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Disaster Master
Sport climber
Arcata, CA
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Topic Author's Original Post - Aug 11, 2010 - 10:46am PT
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Paul Humphrey here.
I am a climber and a yoga teacher. I have been diagnosed with terminal stage 4 Metastatic Melanoma. It started as a mole that was taken off 6 years ago. Thought it was gone, but it returned. Now it is all through me, in my lymphic system and all through my abdomen.
I am on experimental therapy using Docataxel and an experimental molucule called YM155. They hook up a portible pump to a implanted port in my chest and pump in the YM155 24/7 for seven days. Then I get two weeks off.
I would love to hear from other climbers who have gone through Melanoma treatments, or are in them now. CLIMBIERS NEED TO CHECK THEIR SKIN, EDUCATE THEMSELVES, AND NOT DIE YOUNG LIKE I MIGHT. Hopefully, this post will at least remind someone to slather on the sunblock daily before they climb.
** EDIT: As of 1/20/2011, I am on RO5185426, the pill formally known as PLX4032. It helped but seems to not be working anymore.
Click on "Last>>" near right of screen to go to the latest post.
-Paul H, 1/20/11 **
EDIT 2: As of 2/11/11 I am now on a third tril of two drugs: GSK2118436 and gsk1120212.
EDIT 3: As of 4/ 6/11 I am off of the last trial. It did not work.
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Disaster Master
Sport climber
Arcata, CA
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Topic Author's Reply - Aug 11, 2010 - 10:55am PT
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Here are some photos.
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reddirt
climber
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Aug 11, 2010 - 11:46am PT
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That's really unfortunate about the metastasis... and I'm sure "unfortunate" was used to describe Lance's metastasis as well.
It's great that you are in what looks like a *good* clinical trial, on a drug that has already been completely approved for other cancers...
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Footloose
Trad climber
Lake Tahoe
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Aug 11, 2010 - 12:00pm PT
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I can see your spirit, Paul, kick its ass!
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rincon
Trad climber
SoCal
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Aug 11, 2010 - 12:11pm PT
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Hey Paul,
I've had skin cancer too, though I am very lucky that it hasn't come back. They used some kind of hot scraper tool to scrape off the skin, now there's just a small white scar there. Had other cancer too...NHL has been f*#king with me since '03, been through the chemo and like you, I still climbed. Currently, I have my fingers crossed, hoping the monster inside me, doen't rear it's ugly head again.
I wish the best to you, and hope to see you posting on ST for many years to come!
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nature
climber
Whereverland....
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Aug 11, 2010 - 12:16pm PT
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Yo Paul....
man you just keep getting the hits. Broken back.... shadows of death. yikes.
We're all pulling for you man!
stay strong.
Doug La Farge
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Disaster Master
Sport climber
Arcata / Santa Rosa, CA
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Topic Author's Reply - Aug 11, 2010 - 12:18pm PT
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Rincon,
We are in a club not of our choosing. Good luck with your ongoing BS.
I hope this thread grows enough that I could put together sources / interviews for an article. I wrote for the mags in the day, and they could use something about this subject for climbers.
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Disaster Master
Sport climber
Arcata / Santa Rosa, CA
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Topic Author's Reply - Aug 11, 2010 - 12:21pm PT
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Nature,
Thanks for the word. I still got Humboldt on my mind.
-Paul
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zeta
Trad climber
Berkeley
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Aug 11, 2010 - 12:22pm PT
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Paul,
thanks for the reminder, especially as we all spend so much time outside. I used to be way too casual about sunblock, but now--after two basil cell carcinomas--I am super careful!
I am interested in this experimental therapy, as I've never heard about it. I would be curious to know what your experience has been with this portable pump...anyways, I have a climbing friend who was treated for melanoma while she was in medical school so I'll forward your post to her...perhaps she'll have some experience to share.
we're all supporting you through this...stay strong
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Disaster Master
Sport climber
Arcata / Santa Rosa, CA
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Topic Author's Reply - Aug 11, 2010 - 12:44pm PT
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I am interested in this experimental therapy, as I've never heard about it. I would be curious to know what your experience has been with this portable pump...anyways, I have a climbing friend who was treated for melanoma while she was in medical school so I'll forward your post to her...perhaps she'll have some experience to share.
Here is a link to the clinical trial info:
http://clinicaltrials.gov/ct2/show/NCT01009775
Looking forward to any more stories, ideas.
-Paul
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delendaest
Trad climber
San Francisco, CA
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Aug 11, 2010 - 12:46pm PT
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thanks for posting this. would you mind sharing what sort of sun exposure you had? did you have a history of blistering sun burns in the area? use sunscreen? climb a lot with your shirt off?
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rhyang
climber
SJC
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Aug 11, 2010 - 12:49pm PT
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Sorry to hear about the metastasis, but glad to hear there is treatment and good to see you out and enjoying life. Hoping for a fast recovery !
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Disaster Master
Sport climber
Arcata / Santa Rosa, CA
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Topic Author's Reply - Aug 11, 2010 - 12:58pm PT
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Paul here.
I hardly ever climbed with my shirt off. If not in the shade, I used sunblock 60% of the time. I thought I was aware.
I lived in Brazil when I was 12-13. Got several lobster burns there.
Spent a lot of time outside. I was a mountaineering, backpacking, rockclimbing guide off and on.
Hung off a lot of cliffs in the sun bolting sport routes in Humboldt and other caolifornia locations.
But the first mole was on my right thigh, just below the shorts line. Only as big as a pinky nail. It was always there as far as I can remember. Then one day I noticed it looked scratched and puffy. Turned out it was Stage II Melanoma, and had already began to burrow into my lymph nodes.
An operation removed the mole, as well as nodes in my groin. They said all clear.
Six years later it came back. The cancer can lie in wait for years. It can bypass some nodes and lodge in others. Its liquid death, guys.
I'm a pale male, for sure. But almost everyone is vulnerable.
THE MOST IMPORTANT ADVICE I CAN GIVE: CHECK YOUR MOLES. IF IN DOUBT, CUT IT OUT. GET IT OFF OF YOU.
The small expense of removal is insurance against unexspected early death.
I know, you're broke, don't have insurance, are an optimist. Shut up! Cut it off!
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SteveW
Trad climber
The state of confusion
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Aug 11, 2010 - 02:56pm PT
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Paul
I've lost a number of friends to melanoma.
I certainly hope you beat the odds.
I'm smarting today, just had a couple of biopsies done on
my lower lip that may be cancerous. They don't think
it's melanoma, but it's not fun for sure, and I'll have
surgery on them next week even if they're just pre-cancerous.
Not even close to what you're experiencing.
My prayers & wishes are with you.
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stevep
Boulder climber
Salt Lake, UT
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Aug 11, 2010 - 03:43pm PT
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Sorry to hear about the diagnosis, best wishes with the treatment.
I didn't climb too much with it, but I had a port and a pump for 4 months for the chemo I did following a bout with colon cancer. I did try to get out biking, and I felt like it helped me out. Even though I gradually lost some strength, it was good to get out and work out some of my frustrations.
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monolith
climber
Berkeley, CA
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Aug 11, 2010 - 04:11pm PT
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Best of luck Paul and thanks for the inspiring share.
I've seen a couple moles I've been monitoring get much smaller and one disappeared after I changed my diet to all raw, low fat, plant based, four months ago. No meat,dairy,grains. When your body has the best nutrition it can do amazing things.
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Jingy
Social climber
Nowhere
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Aug 11, 2010 - 04:16pm PT
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Paul...
Like someone already said.. I hope you kick this things azz...
Wishing for the bext possible outcome in this case..
BUMP _ To keep us aware!
Thank you, and be brave.
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Amy
Sport climber
Santa Fe, NM
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Aug 11, 2010 - 04:38pm PT
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Sorry to be slightly off the topic of melanoma survivors who climb, but since it is a melanoma thread I wanted to reiterate the "when in doubt-cut it out" sentiment.
My dad visited a doctor about a suspicious mole in the sideburn of his beard (you should check under your hair for moles, too) and the doctor said "let's keep an eye on it". A year later Dad went back, said it still looked suspicious, and at that point they biopsied and found it was melanoma. Dad died of it a year and a half later. The moral is, DON'T wait and see, just get it biopsied even if it means leaving a scar.
Best wishes to you, Paul!!!
Amy
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nature
climber
Whereverland....
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Aug 11, 2010 - 06:35pm PT
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I think this thread needs some (gross) pictures. I don't have any moles that I'm aware of. but dam.... I might look again, take a pict or two, and maybe get some input on what I might think about doing.
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Disaster Master
Sport climber
Arcata / Santa Rosa, CA
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Topic Author's Reply - Aug 11, 2010 - 06:36pm PT
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Paul here.
Its good to see all the replies.
Many people are aware and take seriously warnings, prevention steps for other cancers like breast and colan.
Most folks are ignorant about proper skin cancer prevention.
I was shocked when I told one person that my melanoma had returned and they said: "Oh good. At least its JUST skin cancer".
Melanoma is one of the deadliest cancers on the planet. We don't take it seriously... "I'll put on the sunscren when I get there".
Most have no idea Melanoma can travel to your brain, your lungs and anywhere else it wants to if you don't cut it off in time.
It would be pointless for me to go through this, maybe die, and not try to educate people.
Let's start an education revolution in the climbing community about Melanoma awareness. Perhaps then, those climbers will teach their families, friends, etc.
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Footloose
Trad climber
Lake Tahoe
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Aug 11, 2010 - 06:49pm PT
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Paul, did you find any support groups out there
on the internet you could recommend?
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nature
climber
Whereverland....
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Aug 11, 2010 - 06:49pm PT
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^^^^^^----- what he said.
a year ago yesterday I lost my best friend to liver cancer. Ms. Summit was the best dog a guy could have have. My girl.
F*#K I hate cancer.
Beat it Paul! We're all behind you.
SushiFest at the Leap next summer. You better be there!
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SteveW
Trad climber
The state of confusion
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Aug 11, 2010 - 07:26pm PT
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Doug
Here's a pic off the brochure I got from my dermotologist yesterday.
Kinda looks like the ones on my lip. . .
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BigNick
Trad climber
Los Angeles
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Aug 11, 2010 - 08:19pm PT
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You might consider looking into even more alternative treatments. Check out the film "Healing Cancer from the inside out", it is a bit boring, but it will change the way you look at everything you do, and don't do. Also look at the "Gerson Institute" in Mexico, and "An Oasis of Healing" in Arizona.
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BigNick
Trad climber
Los Angeles
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Aug 11, 2010 - 08:39pm PT
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Not at all. I have been researching (non-scientifically) diet/ health/ alternative healing and prevention methods for years for personal benefit. A few years ago my wife's aunt told us she had cancer. We encouraged her to explore a long list of alternatives. Out of panic and advice from Dr's, she made a quick decision to use transitional western "medicine." She has been in a steep decline ever since. Her quality of life has been dismal.
A month ago my sister told me the same sad news- diagnosed with cancer- multiple myeloma. She is 32. I am trying to encourage her to explore these alternatives. Its not an easy "sell" since I have not been personally treated for cancer.
If you look into this subject, you will learn that most people have cancer 5-6 times in their life and don't even know it. Only when our immune system is depleted do we see the symptoms. What we eat and dont eat, can create and/ or remove cancer.
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Fritz
Trad climber
Hagerman, ID
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Aug 11, 2010 - 08:52pm PT
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Paul: Keep posting and I will try to keep bumping. I know two Melanoma survivors, but "they caught it early."
I've had 3 Basil-cell tumors removed, and see my dermo twice a year on average: for pre-cancerous areas of concern.
I have fair skin, and at age 20, got the really bad spring skiing sunburn, where my face-skin lifted up, fluids drained through the cracks, and two weeks later-----I had new face skin.
About age 40 it started catching up with me.
Most climbers are "in the headlights" for skin cancer.
I'm thinking "good thoughts" for you.
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nature
climber
Whereverland....
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Aug 11, 2010 - 09:56pm PT
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I fully support you on your "crusade", Nick.
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Disaster Master
Sport climber
Arcata / Santa Rosa, CA
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Topic Author's Reply - Aug 12, 2010 - 12:00am PT
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Paul here.
Just got back from dinner. I feel better today than ever since I started treatment.
Disaster Master kicking butt, I believe.
Years back I broke my back (HA,HA). I wrote this.
Whenever I plummit
I bounce back quick,
Even stronger than before.
No just laying there
Like a Splat
On the floor.
I am a Rebound,
A trajectory traveled
At high speed.
I am the Seed
Of my own Future.
-Keep posting,
Paul Humphrey
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rincon
Trad climber
SoCal
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Aug 12, 2010 - 12:46am PT
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Just got back from dinner. I feel better today than ever since I started treatment.
Disaster Master kicking butt, I believe.
That's great Paul, gotta keep eating. I remember how chemo really screwed up my appetite, and then when I did feel like eating, the food all tasted so strange, or had no taste at all! It all goes back to normal as soon as the the chemo stops, and your body stops getting nuked.
I think it really helps to be strong and in good physical fitness going in to chemo, so it doesn't completely kick your butt. I remember going in for treatments and seeing some of the other patients looking so frail and out of shape, they looked terrible and you could tell the treatments were extremely hard on them. It was somehow kind of soothing to be amongest others who were facing the same demon inside.
Alot of People survive cancer...or just live with it, and of course they're getting better at treating it all the time, so all we got to do is hang on long enough for them to find the cure!
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Fritz
Trad climber
Hagerman, ID
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Aug 12, 2010 - 10:59am PT
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Bump for Paul!
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Disaster Master
Sport climber
Arcata / Santa Rosa, CA
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Topic Author's Reply - Aug 13, 2010 - 04:42am PT
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Any other Survivors / in on going treatment. What treatment are you getting?
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Disaster Master
Sport climber
Arcata / Santa Rosa, CA
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Topic Author's Reply - Aug 19, 2010 - 10:10pm PT
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Paul Humphrey here.
I might have to find a new way to master this disaster. The experimental chemo / molecule IV doesn't seem to be working. Its getting Laaarger!
On to the next thing?
Big questions, crappy options.
At least I'm not on a pump this week being poinoned for a cure.
Perhaps a long road trip is in order. Anyone remember me?
Anyone want to climb if my girlfriend Ruth and I drive through this Fall?
Mastering on...
Paul
HAPPY MAN
My seams are frayed.
My soles are worn.
And I'm a Happy Man.
I've had Manzinita
shake my hand
and wave me on my way.
I've talked with Falcons
and laughed with Squirrels.
Seen Resurection grow
from Redwood burls.
I've clung to the edge
of cliffs so high
that beneath me
the Raptors and
Songbirds flew by.
And I've cried
with the Owl
and his voice forlorn
at the coming of the Shadows.
So, when need comes
to venture out of
sight of the Wild,
into Traffic And Concrete,
still my temper is mild.
"Good Morning" I shout,
Middle Finger raised high,
not from disrespect,
just to point out the Sky.
And perhaps people stare
when I stand in the Street,
hands covering ears
and whistling sweet;
like a Songbird...
But it seems
a far better sound
than Horns and Screams
and revving Engines
all around.
Soon enough freedom returns
and I am on my way;
the Sun shining down
On a Wild filled day.
I relax,look around and say
"Yes, I am a Happy Man."
-Paul Humphrey
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mrtropy
Trad climber
Nor Cal
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Aug 20, 2010 - 12:18am PT
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Best wishes my mom has worried about this for years and 30 of teaching PE in the sun was not good for her skin. Good thoughts sent your way.
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Disaster Master
Sport climber
Arcata / Santa Rosa, CA
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Topic Author's Reply - Aug 20, 2010 - 12:51am PT
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LOL, or ha, ha, ha, for you Analogs out there.
Reviewing this link and just realized I posted my wang in X-RAY VISION ONTHE WEB. I'm in porn at last.
Life goes on,
Paul
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Srbphoto
climber
Kennewick wa
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Aug 20, 2010 - 12:58am PT
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and no one noticed! haha so much for porn!
If you don't mind me asking, what was your first sign?
Good luck and keep the positive attitude!
Peace
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nature
climber
Whereverland....
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Aug 20, 2010 - 12:59am PT
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road trip to Indian Creek the end of september. SushiFest. I got you covered....
doug
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Tony Bird
climber
Northridge, CA
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Aug 20, 2010 - 01:05am PT
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best smile i've seen in a long time, paul. we've jousted with mr. C. me, just all that outdoors since i was a kid, and fortunately it was an easy cut-out. my wife had a scarier case, bladder cancer, possibly from a few years as a smoker. treatment was good, checkups continue positive. your smile will go a long way for you--they say a positive attitude increases the odds significantly.
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Disaster Master
Sport climber
Arcata / Santa Rosa, CA
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Topic Author's Reply - Aug 20, 2010 - 01:27am PT
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A couple replies:
To Srbphoto:
6 years go I had my first sign. It was a long-present mole on my thigh that started to bleed. It was the size of a pinky nail.
They excised and biopsied it. Melanoma. They cut a biscit out of my leg and did a "partial groin dicection", removing lymph nodes. I said groin and discection should never be uttered in the same sentance, or room for that matter. They did it anyway. The first or Sentinal Node was weird looking so they took more nodes out. They got it!
Or so they thought. Chemo was optional, but not recomended. Melanoma doesn't respond much to it. So I went home, went climbing and lived on through many other BS, injuries and adventures. People kept asking me what that scar was. I got tiered of the story, so I tattooed a sun around the hole. Later I added a skull in the moon looking at the scar. In Yoga the right side is the Sun side and the left the Moon side.
The skull looking at the scar proved prophetic. 6 years later, I felt a pain in my groin. Went to the Doc. and found out the bastard cancer had lurked in my lymph system all this time then pop goes the death sentance.
I will live on (how long, who knows. How well? Real freakin' well.)
To NATURE:
My man,
I am there at Indin Creeek. Dates?!!
I want to make some Maguro sashimi at home. can I buy Ahi cut tuna, is it the same. Must eat raw meat, but don't want to puke.
Paul
TO EVERYONE,
Thanks for the posts. Good luck with your own survival / thrival.
Tell your story. Save a poor bastard's life.
Post on!
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jbaker
Trad climber
Redwood City, CA
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Aug 20, 2010 - 01:35am PT
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Paul -
Thanks for posting, and keep up the fight.
I got checked about 4 years ago after a friend died of melanoma. I had a mole I'd been worried about but just couldn't find time to deal with. The doctor said it looked like it was no problem, but agreed to get it biopsied just in case. It was malignant melanoma. I caught it right in the narrow zone between "no problem" and "you're f**cked." So far, I've stayed clear. I get a few bits snipped each year, but so far nothing else malignant.
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BLT&P Sandwich
Social climber
Amazon
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Aug 20, 2010 - 02:06am PT
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You are definitely in our Prayers. May God bless you and stay positive!
Cosmiccragsman & BLT&P
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Mungeclimber
Trad climber
sorry, just posting out loud.
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Aug 20, 2010 - 02:14am PT
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Paul,
Thx for the post. I have a mole I've had since a kid on my leg about short length too. Worthwhile to check it out. thx!
I remember your topos. May still have some printed out somewhere around here. It got us to Humboldt and north on several trips. Very fun!
Keep up the fun! My nephew had leukemia at a young age with a port. Free of A.L.L. at this point. I think he survived by playing xbox. :)
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Disaster Master
Sport climber
Arcata / Santa Rosa, CA
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Topic Author's Reply - Aug 23, 2010 - 10:08am PT
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Well, the experimental clinical trial treatment for Metastatic Melanoma I am on is not working. I don't think I want to feel bad from treatment any more in the hope of feeling good later.
Instead, I'm going climbing. Good food, good love, and other "altrnative" tretments may be in the future.
But my new motto is "move it before you loose it."
Climb on,
Paul Humphrey
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Crimpergirl
Sport climber
Boulder, Colorado!
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Aug 23, 2010 - 10:12am PT
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Take care Master Disaster.
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ncrockclimber
climber
NC
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Aug 23, 2010 - 12:21pm PT
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A little off topic (lung cancer vs skin cancer).
A former co-worker had stage 4 lung cancer. This has a 5% survival rate. He was a very active cyclist before he was diagnosed. He had the majority of one of his lungs removed and went through a year of treatment. It is now 8 years later. He is still cycling (100's of miles a week, both mountain bike and road), looks great and at his last check-up he was declared cancer free.
My point here is that there is always hope. Stay strong.
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nita
Social climber
chica from chico, I don't claim to be a daisy
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Aug 23, 2010 - 12:41pm PT
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"My point here is that there is always hope. Stay strong."
Beautiful words, worth repeating...
Mr Paul, sending *Hope, love and prayers...
edit, love the sun tat..
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Jobee
Social climber
El Portal Ca.
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Aug 23, 2010 - 12:45pm PT
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Hello Master,
I don't know quite what to say to such an inspiring, empowering, wonderful human being such as you. It's apparent you shine with brilliant light! Thank you for reaching out and strengthening the tribe.
-some light coming right back at cha!
smiling your way from Yosemite
Jo
P.S. if you're in Yosemite area and want to climb please look me up, I'm a pretty good rope gun.
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Disaster Master
Sport climber
Arcata / Santa Rosa, CA
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Topic Author's Reply - Aug 23, 2010 - 02:22pm PT
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Thanks, everyone.
I have picked myself up off my ass,
And am off to teach a Hot Yoga class.
Rock on,
Paul
PS - check out another thread I started: Pauls "Post your poety" post.
Or something like that any way.
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Seamstress
Trad climber
Yacolt, WA
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Aug 23, 2010 - 08:09pm PT
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Best wishes.
I had cancer removed from my hand and from my face just above the lip. These are places that I did not formerly slather with sunscreen. Somehow the arms always ended at my wrists. It's time to go get checked again.
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Disaster Master
Sport climber
Arcata / Santa Rosa, CA
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Topic Author's Reply - Aug 24, 2010 - 04:39am PT
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Paul Here.
Keep it going.
Tip of the night: Its hard to remember if a mole is growing. Get a camera, some whatever to imbibe however and a woman / man / aassorted. Strip down and take pictures of each others moles. SAVE THE PICTURES! Continue debouchery. Repete six months later and compare pics. Prevention is fun!
Taught yoga to about 20 people this morning. 105 degrees, 90 minutes, hot sweaty stinky fun. It always makes me feel better to help someone else fell a bit better themselves.
Then it was off to try vitamin C IV treatment. Consulted with hole-istic Doctor too. In the end, while I was still hooked up to the drip, she said it probably won't be enough by itself (the Vitaminc C drip). Still charged me $250 for the privilige and $150 to tell me so. Then more news. Most people spend well over a grand a month at alterntive spots like this. Got money, got credt, got hope? No?
OH, yeah. Oh, well. Oh, Sh#t,
Well, as Bart Simpson once remarked, "I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both Sucks and Blows!"
Enough whining. On with the unknown.
Paul.
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Disaster Master
Sport climber
Arcata / Santa Rosa, CA
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Topic Author's Reply - Aug 26, 2010 - 10:47am PT
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Gunkie,
Thanks! I just saw that on the news last night. I have an oncologist appoint. at Noon. I will ask for more info.
Had a rough few past days. Infection in the lymph nodes is causing more swelling and gnarly pain in my leg. Bought some expensive compression tights. Look like a sexually ambivilent superhero, but they help.
C-Ya,
Paul
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Disaster Master
Sport climber
Arcata / Santa Rosa, CA
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Topic Author's Reply - Sep 16, 2010 - 08:34pm PT
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Got a few e mails asking if I am still alive.
No.
Just kidding. Yes, I am.
Hard month. The cancer is growing fast, and I feel tht it will be hard for me to actually climb by the time I get to rock!
I have swelling and pain in my right leg. My balls are swelling, at last, but not in a good way. And my energy is tanked.
I got biopsied today to see if I am a BRAF mutant. (Thanks Gunkie for the heads up, thats the drug I'm trying for.)If I am a mutant, I will get a new drug that had good potential. If i'm not, Bye-bye.
Freinds lent us a cabin in Wawona for the next week. I will get to rock,cane inhand or on my hands and knees, damn it!
then Sushi-fest in IC.
Lots of typos, to tired to care. Props to all still attempting to pull down.
SuperCrack or die!
...or Supercrack and then die!
Either way, I am f-ing going climbing.
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Footloose
Trad climber
Lake Tahoe
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Sep 16, 2010 - 09:03pm PT
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Send it, Paul!
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Disaster Master
Sport climber
Arcata / Santa Rosa, CA
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Topic Author's Reply - Sep 16, 2010 - 09:08pm PT
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Yeah, peter, my tisue samples are being fed exed as we speak to the drug company that makes the drug. I am far along, yet unusually strong, so my doc at UCSF has taken an interest in geting me up the line. We will see. But the cure moves slower than the tumor, so far...
Paul.
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Peter Haan
Trad climber
San Francisco, CA
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Sep 16, 2010 - 10:58pm PT
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Good luck D-Master. M is one of the really bad-assed ones.
ph.
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Mungeclimber
Trad climber
sorry, just posting out loud.
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Sep 22, 2010 - 04:09am PT
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any word on the fedex tissue samples?
any word on what was sent on rock?
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Disaster Master
Sport climber
Arcata / Santa Rosa, CA
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Topic Author's Reply - Sep 22, 2010 - 11:34am PT
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Paul Here.
No word on the tissue samples yet....
I am weaker by the day. 5.7 takes 5.10 effort now. it sucks. Two months ago I was climbing .11+ solid. Yesterday my girlfriend and I went to Fresno Dome. I wanted to take her up her first Grade 3 multi pitch trad climb. That morning I woke up and threw up. Said screw it we are going anyway. Racked up in the lot. everything was fine, except the massive pain in my leg and gut. My girlfriend had a wrecked knee too, so we are all gimped up.
Never ones to stay home though, we gave it a try. Only 5.7, the cancer had me breathing hard, and I feel WEEEEEEEEEEEK! Moved too slow and vomited from pain at about 120 feet or so.
Not good. I knew I could drag my carcass up still, but not guiding my inexperienced girlfriend. She looked nervous. Who wants to see their leaader barf on the route? "That looks hard," she said.
"It's not. I'm just dying babe, thats all. You can do it." But her eyes showed too much concern.
SO. I rapped off of a couple nuts (booty!), cleaned it and abandoned.
It is beyond frustrating to die slow, to have the rack on your back and feel so heavy you cant stand up. I don't quit, and deciding that was the smart thing to do felt like being stabbed.
I could have gone sport climbing. All the logistics have been engineered away. But I had to sell my rack 6 years ago when I grounded from 80 feet and shatteered my back (tree climbing). It was the rack or the rent and medical bills.
I came back fron that, climbed again, but on borrowed gear and with my rope gun posse helping me along. But I want all the way back in.
My mother died last year. I used much of my small inheritance to by a trad rack again. Used to be good at all this. When I found out I was sick I decided to go trad climbing. Not because it is easy or convienent. But because it is hard and scary and forces me to face fear, not cower from pain. And I wanted to honor my mother by climbing with her (re incarnated as my rack of cams).
Life is sufering. That I don't mind.
Dying is Bullsh#t. Make me healthy or dead. This limbo is a torture of the soul.
We are going to Indian Creek for Sushi Fest. Perhaps there will be a few hardpeople there to get a rope up for me so I won't barf on my belay.
Vomit, retreat, pandamonium. I am still going climbing, if I can.
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bmacd
Trad climber
Grade V, Level III certified Kook 100% Canadian
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Sep 22, 2010 - 06:45pm PT
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Paul, go easy on yourself man. I'm making an appointment to get a few things checked out because of your thread.
Best wishes
Bruce
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Disaster Master
Sport climber
Arcata / Santa Rosa, CA
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Topic Author's Reply - Sep 22, 2010 - 06:59pm PT
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Thanks for the buck up camper. Resting today. Will tour the Valley tomorrow.
Pix from healthier times. Me on some FFA's.
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Mungeclimber
Trad climber
sorry, just posting out loud.
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Sep 22, 2010 - 06:59pm PT
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werd man
dying means you ARE still very much ALIVE!!!
"Not because it is easy or convienent. But because it is hard and scary and forces me to face fear, not cower from pain."
fuk yeah, that's the spirit!
A quote from the meister...
"climbing should be like shitting an anvil" -Dingus Milktoast
you sir, are a climber getting out there!!
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dustonian
climber
RRG
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Sep 22, 2010 - 07:47pm PT
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Great courage in posting this thread Paul. Best wishes to you and for a speedy recovery.
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donini
Trad climber
Ouray, Colorado
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Sep 22, 2010 - 09:02pm PT
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Wonderful post Paul. it takes shots across the bow messages to get people, guy's in particular, to take notice. Look forward to seeing you and Ruth in IC.
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Tony Bird
climber
Northridge, CA
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Sep 22, 2010 - 11:23pm PT
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paul--
like all on ST i'm sure, i'm much affected by your situation and touched by your bravery. this thread and the poetry thread have told us much about you. you've been a fine climber, you're a fine boyfriend, and i'm sure all who know you feel for you and would do all they could--if they could.
but things are getting worse, predictably so, and we wouldn't be good friends if we didn't try to face that with you. all i can offer are a couple of things, and they're related, including the poems below by another fellow, a special fellow, which i dug out of my library.
if you've bummed around on some of the other ST threads, you've probably seen me sparring on religious subjects and on the paranormal. i'm not a conventional believer, but i also don't believe that annihilation comes with death. i've seen evidence, both in my own experience and in the experiences of others, that we go on somehow. life is a wonderful, beautiful thing, and as climbers i think we probably do better with it than a lot of other people. but it doesn't last forever.
i've been to a couple memorials this year for climbers, rather unexpected ones, for people i didn't know real well. it just chanced that way, and it seemed significant. these memorials meant more to me than any standard funeral i've ever been to. they were more of a real celebration of someone's good life, and a sharing of the love everyone felt, though not without heart-tugging. i know we go on after we die, and if you've had any inkling of that, i suggest you try to focus on it with that thoughtfulness that your poetry reveals. be close to those who love you so much, especially ruth there. i doubt you have to prove anything to her.
my friend the late robert stanford was a jolly fellow, a regular guy, and often the life of the office with his erudite sense of humor, when i worked for berlitz translation service. bob had been in the navy and was a professor of german language at the naval academy, then cal lutheran, and finally just translating for berlitz. i remember a couple of droll gems he came up with during office banter which will tell you what a delightful fellow he was:
 (for an impromptu metaphor-mixing contest) "a hand in the bush makes the heart grow fonder."
in jest one day, to the smartest woman in an office full of smart people: "you vacuous twit!"
his humor had a way of buoying everyone. he was a linguist, though never much of a writer, until ...
bob came down with melanoma. his scottish genes and red hair didn't fare well in the southern california sun. he fought it every inch of the way and we admired his spirit and heroism and good humor until the end. but as the end inevitably neared, he developed a sense for what comes next. it was uncanny--the last person you would expect it from, just a regular guy and not religious at all. but he seemed to sense that the end wasn't the end, and he started writing poems about it:
When I shall leave you for a little while,
Start out bravely with a gallant smile,
Do not grieve or shed wild tears
And carry your sorrow through the years.
For my sake, and for my name,
Love on, and do all things the same;
Do not waste your life on empty days,
But fill each living hour in useful ways.
And never, never be afraid to die,
For I shall wait for you in the sky.
"The Need to Let Go"
The times that we have shared together
Can never be taken away.
But memories are light as a feather
Floating on some other day.
Nothing stays changeless forever,
We grow, blossom and die,
And we'll never recapture, no, never,
The light in a lost friend's eye.
So your love and your life are for living,
Let go, and try not to yearn,
For the gifts that you have are for giving,
And the gifts that you gave will return.
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Disaster Master
Sport climber
Arcata / Santa Rosa, CA
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Topic Author's Reply - Sep 23, 2010 - 10:55am PT
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(wish ST had spell check)
Tony,
Wow, you made ruth and I cry, in a wonderful way.
There are no coincidences. We read your post just after finishing a discusion about loss and endings. I have no fear of the afterlife. As I told my preacher daddy, I have a Quiet Blasphamous Faith. It makes sense to me, but is so personal that it need not be told. As my favorite philosopher said, the way that can be told is not the way.
My angst comes from a feeling of loss. A loss of health. I have been very angry at the loss of my strength. But that atitude fostors only a poisoned feeling in me. This can not stand.
It occured to me, strangely about the same time you were writting your post, that instead of anger, I really should feel grateful. Grateful that I once had a healthy body that alowed me to be a Bad Ass. Many people are born into this world in a diminished corpse. They will never be able to do the things I, we as climbers, are able to. My body was strong enough to carry my soul up. I am blessed to have had a window of time when I had high adventures, made my own way.
I am calling my new outlook "The Gratitude Attitude". Its the coin flipped to the other side. I feel better thinking about things this way. I hope it lasts.
It is tragic in a way that these bad-ass lessons hit us often near the end, or in the midst of increadible pain.
But like my dad said once, no one learns anything by being comfortable. In fact those in comfort often seek only to maintain that bubble. Pop the bubble. Step out into the void and fall if you must. It will wake you up.
We are off to tour the valley today, maybe TR something.
Life is a trip, hard, rediculous, joyful and sorrow filled. I regret trials and tribulations only while in them. Once through them, I always find out that I have grown, I have expanded, and I have continued.
Climbing on,
Paul and Ruth
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Maysho
climber
Soda Springs, CA
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Sep 23, 2010 - 02:18pm PT
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Hey Paul,
Peter Mayfield here, I have met you a couple of times, once at Trinity Aretes on July 4th, you were in recovery from your tree fall, and the next year at Lost Rocks, I had a bunch of high school kids bouldering with Matt DeShazo.
Your posts and attitude on your current situation are an inspiration. I hope for you and yours all the best through this challenging time.
Also have to chime in enthusiastically on the great climbing in Bigfoot country. I try to make a trip up there for the steep limestone each year, looking forward to checking out Cecilville next.
Take Care,
Peter
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ncrockclimber
climber
NC
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Sep 23, 2010 - 03:16pm PT
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Paul.
You inspire me. Thank you for posting.
Sincerely,
Charles
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scuffy b
climber
Eastern Salinia
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Sep 23, 2010 - 04:53pm PT
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Thanks for your writing, Paul.
It really feels like we're being given a special gift.
I can't give you anything but my best wishes, and you have them, of course.
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em kn0t
Trad climber
isle of wyde
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Sep 23, 2010 - 08:19pm PT
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Paul,
You writings and photos are a profound inspiration in so many ways. It reminds me of four friends who have all survived long past their "terminal" diagnoses with the big C (different types than yours: multiple myeloma, pancreatic and two with brain tumors). I think it's a credit not only to advanced medical technology but also to a strong and vibrant will to live, which you obviously have in large measure.
I've been reading a book which you may find helpful: "Still Here" by Ram Dass, which talks about his mental/spiritual adjustment after he was paralyzed by a stroke, as well as challenges that we all will go through as we and our loved ones age, change and ultimately pass on.
"Understanding that we are something -- that's unchangeable, beautiful, completely aware, and that continues no matter what, really helps."
--Ram Dass, from "Still Here"
Warm wishes for healing on all levels. And thanks for shining a light for the rest of us.
Climb on,
Em
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Tony Bird
climber
Northridge, CA
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Sep 24, 2010 - 09:21am PT
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curious as to who that favorite philosopher is, paul. and i for one would like to hear more about your dad the preacher, your dialogue with him, and this quiet blasphemous faith, which sounds a lot like mine.
i hate to juxtapose this with some good news i had last week, but i visited my dermatologist and he couldn't find much wrong. he cut out a shallow cancer i had on my chest five years ago, so i'm back for annual checkups, essential when you've gotten into this sensitized condition. i'd like to offer some further advice, since he's a pretty good dermatologist and a fellow skier who loves the outdoors and sympathizes with the dangers of exposure.
the important thing, and i'm afraid i got it by cross-examining him this last meeting, is to reapply that damn sunblock every 2-3 hours when you're out in the bright. he really questions those all-day or even 8-hour claims. what a pain in the ass that is, especially if you're climbing. i try to bring along a small package of those things they use to wipe baby's butts--you have to get the sunblock off your palms to get back to climbing again.
remember, the rays generally hit you from above. top of your head, chest, upper back, shoulders, face, and don't forget ears. these are our battle zones with dear old sole mio. they make good clothing these days, high SPF fabric. invest in a state-of-the-art hat. arabs survive the sahara with heavy robes, dark skin, thick hair. be like an arab.
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Disaster Master
Sport climber
Arcata / Santa Rosa, CA
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Topic Author's Reply - Sep 28, 2010 - 05:40pm PT
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A quick update from a free wi-fi spot in Moab UT:
Went to sushi fest in Indian Creek. Fun!
And.......
I got my ass up SUPERCRACK. Had to hang several times (TR) since I am very weak and have no lungs left. Also, the back pain, wah wah, wah. But I made it to the chains!
One of the biggest efforts in my life. The moves were fine, just sick, I guess. On to Colorado!
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phylp
Trad climber
Millbrae, CA
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Sep 28, 2010 - 05:53pm PT
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Hello Paul-
I've been following the story of your journey and just wanted to send some love the way of you and your dear ones.
Phyl
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Seamstress
Trad climber
Yacolt, WA
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Sep 28, 2010 - 05:55pm PT
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I admire and keep cheering for the spirit within you that LIVES today. Too many wast time living in the past or working exclusively for the future. The glass is half full today, and you still find joy in your life. Many very privileged people miss all the joy that is completely within their grasp to whine about what they don't have.
I watched my mom die - fighting all the way, but completely at peace. She treasured the ordinary in life. Hours before she died, she totally enjoyed her grand daughter climbing on the bed begging her to read one more book to her.
Thanks
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Jobee
Social climber
El Portal Ca.
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Sep 28, 2010 - 07:59pm PT
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"I got my ass up SUPER CRACK"
You my friend are the MASTER!
Best to you and Ruth.
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Fritz
Trad climber
Hagerman, ID
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Sep 28, 2010 - 08:13pm PT
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Paul: So glad to see that you and Ruth hit both Yosemite and Indian Creek.
Congrats for doing the trip and climbing Super Crack!
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nature
climber
Whereverland....
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Sep 29, 2010 - 10:20pm PT
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it was great seeing you again after all these years. Hang in there bro. I'm so glad you made it east to be a part of a special event. Enjoy the rest of the journey.
peace,
doug
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rincon
Trad climber
SoCal
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Sep 30, 2010 - 10:58pm PT
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Hey Paul and Ruth...thinking of you. Keep on keeping on.
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donini
Trad climber
Ouray, Colorado
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Sep 30, 2010 - 11:01pm PT
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One of my finest moments in climbing was being a part of Paul's Super Crack climb- his ascent was truly inspirational, let's climb together again- soon!
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SteveW
Trad climber
The state of confusion
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Paul, I just don't know what to say.
You are one incredible person.
Keep your strength up and do what needs to be done.
My prayers are with you.
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Disaster Master
Sport climber
Arcata / Santa Rosa, CA
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Topic Author's Reply - Oct 2, 2010 - 10:58pm PT
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Paul here, still....
All these kind posts sure help both me and Ruth. We went to another crag neaar moab and climbed about 5 routes, 5.6 -hard 5.10. Ruth did her first desert crack, yummy. Swore at me the whole time, then loved it after getting to the anchors. We are climbing therapy patients lately. Get it out, work it out, climb it out.
Jim and Angela Donini invited us to Ouray, so we went. Jim is off to YO but Angela is here. We are in their guest apartment right now.
Travel day today. felt bad. Had to pull over and hurl at one point. I am a bit down.
The tumors are almost double the size as before the trip. I can barely digest now. The tumors push on my intestines and prostate. Pissing even sucks. got an apitite if I try to climb, otherwise not.
Tomorrow will bring new moments, some of pain, some of pulling down some more on new rock near town, I hope. Hot springs too. I feel sooooooo weak. All I want is time with my Love and a rock to top it off.
The tumors are also in my genitals. Can't get it up, but I can ctill get up. At least some muscles are working still. (Too much information?!)
I say these personal things to remind everyone that you can loose almost anything, including your wang, but not be impotent in the least.
Try till You Die, then one more time.
Love and redpoints to you all,
Paul
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landcruiserbob
Trad climber
Maui or Vail ; just following the sun.......
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Enjoy the wonderful SanJuan fall; the Ophir wall is waiting for you.
Be well & safe travels.........................
rg
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Disaster Master
Sport climber
Arcata / Santa Rosa, CA
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Topic Author's Reply - Oct 2, 2010 - 11:57pm PT
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Ya know, the hang in there posts are great. But am I really that inspirational?
What sort of boring things do most folks decide to do while they die?
I am glad evryone is concerned. Just remember the point is not me and my "unique" way of handling things.
The point is that YOU TOO can live and die Your Way. So figure out what that is, LIVE your way as long as your body alows, then DIE, not with dignity, but with gusto.
Working on the LIVING part,
Paul
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murcy
climber
sanfrancisco
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Dude,
I don't know. But I am glad to be hearing from you now. Yes, it has been inspiring to hear about your climbs. And none of us knows how to die, so your trip report is on topic.
Mark
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Wen
climber
Jackson, WY
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Paul, Know that your words matter to those of us in the big bad world who have yet to experience life through your lens. You're offering us a window into the part of life we all fear. I for one appreciate your letting us look in. Are you inspirational? To me you are, because you're reminding me to live and love my life.
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Tony Bird
climber
Northridge, CA
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maybe a couple positive things to think about, paul.
not everyone gets to see their death coming. one of the memorials i went to this year was for john fischer, out for a fun day with friends, didn't know that deer was on a collision course with his motorcycle right on hwy. 395. the loss shocked those near to him, an immediate, dramatic loss.
we know we're losing you, paul, and you know it too. there's a chance here to say goodbye well. i remember the death of folksinger bob gibson, one of my favorite singers. i've made the study of song a lifelong study, and i think he had one of the best senses of song going. he wasn't an outstanding success in music, but he was pretty damn good and pretty damn influential too.
bob came down with a rather rare disease, difficult to treat, with the end fairly inevitable. he had led a good life, straightened out some bad habits, and when he knew the end was getting close he had a party, one hell of a party, and all the best of the folk music movement came to sing and to say goodbye. bob even tried singing then, but was too weak and it was a sad moment, but all much appreciated. he died a few days later.
you've got another good thing going for you buddy, believe it or not. you're not dying a shameful death or a despairing one. many people die such deaths, and those are perhaps the saddest deaths of all. think a little bit during quiet moments of all the sweep of the human race, the kinds of people out there, the good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful. your life is sadly shortened, but you're not alone with that. i don't know you real well, but your life has obviously been decent, positive, clean, spirited. the indian's prayer is to "face eternity with straight eyes". i think you're doing that as well as i've ever seen it done. there are many who don't, who can't. you have a real advantage over them.
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nita
Social climber
chica from chico, I don't claim to be a daisy
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Paul,
I 've wanted to post on this thread since it beginning...not quite sure what to say.... I have been blown away by your words..your poems, courage, honesty and strength. ...Thank you..
Sending out prayers and Love to you and Ruth...
Saludos..
nita.
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Burt
Big Wall climber
Las Vegas, Nv
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But like my dad said once, no one learns anything by being comfortable. In fact those in comfort often seek only to maintain that bubble. Pop the bubble. Step out into the void and fall if you must. It will wake you up.
Paul nothing I can say or do changes anything. You lead by example and show tremendous courage in your fight. That is what is inspirational. You share the ups and downs, the successes and failures. While many of us will never know what you are going through, you give us a glimpse of how to "try your best" and to fight a good fight. Thank you.
Kurt "Burt" Arend
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Disaster Master
Sport climber
Arcata / Santa Rosa, CA
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Topic Author's Reply - Oct 3, 2010 - 09:31am PT
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Some Supercrack photos I got from the Donini's.
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BrassNuts
Trad climber
Save your a_s, reach for the brass...
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Hey Paul & Ruth - It was nice meeting you at IC sushifest. I was tent camping next to you and sharing your parking spot - you may remember. My wife and I live in Boulder so should your adventures bring you here to B-town, feel free to contact us and we'd be happy to show you some fun stone or have you over for some dinner. Take care! Dave
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Disaster Master
Sport climber
Arcata / Santa Rosa, CA
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Topic Author's Reply - Oct 5, 2010 - 07:47am PT
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Still in Ouray. We are soaking in the hot pools, great for the bones, and even climbing some more. Who knew there was so much to climb IN town? Went to the town park for no commitment sport climbing. Fun stuff, did a 5.4, 5.7, 5.8, 5.9+ and a 5.10c bam, bam, bam all in a row. Not bad!
Ruth's back has a pinched nerve now from bombing Oinion Creek near Fischer Towers on her old rigid mtn. bike. So that's why they put suspension
on those things!
The gimp patrol hobbles on. No doctor news. I think the yare waiting for me to die before they approove me for more tretment. Mean time, the bumps multiply. I have at least 20 tumors on my front and back now. Makes me a little self concience in the pools.
I was in the locker room at the hot springs and had to put on my compression hose for the lymphadema in my leg. Talk about some strange looks. A couple of kids whispered. "Look at that skinny guy. He's putting on panty hose!"
"No, gromet dude," I replied. "This is the latest in extream training tights. All the top athletes are wearing them."
"No way, do they work?"
I really had them going.
Climbing on,
Paul
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ncrockclimber
climber
NC
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I wish I had the words to express how I feel. All I can think to say is "Keep going, brother! KEEP GOING!"
Your posts and the spirit that comes through in every word you write reminds me to live every day with passion. Thank you for that gift.
Please continue to post. My thoughts are with you...
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Disaster Master
Sport climber
Arcata / Santa Rosa, CA
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Topic Author's Reply - Oct 5, 2010 - 12:55pm PT
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God-damn! Never felt so tired after so few / easy routes. Guess I am resting today.
I never was an internet guy. Hate even checking e mail. But since this illness started, posting and reading on ST has giving me a surprising amount of joy and support.
All you guys are quite the motivational safety net for me right now. Your posts back inspire me as much as aparantly mine do for you. Who knew so many people could care about an un-met face / words on the net! I feel truly and bizarrly blessed by this wierd site.
Rock on!
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crøtch
climber
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Hey Paul,
Your attitude is an inspiration. I got a mole removed today. Thanks for the motivation to go to the dermatologist.
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Berdette Robison
climber
the present
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Paul -
Your bravery, spirit, courage and strength down this path are more than an inspiration. Your are facing your final journey with such grace and dignity. Your ability to share your thoughts with an unknown audience humbles me. You've touched many lives these past few weeks. Many warm thoughts to you and Ruth.
Berdette
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Disaster Master
Sport climber
Arcata / Santa Rosa, CA
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Topic Author's Reply - Oct 6, 2010 - 08:43pm PT
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HOPE!!!!!!!!!!!!
I got the test results back from the Doc today.
I AM A MUTANT! That's good. I tested BRAF positive, a gene mutation. Us mutants can (hopfully)get the latest PLX somthin' drug through a clinical trial. Short term positive results, tumor shrinkage occur up to 60% of the time! That's odds I like. Problems with long term effects, who knows, but HOPE my friends.
Mastering on,
Paul
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Footloose
Trad climber
Lake Tahoe
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Sending HOPE Positive your way!
Your ARE an inspiration, Paul, kick its ass!!
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Brian
climber
California
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Paul,
That's great news. For some reason I thought you mentioned that you were BRAF negative, which would be a bummer. I follow the melanoma news pretty closely, as I had a few very serious burns when I was younger, and the new BRAF treatments are the brightest news I've ever heard about melanoma treatment other than the fact that you can often detect early because your skin (unlike, say, your liver) is visible for checkups.
I really, really hope you get on the BRAF trials. The early results seem very encouraging.
I, like lots of other folks here, am inspired by your way of dealing with the hand you've been dealt. Way to keep after it and keep living.
Brian
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Jan
Mountain climber
Okinawa, Japan
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Best news all week!
We're all sending you our positive energy.
Way more people than post here are cheering for you.
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ncrockclimber
climber
NC
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You f*#king go man! Keep your hope alive!
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Crimpergirl
Sport climber
Boulder, Colorado!
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Excellent news! Best to you!
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SteveW
Trad climber
The state of confusion
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I'm crossing my fingers for you, Paul.
Be well!
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Disaster Master
Sport climber
Arcata / Santa Rosa, CA
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Topic Author's Reply - Oct 11, 2010 - 02:34pm PT
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Made it to LA on the way to SF for Brain and body scans. If aproved, I could be on the new PLX pil from plexicon by next week. This is good news for me, since the tumor shrinkage rate is good in over 60% of people like me. Meaning I am a mutant. I have a gene, BRAF, that is mutated, alowing this new drug to target only cancer cells, not all cells like regular chemo. This means less side effects, better results, and hope for the first time in the history of melanoma tht some folks have a fighting chance near the end of the cancer cycle.
So off to UCSF to ty to get the pill in my hand. I might be around longer than we thought!
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Brian
climber
California
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Oct 12, 2010 - 03:21am PT
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Good luck Paul!
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Oct 12, 2010 - 06:52am PT
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Keep on keepin' on. Hey how cool...you are a mutant. Best of luck and hope!
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blackbird
Trad climber
the flat water trails...
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Oct 12, 2010 - 08:50am PT
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The film BigNick referred to is kind of boring but WILL change your perspective. I watched it when I was dealing with my cancer; the message lives in the forefront of my thoughts today.
I am one of the truly lucky ones: both of mine (uterine & ovarian) were caught WAY early. I shunned "new" meds (chemo/radiation) in lieu of alternative therapies and lifestyle changes. It's amazing…
PLEASE, folks, if you're not already so, become acutely aware of your own bodies and what they are trying to tell you. Subtle changes in skin tone, moles, hair texture and even your smell can indicate some serious health issues. And to repeat the message: when in doubt, check it out!!!
Life's too short to feck around!!!
Paul, keep the Spirit, play hard, laugh more frequently than you feel like it and take LOTS of pictures!!!! Keep posting good reports!!!! Lots of folks are rooting for you! And rincon's right… eat. A lot.
bb
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Srbphoto
climber
Kennewick wa
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Oct 12, 2010 - 08:58am PT
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I wouldn't mention the mutant thing to much. You may start getting PMs from Klimmer.
Good luck and stay positive!!!
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stilltrying
Trad climber
washington indiana
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Oct 12, 2010 - 09:05am PT
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Best wishes Paul. I am a climber with heart issues and am totally PM dependent with an ICD after 2 heart attacks and permanent a-fib. Almost got to the transplant stage but new technology has given me a reasonable quality of life and the ability to climb, bike etc. You are amazing and I draw inspiration following your story. Keep it up and enjoy every moment and climb. Thanks for being such an inspiration
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Disaster Master
Sport climber
Arcata / Santa Rosa, CA
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Topic Author's Reply - Oct 12, 2010 - 03:31pm PT
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Talked to the docs today. It looks like thursday is the all day testing marathon. If all goes well PLX by the next week. It is exciting and scary all at once to be in fight it mode again. Thought it was all over for a short while here.
Mastering on, with the help and hope of thousands,
Paul
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Impaler
Gym climber
Vancouver
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Oct 12, 2010 - 08:16pm PT
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Hi Paul! Good luck with your tests and I hope that PLX4032 works for you! It's awesome to see that you are still cranking! Way to go!
Vlad
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Disaster Master
Sport climber
Arcata / Santa Rosa, CA
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Topic Author's Reply - Oct 13, 2010 - 01:06am PT
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JUST THINKING
I've been a sinner and a missionary,
A minister and a criminal.
An in-law and an out-law,
A climber and a cower-er.
I've been brave,
I've run away.
Yet I always wake up
the next day...
Who will I be
the next moment,
or life.
Full of peace?
Filled with strife?
Yes, no.
Stop, go,
Who knows?
All I'm sure of
is that fertilizer
is manure.
Good and bad are required
otherwise, who Grows?
All I know is
that I don't know...
About the next moment
or the dawn.
Off to greet it, though.
Off to see it through.
Until the sh#t hits the fan again,
and I scrape it off,
lay it down,
and plant the next
version of my soul.
Paul Humphrey
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Seamstress
Trad climber
Yacolt, WA
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Oct 13, 2010 - 01:22am PT
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It ain't over until it's over.
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nita
Social climber
chica from chico.. I shall call you..mini moo.
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Oct 13, 2010 - 03:07am PT
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Hope..It's a Beautiful word......... Esperanza..
Paul, i hope you realize that we are traveling on this journey with you and Ruth..
And we are hoping you and your sweetheart get to have many..many years together..
Who would of thought being a mutant was a good thing..(-;
Saludos..best wishes..
nita..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qVy4w6vq8y8&feature=related
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gimmeslack
Trad climber
VA
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Oct 13, 2010 - 08:49am PT
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Just stumbled om this thread. The first page kills me - pullin' 5.10 while dosed up on chemo :-o Duuuude.... YOU ROCK!!!
R E S P E C T ;-)
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Oct 13, 2010 - 02:01pm PT
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Be the biggest Gall Dang mutant you can be and you'll be off on the next steps! Thursday is my big day too...my surgery is also on Thursday and will tell me which hand I have been dealt. So really really good good vibes, wishes, luck and love. Climbs of our lives, eh?
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Jan
Mountain climber
Okinawa, Japan
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Oct 13, 2010 - 04:05pm PT
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Mutations are nature's insurance policy against the unexpected.
Best wishes to both Paul and SCseagoat and your medical procedures on Thursday.
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graniteclimber
Trad climber
Nowhere
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Oct 13, 2010 - 05:31pm PT
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Good luck!
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rlf
Trad climber
Josh, CA
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Oct 13, 2010 - 09:37pm PT
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Bump this thread.
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Disaster Master
Sport climber
Arcata / Santa Rosa, CA
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Topic Author's Reply - Oct 14, 2010 - 03:10am PT
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Showed up in SF late. Drove in from the LA cesspool. My brother in law has extra points at a hotel downtown. Got us a room. Should be helpful, relaxing before the tests. But traffic and trollys and people and doormen and city BS... Where the hell are we? After being in the desert and woods for weeks, this place is nuts! We are not impressed with congestion and pretty lighted towers. So hope we can chill in this room now.
Tomorrow is the all day loop around San Fran medical appointment day. Could still be rejected for the trial if blood tests, etc. aren't just right. Nothing seems easy anymore.
HOPE????
HOPE, DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Grip slipping, holding on,
Paul and Ruth
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nita
Social climber
chica from chico.. I shall call you..mini moo.
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Oct 14, 2010 - 03:33am PT
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Paul,
Sending out wishes, hope and prayers....
Lighting a candle for you tonight..
Saludos..=..best wishes
nita.
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Crimpergirl
Sport climber
Boulder, Colorado!
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Oct 14, 2010 - 10:33am PT
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Best wishes. Keep us posted.
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Disaster Master
Sport climber
Arcata / Santa Rosa, CA
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Topic Author's Reply - Oct 14, 2010 - 11:31am PT
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Sitting in the hospital with my butt hanging out of an examination gown. Let the madness begin!
Oh, yeah. Lost my wallet last night. THe thrills never end.
Probing on,
Paul
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martygarrison
Trad climber
The Great North these days......
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Oct 14, 2010 - 12:18pm PT
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Good luck and Gods speed
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ncrockclimber
climber
NC
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Oct 14, 2010 - 12:23pm PT
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My thoughts are with you. Hang in there!
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Oct 14, 2010 - 02:32pm PT
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You go. Be tough. Be a mutant thoughts are with you.
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Steve Grossman
Trad climber
Seattle, WA
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Oct 14, 2010 - 02:39pm PT
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Best of luck with your treatment.
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Disaster Master
Sport climber
Arcata / Santa Rosa, CA
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Topic Author's Reply - Oct 15, 2010 - 12:15am PT
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After 7 appointments today, I find that there is something that lights up in my brain on the MRI. The tech doesn't like it. The Doc is worried. The trials coordinator is not happy.
I inform the doc that the spot was there over 3 months ago. The last trial tech called it odd, but not a metastis. That's the exclusion problem, cancer in the brain. It's only a guess unless removed. But it could be blood vesles, or remnants of my head injury. So the doc says he has ammo to get me on the pill. But I need to send the old report etc. One more HOOP!!!
Back in Santa Rosa at home. Tomorrow I track down the tech from the old test and get him to say what he wrote 3 months ago to the new doc. then it should be fine...???!!@@
Tomorrow we rise again.
DM
PS Ruth ROCKS! Drove from LA to SF, found parking at night downtown, got up and dropped me off at all appointments, found parking, got the car, picked me up, drove all the way home and is finally sleeping on the couch. I love her.
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Tony Bird
climber
Northridge, CA
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Oct 15, 2010 - 12:26am PT
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thinking of you, paul--good luck in the medical maze.
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Disaster Master
Sport climber
Arcata / Santa Rosa, CA
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Topic Author's Reply - Oct 15, 2010 - 12:41am PT
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Hey SCseagoat,
How did your doctor day go? Let us all know when you can.
Climbing with you,
Paul H
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Disaster Master
Sport climber
Arcata / Santa Rosa, CA
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Topic Author's Reply - Oct 15, 2010 - 12:12pm PT
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Got up early and found the report I need to send to the doc to try and proove that there is not melanoma in my brain. I can't get the wonder pill if there is.
Found the report. I caned over to Office Depot to fax it. The fax woud not go through. I waited. I called the doc. The # was right. Waited some more. It feels like I am being turned inside out! Stress-tacular.
The fax went through! I called to confirm. The wording is good, but not definitive. So it could still go either way.... AAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!
Still waiting for the Roman thumb, up or down?
Limped home. Kept repeting to myself: "Can't collapse. Got to fight, muther f*#ker. Fight! Got to fight. There is no flight. This is the middle of the rock-fall. Got to reach the col! Then I can breath for a moment before the summit. Damn, got to fight!"
Paul
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Disaster Master
Sport climber
Arcata / Santa Rosa, CA
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Topic Author's Reply - Oct 17, 2010 - 10:00am PT
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Can't sleep. Waiting for word on the PLX trial is driving me nuts. Sent off the info that I hope will let me on the test. But it is not cut and dry. NO word and now the weekend, so one more manditory waiting day today, I guess.
It seems rediculous to me that they have a pill in a building somewhere RIGHT NOW that is able to shrink tumors in 60-80% of people like me with a BRAF mutation, yet won't freely give it out. Spare me the clinical trials for the greater good argument. Real live people will be real dead soon if not treated with a substance that is known to work, but unavailible even as a compassionate use measure, because that company is afraid of legal / marketing implications.
The gene targeted approach to these new drugs, along with others, renders the traditional study system moot and out of touch. Basically, the system requires a certain number of sick PEOPLE to die to prove their point and patents. That's the real sickness.
I don't usually rant, but this is real an involves my quickly ending life if not treated. So I am nervous as hell as I await the signal from the medical experts on high whether I live or die.
Sigh,
Paul
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rlf
Trad climber
Josh, CA
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Oct 17, 2010 - 10:12am PT
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Hang in there. I can't imagine how difficult and frustrating this must be for you.
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Disaster Master
Sport climber
Arcata / Santa Rosa, CA
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Topic Author's Reply - Oct 17, 2010 - 10:14am PT
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http://www.nytimes.com/2010/09/19/health/research/19trial.html?_r=1&emc=eta1Check out this NY times article. Heartbreaking!
This is a response to the nyt piece.http://www.huffingtonpost.com/loraine-boyle/heartless-science_b_732521.html
Clearly it's time the rules changed as newer and targeted drugs are being developed. If two new cars were developed and one buffered the driver in a crash 80% more than the other, would the public be expected to try their chances in the unsafe car just to prove the effectiveness of the safe one? It's time the FDA changed its rules so that the Brandon Ryans of this world don't die without having a fighting chance. I'm no scientist but from what I've read, PLX4032 sounds as if it works to prolong life with less pain even if it is only for a few months.
Think of how many beautiful sunsets and walks in the park you can enjoy in a few months. Maybe it gives the patient a chance to see his child take a first step or to graduate college. How do human beings in the name of science deny this?
A very good question.
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blackbird
Trad climber
the flat water trails...
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Oct 17, 2010 - 10:18am PT
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Thinking about you and sending you good thoughts and energy!!!!
All digits and limbs crossed and followed Nita's lead: there's a candle lit for you.
bb
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JOEY.F
Social climber
sebastopol
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Oct 17, 2010 - 02:16pm PT
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Sending good vibes your way, Paul.
I believe, after looking at the pics, I have seen you at Vertex.
Best wishes to you.
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Crimpergirl
Sport climber
Boulder, Colorado!
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Oct 17, 2010 - 02:27pm PT
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Each time I see this thread bumped, I race back in hopes to see you posting good news. Thinking of you. Cancer simply sucks.
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Disaster Master
Sport climber
Arcata / Santa Rosa, CA
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Topic Author's Reply - Oct 17, 2010 - 07:08pm PT
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Joey, yeah, you've seen me at VERTEX. Maybe I will go by soon to try and keep training.
Crimpergirl, I'm sick of complaining too. Wish there was good news. Might still be, though. Tomorrow I call the trials coordinator to try and push it through.
The interesting part for me is the part of my brain that is lighting up on the MRI and causing the trials roadblock is responsible for pain management and general conciousness. I have used meditation and yoga, along with other mind training techniques to manage my chronic back pain for 7 years....(Insert Twilight Zone Music)
C-ya,
Paul
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okaythatsme
climber
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Oct 17, 2010 - 11:14pm PT
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Hi Paul,
Checking in from Arcata and sending you encouragement. I know you are tired. -marcella
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SteveW
Trad climber
The state of confusion
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Oct 17, 2010 - 11:32pm PT
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Hoping for the best for you, Paul.
Stay with us!!!
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Jobee
Social climber
El Portal Ca.
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Oct 17, 2010 - 11:46pm PT
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For you Paul.
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Disaster Master
Sport climber
Arcata / Santa Rosa, CA
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Topic Author's Reply - Oct 18, 2010 - 01:05pm PT
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Well, ya asked for it....
GOOD NEWS! YIIIIIIPPPPEEEEEE!!!
I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO HAPPY ABOUT BEING OFFERED DRUGS BEFORE. (OK. There was that one time at school...) Seriously, though, I called the clinical trials coordinator about my chances of getting on the PLX4032 trial. Those following these posts know I was wrung out from the waiting. I don't wait well. More of a do-er. She said the wording in the reports had them worried, but the doc and her and everyone else sighned off on it. According to her I am in. (I will believe it for sure when the pill is in my hand.)
They are trying to get me started this WEDNESDAY, two days away. I can't believe it. I did not let myself hope much on the first (YM155) trial I did. And it did not work.
This drug relly seems to help. And I need help bad. Pain, fatigue, and mental strain are all piling up.
A relief valve at last. Long road ahead, but there is a path at least. Felt like I was banging my head against the rock for a while. The next month is intense with many doc apoints. Then only every couple of weeks after that. So if I improve quickly, meet me at J-Tree sometime near a month from now to climb and celebrate.
Continuing to Master this f*#ked up Disaster,
Paul Humphrey
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Fritz
Trad climber
Hagerman, ID
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Oct 18, 2010 - 01:10pm PT
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Dude!
Keep on keeping on!
I'm thinking good thoughts for you!
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nita
Social climber
chica from chico.. I shall call you..mini moo.
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Oct 18, 2010 - 01:27pm PT
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Paul and Ruth,
Sweet!!!
Sooo Darn Happy for you kids!!!!
Saludos= Best wishes...
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crøtch
climber
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Oct 18, 2010 - 01:43pm PT
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Woot!
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Crimpergirl
Sport climber
Boulder, Colorado!
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Oct 18, 2010 - 01:56pm PT
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Awesome news! Thanks for letting us know!
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ncrockclimber
climber
NC
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Oct 18, 2010 - 01:57pm PT
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I am VERY happy for you!
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SteveW
Trad climber
The state of confusion
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Oct 18, 2010 - 03:20pm PT
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That's so GREAT, Paul!
Keep us informed of how you're doing.
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Disaster Master
Sport climber
Arcata / Santa Rosa, CA
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Topic Author's Reply - Oct 18, 2010 - 03:33pm PT
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I was so excited last week when I thought it was a sure thing, I made a t shirt. Wore it all weekend while I worried. Now I don't have to burn it. I will wear it to my first Doc visits.
Paul
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JOEY.F
Social climber
sebastopol
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Oct 18, 2010 - 03:47pm PT
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Great news Paul!
Thank you for being an inspiration!
Wishing you all the best.
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rlf
Trad climber
Josh, CA
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Oct 18, 2010 - 09:34pm PT
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That is good news indeed. Please keep us posted!
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donini
Trad climber
Ouray, Colorado
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Oct 18, 2010 - 09:44pm PT
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Fantastic news Paul! Can't wait to climb with you and Ruth again.
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rincon
Trad climber
SoCal
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Oct 18, 2010 - 09:48pm PT
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Sure is good news Paul. Obviously you ain't out of the woods yet, but it looks like you might be on a good trail now. You can survive this, it's going to happen. It's been seven years for me now, still here.
f*#k cancer.
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Oct 18, 2010 - 10:44pm PT
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I am so happy for you Mr. MUTANT! I will take your good luck as a talisman for all of us! Hugs and good times for you and Ruth. Susan
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Wen
climber
Jackson, WY
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Oct 19, 2010 - 12:23am PT
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I LOVE that shirt! Good to read this news Paul, your energy to keep up the fight inspires me. I hope you kick some serious cancer a**.
We're in Jtree the first week of November. I'll be hoping to see your bald head on the rocks.
Wendy
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Disaster Master
Sport climber
Arcata / Santa Rosa, CA
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Topic Author's Reply - Oct 19, 2010 - 03:20pm PT
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OK. Got an actual time and date for my PLX4032 start. The hold up was getting a room at the hospital for the day. Busy place. 8 - 10 hours of tests. Then some more in the AM day two. But the pill shall be swallowed (Cue "White Rabbit" music).
Also, a ST member has offered the use of his spare room to crash in SF while at the docs. Some of you are very cool! (some of you...[ha,ha])
So more smiles here than I have seen in a while.
Onward and upward,
DM
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Jobee
Social climber
El Portal Ca.
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Oct 19, 2010 - 05:46pm PT
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Kick some A.. Paul!
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nature
climber
Whereverland....
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Oct 19, 2010 - 06:21pm PT
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Kick some ass Paul! There's a sushifest at Lover's Leap next year and I EXPECT you to attend.
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Disaster Master
Sport climber
Arcata / Santa Rosa, CA
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Topic Author's Reply - Oct 19, 2010 - 06:26pm PT
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Nature-ally, Ruth & I shall attend in post cancer glory, no doubt.
Short term...can barely walk today from tumor pain in right leg. But IF THIS PILL WORKS I have a good chance of climbing again a month from now. So J-Tree in around 5-6 weeks from now. I will post dates when improvemets happen. Got to expect the best for once. Tired of anxiety and paranoia.
Yoga this month if I can while starting the pill. Then Rock it again.
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SofCookay
climber
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Oct 19, 2010 - 09:29pm PT
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You are a true inspiration and I know you are going to beat this. It would be an honor to climb with you in Joshua Tree, so we'll see you in 5-6 weeks!
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Disaster Master
Sport climber
Arcata / Santa Rosa, CA
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Topic Author's Reply - Oct 20, 2010 - 03:34pm PT
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THE PILL HAS BEEN SWALLOWED!
Wow, I feel great! Must be turning into...
Now just 6 more hours of watching me and bleeding me. Then a place to crash for the night. Then more tests in the AM.
Doping on,
Paul
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delendaest
Trad climber
San Francisco, CA
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Oct 20, 2010 - 04:12pm PT
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Rock and Ice in the background is a nice touch! If you have time there's a Phillie cheese steak place down the street from Zion, a few of those will put some meat on your bones.
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hooblie
climber
from where the anecdotes roam
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Oct 20, 2010 - 04:14pm PT
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a brother smite's the reaper, the way ahead is clear!
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nature
climber
Whereverland....
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Oct 20, 2010 - 04:21pm PT
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turning into SuperTopo story of the year.
Now just finish the deal. We know you can!
woohooo!
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Oct 20, 2010 - 04:27pm PT
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awesome! perhaps all the picking, poking and bleeding will make you into a human sieve and all the crappppy stuff will strain on out! WAY TO GO Mutant! Susan
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nita
Social climber
chica from chico.. I shall call you..mini moo.
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Oct 20, 2010 - 07:00pm PT
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...Paul, It makes me so happy you have the drugs...I have to put on some Happy music..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F7AcZAd5Sss
Paul & Scseagoat...Sending good thoughs and prayers for healing and strength ..
lighting two new candles tonight...
Saludos...
nita (-:
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SteveW
Trad climber
The state of confusion
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Oct 20, 2010 - 07:11pm PT
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Best of luck with it Paul.
Keeping the vibe alive!!!!
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Disaster Master
Sport climber
Arcata / Santa Rosa, CA
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Topic Author's Reply - Oct 20, 2010 - 07:33pm PT
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Still in the hospital. The trial coordinator just told me that they almost rejected me because of the brain thing, then did not at the behest of my Doc.
THEN she said the drug company closed the enrollment after my acceptence. I'm the last one on it. 12 people in SF and less than 60 WORLDWIDE!
THEN she said that there are 3 people in evaluation here today. She must now tell them they will not get the drug. Poor bastards. She was trying to make me feel grateful, but I can only think of them, and the sh#t going through their heads now..."What now? What else is there? Does this mean I'm going to die anyway???" Horrific. They are in the same building as me right now.
Free will for the dying. Let them have their hope. Say it might kill them then give them what you have. This hold-it-until-so-sure-its-rediculous-before-we-approve-it method of new drug testing is killing people.
Best of luck to those screwed through no fault of their own today. It could have been me...
But it wasn't, so on we go,
Paul
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Oct 20, 2010 - 09:17pm PT
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I am so happy for you...but I am appalled that the nurse tried to do anything to make you feel "grateful" at the expense of others. The focus needs to be on you and your healing without the added stress of survivors' guilt. The positive perfect storm was with you today. As you heal you will have chances to give back in even greater amounts the compassion you are feeling now. For whatever reason, it's YOUR turn to heal.
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blackbird
Trad climber
the flat water trails...
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Oct 20, 2010 - 09:29pm PT
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Paul - Nita's candle worked for my cancer so it'll work for yours, too!! I'm lighting one tonight as well just for extra support!!!
Thinking about you and Ruth!!
Samantha
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Seamstress
Trad climber
Yacolt, WA
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Oct 21, 2010 - 12:22am PT
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Most excellent.
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BrassNuts
Trad climber
Save your a_s, reach for the brass...
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Oct 21, 2010 - 07:45am PT
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Paul & Ruth,
Best wishes and healing thoughts to you both as you embark on the next phase - I truly hope the trial is fruitful for you!
Dave
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Disaster Master
Sport climber
Arcata / Santa Rosa, CA
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Topic Author's Reply - Oct 21, 2010 - 08:48pm PT
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Many thanks to you all for the props.
A special thank you from both Ruth and I to the Nystrom family of San Fran. They opened their home to us so we could rest in between all the appointments last night. Great people! This is an example of the positive off-topic (sort of) things that can come out of Super Topo.
Some of the other receint threads I have browsed are examples of the not so positive that can vie for space as well.
Been seeing too much arguing and hate on ST lately. Stop feeding the negative and create the positive. Start your own benificial posts.
hippy love thoughts,
(this new drug must be reallly good!)
Paul
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Oct 24, 2010 - 04:16pm PT
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Rather amazing news. Only 5 days on a 1/2 dose of the new wonder drug and I have more energy. I am not using my cane. And at least one large tumor on my neck is definetly shrinking!!! It is a quarter less large than a week ago. What up with that???!!
Climbing on,
Paul
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ncrockclimber
climber
NC
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Oct 24, 2010 - 04:17pm PT
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I'll tell you what's up with that - you are kicking ass! That is great news!
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Oct 24, 2010 - 04:56pm PT
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YES. YES. YES. YOU ARE MY HERO! Susan
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Karl Baba
Trad climber
Yosemite, Ca
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Oct 24, 2010 - 05:20pm PT
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Wishing you well bro and blessings on your path.
Glad you are embracing positive change, as hippie studies by real doctors have shown that those who really embrace positive transformations are the ones who beat this stuff. When you're not the same person you were, you're not the same person who got sick in the first place
peace
karl
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SteveW
Trad climber
The state of confusion
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Oct 24, 2010 - 07:05pm PT
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Paul
That's welcoming news. My thoughts are with you
as you continue to get better, and keep on impressing me--
WOW!
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Jan
Mountain climber
Okinawa, Japan
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Oct 24, 2010 - 08:08pm PT
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Great news!
Good drugs and a positive attitude.
The right combination for sure.
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Oct 24, 2010 - 10:00pm PT
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Felt good enough to go in with Ruth and take a Bikram hot yoga class! First one in two months. I shocked myself an did every pose. did not sit out at all. Wow!
So who knows? Maybe the pill fits my bill? Feel the best I have felt in months.
Paul
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ncrockclimber
climber
NC
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Oct 24, 2010 - 10:37pm PT
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that is such great news! i am very happy for you. keep that positive energy flowing and keep on getting better. you are going to beat this!
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Oct 25, 2010 - 12:04am PT
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I am so happy for you. I too love Bikram yoga and a brand new studio just opened by me and I can't wait to get back to it. Hopefully next week. I saw your pic of the toe stand...awesome...I haven't been to Bikram for over a month....and when consistent boy does it make a difference.
There you go, being my inspiration again!
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okay,whatever
Trad climber
Charlottesville, VA
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Oct 26, 2010 - 10:10pm PT
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Paul, I don't know you or Ruth at all, but having been through some difficult experiences akin to yours, though much less dangerous in the end, I felt like sending something positive to the both of you. Somehow, the energy in this video seemed relevant, especially because of your relationship... ignore if not so, and in any case all my best wishes!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ls5TR6dCknQ
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stevep
Boulder climber
Salt Lake, UT
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Oct 26, 2010 - 10:31pm PT
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Great news. Raising my beer to months more of it.
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Mighty Hiker
climber
Vancouver, B.C.
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Oct 27, 2010 - 01:30pm PT
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I wonder how chemoboy's doing today? Hopefully the treatment is going well.
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Nibs
Trad climber
Humboldt, CA
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Oct 27, 2010 - 03:24pm PT
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Paul:
My wife (then gf) and I remember you from HSU climbing class - '90 or '91. You were so supportive of us noobs and your enthusiasm was contagious. You were an inspiration then, you are an inspiration now.
thank you for sharing your journey with all of us; what's the latest?
gary
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Jobee
Social climber
El Portal Ca.
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Oct 27, 2010 - 06:19pm PT
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Big, Happy, Hippie, Healing Vibe ... coming your way.
It's great you were able to practice Yoga!
Namaste
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Oct 28, 2010 - 10:40am PT
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Well, we are back in San Francisco for another day of observation and blood tests. 10 hours of tests today. No traffic, though, on the way in from Santa Rosa. We are an hour early!
Good News:
The tumors are SHRINKING!!!
Hard to believe, but the truth is in the palpating. They are smaller. I have more energy and am walking better.
Nice to hear from folks from the past, hi back!
Mastering on,
Paul
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rlf
Trad climber
Josh, CA
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Oct 28, 2010 - 10:50am PT
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Good news indeed!
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Nov 1, 2010 - 12:05pm PT
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Well, the tumors are still slowly shrinking! I am feeling good enough to go to the climbing gym...
I have also started a blog so my non-climbing family and friends can check out how Ruth and I are doing.
Check it out at http://disastermasterblog.blogspot.com/
Climbing on,
DM
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Gene
Social climber
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There are some fantastic smiles in those pictures. Keep on keeping on!
g
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rlf
Trad climber
Josh, CA
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Good news to hear. Keep up the fight!
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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This is AWESOME
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SteveW
Trad climber
The state of confusion
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That's wonderful news, Paul.
Thanks for keeping us in the loop!
My thoughts are with you!
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nature
climber
Tuscon Again! India! India! Hawaii! LA?!?!
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Keep at it my friend. These posts are so very inspiring.
Tina says hello to you and Ruth.
peace,
Doug
Edit: so that's one of the chickens I was hitting on.
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Crimpergirl
Sport climber
Boulder, Colorado!
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Happy to see smiles because of shrinkage! :)
Really, this is great news. And thanks for the blog url. I'm a blog junkie - love to read them. Best to you both!
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nature
climber
Tuscon Again! India! India! Hawaii! LA?!?!
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update us buddy....
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Nov 3, 2010 - 07:02pm PT
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Hi.
Well, back in the hospital in San Fran for more monitoring and tests. They EKG'ed me good.
Lots of blood draws all day long. My friend Gym stopped by and made fun of me. The little chickensh#t. He's a real cluck up.
Guess we will go check out Planet Granite tonight. Shouldn't it be called planet plastic? At lest I feel good enough to climb.
I get a "drug holiday" for the next 6 days to see how long the drug stays in my sysyem. then its the full dose, full bore daily after that.
Even onthe half dose I am on now, the tumors continue to shrink. I can walk without the cane now and my swelling in the legs is down a lot.
Almost back to just out of shape!
Redpointing this mo-fo,
Paul
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donini
Trad climber
Ouray, Colorado
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Fantastic Paul! I look forward to seeing you and Ruth in Berkeley, Angela sends her best. Keep an eye on that chicken, they're sneaky little bastards.
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Gene
Social climber
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Even onthe half dose I am on now, the tumors continue to shrink. I can walk without the cane now and my swelling in the legs is down a lot.
Almost back to just out of shape!
Redpointing this mo-fo,
Paul
Nothing can beat your attitude. Much respect, Paul. kick ass!!!
See you at the Donini gig on 12/5.
Best,
Gene
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Mighty Hiker
climber
Vancouver, B.C.
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I can see a new title at the book store: "Chicken Soup for the Malignant Melanoma Survivor".
Starring guess who?
Good luck!
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Maysho
climber
Soda Springs, CA
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Awesome News Paul!
Keep on keeping on!
Peter
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BrassNuts
Trad climber
Save your a_s, reach for the brass...
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Egggzellent news Paul! Cheers to you and Ruth! Oh yeah, watch out for that chicken.... she was a real problem at the IC sushi fest ;-0
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Geez Paul, compared to your pics posted back around Aug and Sept. you look like the "Beef Master". You are looking much more healthy moving towards robust. Yeah...do it. I would love to get a Gym Bird to sit in for some of my upcoming procedures. Oh well...you've been an inspiration...you did it so can I!
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JOEY.F
Social climber
sebastopol
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Just Awesome, look at those smiles!
Wishing you continued shrinkage...
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Fritz
Trad climber
Hagerman, ID
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Too Cool! It is wonderful to see your positive attitude rewarded.
Keeping your sense of humor through all this is "great Schist!"
Glad that Gym stopped by.
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Mungeclimber
Trad climber
sorry, just posting out loud.
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Good times to say to your friends "DUDE I GOT SHRINKAGE!"
lol!
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ncrockclimber
climber
NC
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This is SO great! I have so much respect for the way that you are handling this and your attitude. Keep the post coming and hang in there! It is so amazing to see you getting better.
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Jan
Mountain climber
Okinawa, Japan
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Glad the good news continues. I send positive thoughts every day.
We've all learned so much about the human spirit from you.
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donini
Trad climber
Ouray, Colorado
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tumors shrinking slooooowly is good. That way they don't dump a bunch of metabolites into your unsuspecting system. You are looking better than that guy who climbed Supercrack.
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nature
climber
Tuscon Again! India! India! Hawaii! LA?!?!
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you sir, for inspiring so many, are granted a SushiFest pass for life.
Ruth too.
and we need to talk about the 5th-wheel.
plus the guidebook you did doesn't suck.
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Bargainhunter
climber
Central California
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Some people think this forum is about climbing.
I like this forum because it is about life.
Thank you Paul; what you are doing here is important.
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Nov 4, 2010 - 07:38pm PT
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I am getting a LOT of thanks and praise on Supertopo lately. Thank you back. Remember, though, that not all is mastery. Parts of my life are still a disaster. As are parts of anyone’s. You post readers are getting the high-light reel.
A few months back I was on a treatment called YM155. Some old friends drove from Kansas to see me. We decided to go to the climbing gym, but needed to get some stuff from the local REI. I picked up the Dec. (#188) copy of Rock & Ice. Back home, I thumbed directly to this letter to the editor by Justin Isaac, titled “Thanks and Praise”.
It felt like it had been written just for me. I showed it to my girlfriend Ruth. Bizarre timing! It affected me so much I wrote R&I a response, they called it “Wisdom” and published it in Letters, issue #190.
Justin’s letter was a great motivating factor in how I would treat my illness, as far as mindset goes. But it ain’t all gravy and bravery here. I am often a grumpy, gristly bummer to be around. Usually not in public. Though on bad days I seem to intimidate or put people off. Must be some look on my face or a tone in my voice.
But the single person in the whole world who sees it all is Ruth, my lover and closest friend. She lives with me, does nearly all the chores. She drives when I can’t and fusses over me. She has limited, yet vast patience with my moods. But she is a casualty of proximity. She lives in my Bullshit tornado. It wears her out.She sees the good as well, reminds me of it when I am down. She strives to remind me that I’m not doomed, I am worthy, and can rise again.
In return, she gets the gale…The storm erupting from my frazzled nerves. She gets the uncertainty of an illness that usually takes its “victims” fast, yet horribly. And she knows she will still be here if I die, which sickens her. She loves me like no other.
Those surrounding someone in crisis, those on the front line, are the silent heroes of these stories. Not just mine, but countless untold others.
If you know one of these front line heroes, thank them. Let them know they are recognized and remarkable. There is no need for angels with these sorts of humans on the Earth.
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Nov 5, 2010 - 10:56am PT
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TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY. I MADE IT TO 39!
A month or so ago, when staying in Ouray, CO, I decided that 39 isn't old enough, though. I vowed to make at least 40 years. So stay tuned...
This is the letter my folks sent out when I showed up. They were a young evangelical couple. Dad was ordained the same week I was born. They were starting a church in Huntington Beach Ca. From there to here...Mr. Toad's wild ride!
Still Here,
Paul
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nita
Social climber
chica from chico.. I shall call you..mini moo.
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Paul, I just need to say.. thanks again...
and I've said it before....I love your writing and your honesty.
Thanks to you and Beautiful Ruth.
Salud..
Edit:. This song reminded me of Ruth
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Da9lBOSJhR4
edit, Shout out for Justin too...
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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speechless.
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dougs510
Social climber
down south
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Damn man, I didn't read this post for a long time. Just finished up your TR about when you fell from the tree. You are the Disaster Master, because you Master the disaster.
I sit around here, feeling sorry for myself, with moles and sh$t popping up all over me. I say to myself, "I don't want to know, besides, I got no insurance". Truth is, I'm scared of knowing. Sheeeewwwwww..... Man, I'm so glad your posting up here, it's really giving me a reason to push forward. My knee is blown out, so I haven't climbed in a couple of years, and usually just sit here.... I really miss those days of being on the rock.
You have brought tears of hope to me. I don't know were this all will lead, but you, sir, are an inspiration. And for that, I am grateful.
Doug
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hashbro
Trad climber
Mental Physics........
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Incredible story and thread Paul.
I've had several pre-melanoma moles excised over the last couple decades and am massively rooting for you and tumor shrinkage. If Lance can do it, so can you bro.
Get well soon!
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Nov 11, 2010 - 10:33am PT
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Hi everyone!
I just started the full dose of RO5185426, the pill formally known as PLX4032. Finally. I had to take a "Drug Holiday" to see how long the half dose they had me on would last in my system. Progress reversed. The tumors grew and my energy left me. Yeah, a "holiday!"
SO I am psyched to get the full dose. If it goes as well or better than the half dose, I should see improvments in the next day or two. We will see.
I am JONESING to get to J-Tree. It is such a healing place for me. But Ruth keeps reminding me we are poor, I have cancer, and she needs her job. Details, details...
IF we can get job, budget and medical issues in sync, we will be in J-Tree for at least a week in the second half of November.
If not... December?
Life tries to get in the way of living sometimes.
Mastering on,
Paul
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nature
climber
Tuscon Again! India! India! Hawaii! LA?!?!
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Nov 11, 2010 - 11:06am PT
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go check your paypal account. maybe it'll help get you closer to jtree.
thanks for the update.
stay strong,
doug
don't forget there is a sushifest in cochise end of this month ;-)
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Nov 11, 2010 - 11:31am PT
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Damn, Nature. Thanks! That's going directly into the back to the rock road trip can.
I keep thinking of your next fest, driving vs. climbing time is the issue.
Thanks again. you rock,
Paul
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Nov 11, 2010 - 05:33pm PT
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Paul, great news that you are getting back on the super pill. Good to know that it is doing its job. I start chemo on the 19th...a little scared but what the heck. We are also trying to get to Joshua Tree since we missed all our Moab and Yosemite stuff after my Dx. Just needing to work it around all the pokes and jabs....I know you know how that works. I've also become amazed at how different each blood draw can be in terms of the skill level of the person. Mondays draw never felt a thing, yesterday I thought they were sticking me with a rusty hose pipe. So it goes...this healing stuff...stay strong, clearly the full dose is working considering the pics posted earlier. Susan
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Nov 11, 2010 - 05:43pm PT
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Just needing to work it around all the pokes and jabs....I know you know how that works. I've also become amazed at how different each blood draw can be in terms of the skill level of the person. Mondays draw never felt a thing, yesterday I thought they were sticking me with a rusty hose pipe.
Damn straight! I have a port implanted, but it only works half the time. So I get poked in the port, and then in the arm anyway, most times. Each stab feels worse. I am sooo over needles!
Carry on, SC.
Bikram, the guru of the yoga I do told me once "Life is like ocean waves. When I am in the trough of the wave, in a down place, I am happy. Because I know I will soon be on the way up again! It is when I am at the crest of the wave that I say 'uh, oh' because I may soon be going down again."
-Paul
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Nov 11, 2010 - 07:38pm PT
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Love the wave analogy! Esp. living in Santa Cruz I have always referred to dealing with the "waves". I hope to get back to Bikram soon. They opened a new studio a mile from my house just at the time of my dx. Incision healing still a little too tender for full on hot yoga. I think about another 2 weeks. At least after my chemo starts I won't need to worry about the sopping wet hair after yoga!
Stay strong! Make them keep giving you the good pills! Do they hand it to you in one of those little paper cups which you then see the billing for the $25 paper cup? Yeah, medical fun and games.
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JOEY.F
Social climber
sebastopol
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Nov 13, 2010 - 11:53pm PT
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Had the great fortune to meet Disaster Master and Ruth at Vertex today after the yoga class.
What you read is what you get.
Smiles, enthusiasm, friendliness, and laughs.
Didn't meet Gym Birdwall, had to stay in the car, prolly couldn't keep up with these two, dang...
Thank you, Paul and Ruth.
Joe.
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Gym Birdwall
Gym climber
The "Koop"
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Nov 14, 2010 - 08:57am PT
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Wow, Joe. That pic and post are like a Disaster Master bigfoot sighting!
(I was sleeping it off in the truck. Too much grey goose vodka.)
-GB
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Nov 20, 2010 - 04:48am PT
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Oh my God, I am starting to feel like a living human again!
After a week or so on the full dose of PLX4032 Tthe tumors continue to shrink. I have some wierd side effects, but nothing I can't LIVE with. I have been sleepy at odd times and I forget where I am, what I am doing on occasion...Could be the medical pot though...what was I saying?
Been taking more hot yoga classes. Feel almost good enough to start teaching yoga again.
Tonight Ruth and I went to the gym. I never thought I would say this, but thank god for plastic. It gives me the outlet to train, recover. I climbed 14 TRs in two hours, in between belays for Ruth. Sent 5 5.10a's and 5 5.10b's. Not bad for someone who could barely walk a month ago!
NEVER, EVER GIVE UP! THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE, UP TO THE LAST BREATH. FIGHT!
I am looking into starting a non-profit called C.R.A.C.Climbers Rise Above Cancer. Perhaps a fund / awarness raising climb in the spring???!!
Hard to kill
& even harder
to keep down.
I bounce back
& keep comming around.
_Paul H.
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Jello
Social climber
No Ut
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Nov 20, 2010 - 05:15am PT
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Paul, you are a total, high-class inspiration! Thank you for being...
-JelloMasterThanksDisasterMaster
EDIT: I would be happy to join your band of CRAC climbers.
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Nov 20, 2010 - 05:25am PT
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Absolutly!
As Founder, I have member number #1.
Jello is now charter member #2.
#3......SCSeagoat?
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Jello
Social climber
No Ut
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Nov 20, 2010 - 05:32am PT
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Charter member #2. I like that a lot...
-#2Jello
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Jaybro
Social climber
Wolf City, Wyoming
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Nov 20, 2010 - 08:54am PT
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Maybe get that Blackbird in there.
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Nov 20, 2010 - 10:32am PT
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Remember, you need not HAVE cancer to become a member of CRAC. In fact, I would prefer it over cancer positive!
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SteveW
Trad climber
The state of confusion
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Nov 20, 2010 - 11:43am PT
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You are an inspiration, Paul!
My prayers are with you.
Steve
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Nov 20, 2010 - 01:47pm PT
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I have been reading past posts with "cancer" in them. So much of it on ST! Over 3,000 cancer related posts.
More CRAC automatic memberships go to the following. (Please update with your status):
-Anstasia
-Dirtineye
-Kris (cosmic's son)
-Blinny
-RickyD
-Blackbird
This is just from memory. Quite frankly, the names are too numerous to remember...
I have another thread gathering all the ones I have found together: http://www.supertopo.com/climbing/thread.php?topic_id=1322403&tn=0#msg1323291
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nita
Social climber
chica from chico.. I shall call you..mini moo.
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Nov 20, 2010 - 02:14pm PT
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I know Funkness was fighting cancer...don't know him and i just noticed he has not posted since 2007... I remember him from the F*#k cancer thread..
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Nov 20, 2010 - 02:42pm PT
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Yes Yes....I want to be a charter member! (Single digit member number if possible as my major cancer marker, the CA125 blood antigen when in the single digits is what we shoot for) I just had my first Chemo yesterday. So far so good. I did not have allergic reaction to any of them (thank goodness) and my blood counts were all good going in. I know chemo is cumulative so it may get rougher...but I'm there. My dear little climber friend Tiffany,(who has won many world champtionship) sent me this quote yesterday "If you are going through hell, keep going" Churchill. Yes, I will keep going through this hell until I'm going through my next hell on granite (well probably plastic first). I'm not quite cleared for gym climbing yet (I'm only 5 weeks post surgery), but I think within a couple weeks I can make it to the gym. Just need to monitor the chemo fatigue and keep lots of hand sanitizer on hand.
Thanks Paul....you are so great. We hope to make it to the Donni event in Berkeley on the 5th; perhaps you will be there? By then my hair will be getting pretty skimpy so I might be the only one with a beanie on all night...well maybe not since it is a climbing event!
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Nov 20, 2010 - 02:52pm PT
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Oh, I will be at the Donini show with Ruth. Welcome to my new club! Good to hear so far so good with you, SC.
I am sure you are an inspiration to many people as well.
-DM
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Nov 24, 2010 - 07:22pm PT
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Just wanted to wish all following this thread a happy Thanksgiving! I am thankful for you all.
May your climbs be eventful, yet not tragic. And may you live to see all your eyes wish to.
Much Love,
Paul & Ruth
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Seamstress
Trad climber
Yacolt, WA
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Nov 24, 2010 - 09:54pm PT
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Wish to see you in the New Year!
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Jan
Mountain climber
Okinawa, Japan
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Nov 25, 2010 - 10:03am PT
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Happy Thanksgiving to you too! You have certainly reminded us of what's important in life and what we need to be thankful for. Here's to many more in your future!
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go-B
climber
Matthew 25:40
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Nov 25, 2010 - 09:15pm PT
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A toast to you Paul, and prayers too!
God Bless
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Nov 26, 2010 - 10:33am PT
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That last post makes NO SENSE!!!
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ncrockclimber
climber
NC
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Nov 26, 2010 - 11:13am PT
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Happy belated Turkey Day. Keep up the good work! I am so happy for you and look forward to hearing more great news about your recovery.
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Tony Bird
climber
Northridge, CA
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Nov 26, 2010 - 11:13am PT
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that wasn't a post, paul, it was spam stuffed with spam. hope the rest of y'all did better with thanksgiving dinner--i sure did.
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Nov 27, 2010 - 01:55pm PT
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Talking In MY Head
Disease ..................Unease .............. Not at ease ............. Sicker ........... Healthier ....... Happy .........
Sad .................. Angry .................... Silly................ Despondent …......... Overjoyed ........................
Dead or Alive ???????????????????????? ….................... Confused.
That's pretty much the short version of my illness up to now.
I find myself in a conflicting place. The tumors are shrinking, yet my mind is not at ease. I spent so much time and mind on accepting my own death that now the prospect of a longer than expected future seems....well, daunting.
I have always been an optimistic pessimist. I hope for the best but really believe its all going to hit the fan in the end. Part of the way I dealt with my supposedly impending death was to catalog the parts of life that annoyed me, that I despised, that scared me to death. I reasoned that at least my inadequacies would end with the rest of me. And I hoped to be remembered only for the things I bragged about, not the flaws.
I'm not that good at dying. I yell and scream at the Nothing. I bounce up and down in my head. And I cling to and push away the one I love, all at the same time, because I don't want to, but feel I can't help hurting her. I sink in a soup of “What the F*#k?”
Dying sucks.
Living ain't that easy either, though. I've had my share of successes and joy in life, but my personal pessimism persists. But pessimism is pointless. It serves no purpose, except to derail myself. So why is it there?
I'm not a big bummer masquerading as a saint. It's just that my moods reflect my outlook, where I am on the P.O. Scale:
( PESSIMISM -------------------------------------------------- OPTIMISM). For some weird reason I see only the Positive in most others, yet judge myself so harshly.
Today, well into the first cycle of the full strength cancer drug prescribed me, I feel more confused than ever. Anyone looking in would say “Rejoice!” My tumors are shrinking, My leg is not swollen, My gut is moving and I am eating and gaining back weight.
Yet along with the progress come new side effects. My scalp and neck itch like a bad case of poison oak. My feet seem to be growing bone spurs or something. It hurts to stand and walk again. Night sweats and technicolor nightmares are leaving me sleep deprived and paranoid.
Just side effects, right? At least it seems I'm not on the way out right now, getting 'healthy looking'. But I don't just want to keep on breathing. I want to LIVE!
My Girlfriend Ruth wrecked her knee racing bikes as a pro. Every step reminds her of her past and her altered now because of it. She hates that her leg limits her. Yet she rides her bike instead of driving, everyday. When it hurts a little less, she runs stairs to challenge it. She goes to the gym and climbs as hard as she can, even though her injury means weird new sequences and pain just to move up. She rocks. She gets pissed at her body. She knows there is a loss that may not return. But she keeps trying.
Part of what brought us together was injury and loss. We understand these things. I just want to be able to feel joy again. To inspire her again like she inspires me. I feel a fool, though, incapable of competence. This depression is an irrational yet absolute wall, a tough one. Just looking up from the base makes me shake...
It is oh, so easy to fall down a hole. I've seen the empty eyes of those who have concluded all is pointless. The mind is often its own worst enemy. I am not going to fail, though I have fallen quite often. Get up. Get going. Get on with it. Get a life.............and accept it.
I forget that I am a bad ass sometimes. I just think I'm Bad, or an ASS..... and I collapse despite myself.
OK. Deep breath, then another, then a longer one. Chill. Don't self fulfill your prophecy. If you are alive try to deal, and if you can't laugh at it, don't despair. Might as well be happy and f*#ked up than just f*#ked up. If you can't climb walk. If you cant walk crawl. If you can't crawl meditate. Just smile, my man. You got the love of your life still here. You have your breath. You have you mind...don't loose it.
BUT I WANT TO FLY. I've had my wings clipped. It's no use telling me the grounded life is fine...I've soared!
You've changed, that's all. I bet even among worms there is a bad ass, wiggling better then the rest in the dirt. Wiggle well, if that's all you can do. Get over yourself.
I am me, and that's all I need to be?.................
Continuing to blow my own mind,
Paul.
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pat
Trad climber
estes park
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Nov 27, 2010 - 02:48pm PT
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Hello Disaster Master,
My mother currently has melanoma, stage 3c, a result of a misdiagnosis by a dermatologist (scary). My family has been dealing with it for a while, and I have done a lot of research on the disease. There is a great website here http://www.melanoma.org/community/mrf-bulletin-board where melanoma survivors and those currently active disease get together and talk about treatments, dealing with the stress, anything really. Everyone there is from different walks of life, but in the same boat as you, and the wealth of information and support is vast. If you register and post what you just wrote there, you will get meaningful support from people who are traveling the same road as you.
It is, of course, a resource for cancer patients and survivors, and there is some depressing stuff there. There are also a surprising amount of success stories as well, it's hard, but people with advanced disease do beat this, and you can be one of them. Melanoma is also the focus of a lot of current research. Fight hard, keep taking the drug despite the side effects, get your tumor burden down, and take it from there. Ipimunillab (sp.) and vaccine therapies provide the longest remission free survival (i.e. cure), and there are planned trials combining the drug you are taking now with others that look very promising.
I wish you all the best,
Patrick Vernon
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Nov 27, 2010 - 04:51pm PT
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I hate this souless cancer bast##ard. Wallow, be angry, pissed, depressed and overwhelmed for awhile, it's cathartic and I've found absolutely essential in this battle then it exhausts itself and some relief comes flowing back. Hopefully you will move through this debilitating patch soon. Warm thoughts for you and Ruth. Susan
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Nov 27, 2010 - 05:31pm PT
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Its not ALL bad, as Ruth reminded me after my last post. I am mostly Pissed at being hobbled again. I don't sit around well. Most of all though, dealing with being alive means remembering the issues undelt with, the would-a, could-a, should-a stuff that rattles around in your brain.
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Nov 29, 2010 - 06:08am PT
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I am going to try to teach again. I can do that even siting down. Back to the yoga.
In my quest to work through the emotions involved with cancer I came across this by Sri Swami Sivananda in his booklet, Conquest of Fear.
BE COURAGEOUS, FRIEND
Difficulties, adversities and sorrows
Are Karmic Purgation;
They instil mercy in the heart,
They turn the mind more towards God,
They are blessings in disguise,
They help your evolution,
And strengthen your will and power of endurance,
They make you more wise and dispassionate.
Muster courage and strength,
Nil desperadum Friend!
Draw strength from within,
Move forward courageously,
Look not back,
Be regular in your meditation,
Stand as a witness or Drashta,
Identify with the Immortal Self
You are born for higher things,
A brilliant future is awaiting you,
Apply diligently to Yoga,
Unfold all latent faculties,
Yield not to unmanliness,
Shake off faintheartedness,
Stand up, be bold and cheerful,
Rejoice, enjoy and be blissful.
Thou art not this body,
Thou art immortal Brahman,
Thou art eternal Atman,
Thou art diseaseless Soul,
Thou art blissful Svarupa,
Thou art All-full Chaitanya,
Thou art invincible Lord of lords.
And this...
Cultivate courage. Be a silent witness of the mind’s menagerie. The mind will lurk like a thief. You will feel now that you were duped all these years by this mischievous mind and that fear is a non-entity, a big zero.
Now THAT'S a pep talk!
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TWP
Trad climber
Mancos, CO
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Nov 30, 2010 - 12:22am PT
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Paul:
Your picture in "Toe Stand" is recent?
If so, you look far better than when our paths crossed at Indian Creek.
Wow! You look alive and strong! And that was not my impression at Indian Creek.
The invite to come to Mancos is still open come spring.
May our paths cross again,
Terry Price
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Nov 30, 2010 - 11:55am PT
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Your picture in "Toe Stand" is recent?
If so, you look far better than when our paths crossed at Indian Creek.
Well, the pic was actually taken the day I noticed something wrong, close to a year ago. I was in Toe-stand repetedly for the photographer. By the end of the shoot I felt what seemed like a pulled muscle in my groin. Turns out it was the main tumor I felt growing.
I look better than when you saw me last though! I am about half way in between what you saw and the picture.
Would have stopped by your place, but had to hi-tail it to the doctors.
C-Ya,
Paul and Ruth
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Nov 30, 2010 - 06:49pm PT
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Here is the comparison Toe-stand pic. This is after taking yoga today.
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Gym Birdwall
Gym climber
The "Koop"
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Nov 30, 2010 - 09:39pm PT
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Good to see youat yoga today,Paul. Love Ruth's classes. How 'bout climbing at The Bubble after the rains?
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Nov 30, 2010 - 09:41pm PT
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How 'bout climbing at The Bubble after the rains?
Gym B., PM me. We will see..............
-DM
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Nov 30, 2010 - 10:52pm PT
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You are looking awesome! The Bird is doin' well too! and Ruth...well Ruth is very lovely!
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blackbird
Trad climber
the flat water trails...
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I"m just now checking in/keeping tabs on threads in which I've posted...
A status update as per your request: I"m almost exactly one year out from my most recent surgery (it was January 13, 2010.) Results from labs last week say that all numbers/counts/levels remain (and will continue to remain!!!) exactly where they should. YAY!! Now I just have to keep working on getting my head and heart realigned... ACK!
ABSOLUTELY count me in the CRAC club, and if an opportunity to climb and visit with you et. al in the spring works out, I would truly be honored to be there. Let's send out some optimism and see when it happens!!
To respond to your post on the 27th: I vividly relate to many of your words and thoughts; I truly believe that many here could, particularly those of us who have been up close and personal with this thing we call cancer.
The crying, yelling, screaming and being humbled on every front... The agony of numbness, defeat, loneliness, depression... The gawdawful yoyo of "usta-coulding" and "remember when-ing" yourself to death... People pulling away and/or withdrawing and/or you simply pushing them away, not knowing how to act or react or reach out to you nor you to them because you are so angry at the world or angry at yourself or just damned pissed at breathing and and generally miserably as you try desperately inside your head and your heartto make order out of the ChaosThatHasBecomeYourLife... All of this is frighteningly - and annoyingly! - real and familiar.
Then gradually, you become able to look beyond all of the confusion, darkness and pain... You become able to look to that patch of blue as the storm clears and to the doe you can glimpse through the trees with her still spotted fawn and able to listen to a tune, simple though it may be with no complicated harmonies, that brings a breath of beauty to the air you breathe and that you feel as it resonates through your body and soul when you draw your bow... Serendipitious treasures - both tangible and metaphysical, from perfect strangers begin to light up your days... The light touch or deep hug of a well meaning individual do so as well... These, and others too numerous to mention, are the things that keep you going; that kept ME going. These are the things that continue to help ME to accept that yes, though I once was able to fly, that path has changed and now there are different opportunities. THIS is my path now, and while I may not be where I once was - and where I am certainly more comfortable - this new perspective has gifted me with new opportunities to travel in different directions and with refreshed eyes.
Acceptance is a challenging thing at times. Finding peace can be even more so.
Though it may frequently feel as if you are, you are not alone on this winding trail. I wish you continued peace and healing as your path unfolds before you...
Please keep us posted...
Samantha (bb)
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Wow BB, Samantha! As a new warrior in the damnable cancer battle I have followed and chatted with Paul and gained many insights from his journey. Your most recent post has put to words that avalanche of emotions and jumble I have felt as I have been dumped into a fight I never expected. To this new warrior I find much strength and grounding in what you and Paul have shared...as you said, a reminder that we aren't alone on this journey, and regardless of our individual journeys whatever our love of the rock or nature that brought us all to ST we are able to reach out to kindred souls to discuss and share things as debilitating as cancer to the mystery of physics or historical Chounaird 'biners. Gotta love it! Susan
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Dec 6, 2010 - 04:50am PT
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Went to Jim Donini's show in Berkley. Good stuff.
Met a few STers there including SCseagoat. Great to see ya! Don't sweat hair and chemo thing. Tell people you are shenade o,connor (sp?). Really, though, keep going.
Ruth and I popped in, watched the show, and popped out. Not much mingling. Ruth teaches yoga at 7 am the next morning and my feet are killing me from drug side effects. Fun, fun... Got home, too much rock in my head, can't sleep.
I wondered how I would feel going to a slide show about climbing. They usually rev me up to get out NOW. With my condition, I can't run out and climb. I left inspired yet a little melancoly about missed / rejected oportunities in climbing.
My skin is gettting scalier and itches like crazy. the pads on my feet seem to be impaled on nails when I stand, and ache when I sit. Poor me. Its like having poison oak and standing on tacks. Wierd side-effects.
Tumors are smaller, that's why I am putting up with this crap. But the number of pills in my box increases instead of decreasing. I am what I eat.And what I eat are chemicals.
Feel like I am starting to live up to the mutant thing. It is like I m in the middle of the Disaster Master mutant origen story. Comic on a news stand near you soon.
itching on
-Paul
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Dec 9, 2010 - 08:42pm PT
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What's up with cancer ribbons anyhow? Especially Melanoma. The color for melnoma is BLACK! Let's just put a mourning armband on. That's supposed to give me hope?
what's your cancer color?
Cancer Awareness Ribbon Colors:
Bladder Cancer
Yellow
Bone Cancer
White
Brain Cancer *
Gray
Breast Cancer *
Pink
Cervical Cancer *
Light Teal
Childhood Cancer *
Gold
Colon Cancer *
Blue or Brown
Esophageal Cancer
Periwinkle
General Cancer *
Lavender
Head & Neck Cancer
Red & White
Kidney Cancer *
Green
Leukemia *
Orange
Lung Cancer *
White/Clear
Lymphoma *
Lime Green
Melanoma *
Black
Multiple Myeloma
Burgundy
Neuroblastoma
Gold
Oral Cancer
Red & White
Ovarian Cancer *
Teal
Pancreatic/Liver Cancer *
Purple
Prostate Cancer *
Light Blue
Stomach Cancer
Periwinkle
Thyroid Cancer
Teal, Purple & Pink
Uterine Cancer *
Peach
I looked up why melanoma is black:
"Why The Black Ribbon?
Melanoma means "black tumor"
Black is the color of the warrior's mood when going into battle and the melanoma patient is in the battle for life.
Black is our rage when we consider the lack of progress and lack of research funding going on after 25 years of the so-called "War On Cancer"
Still don't feel any happier...
The side effects got so bad I called the Doc. He said stop the pills and come see him. Just got back tonight.
My feet hurt like I've pounded out 40 miles in bad shoes. The rash is now body-wide. Looks like chicken skin. (Sigh)
He wants me off the drug for around a week to see if the rash and pain go away. Then hopefully an adjusted dose. Such a roller coaster.
Fairly down. Don't want to give the cancer a chance by stopping the pill, but, God, the side effects suck! We will see. The docs are more hopeful than I am.
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Dec 10, 2010 - 11:13pm PT
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My thoughts are with you. Just got back from chemo, tired, but jagged up on the pre med steriods. I hope that your docs are able work with your side effects and make them go away or minimize. They sound just horrible. And yeah, I'm not impressed with why melanoma awareness is black...although black can be a very powerful color... Black Ops; Ninja gees; good color for power clothes....so I guess go with the stealth and powerful nature of black. Susan
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Jan
Mountain climber
Okinawa, Japan
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Dec 10, 2010 - 11:48pm PT
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Paul-
The one main thing I learned from my friend's battle with leukemia is never to give up hope. At one point he had twice the fatal amount of white blood cells, total liver and kidney failure. All but one doc had given up on him, yet he survived and 8 years later is fine.
As for your mental description, it sounds like another version of the guilt of the survivor. I went through it when my husband was killed but I didn't know until now that one could go through it on one's own behalf as well. It does make life more serious as one can't help but think we were spared for some bigger purpose. It too takes a long time to get over.
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okaythatsme
climber
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Dec 14, 2010 - 02:49pm PT
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Hey Paul,
Don't know if you've been getting my e-mails but thought I'd drop a line via this forum. I check here to see how you're doing. I'm sorry to hear about the side effects. Continuing good thoughts and hope sent your way. I'd like to send you some photos I have (prints / cd) of you and your siblings if you'd like -- just need to know where to send. If you get a chance send me a note. Lot's of people up north thinking of you and sending their love. -mh
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nature
climber
Tuscon Again! India! India! Hawaii! LA?!?!
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Dec 21, 2010 - 11:49am PT
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Hey Paul.... what's the latest with you.
Give us an update, please.
peace brother...
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Dec 21, 2010 - 01:09pm PT
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Return of The Yogi.?!
(THE FOLLOWING IS EXCERPTS FROM MY JOURNAL, AND ATTEMPTED E-MAILS THAT NEVER WERE SENT. IT MAY SOUND JUMBLED TOGETHER, BUT SO ARE MY THOGHTS AT THE MOMENT.)
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“RO5185426.”
“What?”
“RO5185426. The drug formally known as PLX4032. It's effects rule my life right now.” (Let's back it up a little bit...)
-----------------------------------------------------------
When we last left our attempted hero, he was in the throws of mutation–driven experimental drug therapy for Stage IV Metastatic Malignant Melanoma. (Quite a mouthful.) Earlier non-targeted chemo and mystery molecules had failed to shrink the tumors, instead shrinking Paul down to an astoundingly svelte 128 lbs. He was becoming the “Almost Invisible Man”. Not a good thing.
Despair, and delayed-onset-teen-age angst, (entirely appropriate for a hero origin story),conspired to crush his spirit. His constant companion, Ruth, continually buoyed Paul's mood and braved the mental anguish of witnessing the grotesque and loudly painful transformation. But all seemed inevitably lost.
...Then the moment, we thought, the spider bite, the Gama ray burst, the whatever comic book moment came (and went): RO5185426. A pill so highly promising it was virtually on a pedestal. Doctors got that 16-year-old-girl-with-a-crush look in their eyes when discussing it. And patients felt a strange near-forgotten emotion...Hope.
The drug worked. It seemed almost miraculous! The mutation was nearly complete. The tumors were very small, perhaps even gone. Body weight was up to 143 Lbs. The sun was dawning a bright color indeed...
Then it burned him. Rashes and bumps appeared, first on the scalp then spreading down, like a colonizing horde of chicken skin nodules, all the way to the feet. Each swollen pore seemed to contain a needle, pointed at a nerve. (Itching is not the strong word needed for the sensation.) Then, insult to injury, the pseudo-hero was hobbled again.
Side effects, they wreck the party. They are the kriptonite of pharmacology. The needles turned to nails in his feet, demanding he sit each time he tried to rise. Pain soon had him pounding his sad head against a metal door, and slamming his fists against the floor.
RO5185426. Withdrawn. Transformation on pause. The side effects are too strong. Now denied the wonder-pill , our mopy-marvel waits for his skin to clear, even as his mind grows foggier...
(to be continued...)
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So that's your friendly neighborhood mutant update.
Life is problematic right now, a bit confusing. I seem to be riding a medical wave. I have access and respond to treatment well enough to surf along until the next drug / therapy. I might not be healthy, but I might be around longer than I thought.
Strangely enough this creates a disconnect in my mind. I just got used to the idea of this being my final fight. I was on my way out. Without the treatment I am going through now, I believe I would not still be here. Good news, right?
Yes, Of, Course!
But now my mind must adjust again, to a life as a perpetual Guinea pig. The treatment of melanoma is not a done deal by any means. New things are happening RIGHT NOW. But now my mind must adjust to the long term again, along with a constantly changing eyes-wide-open view of mortality and lifespan. It is one hell of a ride, emphasis on hell.
Life is a sludge I push through , right now.
Don't worry, I am fundamentally fine. But it would be only BS to say this is anything other than a chore. I must carry on, though. Thank God I am not alone. Somewhere in between the tantrums and the laughter is a peace to be gained from this. Haven't found it yet, but I am on the trail.
If I can get this nerve pain and rash to subside I will return to a slightly lower dose of RO5185426. If only my feet will heal so I can walk, I could put up with the rest. I see a podiatrist today for advice.
Above all, it is the love of those near and far that help. Most of all Ruth. She witnesses and co-experiences all the madness of this disease right next to me. Everyone should be so blessed with such a partner. And no such partner should ever be cursed with having to endure their lover's curse.
Much hope and love,
Paul.
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Took a nap. Woke up and the tumors are growing. (Shit!)
The one on my neck I use to gauge the progress had virtually disappeared. This morning, not there, this afternoon... it's baaaaack! What is going on? Am I doomed to choose between types of discomfort. Alive and crippled ...or dead? What a choice... if those are the only choices.
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(Days passed...)
My feet have been x-rated. It's “only pain”. No bone spurs, no nothing. I devourer the shoe department at Big 5 to find shoes to help ease the foot pain. I leave with new shoes, a wake of boxes and strewn rejects behind me on the floor.
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Kriptonite of the Mind...
With the pill retracted, our hero's mood darkened further. The cancers had puffed back, like they simply woke up , stretched and got back to it.
“Screw it!” He was overload, and his mind played down the self destruct sequence...7...6...5...4....Dark images rushed though the Conquered Crusader's mind like the hot beam of a laser of despair, burning out not the cancer but his resolve.
He shook with the struggle.
Who is this foe inside him? Has he turn against himself? In other words, What The F*#k Is Going On? Even sleep offers no refuge.
(to be continued)
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The only way to it is through it.
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I think about my mind, as a child, as a field of view, reaching out in 360 directions simultaneously with a smile on my face. Then I see me now, my mind entrenched, mostly blacked out, lighting up only what I believe I can handle.
I remember a time when it felt as if I could handle it all. Each breath was an adventure. Every new thing was a shock, yet a pleasure, all at once. Why do I shake when remembering these days?
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They gave me back the pill, at a slightly lower dose. Five days in and the tumors are not shrinking again yet. I hope they will. The Docs say they will. I get scanned in a couple days to see where its at.
It's crazy. My nerves make me quiver trying to process it all as I type. The only thing that helps is pranayama, the breath.
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I just got an e-mail from my good friend Tom. He will be in J-Tree over the New Year. My Dad and his wife Marilyn live in Joshua Tree now. Ruth wants me to get there and decompress, even if she has to work. But we will see.
----------------------------------------------------
That's the unorganized cut and paste ramblings of back against the wall Paul. Don't worry too much. Not done yet.
Here is something I remember writing on the Pacific Crest Trail that might explain my ultimate view...
Body And Sole on the PCT
Blisters.
Sores on these damn feet.
I am hobbled
by my own Ambition.
There's a knifing pain
in my damned right knee.
The tendons are rebelling.
I have but ten more
to go today.
10 miles of hills and heat.
Damn feet.
What I need is shade,
and freedom from flies.
And at last it comes,
under creek-side oaks,
past the poison kind,
near a cool, cow visited
seasonal trickle.
Long droughts pass the time
as I hide from high noon,
sweat drying to salt
on my lips and in
the corners of my eyes...
Damn feet,
time to go.
Got 4,000 feet
still to climb.
4,000 feet of
sage brush and buzzworms,
of hills and heat.
There's got to be a tree
up there somewhere...
Look at that!
The land drops away
in waves of shimmering heat,
down from this
blessed tree I've found,
to a vast barren
granitic desert....
I wonder what's up ahead?
Clutchin' & Clawin' on,
Paul.
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Fritz
Trad climber
Choss Creek, ID
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Dec 21, 2010 - 02:41pm PT
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Still thinking positive thoughts for you Paul.
Keep on Clutchin' & Clawin' on,
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scuffy b
climber
Three feet higher
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Dec 21, 2010 - 05:19pm PT
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Thanks, Paul.
You amaze and inspire me. I'm really sorry you have to go through such
hardship.
The gift of your writing is enormous.
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Seamstress
Trad climber
Yacolt, WA
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Dec 21, 2010 - 05:23pm PT
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You are the Master of a disaster. Best wishes for happy holiday.
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Dec 21, 2010 - 07:35pm PT
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thank you Paul. Your writing creates great poignancy and texture. Not much else to say...fellow CRACer! Susan
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Peter Haan
Trad climber
San Francisco, CA
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Dec 21, 2010 - 08:53pm PT
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This is one Trip Report where no one will be asking for current photos, I am sure. Sorry Dude it is so tough.
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sallyclimbs
Sport climber
new zealand
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Dec 21, 2010 - 09:20pm PT
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I live half a world away, but reading this, and having a friend find a mole she had removed for vanity reasons was malignent ,in the same week had me down the doctors for a check up. Got a mole removed yesterday. I'll be telling my friends to get a check up too. Thanks for the reminder to keep an eye on things
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Dec 22, 2010 - 10:41pm PT
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Ruth has prodded me off the couch and out to J-Tree. My friend Tom will be there, will YOU? Last week of the year or so. I am trolling Craig's list for a floppy pair of climbing shoes for my cinder-fella feet. They ache too much for my tight ones. (The Doc told me I shouldn't "Climb or do that rope stuff or anything strenuous". Ruth reminded me that I could climb at les than max. That counts, right?)
We trekked to UCSF MT. Zion to see the Doc again today. 1/2 day of the run around and more tests. For now I continue on a 3/4 dose of the wonder pill. One more potential trap tomorrow when we go back again to get me scanned. At least we will have visual evidence soon.
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Dec 23, 2010 - 11:16pm PT
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Got scanned today. Bad news: still got cancer. Good news: not as much.
This is one Trip Report where no one will be asking for current photos, I am sure. Here are some comparative scans from the past number of months:
A side view comparison:
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nature
climber
Tuscon Again! India! India! Hawaii! LA?!?!
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Dec 24, 2010 - 12:01am PT
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smaller is good.
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Dec 24, 2010 - 05:38pm PT
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OMG I don't do well with trying to figure out scans and ultra sounds and stuff like that...When the docs point out something like "this is your liver" I go "uh?, that gray shadow?" But I can actually see the the incredible difference in your scans. I've always wondered where it goes too...like we absorb it then pee and poop it out? Well anyway, it really looks like the pill is working on the tumors, now how to tame the side effects so you get survivorship with a reasonable quality of life!
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Dec 25, 2010 - 11:01am PT
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I can actually see the the incredible difference in your scans. I've always wondered where it goes too...like we absorb it then pee and poop it out? Well anyway, it really looks like the pill is working on the tumors, now how to tame the side effects so you get survivorship with a reasonable quality of life!
It does seem to be shrinking, so for that I am grateful. But the feet, skin, mood side effects are not that great of a trade off. I just hope my feet will allow themselves to be stuffed into little shoes. I hope I remember to re-aply sunblock so I won't blister in the Sun.
Details, details.
I just have to remember that , right now , at least , I don't look like this inside:When the future seems so un-nerving, it seems ignorance is inded bliss.
I put up a route years ago called "The Curse of Conciousness". Sometimes it feels that my route names turned out to be prophetic. "The Grounded Visionary", "My Up and Down Life."
Got to get my hands on my new D5 Hammer so I can go put up my next routes: " Out, Damn Spot!" and "Infinite Ascention".
They will be classics. I already know where they are...
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nature
climber
Tuscon Again! India! India! Hawaii! LA?!?!
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Dec 25, 2010 - 12:16pm PT
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Stay Strong Brother....
Merry Christmas to you and Ruth!
much love,
doug & tina
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Dec 30, 2010 - 12:02pm PT
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Happy almost new year.
Ruth and I are in Joshua Tree. The weather is windy and cold now, but I managed to haul myself up a few routes before the weather changed.
Perhaps we will get to do some more before going home in a couple days.
The damn side effects are starting to flare again. My feet are a mess. But on we go.....
Paul
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Dec 30, 2010 - 10:09pm PT
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Thinking of you Paul...glad you got down to JT and even some climbing! Wowsa! Michael and I got up to the mtns for a few days. It was beautiful. He got some skiing in, I enjoyed the scenery and mtn. air. My third chemo is New Year's Eve day. Hope you get those side effects tamed. They sound gruesome. Happy New Year to you and Ruth! Susan
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rock*
Boulder climber
???
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Happy new year Paul! It was great to see you guys out in the desert. We missed you on new years eve, hopefully you found an even better party.
Ben & Kate
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tamberly
Trad climber
san diego
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Paul...I remember your beautiful smile from an earlier post....god bless and my thoughts and prayers are with you...do some climbing and kick ass
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Jan 5, 2011 - 08:38pm PT
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Hi, all..
I have been trying to write a trip report about the trip to Joshua tree. But it is coming off as sort of a bummer. Probably not something people want to read.
As a writter (NOt a speller) I want a point to the chapter, the story, the poem...whatever. Not sure if this has that yet.
I am back in Santa Rosa minus one tooth, some cash, and with new swelling and pain in my groin. Still sorting it all out.
Stay tuned...
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Ouch...that doesn't sound so good...I hope things turn around soon! Susan
And boy o boy a writer you are!
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ncrockclimber
climber
NC
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Hang in there! Although we have never met, you are in my thoughts.
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labrat
Trad climber
Nevada City, CA
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Good thoughts going your way!
Erik
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Jan 7, 2011 - 03:59pm PT
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Hi, Paul here...Attempting to Master on. Feel like more of a Disaster, though.
SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz Dec 30, 2010 - 07:09pm PT
Thinking of you Paul...glad you got down to JT and even some climbing! Wowsa! Susan, you are a light to me as well. Climbers Rise Above Cancer. Now if I can just wrap my mind around the reality of today...
rock*
Boulder climber
??? Jan 4, 2011 - 07:42pm PT
Happy new year Paul! It was great to see you guys out in the desert. We missed you on new years eve, hopefully you found an even better party.
Ben & Kate Ben and Kate,
You guys rock! thanks for camp. Ruth and I left for the dentist and other fun stuff. Sorry we missed the new years with you all.
tamberly
Trad climber
san diego Jan 4, 2011 - 09:31pm PT
Paul...I remember your beautiful smile from an earlier post....
Everyone is so kind on this thread. I hope to post more as soon as I can.
ncrockclimber, labrat, thanks for your thoughts.
C-Ya,
Paul
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Jobee
Social climber
El Portal Ca.
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Hey Paul,
I love your profile image; YOGA DUDE! Super inspirational for me.
You look cool!
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Jan 8, 2011 - 01:02am PT
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I posted the following as a trip report as well, if you are wondering.
How long will it take
'till our smiles
are permanent?
Will laugh lines ever
outweigh wrinkled brows?
I want to lounge,
like a lizard
on a rock in the Sun;
Be alive.
Have fun.
Be free.
Be me....
I want the warm light
to fill me up,
and have a soft breeze
blow in my ear
like a lover.
But my moods come
like the tides;
high and low.
And tears
turned to salt-spray
lie mingled
in my eyes...
How long will it take
until our smiles
are permanent?
DAY 1:
We roll into the cold beauty of Joshua Tree National park wrapped in parkas and beanies. Destination winter climbing indeed. Clouds and wind lend a bite to the experience of Diamond Dogs in the Hall of Horrors. It is Seth's first JT lead, and a fine one. After a lap to clean it up, I pause as he and Tom bag another granite bump as the gray light fades to an even darker shade of evening...
Off to camp.
It is cold. The wind snaps and buffers my tiny tent, pitched in haste as the shadows gathered. It is a welcome respite from the gale. Joshua Tree in late December is often cold or windy or both. But this time the wind holds a bite more bitter than I remember. It feels malicious and purposeful, as if it wants to blow out my hope. All I needed was a break from my bullsh#t.
This beautifully barren land, studded with lumps and bumps of Monzonite, had been my refuge and escape in the past. It is a place where I can rack up and play the hard-man, or leave it all behind and wander into the desert with my thoughts. I often wrestled with my mind here as much as the stone, wandering alone into the Wonderland to see what I could find out about Me.
Seven years ago I got word that I had cancer. This is where I fled then to process and plan. That fight was through, I thought... Not. Cancer returned this year and ever since I longed to return here. Don't know why. It just seems the thing to do.
I have left a lot behind in these washes. I've laughed and cried tears into the sand. Somehow the stones listened better than most people. They whisper their advice to me in the wind. 'Buck up, camper. You can stand the gale. We have sat here near forever. The Sun comes back, the yuccas bloom, then 'round it goes again.'
Why, then, is the wind overcoming me now? In the past here I just laughed it off. “Fine, Mr. Bluster, Let's play hide and seek. Chase me if you must, I will hide in the folds of the earth, up against the golden stone, in pockets of warmth that thwart you. Go ahead and blow til you blow yourself out. I am fine.”
Today, though, the wind seems not a companion but a creep. A blowing , blustery bully. “F*#k off, go away,” it screams. 'You are fooling yourself. Give in. Give up. Go away.'
No. I will stay. At least for a little while. But, damn, this is an arctic blast.
DAY 2:
The wind is still blowing, but the Sun is overhead, so there are possibilities. We are camped at the group site, Sheep Pass; an assortment of abilities... and injuries. There are some healthy folks, but not all. One friend shows up from CO on crutches. A two story fall while roofing broke his foot, but he still came. Another guy superman-ed over is bars when he hit a tree on the trails. Ouch! And Me? I have Stage IV Melanoma. What a crew.
What to climb?
In the past I would have a plan, an agenda, goals upon goals for the day ahead. Now filling with Cancer, I feel half-dead. 'What to climb, where to climb, can I climb? Screw it.' I give in to the impulses of the group. They are far more likely to lead than me today. “What's the Plan?”
Houser Buttress. Off we trek around the corner, up the blocks and into a pocket of windless sunny stone. Five layers are quickly shed to one and the possibility enters my mind that I might even have some fun. “Who's up? I'll belay.” I offer up my rope and rack. At least my rack will be on the sharp end. Like many native cultures, I believe my gear must be used. It's what it wants, it's purpose. So go forth, my happy Camalots, and stoppers. Let yourselves be wedged smiling into the gaps. I will gather you back up as I follow.
Tom is an indecisive Master, often doubting himself, then performing like a pro. I am never worried that he will fail. I relax and allow myself to be led, instead of leading. BITD the sharp end was the only end for me. To follow was second best, if that. I always wanted to attack. Where did that drive go? Even more pressing, where did the Sunblock go?
“That's me.”
No time to slather on the SPF now. The rope is tugging with an insistence that suggests the summit is windier than the base, and Tom is ready.
“Climbing.” (I hope.)
One hand, one foot above the other is all I need to do. Crimp with the right, Jam the left. Match, shuffle up and repeat. My tape gloves re reused, I made them on my trip to Indian Creek. And the remnants of red sand in the glue contrast nicely with the large granite grains I jam against. The feet are thin from place to place and I scream as I kick out into a stem to use an edge. Something ripped inside, in my groin. 'F*#k you, tumor. I will rip you apart.'
My scream startles the group, thinking a fall is surely next, and the rope tightens as Tom reacts above. But is is only pain, not incompetence. I reach the top. Windier here. “Hi, Tom.”
Unsure of the walk off or rappel choices to be had, we wander down dangerous slots to the base. Getting down is often more adventurous than climbing up here. Water still fills the sculpted potholes in the stone. The wind creates a storm in miniature, a tempest in a teapot, as they say. And so went the day. Not bad.
That evening the group makes an attempt at a windy campfire. My body fat was devoured by disease months go. And the cold buries itself into my bones. Good thing Ruth is on the way, our Alaskan Camper on her truck, ready to whisk me inside when she arrives to Mr. Heater comfort.
But she's late. In my tiny tent I try to sleep, but wake at the sound of each wandering engine searching for a place in the night.
'Not her...not her... not... Screw this.' I move camp to the cab of Tom's truck where I can see who's coming. After midnight she arrives, and I fall into her arms and into the camper.
DAY 3:
I am dried out, turned to jerky, a husk. Despite my best efforts to slather against the Sun, and the pills it has left me burnt, bloated and peeling. At least the wind is down and the Sun is out again. But whence the warmth? It seems an empty light, devoid of the heat promised by memory. 'Is it only me who feels this?'
With Ruth arrives a new nonsensical source of nervousness. My mind wants to show her the magic of this place, to whisk her into the world I remember of grainy grips and biting jams. I want to show her summits and skills and teach her new things.
My carcass will not comply. It drags its feet and gasps for air far too soon with the effort. It aches and cries and shocks and generally pisses me off. My mind remembers leaping stone to stone. Yet my Form can't keep up with my former self.
The fact confronts me head on. Instead of turning to a new direction I allow it to hit me and shove me down. And in doing so I solve nothing. Something's got to give...
We do our best, Ruth and I, playing on a 5.9 on the Freeway wall. But I am spent and she is nervous of that fact. “How bout just scrambling?”
My feet feel pierced with nails, a side-effect from treatment. Can't just sit anymore, though. “Fine.” We drop all the aluminum ballast and simply walk...
I lose myself in my mind:
I am a phantom, a visible vapor...
and lately, desire escapes me.
It lurks, to be sure.
Yet remains in the peripheral.
In climbing, the top, the completed act, is the one common desire.
Joy in the perfection of the pre-prescribed sequence.
Lately, such a quest escapes me.
Is this a loss, or rather a simple reckoning?
A regression or a moving on, beyond...
In climbing, the goal is distinct,
known at least in the envisioning as a line,
a series of points...
Why, then, has my mind become a field of view?
Lately, I find it hard to concentrate,
focus... on points... on lines.
The canvas it too broad, expansive.
So I pause.
Lately, my arms seem light
only when I give up guiding them.
My mind is lost in the pattern, and
knows only that it does not know...
“Gees, get a grip, Paul!”
Time to worm my way into the boulder piles in search of sanity.
Deep in a hole I find the large shed skin of a desert serpent, and I am filled with a strange jealousy. Why can't I shed my skin? After all, it is trying to kill me. My only way to slough is to burn, and that burn is why my skin is rebelling in the first place... Ironic.
Where do I turn when all directions face oblivion? How do I smile at a black hole? It will simply rip the lips and teeth from my grin, never to be seen again. Where do I reach into to find my audacious bravado, my "F*#k you", abyss mocking mindset...
What will allow my to laugh even as I burn?
It’s in me, whatever it is, that ability to snub the world and feel better for it. But also in me is the disturbing ability to collapse, retreat, cocoon, and let the precious one way stream of time nearly drown me. What' up with that?!
“Paul?!” I hear Ruth's voice calling out to find me, and slither up out ofthe shadows. There she is, her face a map of love and concern and exhaustion at it all.
'But she is here. Remember that.' I only hope I learn the skills of leaving the angst and letting love exit my mouth instead of this whining and pining for an alternate reality. 'Live the one your in, dumbass!'
DAY 4:
As if in response to my escilating angst, the wind speed increases in the night and stays pinned there. To up the anty even more it brings rain. “At least we're not that poor guy,” points out Ruth. She gestures out the window ofthe camper to a soogy soul stirring breakfast in the storm. The rain is blown near horiziontal againt the down jacket clad cook. Out our other window the lights burn to the sound of a generator at the group site of Evolv. Ruth guesses we are somewhere in the midde of the comfort spectrum.
If I wanted to sit in an RV, though, I would have stayed home. We live in one. I'ts the outside just outside the inside we are in that confounds me this morning. The final straw is a growing, swelling sore in my mouth. A bad tooth has finally broken in pieces. Infection may be setting in. Looks like its time to visit family in town.
My Dad and Marilyn, his wife found a place in Yucca Valley last year, only minues from the Park. This was a fine way to get me to visit at last, but only after exhusing myself climbing... Or when it rained. Dad's a minister, so maybe he called it in. Reguardles, Ruth and I were washed out of the Park and into a senior community below.
It's good to see the folks, but hard for them to see my mood. I am a grouch despite my best intentions. It's not all bad, though, and soon stories are flowing to enrich Ruth's understanding of me, many to my embarasment. The offer of a warm bed is more inviting than I thought it would be. I guess I forgot to pack my resolve this trip. The idea of either freezing in solidarity around the fire in camp, or retreating anti-socially to the warmth ofthe camper seem equally lame. Instead we choose Fox News and Jeopardy with Dad and Marilyn. Ah, the life of adventure!
Day 5
I have been up all night. Not a wink of sleep. My gums continue to swell. My tooth is toast. Worst of all thre is new pain and swelling in my groin. A persistent ache and throb. But we have only a day or two more to try and climb. I am lost too deep in my brain-molasses.
Let's review the facts:
-I am with the love of my Life.
-I am in (or damn near) J-Tree, a favoite place.
-I am with my Father and Step-Mom who love me.
-I am freaking out...WTF!
Plan not working. Implosion continuing. Nonscence breeding nonscence. What's the deal? What will it take to heal?
I feel at war with my brainstem, my carcass, that part of me made of dirt. My “Me” mind is indifferent, and could likely cope. But my “Body” mind knows it ends with my hartbeat, and that is not acceptible to it. “Body” wants “Me” mind to figure it out, to get a plan, get a clue, get going!
“Me” mind has no answers for “Body” mind's suffering, though. “Me” mind can survive and thrive only by loking beyond “Body” mind. But “Body” wont have that. So it shoves itsway into the rest of “Me” like a suicide bomber or a jilted lover. “If not me, no one then. Oblivian. That's the only out.”
Such Bullshit! F*#k off and die, corpse. Stop clawing at my contentment. Quit screaming at “Me” that I am only You. Leave “Me” be, don't kill it all out of spite at “Body's” reality. Don't drag “Me” down with my corpse...
Time to get out while we can. Ruth and I head for Indian Cove, a lower and less (legend has it) windy part of the park. The wind has slackened, but it is still there, lurking on the summits for underclad leaders. Sunny again. Yet shouldn't that mean warm?
We run across Tom and Seth battling it out on a 5.10 sandbag. I try and set a TR, but Ruth's knee is flaring up and she is taking her turn at pouting. I give up. Game over, dude. We've got too much on our plate.
DAY 6:
New years eve. It's emergency dental surgery for me. Horray! This is exactly how I wanted to spend the last sunny day of vacation. Dad drives me off to Palm Desert to get the now multiple shards of my moler out.
Back at Dad's the hole throbs, and I wonder what the point of this joke is. The thought of shivering with the drunken masss in the Park held no appeal, and we were all asleep soon after the New Year reached Times Square.
DAY 7:
Time to head North again. Ruth has a teaching gig for a couple days in Napa, then Santa Rosa again. The tumors seem to be returning, quite suddenly, and with them memories of pain best forgotten. I think that is the root of all this angst.
I must have felt this coming change for the worse. My nightmares and sweats were sirens. Only months ago I lay near death, my right leg twice the size of the left, my groin and testicles inflamed. My bowels had collapsed and pancreas had swelled. I could not walk more than 10 steps without a ghasp.
Then I got better. I swallowed the magic pills that gave me not the cure I wanted, but a reprieve. Now they seem to be loosing their effetivness. And I remember the horror that was and likey comes again. I do not want it. It feels worse for having been there before. I stare down a tunnell of future pain.
What will be my tool to see me through?
I need to remember Supercrack in Indian Creek, and my determination. I top-roped my way to the chains even though riddled with this disease. It was the hardest effort of my life, at one of my weakest states, and I am proud of it.
I need to remember the day Ruth and I tried to climb Wamello Dome but diddn't. I was hiking back up the steep climber's trail at the end of the day. The pain in my right leg sucked, I was on a cane. “I'm f*#king crippled” I thought. Then “No I'm Not!”
When I mountaineered, I used the rest step up high. Step, rest, take a break then move again. It was hard to breath then too. I used my ice ax to help me through.
What is the difference between that and today? I hold my cane instead of an ax? I'm still on a steep slope with a short stick in my hand determined to make it to the top. Who gives a sh#t if the top is a hill or a high peak? I am at my max, roling with it. One rest step at a time until I am done.
One rest step at a time until I am done...
One rest step at a time until I am done...
The way that can be told is not the way...
Guess I just have to experience it...
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Jan
Mountain climber
Okinawa, Japan
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Thank you Paul.
That was so beautiful and so hard to read at the same time.
The Supertopo family continues with you on your journey.
You are not alone though many who share this journey will not say anything
because they do not know what to say in the face of so much suffering and
our own sense of helplessness.
You help us to understand more each day, what it is to be human.
We could not choose a better representative than you.
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Jan 8, 2011 - 06:31pm PT
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I just got my new wall hammer in the mail. It was a gift/ loan and I am psyched! http://www.supertopo.com/climbing/thread.php?topic_id=1326037&tn=540
Is this the karmic hint / hit I needed? What am I supposed to do with this thing? Feel like I just got a new sword. Need a project now, a new route.
HHMMMMMMMmmmmm......
Maybe here...
Or this...
Or here...
What should I call it???
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Lucas
Trad climber
Goleta, CA
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Dear Paul,
We've never met but I've been following your story and I'd like to wish you all the best.
Sincerely,
Lukasz.
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Vosser
Trad climber
reno, NV
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HI, Paul
I am working on a new rout and when it is finished I am nameing it Disaster master. Hang in there.
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Hummerchine
Trad climber
East Wenatchee, WA
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Disaster Master...
That name alone shows what an incredibly awesome attitude you have! (GREAT name, btw...) I've been reading all your posts, you sound super cool. I just wanted you to know that, even though we have never met, I am thinking about you and wishing you the very best. I have learned through some difficult times of my own that nobody goes through life without having some gnarly things happen to them. I used to feel awkward when around someone going through something difficult (to say the least) like you have had to endure. But I know now, from my own personal experience (a legal nightmare, which truly was a nightmare, but obviously your situation destroys my own) that the best thing you can do when someone is going through something really awful is to tell them that you care rather than ignore it. I feel really bad for you, but I am also massively impressed with everything about you...and your attitude completely rocks! I have this gut instinct that everything will work out for you...but of course, I could be wrong and none of us lives forever. I know you will continue to savor every moment you have, there are silver linings to things even like this. I prayed a lot during my nightmare, and have just said a prayer for you...even though I guess you would have to call me an agnostic, at times this just seems to help and I pray it helps you!
Best wishes, man...I wish I knew you!
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silentone
Mountain climber
wisconsin
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Paul,
I had a malignent melanoma removed about 10 years ago and have recently noticed some odd looking moles. You have inspired me to get them looked at this week. Sometimes I don't want to know what might be wrong with me I'm stuborn and prideful but I want to live. I have so much left to do.
I want you to live to and I am wishing you and Ruth the all the best.
I also didn't think your trip report sounded like whining, it sounds like someone toughing it out and managing to live on in the best way he can.
Thanks Paul you inspire me and your writing is terrific.
S.O.
another Paul
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Captain...or Skully
climber
leading the away team, but not in a red shirt!
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Right on, Paul. You damn sure inspire.
Thank you for that. Lucky 13 rolls on, eh? Wishin' all the best, man.
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steveA
Trad climber
bedford,massachusetts
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Paul,
You are an inspiration to all of us. You sure are a fighter! All the best. Steve
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Jan 9, 2011 - 10:31pm PT
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Wierd day. I did not sleep well last night. All day a persistent fatigue has consumed me. I am on edge from new pain and growths I feel in my neck and groin.
So I made chocolate chip cookies to cope. And breakfast, bucher bacon and eggs, organic blueberry pancakes, coffe and OJ. Then this afternoon, just as I started pasta and meat sauce, the phone rang.
Actually, Ruth's phone rang. She had just left for the store, and left her cell.
It kept ringing, then my phone too. "What the hell?" It was our boss at the yoga studio. THe web schedule said Ruth was off. But the board at work said she was on. The owner was in San Fran and could not make it. Everyone else was not answering. "Crap!"
I tried to start the Harley, my only availible ride. No go. I run back inside and stir the pasta. Maybe the bike flooded.
I run out and try again. It fires. But the choke is broke. I wedge a pebble in to hold it open and run back to the stove. As I stir I call the boss.
"You find anyone?"
"NO, Damn, what now?"
"I'll go start the class and leave a note for Ruth."
"Really?"
"Well, f*#k, someone has to get there." I hung up and tested the pasta. Two more minutes. THe gloves were in the truck and I forgot my warm jacket as I puled on my leathers, Drained the pasta and stirred it into the sauce. "Good enough."
Helmet, glasses, out to the bike.I flick the stone out of the choke and blast off coughing. THe cold engine makes me cringe. 'yah, boy!" On the freeway and up past the limit. It feels good to do something silly and dangerous again. It is cold!
I roar in front of the studio and rush in in a shiver. Suprise greets me. "Let's do this thing!" I shout as my helmet comes off. I grab a towell, the mike and some water. Off to the room.
It is full. Good grief. 39 people! I strip right there out of my leathers down to the shorts I had put on at home to save time. "You get the full Humphrey tonight, I guess." I launch into an impromto act, yoga, stand-up, corrections and philosophy spew from my mouth for 90 minutes in the 100+ degree room. 'It's Showtime!'
I end with a gasp. Ruth arived but I had continued. Talk about jumping into the pool. I have not taught for months and was afraid I could not. I forgot a few things. Just laughed it off and went on.
I am tired!
Ruth is still there. She is coaching for the demonstration / comp in Stockton next week.
Whew!
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Jan 10, 2011 - 02:04pm PT
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Oh, God. I might have over done it. Again.
Woke up early and have been hurlin' the morning away. Yeach!
Found an old poem in an old file while wastin' time. I wrote it while hiking on the Pacific Crest Trail.
My every movement is a prayer.
My every breath an expression of joy.
These creaking bones,
curses & moans
are shouts of glory.
My every effort is a drive to praise.
My sweat through travail is Holy made.
Oh, wonderful marvelous effort
which sustains as it drains
every ounce and hint of worries away,
scattering them into the wholesome wind.
This same breeze embraces me,
cradling my kenetic worship
& I breath & move effortlessly;
for neither I,
nor the universe,
nor the devine is static.
We are movement, all of us.
We ebb & flow.
My every movement is a prayer.
-Paul David Humphrey
What did I climb today?
Back into bed!
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Jan 12, 2011 - 07:43pm PT
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I got side tracked by starting another thread the other day. http://www.supertopo.com/climbers-forum/1375736/AAAAAARRRRRRRGGHHHHHHH Bringing it back home now.
We just got back from UCSF Mt. Zion. It was time to start round 4 of the RO5185426, the pill formerly known as PLX4032.
The Doc and the study advisor both came in to see me. They looked happy. The latest scan from a couple weeks ago were in. They showed a 50 percent decrease in size of the tumors over all. What they did not know yet was that since then the main mass in my groin had grown. Another active tumor in my neck seemed larger too. I told them.
Their faces dropped. I felt like a fart hanging in the room. I explained how I had an infection and a tooth pulled on New Year's Eve and my Doc in Santa Rosa gave me antibiotics. They did not seem to help the pain.
After an exam we talked ideas. The tumor in my groin was bigger than the scan. My disease was progressing again, but maybe not to the level yet that I HAD to get of the trial. But the Doc's oppinion was that the drug has stopped working for me and the illness will likely continue. I asked to stay on the drug another week at least while I weigh my options.
One is interlukin 2, a hardcore in the ICU for 5 days therapy with bad side effects. Another is an experimental trial that includes CHEMO. I had chemo. I hate chemo. Other than that, localy, there is not much else. Lots of things "on the horizon", just not in reach for me, yet.
So...Good thing I took this pill. It shrunk the cancer and gave me back a lot of strength. Damn that pill for quiting on me.
I am healthy enough to start new treatments. But those treatments will sicken me in the short term at least.
None of the options carry better odds than 15 percent. At least it's not zero.
I could just accept my time is near. Perhaps the point of getting ill is it is time to die. Hope not...
I am left on edge, run out, pumped and out of gear. Oh, dear.
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Jan 13, 2011 - 12:17pm PT
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Here is the real reason I keep posting here:
bmacd
Trad climber
Grade V, Level III certified Kook 100% Canadian Sep 22, 2010 - 03:45pm PT
Paul, go easy on yourself man. I'm making an appointment to get a few things checked out because of your thread.
Nature wrote: I don't have any moles that I'm aware of. but dam.... I might look again,
silentone
Mountain climber
wisconsin Jan 9, 2011 - 04:46am PT
Paul,
I had a malignent melanoma removed about 10 years ago and have recently noticed some odd looking moles. You have inspired me to get them looked at this week. Sometimes I don't want to know what might be wrong with me I'm stuborn and prideful but I want to live. I have so much left to do.
rincon
Trad climber
SoCal Aug 11, 2010 - 09:11am PT
Hey Paul,
I've had skin cancer too, though I am very lucky that it hasn't come back. They used some kind of hot scraper tool to scrape off the skin, now there's just a small white scar there. Had other cancer too...NHL has been f*#king with me since '03, been through the chemo and like you, I still climbed. Currently, I have my fingers crossed, hoping the monster inside me, doen't rear it's ugly head again.
zeta
Trad climber
Berkeley Aug 11, 2010 - 09:22am PT
Paul,
thanks for the reminder, especially as we all spend so much time outside. I used to be way too casual about sunblock, but now--after two basil cell carcinomas--I am super careful!
SteveW
Trad climber
The state of confusion Aug 11, 2010 - 11:56am PT
Paul
I've lost a number of friends to melanoma.
I certainly hope you beat the odds.
I'm smarting today, just had a couple of biopsies done on
my lower lip that may be cancerous.
Mungeclimber
Trad climber
sorry, just posting out loud. Aug 19, 2010 - 11:14pm PT
Paul,
Thx for the post. I have a mole I've had since a kid on my leg about short length too. Worthwhile to check it out.
Seamstress
Trad climber
Yacolt, WA Aug 23, 2010 - 05:09pm PT
Best wishes.
I had cancer removed from my hand and from my face just above the lip. These are places that I did not formerly slather with sunscreen. Somehow the arms always ended at my wrists. It's time to go get checked again.
crøtch
climber Oct 5, 2010 - 10:12am PT
Hey Paul,
Your attitude is an inspiration. I got a mole removed today. Thanks for the motivation to go to the dermatologist.
Blackbird wrote:I am one of the truly lucky ones: both of mine (uterine & ovarian) were caught WAY early. I shunned "new" meds (chemo/radiation) in lieu of alternative therapies and lifestyle changes. It's amazing…
PLEASE, folks, if you're not already so, become acutely aware of your own bodies and what they are trying to tell you. Subtle changes in skin tone, moles, hair texture and even your smell can indicate some serious health issues. And to repeat the message: when in doubt, check it out!!!
dougs510 said: I sit around here, feeling sorry for myself, with moles and sh$t popping up all over me. I say to myself, "I don't want to know, besides, I got no insurance". Truth is, I'm scared of knowing. Sheeeewwwwww..... Man, I'm so glad your posting up here, it's really giving me a reason to push forward
Jan
Mountain climber
Okinawa, Japan Nov 25, 2010 - 07:03am PT
Happy Thanksgiving to you too! You have certainly reminded us of what's important in life and what we need to be thankful for
sallyclimbs
Sport climber
new zealand Dec 21, 2010 - 06:20pm PT
I live half a world away, but reading this, and having a friend find a mole she had removed for vanity reasons was malignent ,in the same week had me down the doctors for a check up. Got a mole removed yesterday. I'll be telling my friends to get a check up too. Thanks for the reminder to keep an eye on things
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Dick Erb
climber
June Lake, CA
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Jan 13, 2011 - 01:13pm PT
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Thanks Paul, for producing the most helpful stimulating and interesting thread I have seen on this forum. It is so inspiring to see the true energy of creation flowing through you at this time.
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Gal
Trad climber
a semi lucid consciousness
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Jan 13, 2011 - 01:48pm PT
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I am in the same late jumping aboard boat as Jeff, and in total agreement with Dick Erb, and admire everyone on this thread, it has touched my heart, but especially you. I wrote this last night... don't know why I hesitated, I suppose because I'm a self conscious writer, but here it is:
Paul, you don't know me, but today I read your JTree trip report. I was going to post something, but then I thought maybe what I would write would be trite, cliche, or not properly express what I would want. But then I read this whole other thread of yours, describing everything you've been experiencing, and realized that even if I can't explain what is in my heart, it might come across, even if a bit blurry. This is what I wrote about your J-Tree trip report, and this thread that I have now read from beginning to end. I cried, I soared, and I am still hoping strongly for you! The pills should keep working, they were working and shrinking tumors and I hope they will work again as you take them for another week.
Here is why I find you inspiring-the bravery to go through this in a public way, and to be completely honest about your situation. I have learned a lot about endurance, tenacity, and human nature based on the interactions from this thread. I have also learned a lot about what going through cancer can be like. You have a creative soul in your writings and the way you are expressing yourself, and getting comfort from a wonderful support system. I have learned the thought process and emotional roller coaster that is involved when you are facing such a harsh situation. I have learned to try to be preemptive if my body tries to tell me something, or show me something. You are being REAL, and that I always highly respect. A lot of times people waste a lot of time posturing about things that don't matter at all-you face it down full force! Your J-Tree trip report was meaningful in the way it weaves the love of climbing into the bigger picture of life and it's hardships. It shows that while people are connected here at ST based on climbing, they are connected at a deeper human compassion level-I'm proud to see it, when we often don't in life (NEVER expected something deep could come from an online climbing forum-never say never, obviously). I'm feeling the love everyone is directing your way, it's a wonderful thing. I'm glad you went on your trip to a place you clearly love, JTree.
I hope that during your week back on the pills, you will be envisioning shrinking again the cancer so you can continue taking the medicine and kick that cancers ass!!! Thanks for your openness-I feel like I have a window into who you are as a person-you are awesome! Ruth is an angel. So glad you two have each other to lean on. Sending good & healing thoughts your way. Keep fighting! You are strong and there is hope! As long as you're alive, there is HOPE!
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okaythatsme
climber
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Jan 13, 2011 - 05:33pm PT
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Your unexpected teaching of the yoga class was wonderful. I am constantly reminded of what the body and spirit are capable beyond our own predictions. Energy is transported into the words you write and has helped others. I hope you may feel the strength, love and energy of those sending you encouraging words back. -marcella
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Jan 13, 2011 - 07:19pm PT
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thinking of you Paul. Susan
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Jan 13, 2011 - 07:36pm PT
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Good to hear from all in cyber-land. My nerves are shot at the moment. But I always get to the other side. Worn out now, but I will be OK in the end.
I just feel on edge constantly, like I am posessed by a demon chiuaua. Ggggrrrrrrr. :)
Off to try and rest for a while. Update y'all later.
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Jan 14, 2011 - 12:57am PT
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Don't be afraid of a bone marrow transplant if it presents itself
Could you explain?
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John_Box
Ice climber
Bellingham
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Jan 14, 2011 - 02:07am PT
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Demon Chihuahua my ass that's a Chupacabra if I have ever seen one. I've followed this thread for a long time, and have learned a hell of a lot more from this than anything else on the forum. Thank you everyone that has shared to make this what it is.
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Jan 17, 2011 - 07:17am PT
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Paul here.
Man, emotions are a trip. Sometimes dispite my best efforts it is still hard to deal...
So friday I got up and called the doc. She said she could see me soon. Ruth had the truck, though and would not be back in time. So I hopped on the Harley and motored toward the doc. I forgot to check the fuel, it was on reserve. I ran out of gas 1/4 mile from a gas station. I am already upset and that did not help. After pushing the HOG and gassng up, off to the doc.
Nerves shot. Can't get through the jitters to the point I need to in order to deal and make good decisions. So I got some temporary fix anti-axiety meds, Don't like solving problems with pills. But sometimes you need to use different tools.
The tumor in my groin is bigger and more painful. I have an apoint. in UCSF middle of this week. What is next???? Anything???
On the fun front, I went along with Ruth and a group from our yoga studio to the "USA YOGA Northern CA Regional Yoga Asana Championship in Stockton, CA." It's a exebition / comp where participants demonstrate 4 standard yoga postures and two "Freestle" postures of their own choosing. Sounds odd, but the point is to see a lot of people in certain postures to learn and be inspired by them.
Ruth coached the three entries from our studio, Ian, Barb and Craig. Ian won second place and will go to "Nationals" in LA in a month. Ruth is psyched.
Other than that, it is all about choices as to what to do next cancer wise...
Mastering on,
Paul
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Jan 17, 2011 - 10:09am PT
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Forgot...
I saw Naveena Bird at the Yoga thing. She is the Instructor who taught me my first yoga class. I was broke and broken and did not think I could afford it. She asked me if I could scrape together $100.
I said if I tried real hard, yes.
Naveena told me " Give me $100 and I will give you 100 classes. The catch is you have to come every day. If you miss a day I keep your money and you start all over again at a higher price."
"Uh,....OK."
Here is an excerpt from a story that includes her:http://www.supertopo.com/tr/My-Up-And-Down-Life-Disaster-Master/t10807n.html
Friends told me about this crazy place where they did yoga for over a hour in a room heated to over 100 degrees. They called it 'Bikram Hot Yoga'. I thought they were nuts. They thought I was if I didn't give it a try. So one morning I walked into "Sacred Palace," a tiny storefront in downtown Eureka, CA. My face was a mess. I shook from nerve pain. I had electrodes & cords hanging from my back to shock spasming muscles into submission. I was taking eight morpine pills a day & wore a large three-day fentinyl patch. That's a lot of opiates.
The instructor gave me a towel & mat to use. There were around seven others in the hot room chitchatting and stretching. Then class began. Wow, it was difficult. I couldn't keep my balance, my mind was swimming in heated up opiates & I was sweating like I'd never sweat before. This stuff was crazy; far removed from my image of yoga. You know, sitting around trying to be calm. That Bikram guy must be intense. I left with the same buzz I got from climbing.
"Fun.”
That evening it dawned on me that I felt a little better than usual. I wanted more yoga. But I couldn't even balance on one leg with the amount of pills I took. I was at a fork in my mental road. I could not take both paths. So I cut my pill doses in half & made hot yoga my number one priority.
Boredom breeds despair in me & when I despair I wish only to be numb. Now I decided to embrace the pain. I set a goal to get off painkillers by my 100th yoga session. I treated it as my job. I would go every day, rain or shine, arriving by bus, car, thumb or bike. Less than 30 days later I threw my painkillers away. I still lived with constant cramping, but I was exploring it now, not cowering from it. And I had my brain back.
It soon got to the point where I could feel a definite improvement after a morning session. Pain was still always with me & cramps would be back by afternoon. Instead of giving in & popping a pill I began doubling up on daily sessions, sweating in the morning & the evening, three hours a day. I did my 100 sessions in around 75 days. A little obsessive? Sure, but it was working. I realized that I could rise to the level I sought before my tribulations. I would just have to be twice or even four times as strong as before to get there.
Everyday I did my yoga. Little by little I felt my body strengthen. Bit by bit my mind stabilized. I began to make peace with my pain. The trick with anything is doing it, practicing it; not just talking or planning. Armchair climbers read books & mags, then evaluate others' achievments. Practicing climbers accomplish goals; then push their mark forward.
I went from this:
to this:
NOW IF I CAN JUST FINISH KICKING MELANOMA'S ASS, I CAN GET BACK TO IT.
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Jan 17, 2011 - 01:16pm PT
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Thanks Paul for the update...looks like it was enjoyable. Before I got sick I did Bikram Yoga at least twice a week. I loved it. I don't think I could tolerate it at the moment. I am going to gentle yoga and restorative/healing yoga classes at the moment. I was blown away by some of your previous pictures doing some Bikram postures even during your current treatment. I think it was the cobra posture and how high up you had your legs/tail. Even at my strongest it seemed like my cobra legs/tail was only inches off the ground! Thoughts with you this week as you visit your doctor. And props to Ruth for her coaching! Susan
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Jan 18, 2011 - 03:14pm PT
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I am in a lot of pain. I took more drugs than ever for it today. Fell into a sleep. Dreamed and woke up. Wrote it down. Here it is.
Dark seas, swirling,
seem to cry
againt death's unfurling.
The surf is high
and I look down
half-drowned
yet defiant.
Tall trees, greening,
grow where I
dream of leaning;
seated way up nigh
in the crook
of the arm
of a Giant.
Large stones, warming
like eggs, lie
with swallows swarming;
nestled in the sky
near the apex
of slopes
velvet and verdant.
-Paul Humphrey
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Jan 18, 2011 - 06:00pm PT
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Again, no words can express what I felt when I read it. Rest as best you can. Susan
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Jan 18, 2011 - 10:08pm PT
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Glad you liked the poem, Susan. I thought it came out pretty well.
Remember, everyone, I like to hear from you. Don't be afraid to stop lurking and get an account so you can post back.
I know you're out there...
Climbers Rise Above Cancer: I am still trying to put together a logo t-shirt / card art idea. I found some clip art that would be a good start for a logo.
Here is a cartoon cancer. Thought of the climber climbing above the monster. Needs a face though.
Posted another cartoon at the start of the thread, here it is:
Off to the Doc tomorrow. They will likely kick me off the trial. The alien puppies are growing..
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donini
Trad climber
Ouray, Colorado
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Jan 18, 2011 - 10:14pm PT
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Paul, I'm in Coyhaique on my way home from Patagonia. I've been thinking about you and Ruth and what a pleasure it was to meet the two of you. You truly inspire me- hope to see you soon.
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blackbird
Trad climber
the flat water trails...
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Jan 18, 2011 - 10:54pm PT
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My thoughts and prayers are with you...
Samantha
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ncrockclimber
climber
NC
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Jan 18, 2011 - 10:54pm PT
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Thinking of you!
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Jan 18, 2011 - 10:56pm PT
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I have ignored calls and mails from many I should not. It has just been too hard to say the same thing each time to each person. Hence the supertopo blab.
Keep shouting out. I will give news from the doc tomorrow.
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stilltrying
Trad climber
washington indiana
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Jan 18, 2011 - 11:58pm PT
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Your insights are incredible Paul. I have carried on a battle with heart disease for 17 years and I will turn 59 in March. I am eligible to retire in May after 30 years of Goverment work (4 military, 26 civilian) Strange thing is that I know what "I" want. I have a pacemaker (100% dependent) a defibrillator, a stent and am in permanent a-fib. Somehow I can still Mountain bike, road bike and climb but I want to do it FULL TIME while I still can. You are a brave soul and I can tell you that you are more vibrant and alive than 90% of the young folks inhabiting the cubes where I work. You certainly make me see the REAL world and not the game of just existing. Hopefully I will follow your lead and walk out that door in 120 days. You are in my thoughts.
Mike T.
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Jan 19, 2011 - 03:15pm PT
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thinking of you for your Doctor's appointment today. Susan
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Jan 20, 2011 - 04:20pm PT
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News from the Doctors:
The pill still seems to have stopped working. I want a scan to call it. It needs to be a 20 percent overall increase in tumor mass since the last scan to kick me off the study.
The next logical step is an "MEK" trial. But there is not one in SF area. Ruth found one recruiting in LA. I e-mailed them and will call to follow up. That would mean some travel / re-location, who knows. Locally the only options, as of now, that I am considering include:
-Interlukin 2
-Targeted radiation to shrink the main mass in my groin
The radiation is an option because the pain is SO BAD now, and I have seen what it can do if it gets worse. But I don't want to irradiate my "junk" either!
Interlukin 2 has the best response of a non-experimental non-CHEMO therepy.
I really don't like any of this stuff. But I am past the alternative window. This sh#t is growing very fast and it hurts.
So still in the info / transition stage now...
Disastering on,
Paul
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Mighty Hiker
climber
Vancouver, B.C.
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Jan 20, 2011 - 08:25pm PT
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Paul, I haven't added to this thread previously, but not for lack of thinking about it. It's hard to know what to say or do, beyond saying best wishes and hope, for your health and for successful treatment. I'm not a praying sort, and can't pretend to be. I can't "send" you anything. All I can say is that your fortitude is something greatly to be admired, and I appreciate the trouble you take in posting your reports and photos. Good luck!
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Brian
climber
California
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Jan 20, 2011 - 09:09pm PT
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Sorry to hear the update Paul.
What the hell is the point of kicking people off the study if it's not working perfectly? Won't that skew the results to make it look like the drug works better than it does (i.e., if you boot all the people for whom the drug is not working 100%)?
If the new drug is helping, even if it is not shrinking the tumors and it is just slowing or delaying their growth, I hope you manage to stay on the study. If not, I hope that either the radiation or Interleukin can provide some relief. It's a tough hand to play, but you are doing a fine job of playing as well as you can. Good luck.
Brian
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Jan 20, 2011 - 10:51pm PT
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Hi Paul, I am so sorry to hear you are in pain. I hope your doctors are helping you with that. Also, I hope one of the other options will be the ticket to beat the cancer back. Hugs to Ruth, too. Susan
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blackbird
Trad climber
the flat water trails...
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Jan 20, 2011 - 10:57pm PT
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BIG HUGS to both of you... You are in my thoughts and prayers.
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pat
Trad climber
estes park
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Jan 20, 2011 - 11:01pm PT
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Paul, I don't know your whole history but what about ipillimulab(sp) or ipi? It is a drug that shows complete remission in some melanoma patients that can be offered as compassionate use (you don't have to go through a trial to get it). My apologies if you already know about this.
-Patrick
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Iclimb5.1
climber
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Jan 20, 2011 - 11:27pm PT
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Hi again Paul, Vicky here.
OK, here are the pics I promised...
Fun times!
I'm also going to post a couple of poems on the poem thread...one of which I'm not sure you got via email.
Love,
Vicky
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Jan 21, 2011 - 08:04am PT
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Jeff and Vickey,
Cool shots. Good memories. I surprised Jeff with the airline bottles at the summit. Huge view! That trip had it all: bears, wasps, a gun and summit.
what about ipillimulab(sp) or ipi?
Pat,
I have loked into it. It is a posssibility, but the sucess rates are about the same as Interlukin 2 and tha hs a proven track record. Basically, all options come with small odds, big side effects which make NONE of them apealing.
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pat
Trad climber
estes park
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Jan 21, 2011 - 01:06pm PT
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Paul,
The difference as I see it between ipi and interluken or chemo is that the response rate with ipi is slightly greater, and is much longer lasting.
"It is being tested in advanced (phase III) trials by itself and in combination with vaccines, other immunotherapies (such as interleukin-2), and chemotherapies (such as dacarbazine). Overall response rates range from 13% with ipilimumab plus vaccine in patients with stage IV disease to 17% and 22% with ipilimumab plus dacarbazine or interleukin-2, respectively, in patients with metastatic disease. Responses have been long-lasting, and among those experiencing more severe side effects, even higher response rates have been seen (up to 36%). These results indicate that more than one-third of ipilimumab-treated patients with advanced melanoma experience a long-term survival benefit, a rare success story in the treatment of this disease."
My mom is stage 3c right now, and after a lot of research on my part I think if she ever moves to stage 4 (I hope not) ipi seems like it would be the best option. Advanced stage 4 patients have seen a complete response with it. I think immune activating drugs might also be more potent in younger patients, but that is just a guess. I realize this is an extremely difficult decision so i'll step back, but you might want to take a closer look at it.
-Patrick
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Pastor Dave
Social climber
Yucca Valley, CA
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Jan 21, 2011 - 01:22pm PT
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To: Paul, Ruth, and all Paul's friends. Some people are rich with silver and gold and all other forms of "wealth" Paul is rich beyound measure with LOVE (i.e RUTH) and a host of true friends old and new. Thanks to all for your love and support!
Paul's Dad "AKA Pastor Dave"
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yllw2lip
climber
Orange, CA
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Jan 21, 2011 - 01:53pm PT
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I have been reading your posts and following you on Supertopo, just signed up so I can comment on your thread and show you my support and love.
You are an amazing and inspiring human being and I am proud to call you my brother. I and all my friends and my church continue to keep you in our prayers and pray for a miracle and your complete recovery. And of course, if no cure then at least a not so miserable exit from your journey in this life. I hate to think of you in constant pain, although I know you are... which is what makes you such an amazing and inspiring person, that you continue to do what you love and don't let your physical shell keep you down. You rock!! ;-)
XOXO your lil' sis
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Jan 22, 2011 - 12:57am PT
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Dear Paul's Family...Thank you so much for logging on and seeing the out pouring of love, compassion and concern for Paul. He has meant the world to me and so many others on this forum. I am currently in chemo for ovarian cancer and got to meet Paul in person in December. I have communicated with him and followed his Super Topo posts. I cannot express how much he has helped me in understanding this journey. It pains me so deeply that he is hurting right now and I hope for him every day that some of his new options will kick arse. Susan
PS: He is the toughest guy I have ever met with a most beautiful heart and soul.
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nita
Social climber
chica from chico..waiting on spring days..
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Jan 22, 2011 - 01:18am PT
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Hi, Paul's Family, Thank you for posting up.... Many of us have never met your son, but he has touch us deeply with his beauty, honesty and gift of writing. Joining you in positive thoughts and prayers for your son.
Both Paul and Ruth are amazing people..sending you both> much *Love.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PlzIRXzcjY8
Salud..
xo
nita..
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Jan 22, 2011 - 11:16am PT
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Crock,
I checked out your link. Unfortunately, the drug you saw IS the one I am on now that is not working anymore. The problem is it changes names, and is called different things in other parts of the world. PLX4032, RO5185426, RG7204 is the same thing.
Oh, well...
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Jan 25, 2011 - 09:49pm PT
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Thinking about you Paul. I hope you have been able to get some measure of comfort. Susan
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Crimpergirl
Sport climber
Boulder, Colorado!
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Jan 25, 2011 - 10:01pm PT
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I can't add much to what has been stated. We are thinking of you, Ruth and your family.
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Jan 27, 2011 - 10:01pm PT
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Ah, NUTS! My nuts. Ouch! Why, out of all the parts available? Cancer has chosen the sensation of getting kicked in the huevos as it's 24/7 gift to me.
I am nodding off now from pain killers, but no more for me. Don't want to OD. But I can still feel the pain. A year or more ago I would be grabbing a bomber of IPA or anything else to keep trying to get rid of this. But I decided not to drink as a reaction to pain or depression, so... Damn it.
I have been trying my pranayama breathing exercises. But there is a returning lump under my ribs that catches back and forth with my breath. Very odd and uncomfortable. So even yoga is a pain.
Sounds fun, huh? So much for the boo-hoo.
The new facts:
After reviewing choices we have a plan, sort of. Ruth has spent lots of time on the phone with hot-shot docs and got good info. I have been too spun from pain to deal with this.
-Radiation will likely burn my already senstitized skin. And it means time off the BRAF drug before and after treatment, up to a month.
-Interlukin 2 is too much of a step in the bed -ridden direction before I get there on my own.
-We found a trial working with BRAF and MEK, the two receptors that seem to be my best hope.
The tumors may be growing again, even though I am still on the BRAF pill. But they would likely explode if I am taken off the drug entirely. The MEK drug showed poor results alone (in other patients, according to Ruth's phone calls.), but maybe not in combo with BRAF. That is the study we are looking at now.
Pros: I stay on some sort of drug that is likely at least slowing the tumors. This is the next trial already suggested in the past as a future hope by my docs.
Cons: The study is only in LA and does not start for two more weeks at least. It would involve at least temporary relocation. I don't want the disease to BE my life. And Work? $ is gone.
The test may be picked up here in SF in the future and I MIGHT be able to transfer back north...
I just want to be a real boy again, like Pinoccio.
I get scanned in SF next week. This will determine if I get more wonderpills or not. It could go either way. I think if they take me off them because of "Protocol" I will weaken quickly. With them... time until the train rolls into the station perhaps.
Ow, my balls...
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Ezra Ellis
Trad climber
WA, & NC & Idaho
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Jan 27, 2011 - 10:09pm PT
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Thanks for the up date Paul,
You are an incredible person!
Hope you feel better!
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Jan 27, 2011 - 10:18pm PT
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Here's me on a route called "Screaming Dick" Appropriate, no? ;)In so many ways, on different days...
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Jan 27, 2011 - 11:50pm PT
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I wish I could sit and have a cup of tea with you. I'm really saddened that you are dealing with such pain. I hope some of the new options get things reversed for you. Lots of thoughts for you and Ruth. Susan
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JOEY.F
Social climber
sebastopol
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Jan 28, 2011 - 01:25am PT
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Hi Paul, gave you a jingle today, If you're still awake, 707 291 8398 till 11pm. Otherwise, I will give you another shout friday. Poor nuts!!
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Jan
Mountain climber
Okinawa, Japan
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Jan 28, 2011 - 04:47am PT
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I'm still following this thread and hoping for the best.
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Berdette Robison
climber
the present
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Jan 29, 2011 - 12:33am PT
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I'm still following your journey, and as I'm sure you know, you have touched so many lives with your strength and spirit. Lots of good wishes and better days ahead to you and Ruth. I'm sure you also know what a treasure you have by your side.
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Jan 29, 2011 - 12:38pm PT
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Hi, thanks for the good thoughts.
Ruth is excited because her youngest, Cammy, is in town to visit. It has been three years since they have seen each other! It's the first time I have met her, though I have listened to countless hours of calls between the two of them over the years. So good to meet her.
But the pain is the worst ever. I am in bed with my throbbing leg and groin in the air, trying to no end to find comfort. Terrible timing with the visit. I told Ruth to just go have fun. I will work in when I can. We are all in a 5th wheel, so I can just join the conversation from bed anyhow.
I really don't know if I can take this level of OUCH! much longer without resorting to very heavy meds. Unlike some, I like my brain. Don't want to dope completely out of it.
Cruxing!
Paul
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Jan
Mountain climber
Okinawa, Japan
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Jan 29, 2011 - 02:47pm PT
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Sorry to hear about the pain, Paul!
There are drugs which can take care of it without totally blitzing you, but doctors are often afraid to prescribe them for fear of addiction. Generally hospice deals the best with pain and sometimes doctors recommend them for just that.
I have a friend who is bed ridden with severe arthritis and the only way she got both pain relief and a clear mind was having hospice take over from the nursing home staff. She's in no danger of passing on, it's just some bureaucratic rule problem.
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Wayno
Big Wall climber
Seattle, WA
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Jan 29, 2011 - 03:04pm PT
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Sending some light your way. See if this helps:
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all in jim
climber
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Jan 29, 2011 - 04:12pm PT
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Found em! Photos from the far northern california coast: Paul Humphries and Eric Chemello,
1996-ish. Some great routes you guys put up there. I'm thinking about you and hoping for the best Paul!
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Jan 29, 2011 - 04:55pm PT
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thinking so much of you Paul. I hate that you are in such pain. My thinking is that being in so much pain takes as much a toll on you (if not more) as possibly being fuzzy brained until you get your options sorted out? Another cancer patient is on some sort of pump that is implanted in her abdomen. She doesn't seem fuzzy brained and she can control it as she needs it. Its so hard to get any rest when you hurt so much. I hope some of the options you mentioned in a recent post are available and work for you. Sharing a virtual cup of tea with you, Susan
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yoginigirl
Social climber
Eureka
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Jan 29, 2011 - 05:30pm PT
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Paul ~ I am sorry to hear you are in so much pain. Jodi and Nikki send their love. I hope you can get a handle on this. Hope to see you for a few moments next Sunday? I won't stay more than a few minutes.
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phylp
Trad climber
Millbrae, CA
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Jan 29, 2011 - 06:36pm PT
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Paul - I have a CD called "Rapid Pain Control" from Carol Erickson and Tom Condon. It's based on Ericksonian hypnosis. I have no idea if it would help with your pain at all, but I'd be happy to mail it to you to try. I found it very relaxing - two voices speaking simultaneously in rhythmic soothing tones. If you are interested just send me an email with a snail mail address for you.
Regards, Phyl
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BrassNuts
Trad climber
Save your a_s, reach for the brass...
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Jan 30, 2011 - 01:14am PT
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Paul & Ruth - wishing you continued strength in such challenging times. Take good care of each other...
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Iclimb5.1
climber
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Jan 31, 2011 - 05:02pm PT
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Paul,
Thanks for the update. I don’t know if you are feeling like reading, but Full Catastrophe Living by Jon Kabat-Zin is a great book on how to deal with pain by using meditation…sounds like right up your alley…maybe it will help. If I had your address I’d send you the book and meditation cds that I have.
Hang in there and best to you and Ruth.
Vicky
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Jobee
Social climber
El Portal Ca.
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Jan 31, 2011 - 07:50pm PT
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Feb 1, 2011 - 11:34pm PT
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HI.
To the cool folks offering help, housing, books, cds, love, $, etc. we are very thankful. I intend to PM each of you with the info you asked for, but it just rough now. Believe m, though, we love all the offers and support. I hope a few people don't feel ignored...
If this entry comes off a little spacy or mis spelled its 'cause I am hooked up to this:
I was checked in to the hospital for a few days to try and get a handle on the pain. This is not an easy fix. Each time I move the main tumor in my groin shifts and pinches another nerve. Suffice to say , it is unbearable.
I was dealing with it at home until I ran out of meds, and even meditation worked not. I was screaming from just standing up.
I must find what works in the hard core drug realm for now.
What is infuriating is that in a hospital, they made me lay on the floor in admissions, there is no where for a serious ill person to recline. No one knew what they were doing, and I lay on the floor for an hour and a half while idiots danced around like headless chickens. I kept telling them that pain meds is the first thing I need not the last. Did no help.
I finally “Get” room an ten go through more Paperwork, interview say everything 16times.hrs later they give me pain meds, at a low dose. Because of opiate heads stealing and lying for dope, folks like me get treated like scum instead of patients. I don't want to get high! I WANT RELIEF. Th doctor ordered one of those push a button for more IV meds, he floor nurse agreed, but some Beurocrap Said no. To easy for me to get high I guess. This is insane! I have to push the call button for the nurse. Wait, no response. So buzz again. “WE will be right there” is always an hour it seems. So is a freaking' joke.
Eventually, like over 18 hours in the hospital, they finally get their sh#t somewhat together and medicate me to the point I can finally do something besides curl up in the bed, or floor. Still in a lot of pain, but I have found the staff that treats me like an ill man instead of a junkie. (They still have to LOCK the IV drugs to the IV tree to keep people from steeling the drug)
I must make this clear: The actual Doctors and my “team” do the best they can. It is the hospital bureaucracy that drives me mad. In a business devoted to “Do no harm” an patient care,, the actual people are not as important as covering their ass legally. Great, but they do such a poor job it opens more holes than it closes.
People first, not paperwork. You actually have to act like a two year old and throw a fit until they are so tired of you they finally do something...
AAARHHH.
This concludes the bitch and moan portion of this entry.
The facts:
-Still in a lot of pain
-Heavy drugs in large amounts don't do much
-I am one drug tolerant bastard.
-I will be in the hospital at least a couple more days as they find something to make the pain level acceptable to me.
At home the D5 #13 is getting fracture tested beating the crap out of a pylon in the yard when the pain spikes.
Cammy, one of Ruth's daughters visited and got to see me at my (not) best. I hurt so much I barely got to talk with her. But at least Ruth had a chance to hang with her youngest, do some yoga, see the town.
My docs are trying to get me on the newest trial ahead of anyone else calling me a “Special Case” I always wanted to be special, but not in this way. Even so, I might have to go off the BRAF drug up to two weeks because of my most hated word “Protocol”. Protocol before people. Oh, yeah, I'm a guinea pig now, not a person in the eyes of the mystery decision makers. Who the hell are they anyway?
Every intelligent Doctor I talk to about these things say they agree. But then they shrug their shoulders, unable to doctor until who-ever-the-hell-they-are waves the magic wand.
Live well, but die quick people. This slow sh#t blows.
Rambling … a bit medivcated...
FILL IN THE BLANKS
Paul D. Humphrey
Fill in the Blanks w/ Thoughts.
For Thoughts are all there are.
No Words to use,
no Signs to see,
just the thoughts of
We the Mind.
Simple Vowels or rows of Runes
amount to naught, indeed.
The Deed is fruitless.
The Meaning is lost.
Somewhere within my mind
a Rebellion has gone off.
No rebellion is wrong,
the wrong word to use.
Ah, that’s the gist: WORDS!
They fly like Birds, away
from what I want to Say.
Perhaps I Cannot,
though I Ought.
Unless……
I cannot Express.
And that is what I mean.
(So it would seem.)
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Gene
climber
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Sending love to you, Paul!
Gene
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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I'm hoping you get some relief...but they wouldn't give you the "green" button?? That seems crazy. When I was on the self-medicate IV they told me I couldn't overdose because even though I could push the button to self medicate they said it was timed to only deliver so much during a specific time period. It horrific you were treated so poorly.
My deepest thoughts are with you, and again, sharing a virtual cup of tea with you. I hope you get some rest while in the hospital. Susan
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Brian
climber
California
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We're thinking of you Paul, and hoping for the best in what I'm absolutely certain (even though I can't "know" without being there) must be an incredible challenge.
All the best,
Brian
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Jan
Mountain climber
Okinawa, Japan
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So sorry for your pain and trouble!
I still think it would be worthwhile to contact hospice about pain control.
They seem to have much less bureaucracy than hospitals do.
I'm hoping that you get on those clinical trials soon. Good vibes to make that happen.
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bluering
Trad climber
Santa Clara, CA
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Hang in there, Paul. Try to be clear as to what you need from us. I can proabably help help. But what do you need?
I'll say a prayer for ya tonight, Paul. Good rest and God bless!
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bluering
Trad climber
Santa Clara, CA
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Hey Paul, hang tough too, dude. You are gonna be okay. You just need to have the right attitude. You're just pulling a hard roof. Figure out the moves, stay focused, and top out.
I feel for ya, but ya gotta be strong, dude. You have it. Do it!
You have a bunch of people pulling for you. Hang tough!!!
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JOEY.F
Social climber
sebastopol
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Paul Disaster Master,
Not a day goes by when I don't think about you.
Big hug,
Joe.
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Gene
climber
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Thinking about you, Paul.
Love, prayers and best vibes coming your way.
Gene
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Iclimb5.1
climber
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Paul,
What Joe said.
And, no, no one feels slighted. You've given us this wonderful say to stay connected to you, your experiences, your thoughts.
I hope you're getting some relief. Best to you and Ruth.
vicky
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SteveW
Trad climber
The state of confusion
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I hope you're doing better, Paul.
My thoughts are with you. Hang in there!
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stevep
Boulder climber
Salt Lake, UT
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A friend of mine with stage IV bone cancer was able to get an implanted pain med dispensing pump. It helped her alot in terms of remaining functional.
Beyond that, I'd agree with you that it is extremely frustrating that the drug addicts have caused so many problems with pain med administration.
Have you tried hippy lettuce?
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okaythatsme
climber
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Thinking of you. Had a dream where you were climbing and on your motorcycle (not at the same time). Wishing you were not in pain. Lot's of supportive thoughts your way. marcella
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Jobee
Social climber
El Portal Ca.
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I think of you often Paul.
You teach us.
You reach us.
We are melded.
We are meant.
It is in this moment I send you comfort.
Dam I hope that medicine starts cranking, and you feel less pain; one tough man, YOU.
It's worth it, getting out of the pain for a bit ... plus your poetry rocks!
I'd like to sock that hospitals policies right in the eye; I've a mean right hook, they would take notice.
love, love, love,
Jo Whitford
El Portal Ca.
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Feb 2, 2011 - 06:15pm PT
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Paul here. Good news, and better news, (I hope).
My pain is down to OK if in bed and in the "correct" position. Moving, walking, sitting up still bad, but we are working on that.
Had a crazy morning that will make a good story. Too tired to tell it today though.
Ruth had to leave to teach but will return tomorrow.
Now the possibly better news:
I have beeen granted entry to another trial that I thought I would not qualify for. The Docs are pushing hard for me here. Just got brain scanned again. If it is good than I am in. More to folllow.
On to the third pitch( clinical trial). looks airy time to send again...
Paul
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Gene
climber
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Paul,
Keep on keeping on until you kick this shit! Looking forward to good news soon.
g
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donini
Trad climber
Ouray, Colorado
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You're a fighter Paul, you would make a great alpine partner.Great news about the trial!
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Geez, getting on a trial is a trial, eh? I'm glad you are getting an edge up on the pain. You need some good decent rest to rebuild some strength. I think it's better to be fuzzy brained for awhile if it at least lets you get some rest. Sharing a virtual cuppa tea with ya! Susan
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drunkenmaster
Social climber
santa rosa
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Paul - we missed you last night at the rim club and we wondered where you were. you were mentioned several times and we thought that we would ask you to do a rim club slideshow when you get to feeling better. i hope it is soon..
we will keep thinking positive for you bro and sending you much love and good vibes. you are a tough, smart, cool dude and if anyone can beat this its you.
if you need any hippy lettuce in santa rosa just let me know! ;)
much love from your friend chris :)
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rlf
Trad climber
Josh, CA
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Hang in there tough guy!
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climboard
Trad climber
Clifton, VA
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Good luck with the trial. I am sending positive thoughts your way, I hope the pain stays away!
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stilltrying
Trad climber
washington indiana
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Best wishes from Indiana Paul. You are one tuff mofo and I am constantly inspired by your posts. I had one of those pain pumps after waking up from a 13 hour surgery and finding out they had split my chest open. I kept buzzing the Nurse I needed pain meds and she would say "Push The Button".
Finally my Brother Jim who stayed by my side for days would just remind me everytime I forgot. Glad your pain is better as pain sucks for sure. Praying for good news on getting into the new protocal.
Mike
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Jan
Mountain climber
Okinawa, Japan
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So glad you got some pain relief.
We can tell already how much that has helped you to be more optimistic.
Bring on the third set of trials!
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Pastor Dave
Social climber
Yucca Valley, CA
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Hi Paul,You never cease to amaze me! Poetry in the midst of pain and confushion! Ruth Called me today and paid me a VERY HIGH Compliment. She said I am a lot like you! We all need to focus our thoughts and prayers like a lazer on that one BAD Tumore! I was thinking about the "non churchy" Spirituality that I see in the posts of so many of your friends. Guess I never managed to climb the denominational ladders because I've never bought into that "churchy stuff" very well. All you rock climbers make a very personal connection with GOD and GOD's Creation when you plaster yourselves to those Rocks and call on that God-given human spirit to conquer that route even if it takes you innuerable tries. It is that spirit that shines through your posts and I am VERRY Proud of YOU! There are still a lot of "mountains" to conquor and I know YOU WILL DO IT!
Dad
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nature
climber
Tuscon Again! India! India! Hawaii! LA?!?!
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go brother go!
question for you. In all of your writings I've don't recall you mentioning attacking this with a high alkaline raw foods diet. Did I miss that part? Have you considered? Make your body a place where the cancer is not liked and cannot thrive. If the subject interests you shoot me an email or give me a number to call and I'll begin to relate what I know (which is more than a little).
go brother go!
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Gene
climber
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Beat that Sh#t, Bro!!! Bump
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stilltrying
Trad climber
washington indiana
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I am currently reading a book of travel stories by a Paul Theroux. In the chapter entitiled "The Worst Journey In The World" he quotes Apsley Cherry-Garrard in referance to an essay he wrote about T.E. Lawrence "To go through a terrrible time of mental and physical stress and to write it down as honestly as possible is a good way of getting some of it off your nerves." Despite Garrards suffering several nervous breakdowns while writing his book and afterwords Theroux notes "Everywhere in his writing his voice is clear, articulate, humane, and sometimes startling" I felt that this pefectly describes Paul and his unique ability to beautifully express the things he is enduring and how he is dealing with them in words that seem to resonate universally throughout the Super Topo community.
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Gal
Trad climber
a semi lucid consciousness
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Paul-Hope you are feeling better, and that you get on the new medical trial. Thinking of you and what you are going through. Keep fighting this!!!
-Catherine
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Jobee
Social climber
El Portal Ca.
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Really hope that you are in less pain today.
Also that you are being treated well in the hospital.
This deer came and lay in my garden last summer, it was about 105 temps that day.
A gentle friend.
You're in my thoughts; feel better, good luck with the trial.
I'm glad they're stepping up for you.
xxxooojo
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yoginigirl
Social climber
Eureka
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Paul ~ Much love and healing energy sent to you from all of us up north as you look into new sources of healing.
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graniteclimber
Trad climber
The Illuminati -- S.P.E.C.T.R.E. Division
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Paul, please remember that for every person who posts here there are a hundred others who are following this and rooting for you, thinking good thoughts for you, praying for you.
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nita
Social climber
chica from chico..waiting on spring days..
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Paul, I hope your pain is under control and you are feeling much better..... Still sending healing thoughts and prayers to you ...and Ruth.
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Ezra Ellis
Trad climber
WA, & NC & Idaho
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Hope you are feeling better,
Thanks for your nice poetry and inspiring attitude Paul!
Cyber hug!
-Ezra
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kotwf
Boulder climber
OREGON
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Paul,
Hey, this is Jeff Hollenbeck. I've been reading about your adventures and wanted to say I'm pulling for you.
Been thinking about you for a while now.
Jeff.
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Feb 4, 2011 - 11:11am PT
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Hi y'all!
Still here, more or less. I checked out of the hospital yesterday evening. I HAD TO to qualify for the next trial, believe it or not. The practicallities of life are lost on the people who write down this protocol suff. It's a long story.
I feel better than a few days ago, but very shaky and nauseous. The Doctor wanted me to stay in the hospital. But I have to get an eye exam today to qualify for the next study in time. If I can't walk in to the exam I am non amblitory and would be disqualified! So I have to check out to prove to the next stuy that I am "Fit" enough to care for myself and will not die too soon while they test me. Such uforscene comical bullshit!
So I wake my poor exausted lover up in 15 minusts so she can drive again to the city with me for tests. Incredible woman...
That is the bare bones latest. Wish me no barfing and less pain in todays madness.
Thanks for all the words, Some are quite profound. I will talk more later,
Diaster Master(ing)
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Jaybro
Social climber
Wolf City, Wyoming
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Less pain,
no puke,
Namaste
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Gym Birdwall
Gym climber
The
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I find it funny that Fattrad put up post #420 on this thread. ;)>
Go Paul!
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neebee
Social climber
calif/texas
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hey there say, disaster master...
i had been, in the past, once i learned of your illness, trying to keep up... but i been out of the loop here for a bit, due to move, computer and lots of things...
just caught the note that you've had a hospital stay...
i am here, too, in your corner, praying more...
hope that the pain leaves, and that a smile, and a bit of "happier refrain" takes it's place...
ps:
god bless to you and your gal, as she helps along the way, a hard trail to join in on, but one of deeper joys, in the long run, though illness are far from fun...
god blesss...
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urasenke13
climber
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Hey there Buddy!
Sending MOUNTAINS of love to you everyday. And its fun to read the climbing posts. Took Taylor to the rock gym for the first time yesterday. It's all she can talk about.
Nolan
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Gawd Paul you are one tough M...F. Keep on keepin....Susan
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Feb 6, 2011 - 08:26pm PT
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A Tribute to my friend Nolan Bowman from "My Up And Down Life"http://www.supertopo.com/tr/My-Up-And-Down-Life-Disaster-Master/t10807n.html
Life sure is expensive. My phone was flooded with calls from creditors. I felt scattered & scared. The cancer B.S. left me broke before fully healed. So three months after the surgery I set off into the woods again to climb trees for money.
My first day back started out frustrating. The first Douglas Fir of the morning had one nest out on a wrist-sized branch, waaaayyyy up there. Above it were a handful of live limbs. After two hours of crossbow shots ending in no safe rigs I was fuming. "I should freakin' quit right now!" I screamed. My mind replied 'Quit or climb, dude.'
"Fine!"
The next arrow hit the sweet spot, arcing over a solid looking live limb close to the trunk around 90 feet up. Time to climb. I clipped my ascenders onto the rope. Shove up the left hand, bring up the right. I crawled up the nylon thread, moving quickly & soon hung just below the nest, spinning slowly around & around. Kicking a foot out to the trunk, I stopped my rotation & leaned forward toward the aromatic sap-scented mat of needles. They looked fresh.
I heard a "pop!" The rope went flaccid & I plummeted with a scream. The branch my line hung over had snapped. The sudden drop spun me face forward & slowly to the left. I saw the rope through the corner of my eye.
"Pop-pop!" The falling coil snapped the only other branches; the ones I was counting on to snag my lifeline through some miracle of gravity & friction. It had worked before. Above me I beheld rope & limbs hurling down, a huge undulating mass. I was going all the way, 80 feet, no stops.
My mind lit up. I saw no images of my life, no white light. I saw Christopher Reeves, former Superman, in his wheelchair breathing through a tube in his throat. 'Screw that!' I knew if I hit head first I would A. die, or B. end up just like Superman. Gravity had become my kriptonite. The trunk was rushing by less than a foot away from me so I head-butted the tree, knocking a few teeth loose. This crazy move reversed my rotation, spinning my head up towards the sky.
I glimpsed ground cover coming up fast & screamed again. “Arraaaaahhh!” Computer animation of the Martian Lander bouncing along the red planet's surface flashed in my lit up mind. If I hit the ground flailing I would most likely auger in & shatter.
"Bounce!"
The command was beyond reproach & came out of nowhere. I tucked into a cannon ball & impacted, landing on my elbows & right butt cheek. My spine compressed like an accordion. The right ribcage yielded first, popping inward from convex to concave; breaking some ribs in the process. Several compression fractures occurred as my spine failed. Then Lumbar-Two (L2), one of the largest vertebrae in the small of my back burst, leaving almost nothing but multiple shards resting against my spinal cord. A stump stopped me 20 feet downhill, leaving me askew in a fetal position.
"Mmmnnngguu!" That's all I could say. Inside my mind was racing, trying to reorient. 'Who am I ? Who am I , who? Who...What, what is me, is this ,what's happening...Am I awake?' My lungs were covered in lead & my back was on fire. “Aaaaaaammmm!” I felt something grinding in the small of my back. Then I didn't.
I lay crippled in the middle of nowhere, hours down an unmarked maze of logging roads, 200 miles from home & deep in an Oregon forest. I bellowed from the incredible aching-tingling-spasming convulsions. Then I heard Nolan Bowman, my friend & fellow contractor, running full tilt down the ridge to me. He came diagonally into view & tried to look calm but failed miserably. I could see his eyes & they were scared. “How do you feel, do you need to sit up?”
“No! Dude, Damn! I think my back may be broken. Mmmmmaaaahhhhhh – Mother F*#!*er!” I couldn't believe any of it. Had I grappled with cancer & separation from my wife only to die in a brush choked second growth forest looking for the nests of a freakin' rodent of no consequence to 99.9% of the human population?
“Focus.”
“Nolan, I think I really screwed up this time.”
“How far up were you?”
“Probably 80 feet, near the nest structure. Mmmhhhhhhaa! Dude, my back is really spasming. It keeps trying to arch. If I can't keep still I think I... Huoohaaaaamu! I might cut my spinal cord.” I wept from the effort to stay immobilized. “Nolan, I need you to clear my spine. Do you know how?”
Nolan hovered over me on his knees, arms out in a gesture of bewilderment. “No, buddy. What do I do?”
“Run your fingers lightly, Lightly!, down my entire spine & tell me if it is shifted or broken feeling. Be careful. Mmmhuuuh!”
Nolan slid his hands down my back. **It felt so good to simply feel another human's touch, even though it hurt like hell. 'I am not alone. I am not alone,' I repeated in my mind as he checked my spine.
**“Um, it feels OK down to your mid back, but then it sort of disappears. Damn! What should we do?”
My heart accelerated then sank. “Dude, I need a back board and paramedics.”
“OK, OK. I can't get a cell signal here so I gotta drive until I can call out for help.”
“Thanks, I...”
“Paul. Paul, it's gonna be alright. I'll be right back.” He ran straight up through the undergrowth.
“Stay awake.”
It felt like I'd had the Peter Pan beat out of me. My pixie dust was used up. So this is true pain. I slipped into an in-between place, where mad-mind calisthenics attempted to push my torture into a smaller corner of my brain. I had to escape for a while. My consciousness felt lit up like a jack-o-lantern, with a raging fire burning me up from the inside out.
“Stay conscious, stay here,” I repeated to myself. I was the only one I trusted to get me through this. 'God Damn It! I am not ready to fade yet. No way.' I swelled with illogical confidence, at least in between the spasms. “Aaaaaaaaaaaarrrrruuhhh!"
I lay there for five hours before help arrived. Horns announced the rescue. At last! Lying upside down was disorienting. It gave the whole scene an off-kilter balance. Fire hats & mustaches popped into view from the corners, like whack-a-moles in some acid trip. "Hey, there. What can we do for you?"
Was he kidding? "Aaaarrrr...DRUUUUUGGGGGS!!!"
"OK, OK. We're EMT s. We don't have meds. We're going to roll you onto a backboard & get you moving towards the road."
"Hell no! My back has been trying to arch since I fell & my legs tingle. If you roll me it will cut my cord."
"Don't worry. We know what we're doing."
"Arrrrruuuuuhh...So do I. I'm an EMT too & I'm not releasing...Ddddmmmmnn...me into your care. I need DRUUUUUUGGGGSSSSSSS!" I would have kicked him if I wasn't broken.
That seemed to confuse my rescuers. I heard them confer, try to radio out. They put a collar on me & held me in place, saying paramedics were on the way.
Thirty minutes later shots of morphine arrived. Things became much more bearable, giggly even. I turned into a body, a case, a problem to be packaged, hoisted, dragged, dropped, pushed, carried, deposited & transported.
"Thank God."
I awoke. There was a blood filled tube in my side emerging from a long horror movie incision in my back, a catheter in my dick & IV lines in my arms. My spine, broken in two, was now held together by titanium bars and screws. The bolter had become the bolted. I wiggled my toes. They still worked.
Nolan Rules!
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spot
Boulder climber
Atascadero,Ca
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I don't post here much, but have been following your story since the beginning. My brother had a malignant "pink" melanoma and caught it early. So far so good for him, but what does the future hold?
Praying for pain relief, success in treatment and full remission for you, Paul. I thought of your statement of "shrinkage" and although most guys don't hope for shrinkage, here's to you and I certainly hope you obtain complete shrinkage!
I admire the grit and hope you show battling this cancer. I don't know if I could be as tough. Praying for a cure and long life for you.
Randy Stevenson
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couchmaster
climber
pdx
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I haven't posted here before Paul. From fear I think. Fear of saying the wrong thing mostly. I have had 2 folks I've known well, my age/your age about, die of terminal Melanoma. It's just a bad scene that only you really know how bad it is. I'm hoping that the miracle drugs do their thing for you, but I can see that the ones you've munched didn't do it. I'm hoping that there's a new one in your future that does the trick for you and that you soon become pain free and healthy again.
All of us will die. I don't know if you'll go first, or I will checkout first, but as you have stepped off of the platform on the slow train before me - I wish you strength in your journey. May the joy of the memory that you have those around you who obviously love you, sustain you through your difficult times ahead.
Regards and wishing you the best:
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urasenke13
climber
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Thank you my friend for sharing that, especially the photos.
It still haunts me. I remember watching you fall. I remember the sound of the impact. I remember the shock I was in and that you had the calm presence of mind to tell me what to do.
I can remember having to return to that plot the next day to finish climbing the remaining trees. It wasn't courage that made me return. Far from it. It was necessity. The need to finish the plot so we could get paid for it, and the very deep need to not yield to the horror I had witnessed and leave my mind crippled. Courage is an epithet.
PS I just finished my 20th day at the Bikram studio.... Feeling GREAT!
Nolan
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yllw2lip
climber
Orange, CA
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Paul... you crack me up!
Quote: "Fire hats & mustaches popped into view from the corners, like whack-a-moles in some acid trip."
You always had a way with telling stories, even when you are describing an incident where you were in the worst pain of your life you insert that awesome sense of humor that you have. I still can't believe you had the prescence of mind to whack your head on a tree limb on the way down to re-orient yourself to not get killed when you landed!!! OMG! You are my hero, Nolan may be yours, but you are mine! And God bless Nolan for being yours :)
Glad to hear another trial is coming your way, and that the pain eased a little bit. If you have to come to L.A. at least you will be closer to me and I can give you a physical visit. You look much better in the pics you posted than the last time I saw you, that's good to see.
Love you lots and lots! xoxo to Ruth,
Anna (the lil' sis)
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philoselfizer
climber
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Paul,
i had known about your back injury, but not the HOW of it - heavens to Murgatroyd, you must be part cat.
Well, i've observed that cats never give up when they want to achieve something. They stay focused...they keep striving - just like you are doing!
Hope your spirits are still climbing - warm hugs to you & Ruth.
Andrea
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Hi Paul, As I recall Thursday is your next milestone for a new trial. Let us know how it goes. I know you checked yourself outta the hospital ... I hope you have been able to manage the pain while home. Sharing a virtual cup of tea with you! Susan
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Feb 10, 2011 - 08:05pm PT
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Hi all. We just rolled in back from hospital. Then Ruth rushed off to teach all evening. I don't know how she does it.
I have been vomiting and failing to keep food down. Though it is getting slowly better. They pumped me up on too many drugs while hospitalized. Went form in pain to nauseous. It is a choice, it seeems, and I must choose pain. I can't eat with the hurls all the time from the pain meds. The pharmacy kept arguing with us, because that's how much narcotics the docs said I needed.
I took over. I cut back some things, changes others, with the goal of eating again, damn the pain. So a few days of heroine like withdrawals and now I am trying to eat again. Mostly applesauce so far. I am now at my lightest. Lost close to 15 pounds this past 2 weeks.
So the good news is we qualify (except for one last thing that should be OK) We could not get the approval back before the drug company closed today though. So even though the drugs were in the room, I did not get them.
We will have to go back again to get the meds, unless some other wrench is thrown in the works. I need this bad. Without it the groin monstor is twice as big as a month ago, and is starting to outsize my real "Junk". Quite disturbing and excruciatingly painful.
I am so tired of not being able to contribute to the income of the house. Ruth is working herself ragged, Though she will say she is fine. Then she has to do most things for me.
When I was first diagnosed with this BS we set up an account that people could donate to. I feel the need to ask again for charity. This is not easy and entirly my idea this time around. But we need a little breathing room.
I have a paypal that can be donated to. This screen will tell you how:https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_flow&SESSION=ao8zNg5u-6mOU3khaxSR1GR8pEpy-J9CfIMY3f3vmcYrwa16VLrxJsAxZo4&dispatch=5885d80a13c0db1f8e263663d3faee8df1d2b5c147af55b8d54f2944c97d2a2a
The email to use when asked who the $ is for is sticksandstones@cliffhanger.com.
I hate to do it, but could use any monetary help we can get.
We will see what happens with the drug, when I get it. I feel it may be one of my last chances.
Dumpster-diving for love,
Paul
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Gene
climber
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Feb 10, 2011 - 08:52pm PT
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Good to hear from you, Paul. Thanks for the update. Praying for the buzzer-beating three pointer for you. Keep us posted.
And, damn Dude, what a great lady you have.
Kick Ass,
g
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yoginigirl
Social climber
Eureka
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Feb 10, 2011 - 09:31pm PT
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Paul ~ I went to the paypal and it gave me an error message. I did figure it out though.
I missed you last week and sent you both love as I drove by. I hope that everything comes through tomorrow for you. Please, please look into hospice, if nothing else they can have volunteers take care of laundry and cooking and the minutia details that just take time and energy. There is no cost to you ever and it does not mean giving in, it is just a form of support. Much love to you and Ruth and I will pass the word up here.
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Feb 10, 2011 - 10:05pm PT
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Hi Paul Glad to hear that you are in the queue for the next trial. Is it possible to send me a private email with your snail mail addy? I've not always felt comfortable with paypal.
Thinking alot of you and Ruth. I'm with you, I hate the feeling of needing to have help, especially hard for us independent folks...however I have been on the other side of the equation and felt it left me with life lessons and experiences that have profoundly enriched my life.
thanks, Susan
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Feb 10, 2011 - 11:36pm PT
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"Ask and you shall receive." True tonight. Thank you to those who responded to my plee for assistance. Cancer is expensive!
Jen:
Was I still in hospital when you came by? Sorry we missed each other. Very crazy here, of late. Love you all up in the Humboldt fog!
Susan:
Your virtual tea always makes me smile. How are YOU doing?
Everyone else, rock on.
Perhaps the pills will reach me tomorrow.
Wish I could do something deserving for Ruth. It's Valentines and birtday month. (Love you Ruth;)
My breath and meditation helps me more than all the diloted morpine they inject in me. I have my mind back. Now if I can get my stommach back I'll be on my way.
Chin up, this sh#t is on-site!
Paul
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Jan
Mountain climber
Okinawa, Japan
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Feb 11, 2011 - 12:17am PT
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Thanks for the update.Hell of a way to lose weight!
All those drugs slow down your breathing so good thing you know how to do that yourself. I sent you an email.
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Feb 11, 2011 - 11:22am PT
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Hi Paul, I'm doing well. Actually I am at Stanford right now, just got blood drawn, waiting for lab results, then on to chemo today if blood work good. You sound better. Thank goodness. The "blood drawer" today was a nasty prick (nice lady but bad technique). Maybe I will reconsider being an early morning patient! And guess what, I have a real cup of tea in my hand...so clinking virtual tea mugs wid ya! Susan
edit: No go for chemo today, my wbc too low. Must wait a week, ARRGH, this pushes my completion date back to mid March. Who in their wildest dreams would have thought I would embrace chemo rather than being turned away from it? Sharing something alot stronger with you than a virtual cup of tea this time. Hopefully you get your pill today. Susan
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Lynne Leichtfuss
Trad climber
Will know soon
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Feb 11, 2011 - 11:32am PT
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Would you email me your snail mail address thru my email here on ST. My heart hurts for all you two are passing thru right now on this planet. Huge positive thoughts, prayers and love from lynne.
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Feb 11, 2011 - 05:10pm PT
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JUst got the call...
Approved! But, yeah, I know, BUT...
I have to get to the hospital before end of business today! Or else.
Or else my 72 hour "Dosing window" will pass on sunday (they are not open) and we would have to do the Doc appoint and approval all over again.
Good thing
I'm half tigger
so I can bounce
through the hoops!
Off for the pill,
still feeling ill...
throbing pain
in my groin
and my head.
Thanks to Ruth,
My Love,
We cross the
Golden Gate,
above the sea,
heading for
more days
of you and me.
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Gene
climber
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Feb 11, 2011 - 05:29pm PT
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Great news, Paul!
I have to get to the hospital before end of business today! Or else.
Log off and get moving!!!!!!!!!!!!
g
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Feb 11, 2011 - 06:09pm PT
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Yeah Yippeee...I am SO happy for you. Now become the incredible shrinking tumor man. I am so happy for you and let this one do it's magic.
I got turned away from chemo today because my wbc's too low. Oh well, I return next Friday. I'm not in pain or discomfort (well unless I get an infection I guess!) but now I won't be done until mid March.
Screw the virtual tea...tonight it's clinking the beer bottles! Here's to you! Susan
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neebee
Social climber
calif/texas
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Feb 11, 2011 - 06:12pm PT
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hey there say, disaster master, and SC--still rooting and praying for you both, as you seek to tackle these awful trails, daily...
may victory come... and in ways that you will cherish, one day...
god bless...
:)
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Gene
climber
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Feb 11, 2011 - 06:14pm PT
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Thinking of you as well, Susan. Cheers!
{Clinking virtual beer mugs.}
g
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Aunt Helen
Social climber
Klamath Falls, Oregon
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Feb 11, 2011 - 07:07pm PT
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Bounce Tigger, bounce.
Good luck for this one.
Cousin, Helen Humphrey Traylor
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Feb 12, 2011 - 12:41pm PT
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New super drugs are in the house and I have started taking them. Lets hope for the best, fast....
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Kalimon
Trad climber
Ridgway, CO
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Feb 12, 2011 - 12:46pm PT
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Good Luck Paul! What an ordeal you are going through . . . our best thoughts are with you.
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Jaybro
Social climber
Wolf City, Wyoming
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Feb 12, 2011 - 12:47pm PT
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oh yeah, great to hear!
"The incredible shrinking tumor man" love it! should be a T-shirt.
Just talked to a friend getting a biopsy yesterday, pretty darn young compared to most of us here....
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rincon
Trad climber
SoCal
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Feb 12, 2011 - 12:49pm PT
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Good luck Paul!
Fuk Cancer
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Anastasia
climber
hanging from a crimp and crying for my mama.
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Feb 12, 2011 - 12:54pm PT
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Congrats...
I'm so happy...
Let it be Doom for your Cancer! Doom!
:)Anastasia
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Feb 12, 2011 - 12:57pm PT
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Very Important:
I will use initials to protect identities. Thank you so much to A.R, A.T., R.S., L.F., J.W. and all others who responded to my paypal plee for some help. It kept the extra drives, lost classes and extra fuel costs from eating too far into us this week.
Thanks again,
Paul and Ruth.
edit: pretty darn young compared to most of us here....
I was only 32 when I got my first diagnosis. Never too young to burn!
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Feb 12, 2011 - 04:14pm PT
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Yeah baybeeeeeeeee.....down down down,
Sittin' here with my morning cuppa tea...oh I guess it's afternoon now...who cares...it's Saturday and we are all rooting for Paul's hurt to go away! Getting a handle on the nausea? I hope so. Susan
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Pastor Dave
Social climber
Yucca Valley, CA
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Feb 12, 2011 - 04:55pm PT
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Hi Paul and Ruth. Just got on line at a McDonald's wifi hot spot. What good news! You don't have to return my calls for now. I was getting frustrated because couldn't get on line for a few days. Will head back to CA Tuesday afternoon and get home sometime Wed. Will check in here when we get there if not from the road.
Marilyn and all our friends send their thanks and prayers that new pill will
KILL ALL those Tumors.
We Love you BOTH!
Dad
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Feb 13, 2011 - 09:31pm PT
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More thanks for $ help from A.L. and S.W. It helps.
Dad, How many times did I miss your calls? It was a blurr for a while there with the pain killers.
I am eating now, and it's staying daown. I discused my own med plan with my top doc. He was all for it. Seems to think I know what I am doing with myself.
I hope to get out of bed with less pain soon. I want to sort and scan a boxof old photos. I could use a lot of them to ilustrate more past TR's and tales. The hospital pix arn't that exciting.
One move at a time
-DM
(Pretty extreem stuff, huh, LOL.)
Edit: I think the BRAF drugs spike my appitite. So I am hopeful that the new version will do the same. Mabe starting? The BRAF drug is not helping the big beast tumor though. For that I am betting onthe other new drug targeting MEK, as they say. It is the crux tumor of th matter, and must go!
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SteveW
Trad climber
The state of confusion
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Feb 13, 2011 - 09:34pm PT
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Get better, Paul
My thoughts are with you and yours!
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JOEY.F
Social climber
sebastopol
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Feb 13, 2011 - 10:44pm PT
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Hope you sleep good tonight Paul, sending you some zzzzzz's.
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Feb 13, 2011 - 11:37pm PT
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Geez...you look like a different man from the hospital pix to the at-home pic. So glad to see you eating. Keeping your food down will hopefully build up your strength to attack the tumor with your new meds. Sitting here with my cup of tea...virtually sharing it with you. Susan
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TeleMele
climber
Hood RIver, OR
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Feb 13, 2011 - 11:58pm PT
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Way to go Paul! Glad you got the drug.
Keep up the great work brother.
Lots of love to you and Ruth,
Melanie
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Lynne Leichtfuss
Trad climber
Will know soon
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Feb 14, 2011 - 12:03am PT
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Thanks for all your updates. I'm glad some good is happening. If one can't pay pal you, do you have a mailing address ? Hope you weren't offended when I suggested you change your avatar. I just don't want you to have any more disaster's or be a master of them. (even if your name is meant in fun which I'm sure it is.) Peace, lynne
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Feb 14, 2011 - 11:02am PT
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Happy Valentine's day.
Ruth, I love you!
Today, I am trying to figure out who this wonderful woman Ruth is... People following this thread see the highlights (of the lowlights). Ruth sees and endures the worst of it, including my incredibly expressive and loud meltdowns. (I don't hold Happy OR Angry or anything else in very well.)
Amazed that she is strong enough to weather my madness and still come back with nothing but LOVE, the real thing. Period.
I keep trying to improve (Slowly, it seems) as a man to eventually match her as a human being.
Remember the one you love. And try to love a little better.
-Paul.
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Feb 14, 2011 - 11:02am PT
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a quick response to Lynne:
If one can't pay pal you, do you have a mailing address ? Hope you weren't offended when I suggested you change your avatar. I just don't want you to have any more disaster's or be a master of them.
I PMed you a day or two ago,(e-mailed you that) Lynne. Thanks for the offer. Have you checked your e-mail?
Did you see my response to the new avatar request? Thanks again.
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Jan
Mountain climber
Okinawa, Japan
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Feb 14, 2011 - 11:16am PT
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I emailed you for an address and haven't heard back yet?
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Feb 14, 2011 - 12:53pm PT
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I emailed you for an address and haven't heard back yet? OK, that's wierd. ST keeps saying my replies are sent.?
Is there an issue with that part of the site?
How do I get my info to you without broadcasting it here?
Puzzled....Anyone in charge here?
-Paul
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Lynne Leichtfuss
Trad climber
Will know soon
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Feb 14, 2011 - 02:32pm PT
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Paul, I check my emails daily. Mine didn't go through either. Try again. The ST email usually works. Thanks Lynne
Didn't see your response to the "avatar request", Paul (it was kind of a joke....) What day did you post it?
Hope today is a good one for you and Ruth. (my middle name :D)
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yoginigirl
Social climber
Eureka
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Feb 14, 2011 - 04:06pm PT
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Beautiful picture of Ruth ~ Happy Valentines day to you both. I am so happy you found each other. Finding someone who will stick around when the going gets tough is amazing and something to be cherished. Big Hugs ~ J
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Lynne Leichtfuss
Trad climber
Will know soon
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Feb 14, 2011 - 07:37pm PT
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And Jan, then perhaps you can email his address to me. Thanks Gal !
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Feb 14, 2011 - 08:04pm PT
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Paul, Happy Valentines to you! You have an incredible heart and soul shining through every day even in your terrible pain. May the biggest Valentine gift you get is your new meds kicking the poo out of your tumor. More Valentine hugs for Ruth too! Sitting here with my afternoon cuppa tea, virtual tea cup clink with you. Susan
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Feb 14, 2011 - 08:47pm PT
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Thanks, all...
Jan, sent you an e mail. Feel free to send to Lynne. Maybe that will work.
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Jan
Mountain climber
Okinawa, Japan
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Feb 14, 2011 - 11:41pm PT
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Paul-
I got your address and forwarded it on to Lynne.
Now all I need is your last name ???
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Feb 15, 2011 - 09:57am PT
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Details, details... it's Humphrey.
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donini
Trad climber
Ouray, Colorado
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Feb 15, 2011 - 10:00am PT
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Hello to you and Ruth- hope to see you at some climbing venue this Spring.
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Jan
Mountain climber
Okinawa, Japan
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Feb 15, 2011 - 01:28pm PT
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Got it. The check is in the mail.
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Iclimb5.1
climber
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Feb 15, 2011 - 03:52pm PT
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Hey Paul,
Didn't see the PayPal message myself. Jeff and I would like to help. Email if you can and send your address.
Vicky
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Feb 15, 2011 - 04:07pm PT
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Didn't see the PayPal message myself. Jeff and I would like to help.
Vicky,
Here is a re-post of the pertinent info. Love ya!
-Paul
I am so tired of not being able to contribute to the income of the house. Ruth is working herself ragged, Though she will say she is fine. Then she has to do most things for me.
When I was first diagnosed with this BS we set up an account that people could donate to. I feel the need to ask again for charity. This is not easy and entirly my idea this time around. But we need a little breathing room.
I have a paypal that can be donated to. This screen will tell you how:https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_flow&SESSION=ao8zNg5u-6mOU3khaxSR1GR8pEpy-J9CfIMY3f3vmcYrwa16VLrxJsAxZo4&dispatch=5885d80a13c0db1f8e263663d3faee8df1d2b5c147af55b8d54f2944c97d2a2a
The email to use when asked who the $ is for is sticksandstones@cliffhanger.com.
I hate to do it, but could use any monetary help we can get.
That link again is: https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_flow&SESSION=ao8zNg5u-6mOU3khaxSR1GR8pEpy-J9CfIMY3f3vmcYrwa16VLrxJsAxZo4&dispatch=5885d80a13c0db1f8e263663d3faee8df1d2b5c147af55b8d54f2944c97d2a2a
MY Paypal account: sticksandstones@cliffhanger.com
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hb81
climber
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Feb 15, 2011 - 04:34pm PT
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Paul, the link you gave will only work from your computer as it links into a secure part of the site (hence httpS instead of http) and has a "session id" attached to it.
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Feb 15, 2011 - 04:39pm PT
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Well, paypal.com will get you there. Wonder what's up/
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TWP
Trad climber
Mancos, CO
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Feb 15, 2011 - 07:59pm PT
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Here is one more person reminding you that many people are interested in you and Ruth and send you white light all the time. Glad I can "stay in touch" through Supertopo posts. We talked a lot about yoga when we met. It might please you to know that I have continued to practice yoga and enjoy great benefits. I plan on practicing the rest of my life – and living a long, healthy and active life. Here is my email address if you want to communicate directly or plan a visit to my place sometime this Spring/Summer or whenever. twprice3@gmail.com
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Iclimb5.1
climber
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Feb 16, 2011 - 01:47pm PT
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Thanks, Paul.
It's pretty easy if you just go to PayPal.com, click on 'Send Money' and follow the links. As Paul mentioned, you simply type in the email address to get the money sent.
Glad we can help Paul. Hope you're day is going well.
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Pastor Dave
Social climber
Yucca Valley, CA
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Feb 16, 2011 - 07:22pm PT
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Hi Paul and Ruth. We just got home and checked the site for latest info. Left voice mesage on both of your cell phones while on the road but just wanted update call if there were major changes or improvement from the new meds. Looks like you are feeling somewhat better but still waiting for tumor to shrink and DIE! Just the tunor, not YOU! Know that I can be at your side within 24 hours (or less) if you need me. Ruth mentioned that she has to come to LA early in March. I can come and hang out with you or if you come down with her I can meet you with my minni RV and you and I can hang out together in L A while Ruth does her coaching. Whatever will work for the two of you will work for me. If I come north to Santa Rosa Marilyn may come with me of may decide to stay here we will decide when the time and circumstances arrive. Loved your Valentine Tribute to Ruth. Glad you appreciate how great she is. Just one more thing we have in common, we both have FANTASTIC WOMEN in our lives who, wonder of wonders, LOVE US!! I can't imagine life without Marilyn and you would probably not have made it this far without Ruth. No words adequate to express my LOVE and APPRECIATION to both of them.
I think you are the Master of every Disaster! Keep climbing and know that GOD IS WITH YOU!
Dad
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Feb 17, 2011 - 01:11pm PT
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Man, I have been climbing a lot lately...in my head.
An explanation:
I seem to have reached a new place, past the bulk of the anger and despair; somewhere on the lit-side of pain. Misery remains, but it is accepted.
I built loops or programs in my mind over past years to process away other pain. Productive Denial, you could call it. Most people do it all the time to not think about things they wish were not reality...The bad pay, the beatings, the insecurities or what-evers of their lives. The thing is, they do this Automatically, without ever consulting the conscious mind. It is only when faced with a disconnect from their pre-programed version of "reality" that they realize they were manifesting behavior in their mind.
Think about it. Everyone has the built-in ability to process things away from the conscious mind. We would go crazy(er) otherwise. What we have failed to develop is the mental pathways that will allow us to Voluntarily access and use this skill.
Techniques such as meditation, once stripped of their religious over tones, are nothing more that a tool to do just that. I taught myself my own versions of various techniques over the years to put away pain. I had to after grounding from 80 feet and landing like an accordion, bursting my spine. The other choice is the normal one. Lots of drugs and not a lot of Life. Tried it. F*#k that!
So I stumbled on to, or made up, things that work for me. I built programs in my mind to take care of monitoring the pain. They would let me know if It was pain that meant I was injuring myself further, or irrational, chronic pain. If it was TRULY urgent, it would alert me. Otherwise I would not feel it, or much less of it. I made peace with my Pain.
Even with these skills pain is nearly kicking my ass again. It's secret weapon...change. It turns out my loops, my programs, are specific to a given pain. Not so good when Pain is always on the move and growing along with the tumors and disease. Even so I am getting a handle on it.
In the hospital they had me (eventually) on so many drugs they hesitated to give more for fear of overdosing me. Still the pain remained, barely diminished! Most people, it turns out, respond far quicker to these pain killers than I. Along with a cultivated ability to withstand pain comes an increased tolerance to pain controlling substances, it seems. Sounds strange, but these are results my own research on me. Ruth and others who have witnessed these things confirm it when I ask them what they observe.
So by the end of the latest hospitalization I was throwing up all the time, worse than when I arrived. I was on so much junk that later, after release, the pharmacy would not fill my scripts. They said it was way too much to take without overdosing. No one believes me...
All the hospital did was give me a rock-star drug habit in a hurry. Now my body was convinced it had to have the drugs. Yet it would reject them immediaty and hurl because my gut knows they are poison. What's a dude to do????
"Get the hell out! Go home. TAKE BACK YOUR HEALTHCARE, Paul." So said my mind. So we left.
Back at home, at first I went with the docs dosing. I let Ruth innocently feed me pills on time as prescribed. Hell and vomit continued.
MY turn! I got out my weekly pills planer box, read up on all meds, re-sorted, re dosed and restarted my own pain program. One week later I am taking less meds than most take for more minor injuries. My mind is clear and I am eating again. All things that got worse under doctor supervision.
I am still in a lot of pain. Much more than I want to be. But I am FACING it. It must be faced. Otherwise just hurry up and die already. Now that I finally am back to the simpler problem of Pain, perhaps I can make some progress.
As I said way up top of this post: "I have been climbing a lot lately...in my head." Still bed and chair ridden, I lie with my leg in the air. If I stand the pain hits me, I reach the wrong way...the same. So I find myself almost frozen, unmoving out of necessity for hours. Oddly, this is how you start to meditate, but usually in a more traditional uncomfortable position.
I find myself daydreaming a lot in my frozen positions. Otherwise it is too boring to bear. I climb past-climbs, find new ones. I have established several new routes ground up this week alone! Quality too, wish you could see them. But it is all in my head. That said, they seem today as real as any other memory of real routes past.
What's up with that?
If you hooked me up to a lie detector and asked me if the climbs and cliffs were real, it I did it, I would say yes. And the machine would believe me. That is how vivid some of these have been.
When I "return" to my chair, I notice changes in my pain, as if while I was gone my mind was also busy building pathways and programs for my new pain.
Trust me, I have not gone off the deep end here. I am just trying to get across some interesting stuff.
I hope that my pathways will clear further. I often visualize that I am following a young dear through tall grass over a landscape unknown to me. the deer is from here, though. It knows many ways around. So I follow the dear, and help widen the pathway with my footsteps, so later I can distinguish it again from the other game trails. I keep doing this until I map out a way to the place that can hold my pain for me. I am tired of it. Time to process it away...
Hope you get the point.
In other news:
Dad wrote: you would probably not have made it this far without Ruth For sure. When we talked last to our study coordinator at UCSF, she expressed amazement at Ruth too. According to the coordinator, many people in my situation are alone, or in denial, or with an ineffective, or in denial partner. She was impressed with the way Ruth and I are facing this head on, eyes open.
I would be dead now without Ruth because I would not ask for enough outside help. I would do it myself till I croaked. And I can't do a lot of things she does for me now. Besides that, Love buoys the weakest of souls. Gives them time to take another breath.
Terry wrote:Glad I can "stay in touch" through Supertopo posts. We talked a lot about yoga when we met. It might please you to know that I have continued to practice yoga and enjoy great benefits. I plan on practicing the rest of my life – and living a long, healthy and active life.
It was great meeting and speaking with you at Indian Creek. Still wish we had time to see your place. We think of you also. Live long and die quick, my friend,
Donini wrote:Hello to you and Ruth- hope to see you at some climbing venue this Spring.
If things shrink, I will climb real rock with you this year. Anywhere, when I can. Hi to you and Angela.
Vicky (?) Wrote:Thanks, Paul.
It's pretty easy if you just go to PayPal.com, click on 'Send Money' and follow the links. As Paul mentioned, you simply type in the email address to get the money sent.
Glad we can help Paul. Hope you're day is going well. OK Good explanation. The e mail she refers to is sticksandstones@cliffhanger.com. Enough begging now. If y'all can help, think of us from time to time.
Thank like crazy to even more donations! We feel like a pressure release valve has been opened. Cancer is expensive.
Hope you enjoyed my rambling today.
Off to put up a new route in my mind. I found it yesterday. Slightly overhanging, limestone with pockets. I think I can bolt it on lead to reach a thin crack. Otherwise i will dream of rap-bolting aid.
Mastering on, in my mind,
Paul
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Feb 17, 2011 - 02:46pm PT
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Yeah, I got it...hardly ramblings, perceptive insights they are and I believe very helpful for others in suffering or pain, regardless physical, mental, emotional or spiritual. Sitting here with my cuppa tea, the real winter type weather has returned to Santa Cruz.
I return tomorrow for chemo hoping my blood work is good to go. Got kicked outta the chemo lounge last week (geez I can still stir up a ruckus!)...well only because my WBCs too low.
Ruth is to you what Michael (Ferretlegger) is to me. Yeah I am a fiercely independent person too, and it's been a hard but rewarding lesson to learn when to surrender. I'm always scoping out that continuum between dangerous pig-headedness and gracious acceptance of another's care taking. Hard stuff.
Thinking always of you Paul...When I started reading your posts late summer I was very touched and moved by them. Little did I know two months later I would cling to them in hopes I could muster up even a fraction of the courage and perseverance you have shown. You have helped me. Hoping we can both get to J-Tree to support Doug.
Clinking the virutal tea mugs, Susan
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Jan
Mountain climber
Okinawa, Japan
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Feb 19, 2011 - 03:04pm PT
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I saw you posted on Go-b's thread so I'm glad you're up and on the computer. I really liked your interpretation of Job. It reminds me a lot of karma.
Take care.
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Pastor Dave
Social climber
Yucca Valley, CA
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Feb 19, 2011 - 05:42pm PT
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Hi Paul, I checked out your comments on Job on Go-b's thread. You are right on as usual....way below and above most "surface" interpretations.
Saw you posted EARLY in the moening. Don't want to call you and jar you out of one of your mental climbs. Your explanation of how our minds work is way above what most PHD'S can comprehend. When you or Ruth feel up to talking please give your old Dad a call. Just like to hear your voice(s). The R.V. ran great on our trip to Truth or Consequences New Mexico. It is ready to head North whenever you need me. Just call and I will come.
Love to you and Ruth from Dad and Marilyn.
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ontheedgeandscaredtodeath
Trad climber
San Francisco, Ca
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Feb 19, 2011 - 05:56pm PT
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Disaster,
Thought I'd post a couple of tree climbing photos- I know from your posts you used to do a lot of that. I used to work up in Northern California for the forest circus. Part of my job was climbing trees for various reasons, one of which was to catch bald eagle chicks so the biologists could examine them and put radio transmitters on them. The nests were often up in massive doug firs. The nests are big platforms that we would have to get underneath, grab the lip and mantle up into.
Here's a self portrait of me laying in a nest:
The nests were stinky, and smelled like rotting fish. Lots of bones and bits of flesh, etc.
Here is one of the eagle chicks. They can't fly yet, so the trick was to get up into the nest and carefully get a hand on their backs so they didn't jump while at the same time defending ourselves from beaks and talons. Then we'd bag them up and lower them down to the biologists. They would do their science stuff and then we'd haul the birds back up.
One time I hoisted myself into a nest and found two chicks!
They almost got the better of me, one of them put talon scratch marks down the length of my face. Totally frantic in the nest trying to catch two chicks at the same time. Fun stuff.
Anyway, I hope you are feeling well and wish you continued strength.
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JOEY.F
Social climber
sebastopol
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Feb 19, 2011 - 10:08pm PT
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Paul, great update, I do not know how how you manage to write so eloquelontly in that much pain.
The only thing for me that comes kinda close is one of those mega migraines. For hours, I would rather die. I go all tripping away while the pain thuds.
Sending a mental belay while you are head climbing.
OTEASTD, cool story and pics.
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Feb 20, 2011 - 08:19pm PT
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Hey Paul and Ruth...Hope your Sunday is going well. Small break from the storm here in Santa Cruz. I just woke up from a wonderful nap, brewed my cuppa tea and thinking of you ... hoping you are getting some peaceful rest. During my recovery I haven't been able to do Bikram yoga but discovered "restorative yoga" ohhhhhhhh it's been wonderful.
Are the new meds helping to shrink the tumor? I so hope so. With all my heart and soul. Susan
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okaythatsme
climber
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Feb 21, 2011 - 02:39pm PT
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We have some strong built-in survival mechanisms. I remember yours to be pretty innovative in adapting towards situations: from your sense of humor to your high tolerance towards pain and medications. None of us can fully fit into the "cookie cutter" assessments of those professionals who have only known us for a few minutes (or seconds).
Your climbs you have taken are as real as anything. I wish I could see them. Actually, I probably will see them in my dreams. One may not feel it, see it or sense it (the body can only do so much) but I believe we are all connected beyond our understanding. Strangely enough, but I remember your telling me a story of a climber looking at the crux and saying, "Here comes the pain..." and going for it. Get through that crux. I wish the pain to subside and for you to be following that deer to some exciting routes to explore. With love to you and Ruth.
-marcella
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Gal
Trad climber
a semi lucid consciousness
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Feb 21, 2011 - 02:45pm PT
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I hope your new trial meds are beginning to take hold and make a difference. You keep upping the ante with your writing-insightful, and I don't know how to describe this, but once I start reading, I read from beginning to end... engrossing is the word. Keep fighting, and keep writing-you have talent!
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Feb 21, 2011 - 04:08pm PT
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz Feb 17, 2011 - 11:46am PT
Yeah, I got it...hardly ramblings, perceptive insights they are and I believe very helpful for others in suffering or pain, regardless physical, mental, emotional or spiritual. Sitting here with my cuppa tea, the real winter type weather has returned to Santa Cruz.
Hope things are improving with you, S. I am sick of my life consisting of the 20 ft walk from the bed to the living room lounge chair. My universe needs to expand...
What is "restorative yoga" ?
JOEY.F, Gal, Jan Hi guys, thanks for posting.
Joe, do you still want to come by? I am feeling better than when you contacted me.
All the others who have sent help my way lately, thank you so much.
Pastor Dave
Social climber
Yucca Valley, CA Feb 19, 2011 - 02:42pm PT
Hi Paul, I checked out your comments on Job on Go-b's thread. You are right on as usual....way below and above most "surface" interpretations.
Saw you posted EARLY in the moening. Don't want to call you and jar you out of one of your mental climbs.
Good to get you (or me, rather) on the phone, Dad. We will see if I CAN TRAVEL W/ Ruth to the Yoga Nationals in L A. Might see you there, or here.
ontheedgeandscaredtodeath
Trad climber
San Francisco, Ca Feb 19, 2011 - 02:56pm PT
Disaster,
Thought I'd post a couple of tree climbing photos- I know from your posts you used to do a lot of that. I used to work up in Northern California for the forest circus. Part of my job was climbing trees for various reasons, one of which was to catch bald eagle chicks so the biologists could examine them and put radio transmitters on them.
Did you ever work with Jim Spickler, from Humboldt? He transplanted eagles from here to Alaska, as part of one of his jobs. I was working for him when I fell and broke my back.http://www.supertopo.com/tr/The-floating-forest-climbing-but-not-rock-by-Disaster-Master/t10846n.htmlandhttp://www.supertopo.com/tr/My-Up-And-Down-Life-Disaster-Master/t10807n.html
I remember your telling me a story of a climber looking at the crux and saying, "Here comes the pain..." and going for it. Get through that crux.
Yeah, that was Travis Kawin, of Redding, CA. We were at Eagle Peak on Mt. Lassen at a nice volcanic crag. He was repeting his route "7" 5.12 something. The crux is seven one finger pockets in a row.
At the entrance to the crux he sighed, then groweled like a heavy metal rock star "Here comes the PAIN!" Then he fired it.
Great guy. Good Route. It hurt. (I got six out of seven before winging.)
Down to patch pain-killers only, little or no oral opiates. More pain, but better than brain dead. I am hoping to see more reduction in tumor size. So far it seems to be slowing it down, but the largest tumor, the painfull one is stuborn.
On we go,
Paul
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Pastor Dave
Social climber
Yucca Valley, CA
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Feb 23, 2011 - 12:08am PT
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Paul and Ruth, you are both amazing! Looking forward to seeing you in L A or up there. If I drive up I decided I will leave Wed afternoon in the RV, Stop for some ZZZ's when I get tired and get to your place before Ruth has to leave. If you come with her to L A I will drive the RV in and camp out in the Hotel Parking Lot (or the nearest Wal-Mart if they kick me out). Really looking forward to some time together. Don't need to pick the location until Wed Morning March 2nd. KEEP CLIMBING! I am filling in for our Pastor this Sunday. Will share (I don't preach any more) "How to share your faith with a drinking cussing atheist." Just be glad I didn't bring you into this world when that was ME!
BTW You have an amazing group of friends too!
Love To Both of You from Dad and Marilyn.
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nature
climber
Hampi Karnataka India
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Feb 23, 2011 - 12:10am PT
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What is "restorative yoga" ?
Get yourself to an Anusara Yoga Studio and ask.
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Feb 23, 2011 - 05:35am PT
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"How to share your faith with a drinking cussing atheist." Just be glad I didn't bring you into this world when that was ME!
I've been everything except the absolute athiest. Bet you were still a lot of fun, back then, Dad. Some of my best friends are "drinking cussing atheist"(s). Mostly I just cuss a lot these days.
nature
climber
Hampi Karnataka India Feb 22, 2011 - 09:10pm PT
What is "restorative yoga" ?
Get yourself to an Anusara Yoga Studio and ask.
Nature,
A little harder than I thought to find in Santa Rosa, where we are now, believe it or not. At least it is not well advertised.
Would like to try it. Know of a home version?
Up w/ pain. All I do is lay around lately. As soon as I stand, the tumor hits a nerve bundle in my groin causing waaaay too much electric-like shafts of ouch.
Cancer is booooring tonight.
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neebee
Social climber
calif/texas
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Feb 23, 2011 - 05:45am PT
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hey there say, paul.... just rooting and praying for you (and ruth? i think this is your wife?) :) ...
*and hey there to susan,as she pops in there often, and thanks for sharing a bit of the santa cruz weather, too... :) ...
to both, paul, and to susan
may victories come, for you both, and may the good lord open new and better ways, too... keep listening to your bodies, and may you have your lives back in your own hands... let's pray, it leads to new strength...
god bless,
:)
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Feb 23, 2011 - 05:47am PT
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(and ruth? i think this is your wife?) :) ...
Close enough.
Thanks.
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yoginigirl
Social climber
Eureka
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Feb 23, 2011 - 05:49pm PT
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Paul ~ I am glad to hear that you took what the doctors had to say and formulated your own. You know what is best for yourself and it sounds like it is working. Mind over matter right? Last week we sent out a mass email through the studio and I put your Pay pal information in it so with any luck at all there will be some random acts of kindness. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't give thought and send love to you and Ruth. I have been going back to class more often except I have been sick and had to have a biopsy so I have been out for a bit. No results yet but I am sure everything is fine.
You and Ruth ARE Rockstars ~ A true example of strength and determination and will always, always, always be an inspiration to me. Keep up the good work.
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Gene
climber
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Feb 24, 2011 - 08:56pm PT
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Help me out here, DM.
I thought Pastor Dave was your Pop. Is Father Humphreys your Dad or Bro? Glad they came through OK.
g
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Feb 24, 2011 - 09:04pm PT
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Pastor Dave is my dad, a methodist.
Father Humphrey is my brother Nathan, and he is episcopalian.
And I am my own Grandpa.
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Gene
climber
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Feb 24, 2011 - 09:07pm PT
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LOL! I like mixed families.
Gene
(Brother of a nun)
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Feb 25, 2011 - 01:44am PT
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Jeff,
Got poked and prodded at UCSF today. Feels like I am treading water, everything looks about the same size for now that we can see. Got blood tested, biopsied 4 times, EKG, etc...
Lots of pain in the main groin tumor and right leg. If I could get that calmed down life would get productive. But I am stuck on my ass, litrally, with my leg in the air. Stir crazy might touch the emotion.
At least its raining, so less impules to get out.
Gene,
I'm ordained too, over the net. Have done a couple cerimonies. On the certificates I am the Irreverand Paul Humphrey, Church of the Rock. Really.
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Pastor Dave
Social climber
Yucca Valley, CA
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Feb 25, 2011 - 09:43am PT
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Paul: Do you remember when you were young and I was between churches I worked in construction and fell a measly 10 feet. All I got out of that was a broken thumb and a concussion. During that time I grew my beard which was a dark Van Dyke. Some of my more traditional Miister Friends called me the Sinnister Minnister. To your frieds who are confused by your whaky sense of humor, it came straight from My mother, to me to you! Remeber those great times when the three of us were togther? It was a real blast as we spontanously played off of each other. I am really looking forward to seeing you next week. Unless the pain falls way down I will ramble up your way in the old RV. (20' Dolphin 4 cylender Toyota, Stick shift, no AC 192,000 miles but still climbing the hills) As one of your friends said after meeting me "That's where you get it" to which we replied in perfect spontanious harmony: GET WHAT? So many great, funny memories. Hope I don't make you laugh so much it hurts. If you come to L A with Ruth I will see you there but 565 miles is NO PROBLEM!!!!!
Love YOU!
Dad
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rincon
Trad climber
SoCal
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Feb 25, 2011 - 09:57am PT
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Good luck to you Paul.
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Feb 25, 2011 - 11:55am PT
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Hi Paul. Thinking 'bout you. Storm is blasting down here in Santa Cruz...so like you it kinda neutralizes the desire to get out. Brewing my cuppa tea that I wish I was sharing with you for real. Got poked and prodded some more eh? Sounds like Rincon too. Sometimes I think that when I drink my tea my body will suddenly turn into a sieve. Hey I heard that since we have cancer we can't donate blood anymore. Cool I can cross that off my "I feel guilty about..." list! Here's to getting your pain under control! Susan
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Pastor Dave
Social climber
Yucca Valley, CA
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Feb 26, 2011 - 02:39pm PT
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Hi Paul, I decided to jump in and post a Trip Report Titled "My Spiritual Journey Through Life. You and your friends are welcome to check it out, No "Preaching" Arguing or Condemnation of others, just a place where we can share the spiritual experiences and lessons learned as we climb the biggest most challenging Rock of all: LIFE!
Love You, Hope you decide to stay put and let me drive up to spend some quality time with you. However, I know YOU will do what YOU want to do so if you want to make the trip to LA with Ruth I will see you There. I realized abot 39 years ago that all I can tell you is to "GO FOR IT"!!!
Marilyn joins me in sending our love and admiration to you and Ruth.
Proud to be your dad!
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bluering
Trad climber
Santa Clara, CA
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Feb 26, 2011 - 02:51pm PT
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Hang in there, Paul. We are pulling for you as well as praying.
Keep fighting, bro....
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JOEY.F
Social climber
sebastopol
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Feb 26, 2011 - 04:31pm PT
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Hi Paul, hope you're having a good day.
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Pastor Dave
Social climber
Yucca Valley, CA
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Feb 26, 2011 - 04:49pm PT
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WOW already have a lot of your friends jumping into my spiritual journy trip report. Love the discussion. Perhaps you can reassure your friends that I am not "preachy" or "churchy"
Dad
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neebee
Social climber
calif/texas
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Feb 26, 2011 - 06:44pm PT
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hey there say, disaster master...
just dropped by to see how you are doing... :)
got lots to do, so i am checking supertopo fast, this afternoon...
more SNOW OUTSIDE, wow, again... :O
*we had a bit of sun for two days, and some clearER sky after that,
so it tried to trick us into believing it was spring...
well, the neat thing about the good lord, is:
if good warm times start to move in our lives, he doesn't try to
trick us like ol' nature can throw a twist, as times...
he just finds new ways for the good warm times to incubate and grow better for us:
so here's to new green shoots of HEALTH to start growing in the midst of
your hard field at this point in life...
god bless...
:)
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Gal
Trad climber
a semi lucid consciousness
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Feb 26, 2011 - 07:41pm PT
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Hey Paul, how are you doing this weekend? Hope you're feeling better and doing some writing.
-C
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Pastor Dave
Social climber
Yucca Valley, CA
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Feb 27, 2011 - 09:31pm PT
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Paul you sure have a lot of great friends! can't hardly waite to see you. We are having some great conversations on the "spiritual trip report" I started. When you feel like it just click on my icon and you will find it.
Love again to you and Ruth from your Dad and Marilyn.
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Feb 27, 2011 - 09:56pm PT
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Hi all,
Well, it would be fun for me to give a blow by blow as to the last few days, but most of it involves obsessing over lumps in my belly and bowel movments. TMI already.
Today is Ruth's birthday! She is finally 18 so we don't have to live in hidding anymore. ;)
She got some gifts this year, and love them. So I am feeling like a good partner. Good thing I have the internet. Not moving well enough to window shop.
I can't figure out if I am getting better or worse. I am vomiting sometimes, and have pain still, especially standing. But not as bad. The lumps arn't bigger, but can't tell if they are shrinking or just morphing. They do that sometimes, change shape over the course of a day. Mutant wierdness...
I m bored. I want reief or a fight; not this seeming stalemate. Oh, well. Could be worse. I watched a program today about a woman who is a wolf biologist with brain cancer. They showed her interacting and tracking wolves, sometimes having to pause from pain from her illness. It made me prowd. It made me cry.
I want to be the Lance Armstrong of Melanoma. I want to be the one who comes back better and make a change. But it is a long climb, and it is getting dark again. Always this need, this stupid beligerant need to proceed. I've met those who do not possess it. And it sadens me. I do not want to see people failing to try. When will folks figure it out that to try as hard as you can IS to win. First, second, third, are only measurments of a moment in time. They have nothing to do with you , with your win through effort.
Will I be overcome by random clusters of biligerant cells? No, just eaten too soon. I still want to figure more out...before the battries die in the processor.
I wish only to continue in a comprehensible way, and not loose the insites learned. Various religions claim the way to this, yet it is all conjecture untill experienced. I have lost poems on this computor by hitting the wrong key. That data was emotion in letters that I can never recreate, only simulate. Is my present conciousness thus? On, off? Or will it remain...
Tripping,
Paul
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Omot
Trad climber
The here and now
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Feb 27, 2011 - 10:34pm PT
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Hi Paul,
Thanks for sharing all that you are going through. You're very courageous and very inspiring to all of us. Of course, life is difficult in the best of circumstances, but It is especially difficult for people going through illness like yourself. That you handle this challenge with such a upbeat attitude is testament to your inner strength and the peace within you. And that's the only way you can approach the challenges of your illness with any chance of success.
I'm just back from visiting my mother on the east coast. She was recently diagnosed with primary peritoneal cancer (lining of the abdomenal cavity) and is now in hospice after trying chemo, which very nearly killed her. At 86, she's just too frail to go through the chemical warfare that is chemo, and she has now recognized and accepted that her passage is imminent. She is not afraid to die, and is at peace with herself, with her God, and with the world. That's also very inspiring to me.
To die slowly does suck, but it also gives one time to make right all that needs to made right and say one's last goodbyes. I'm saddened that my mom has to go through months of pain, but grateful that she has had time to be with loved ones and say "I love you" one last time. That means more to me than anything.
I wish the same to you and your loved ones (but really hope you pull through so you can do it again when you're 86!).
All the best,
Tomo
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Fritz
Trad climber
Choss Creek, ID
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Feb 27, 2011 - 10:45pm PT
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Paul: I have not posted lately on this thread. I continue to wish you the best. I am impressed with your epic fight with Melanoma.
It makes my two recent Basal cell cancers, and the upcoming surgery, feel trivial in comparison with your suffering.
Fight on dude!
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yoginigirl
Social climber
Eureka
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Feb 28, 2011 - 01:07am PT
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Hey Paul ~ Tell Ruth I say "Happy Birthday"
So glad to hear you get to spend some time with your Dad, wish I could meet him, he always did sound like the coolest Dad ever. He definitely raised one hell of a son. Strong willed and full of piss and vinegar.
Here is to feeling better and smaller tumors,,, oh,,, check it out
http://bikramyogahumboldt.sports.officelive.com/default.aspx ~ I made a website, (check out news and announcements) if you don't like it let me know I will change it.
Peace, love and light
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Feb 28, 2011 - 01:27am PT
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Hi Paul, sitting here with my cuppa tea...seems like I always have one near by....and wishin' I were sitting next to you and sharing it. Thanks for your thoughts. Susan
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Jan
Mountain climber
Okinawa, Japan
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Feb 28, 2011 - 02:03am PT
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And Yes,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO RUTH !!!
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Gene
climber
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Feb 28, 2011 - 06:55pm PT
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Hi Paul,
Just a random 'thinking about you' note cuz, well, I'm thinking about you and the birthday gal.
Take care, my yet-to-meet friend,
Gene
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Zache
Social climber
Arcata, ca
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Thinkin about you Paul. This is Zach from Humboldt. Climbed up at Footsteps the other week. Lots of fun, osteoporosis , Radical Mouse Movement, what great routes and what a crazy peaceful place.
Also in other news, got permission from patricks point to rebolt some routes!
I hope those doctors are figuring out your pain.
Wish I could be there with ya.
-Zach (fellow P.K.)
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Bad Climber
climber
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Paul: We've never met, but you've inspired me no end. Keep sluggin'.
BAd
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Mar 7, 2011 - 12:45pm PT
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Zack wrote:
Also in other news, got permission from patricks point to rebolt some routes!
That is great news! I tried hard to. Then did a bunch undercover when they said no back in the day. What routes? Clean up / finish the OP Wall. If / When I feel better I want to put a route up with you at Marble Caves I have scoped for years. I keep dreaming about it. I got a new hammer. Grab your drill! If you keep doing these re-bolt and new route projects, I'll have to give you one of my D5 hammers as a thank you gift...
Hi all. Here at my home with Dad. We are both typing away on ST now. What a visit. ;)
I am very nauseous lately again. Everything seems on hold or in slow motion. This does not fit my style. I am weak and tired, but not dieing quickly anymore. But now I would like to get a life I enjoy, not a shut in's.
Ruth is in LA at a Yoga Competition. Lonely. Dad's OK, but....
I'll see her again soon, though.
On we go,
Paul
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Mar 7, 2011 - 12:57pm PT
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Thinkin about you Paul. This is Zach from Humboldt. Climbed up at Footsteps the other week. Lots of fun, osteoporosis , Radical Mouse Movement, what great routes and what a crazy peaceful place.
Here's what Zack's talking about. An old climbing area over the sea. Some of my first FFA's. ON TOPIC STUFF, EVEN. OMG!
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Hi Paul, I just sat down, with a cuppa of tea no less and was thinking about you...and whaddya know...you had recently posted some beautiful pics. Those climbs over the coast, well spectacular! I'm sorry you are "shut in" at the moment. Hopefully that will pass and you'll get some outside time soon.
Saw the thread your Dad started. So many times I started to post and then I would get confused because I don't know what my spiritual life is now all about since my cancer DX. Before it was rocks and ocean and sun and rain; while I was always introspective it was in relation to the world. It never occurred to me my health would get so seriously compromised (boy, do I know you can relate to that one). I assumed (I guess like everyone else) I would just grow old and fade off into the sunset or get swept overboard when we are out to sea. Next time we see each other I'd love to talk to you about the confusion/acceptance/fight/surrender/pissed off ... well you get it; the jangle of emotions that comes with this DX.
Sipping my tea...sharing it virtually with you... Susan
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Pastor Dave
Social climber
Yucca Valley, CA
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Hanging out with Paul has been mostly mellow, Hard to see him in Pain, and feel his anger/frustration just can't do anything accept to keep quiet and let him deal with it in his own sometimes explosive way which seems to be just what he needs me to do. It is easy to say "I wish I could transfere his disease and pain to me" because I know I can't! The REAL TRUTH is that I could not wish what he is going through on myself or anyone else even if it could "cure him"....hmmmm...well there are a couple of people.... no, better not go there. Appreciate the hesitency some have expressed about posting on my trip report: Please don't hold back just let the words and emotions tumble out that's what I want that thread to be.... a safe place to look at my own emotions and beliefs and to learn from others.
Guess we are just two lonley men wanting to be back in the company of the wonderful women who love and accept us so unconditionally... Two VERY LUCKY/BLESSED/FORTUNATE/GOT MORE GOOD THAN WE DESERVED/ GUYS. Here they are in a picture from our visit last July
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Iclimb5.1
climber
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Hey Paul,
Just popping in to say hi. Hoping you're having a good day pain/nausea/stir-crazy wise. Glad your dad is there to keep you company while Ruth is gone. He sounds awesome.
Cheers to you, Pastor Dave.
Good to see you posting Paul.
Vicky
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okaythatsme
climber
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Hi Paul,
Wishing you a good day, less nausea and more energy. Thought you may enjoy looking at this website, http://playingforchange.com/ where musicians from all over the world are recorded into a beautiful united chorus of voices and instruments. It's wonderful.
with love, marcella
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Pastor Dave
Social climber
Yucca Valley, CA
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Mar 11, 2011 - 09:13pm PT
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Hi Paul, How did your latest Dr. visit go? Hope you feel up to posting an up-date soon. We are all hoping for some good news but will settle for a few words good or bad. I am sure all your friends join me in "hatting" this cancer.
BTW, I had my hearing checked. As you know I had to keep turning up the TV while I was there and I was saying to Marilyn: "I can't hear you" way to often. I will get my new hearing aids next week. Then I will be totally out of excuses. Wish it was that simple for you.
Love to you and Ruth I am here (on line or on the cell phone) anytime either of you wnt/need to talk.
Love you both
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Mar 12, 2011 - 03:03pm PT
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Hi Paul, Sitting here with my cuppa. Thinking of you. Had my last chemo yesterday...thought of you alot and all you've been through and how much your sharing with me meant during this time. I wished and wished and prayed and hoped that you will soon be on the uptick. I'm feeling pretty good and feel cheated that you are not. That bothers me greatly because you are so young. Susan
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Mar 12, 2011 - 03:42pm PT
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Just wrote a long reply. The internet ate it! Pissed now. I will do it again later.
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urasenke13
climber
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Mar 13, 2011 - 05:34pm PT
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Hey Buddy.
Planning a trip up north in April, 14th-23rd. I would love to see you if it works out, either on the way up or on the way back, whichever works out best for you. No need to make plans or anything. Just keep it in mind and we will see how it goes.
Much Love!
Nolan
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stilltrying
Trad climber
washington indiana
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Mar 14, 2011 - 02:20pm PT
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Hey Paul, hope you are doing better today and just wanted to drop you a note. Last Wednesday I tried my first yoga class. I really enjoyed it and it is obvious I need to do it often. It was only four girls and myself. It was at lunch time where I work so i gave it a go. Pretty hilarious. I am 5'10" and a solid 235 lbs. The girls were all 5'1" and flexible. While trying to hold myself up with one arm with the other arm pointing up (sort of sideways) I fell through the adjacent doors next to me :) Anyway I thought about you a lot during the workout and how graceful and strong you must be to hit some of those positions in your photos. Flexible I will never be but I will work on it. Take care.
Mike T.
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Pastor Dave
Social climber
Yucca Valley, CA
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Mar 15, 2011 - 12:25pm PT
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Hi Paul, understand your frustration from having your long post "eaten" by the internet but hope you feel up to posting about your latest visit to the Dr. soon. I am always concerned when you aren't writing, especially since you got me started with sharing my journey on my "trip" thread. BTW I just posted the story of how Terri walked into our lives so many years ago. Would love to have you add any comments, positive or negative, about how you felt about that unexpected addition to our family. It has taken me a long time to sort out my own feelings about a lot of the events in our years together in our unique? ( don't know the best discriptive words)family. The same goes for your brother and sister. they too are welcome to jump in with their memories of those tumultuous years of your/their "childhood". Somehow it seems easier to share some things in this environment.
Love to you and Ruth
Dad
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Jan
Mountain climber
Okinawa, Japan
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Mar 15, 2011 - 12:28pm PT
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Three days now with no news from Paul.
I've been so taken up by events in Japan , I didn't realize it had been that long.
We definitely could use some disaster masters over here about now!
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Mar 15, 2011 - 03:08pm PT
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OK. Last time I tried to post, the net ate it. I have been off line a bit. When there is no change there is no sense in talking about it. This is a climbing site, and all I have to offer sounds like a geriatric ward...talk of bowels and appitite and TV.
I seeem to have been stagnant lately, both inside and out. Ever since the hospitalization my gut has been on the blink. Just last night I finally felt half human again. It has been a month of vomit and tears; swearing and fits. I feel like a tired man half way through a marathon. You have got to be kidding me...I'm not done?!
Any more info would be TMI, but suffice it to say I am battling my gut, attempting to regulate. Today I felt the absence of a few lumps I felt in my abdomen for the past month. I thought they were tumors, but it turns out they were likey lodged waste. I have thrown up nearly daily for the last month. Today, I feel a bit better.
I could continue to whine, but that's enough.
More later, Pal.
(Jan, Thank you for your gift.)
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Mar 15, 2011 - 03:12pm PT
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Oh, yeah. The UCSF visits went OK. I am still on the program. The Tumors have stopped growing. But the big one is still a problem. they think I might need surgery for it. But that might make me inelligible for the drugs I need!@?
So, for now it is regulate my gut, hope the groin tumor shrinks and then...????
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graniteclimber
Trad climber
The Illuminati -- S.P.E.C.T.R.E. Division
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Mar 15, 2011 - 03:35pm PT
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This is a climbing site, and all I have to offer sounds like a geriatric ward...talk of bowels and appitite and TV.
You should not feel that way. This is a climber'S forum (not a climbing forum) and you are a climber, so anything that you post is ON TOPIC--and more interesting then most of the posts here. Also, I watch for your posts and when you do not post I worry.
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okaythatsme
climber
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Mar 15, 2011 - 06:28pm PT
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This is your connection and part of your outlet. Your words offer much to all of us. Please don't feel self-conscious about writing whatever is on your mind.
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SteveW
Trad climber
The state of confusion
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Mar 15, 2011 - 06:32pm PT
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We're pulling for you Paul. Keep fighting!!!
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Jaybro
Social climber
Wolf City, Wyoming
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Mar 15, 2011 - 06:35pm PT
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Shake out, breathe, and stay on belay!
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Brian
climber
California
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Mar 15, 2011 - 06:55pm PT
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This is your connection and part of your outlet. Your words offer much to all of us. Please don't feel self-conscious about writing whatever is on your mind.
Hear! Hear!
We're pulling for you Paul. Keep fighting!!!
Ditto.
All the best,
Brian
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neebee
Social climber
calif/texas
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Mar 15, 2011 - 06:59pm PT
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hey there say, disaster master... just stepping in, too, to see how you are faring, in the ol' sea of trouble that you have been in...
may the "gulf of better fishing" etc, be yours soon... and may you enjoy the joys of "catching" up on life, for the days you have missed and "hammered by bad waves" ...
god bless to you!
:)
thanks for popping up here, now, so we know how you are...
:)
edit:
ooooopppps, :O i have suddenly turned you into a sailor, instead of a climber....
hmmmm, climb that mast, and set your sites on some good stable land to climb onto and hug for new-land-to-love joy...
there, is that better, ;)
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JOEY.F
Gym climber
It's not rocket surgery
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Mar 15, 2011 - 07:20pm PT
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Hi Paul!
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Pastor Dave
Social climber
Yucca Valley, CA
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Mar 17, 2011 - 02:12pm PT
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Paul and Ruth: Here is the link to the Wilshire Oncology Clinic I emailed to you.
PAUL: Keep Climbing! You have never allowed a fall to stop you from going back and trying it again and agin and again.... YOU ARE THE MASTER OF ALL DISASTERS! We all believe in you, KEEP FIGHTING! Get out of the house do some Yoga, hit a climbimg wall, Remember who YOU ARE!
Love You!
Dad, AKA Coach and Motivator.
AKA Pastor Dave
AKA Biggest fan
Check out:
http://professional.womgi.com/cancer-news/
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Mar 17, 2011 - 02:27pm PT
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Hi Paul, Thinking of you..drinking my cuppa tea, had my post chemo scan yesterday. Won't know the results until the 25th. Anxiety tick tock clock. So it goes, Susan
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Mar 18, 2011 - 07:44pm PT
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PAUL: Keep Climbing! You have never allowed a fall to stop you from going back and trying it again and agin and again....
True. But I am TIRED! When I can't eat when I want to and can't sh#t when I need to and everything hurts, a second wind is hard to get. Especially in between bouts of vomit.
I am very down. I never stay down. But while in it, it often seems quite complete and assured that hell is all there is left. And I am loud, never one to hold anything in. So I feel like a black squall and must simply let myself blow out eventually.
I would love to go for a walk or climb, but the fear of spontanious upset stomach and major fatigue make the walk across the trailer seem long and hardly worth the effort.
None the less, I must try again. VERY hard to motivate now. I wanted to make it to J-Tree in a couple weeks, but health may not allow it.
I have been invited to give a presentation for the local climbing club in Santa Rosa, CA in a month and a half. I hope I can keep it together enough to pull something good off. Things like this should be simple. They were fun and exciting in the past for me. Now every little thing in life seems an effort, a gamble, or a big unknown.
My disease is confusing me. It seems that the meds have just slowed down the dying instead of heading towards a meaningfull level of living. We will see.
In my darkest moments I think I don't wan't this kind of life, but would likely screw up trying to end it myself anyway. So...no choice. On I go, f*#king hating it more times than not. So dissapointed about the slaps and kicks I have received over the last # of years.
On I go, damn it,
Paul
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Pastor Dave
Social climber
Yucca Valley, CA
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Mar 18, 2011 - 11:37pm PT
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Paul, I know you are working hard at getting your mental focus and YOU WILL SUCCEED! The talk in six weeks may help you focus. By then we hope/pray for encouraging progress in the next complete Scan. Praying that the Doctors can do something about the tumor. Anger is not bad, even Jesus got angry!
Rooting you ON!
Dad
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hooblie
climber
from where the anecdotes roam
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Mar 18, 2011 - 11:41pm PT
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I hope I can keep it together enough to pull something good off.
a very close partner of mine passed as a result of bile duct cancer. many lessons were shared in our halcyon days,
i think even more so during his last six months. he had many friends in his community
but he narrowed his world to the few of us he allowed to care for him.
you can be certain that sharing with us, and just letting us be with you
on whatever level, in whatever setting is a very good thing for all.
the best kind of win is with eyes wide open
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TeleMele
climber
Hood RIver, OR
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Mar 19, 2011 - 03:08am PT
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A miracle is simply a shift in perception from thoughts of fear to thoughts of love.
Sending miracles your way Paul! Saw that quote on the "crazy sexy cancer" website and thought of you... (She's got a great website and book if you need food ideas or inspiration, feminine though it may be ;)
Lightness and strength and healing and climbing and giving talks and smiles with friends are all on my mind for you. You've still got this, rock star! Give me a call anytime if you want to shout about it! :)
All the best,
Melanie
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neebee
Social climber
calif/texas
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Mar 19, 2011 - 04:38am PT
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hey there say, paul and ruth... just saying hey there to you this eve...
your are not forgotten... :)
hoping for a little bit of smiles to come your way, through the storm...
:)
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Maysho
climber
Soda Springs, CA
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Mar 19, 2011 - 09:38am PT
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Hey Paul,
Been thinking of you, I was just up in your home area leading 14 high school students through the "adventures in restoration" course. Working in the Mattole, kayaking in the bay. We got shut down by rain the day we wanted to climb at Carruthers cove, but the hike up Fern Canyon was incredible and the kids loved it. Weren't you the one who put in the anchors at Carruthers? Awesome place for an easy slab.
Wishing a shift to less suffering for you, you are an inspiration...
Peter
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Mar 19, 2011 - 11:42am PT
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Weren't you the one who put in the anchors at Carruthers? Awesome place for an easy slab.
Yes, with Adam W. Hardly anyone goes there. I don't know why. The place is a double Moonstone Beach size area with a less than a mile walk from your car. The beach is deserted, there are ELK.
We would have routed the place out years ago, but we did not want rusting bolts there. So we have waited for better hardware...
The top-rope bolts seemed worth it. (How are they holding up?) That slab is bigger than Karen rock.
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Jobee
Social climber
El Portal Ca.
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Mar 19, 2011 - 01:35pm PT
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Thinking of you Paul, please keep posting!
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Mar 19, 2011 - 02:16pm PT
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Hey Paul, I hate hearing you are struggling. Do any of the patch medications help without making you fuzzy brained? Going to brew my tea now, sharing it with you always. Susan
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Mighty Hiker
climber
Vancouver, B.C.
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Mar 19, 2011 - 02:29pm PT
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Perhaps Chris or Greg could change the title of this thread to "Magnificent Melanoma Survivors Who Climb". It seems appropriate.
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Maysho
climber
Soda Springs, CA
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Mar 19, 2011 - 03:25pm PT
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Great shots Paul, TFPU!
I would like to use one to show the kids next year if that is okay with you? Last year the bolts seemed okay, didn't walk down there this trip as it was pouring. We had a great time last year, had a couple of students who were skilled enough to do the left hand route, everyone else had fun on the far right.
I hope to explore more of those areas you developed, Marble, Forks of the Salmon etc. and of course get back to Burnt Ranch and Lost Rocks, your legacy of North Coast new routing is very proud!
Peter
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Mar 19, 2011 - 03:26pm PT
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"Magnificent Melanoma Survivors Who Climb"
Ain't that a fact!
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yllw2lip
climber
Orange, CA
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Mar 21, 2011 - 01:31am PT
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Hey there big brother... thinking of you often and praying for you often. I put your name in the church prayer letter every week. I know lots of people are praying for you and for the tumors to completely go away and for a full on miracle. I have hope that things will get better for you. I hate that you are in pain and far enough away for me to not be able to just hop in a car and visit for a few hours. With the two kiddos and a husband that is gone for several weeks at a time you know how that is. But if you ever said the word... "Come NOW!" believe you me that I would find a way to get to you ASAP!!
I hope to see you in the near future, whether you come out this way to climb in J-tree or if we get a chance to make a trip to see you. I miss you and love you. Katie still talks of you and Ruth fondly and I know she would love to hang out with you again, even if its just watching climbs on you-tube... she loved doing that with you. haha.
Lots of love and prayers are being sent your way from me constantly, truly.
xxooxxoo,
Your lil' sis
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Mungeclimber
Trad climber
sorry, just posting out loud.
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Mar 21, 2011 - 01:54am PT
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Carruther's looks cool.
"dissapointed about the slaps and kicks I have received over the last # of years"
understandable. more power to you in laughing at the absurdity.
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ncrockclimber
climber
NC
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Mar 21, 2011 - 11:40am PT
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I know we have never met, but you are in my thoughts.
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SteveW
Trad climber
The state of confusion
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Mar 24, 2011 - 02:25pm PT
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Hey Paul
How're you doing? Haven't heard from you recently,
and you're in my thoughts.
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JOEY.F
Gym climber
It's not rocket surgery
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Mar 24, 2011 - 05:16pm PT
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Yes, it's been a few days, how you doin' ?
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okaythatsme
climber
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Mar 25, 2011 - 01:44pm PT
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Hi Paul,
Checking to see how this week has been and hoping it has been okay.
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zeta
Trad climber
Berkeley
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Mar 25, 2011 - 03:25pm PT
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hey Paul,
i've never met you, but have been following this thread closely. How are you doing?
This was on the front page of the NYT and I thought of you...
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/03/26/business/26drug.html?hp
stay strong, be well, and look forward to news,
Jen
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Mar 25, 2011 - 03:54pm PT
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Paul here.
I am still alive. My system is not functioning properly, though. So most hours are spent dealing with nausea, constipation, and fatigue. Whoo-hoo!
As such, I have been reluctant to say "Hi. I can't sh#t. What did you climb today?" ;)
My life sounds like a whining Dead Milkmen punk album... Angry, funny, profane and pointless.
Things have been tense. I have had no fuse. I am either off or raging. It is too much for anyone to take long term. I realized last week that I did not want to live like this. But if I died I would be very dissapointed with myself for going out in such a destructive mood. This train of thought was confirmed ealy in the AM one morning when Ruth told me to "Check my head. Quick!"
Years ago I established a climb called "Put UP or Shut Up!" I made that my mantra for the next couple days. Mostly I shut up.
At first she was more confused, perhaps thinking I was giving her the silent treatment. But I tried to explain, and now a few days later my anger is just an occasional eruption, not a constant gale.
We talked about what I had to look forward to. It was her birthday and valentine's day last month. I spent all my saved gift $ on her. I had also found a pair of climbing shoes I need that fit my ravaged feet real good on sale, but passed to get her things. When she found out she said I should get the shoes. After all, dieing dudes don't by shoes. They're on the way. She sent back part of her B-day gift to help pay for them.
I had hoped to use these new shoes at J-Tree in a week or so at the big party.http://www.supertopo.com/climbers-forum/1412917/Spring-Josh-Party-and-Flanders-Fundraiser But I do not think I will be up to it yet. Even if I was, we are too poor and I have Doc and scans the Monday after. That would mean party and then drive back to SF to be poked and irradited the next day....?
If no J-Tree then the next motivator is an invitation to speak at the Santa Rosa climbing club in a month.http://rockicemountain.org/ I can talk. I just need more photos of Humboldt, friends, old stuff, for eye candy. Anyone have anything to send me?
More later,
ME
EDIT:
Fattrad,
We are well awear of Ippi. It was the treatment I was thinking about before trying the MEK inhibitor I am now on. If this fails. Ippi. may be my next / last course of action. One thing is the big groin tumor must go soon. So if I am kicked off my curent treatment, I must decide BETWEEN ippi. and surgury. This is because of the dread word PROTOCOL...
Thank you to everyone who has given $ to Paypal, art, letters of support, prayers, chants, and whatever else has been sent and received. I am sorry if personal thanks slipped through the cracks. You ARE appreciated and have blessed Ruth and I.
God, without Ruth I would be dead by now. And without the support of ALL the rest of you, we would both be even more worn out.
Peace and Love.
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graniteclimber
Trad climber
The Illuminati -- S.P.E.C.T.R.E. Division
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Mar 25, 2011 - 05:46pm PT
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I must decide BETWEEN ippi. and surgury. This is because of the dread word PROTOCOL...
Anyway you can do both? Promise the ippi folk you won't get surgery, get an ippi supply and then run out and get the surgery done. F*#k their "PROTOCOL."
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Mar 25, 2011 - 09:12pm PT
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Does not work that way... If only.
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nature
climber
Mysore Karnataka India
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Mar 25, 2011 - 09:59pm PT
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sorry about the poor quality. I left humboldt before they invented digital cameras.
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neebee
Social climber
calif/texas
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Mar 25, 2011 - 10:09pm PT
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hey there paul, say, just thinking about you ...
say, also, i am sending you an email, so take a look out for it...
god bless...
:)
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Pastor Dave
Social climber
Yucca Valley, CA
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Mar 26, 2011 - 11:33am PT
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God, without Ruth I would be dead by now. And without the support of ALL the rest of you, we would both be even more worn out.
Hi Paul Glad to see you are working at containing the volcano within. You certainly have every "right' to be angry but you also have a responsibility to try to make life bearable for that WONDERFUL woman who has chosen to let you live with her. Living with you has always been a challenge for all of us but your incredible energy, drive and determination makes it more than worthwhile. As I look back at the years I was the "Primary Parent" due to your mother's problems, I seem to have instinctivly realized that trying to make you conform to other people's idea as to how a "preacher's kid" should "behave" would not end well... so I took you to the mountains and let you work off all that energy and frustration on relativly undistrctable rocks.
Since spending some time with you I have felt an incredible empathy for your frustration. Being unable to deal with your frustrations PHYSICALLY (because of the pain that accompanies any physical activity) is the WORST part of your battle with this cruel disease. I DO NOT believe that what you are experiencing is any kind of "punnishment" NOBODY "deserves" to be tormented this way. However, the lives of great men and women throughout history teach us that pain and suffering can refine and develop strength of charater and other posative aspects of our lives. I would love to share with you how this works, but frankly, I probably know LESS about this process than you.
I think it is your incredibly open and frank sharing of your struggles that has brought so many friends and "strangers" you have never met to this site. It is the raw, honest, profane, nothing held back openness that we all admire and would like to emulate. I join others in urging you to continue posting even though you may feel you have already said some of these things a hundred times. When you write we all know that you are ALIVE! My hope and prayer is that THAT FLAME WILL NEVER BE EXTINGUISHED!
To say I LOVE AND ADMIRE YOU AND RUTH seems so trite and inadequate but I DO and so do so many others. You are the champ! The Master of all Disasters!!!!
Dad
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Zache
Social climber
Arcata, ca
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Mar 26, 2011 - 06:30pm PT
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Thanks for the pics of Footsteps and Carruthers. We have been climbing carruthers a bit actually, some good bouldering there. I havent tried the bolted slabs yet but they look like quality rock.
Gonna try and find some time to rebolt some stuff at Patrick's point. I want to finish off the bolting of the PO wall. There is definetely some good stuff there. Whale nation continuation..
talking to Eric, he suggested to replace sketchy pitons on the Sea stack by wedding rock (not the low tide crack stack but the other). This would open up 2-3 routes there. I need a really rusty route that would look good with before and after pictures. I want to show them how it would make a safer difference.
Speaking of which, I noticed some rusty thing around the corner of the po wall going up some headwall of some sort. This is above the super-polished rock around the corner from the po wall. It is not indicated in the guide and looks very sketch but otherwise like a good climb. Do you know what I am talking about?
The park is asking me to let them know when I am going to be in the park and pictures before and after of the rebolting.
Now I need to buy some glue-in bolts and also to find time between the rain and working to get there.
Its been a very wet spring...
take care,
Zach
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nature
climber
Mysore Karnataka India
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Mar 26, 2011 - 11:37pm PT
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which way around the corner from the po wall?
I might have some history for you on that area.
finishing whale nation continuation would be a good idea.
That was the last project we worked on bolting before the park busted us (oh so many years ago).
I'm glad to see they are cooperating. Actually, I know from speaking with Eric a few years back they started that trend 10 years ago or so. In the early 90's that wasn't the case.
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Mar 27, 2011 - 12:01pm PT
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Woohoo, climbing talk!
OK:
talking to Eric, he suggested to replace sketchy pitons on the Sea stack by wedding rock (not the low tide crack stack but the other). This would open up 2-3 routes there. I need a really rusty route that would look good with before and after pictures. I want to show them how it would make a safer difference.
Speaking of which, I noticed some rusty thing around the corner of the po wall going up some headwall of some sort. This is above the super-polished rock around the corner from the po wall. It is not indicated in the guide and looks very sketch but otherwise like a good climb. Do you know what I am talking about?
The Sea Stack routes are called "Nautilus" and "Sea Wolf" in the Bigfoot guides. The original names are unknown. They protect with dusty rusty pins and 1/4 " bolts. The seaward stack is the only formation I did not replace anchors on. IT NEEDS it. THose wouls be fantastic adventure pinicle climbs. Do you have the Patrick's Point Guide from the 1970s? Here it is:http://www.supertopo.com/climbers-forum/1332204/Patricks-Point-SP-Climbing-guide-from-early-1970s-Humboldt
The slick wall around the corner to the right of the PO wal is a good climb. It was closed by the park because there is a shell Midden below it. Tom Ogden knows all about that route (He has climbed it more than most)
Patrick's Point desparatly needs an update/ better guide info. We never filled it in much in the BCC guides. Another resource is this link:http://www.supertopo.com/climbers-forum/1200612/Scattered-Humboldt-County-climbers-where-are-you-now You should e-mail some of those guys, Zack.
Doug, is this pic at Ossagon? Do you have info. on the history there?
Cancer Talk:
I am still pretty down and hurting. But today my digestive tract decided to work on its own for the first time in weeks, so that's good... I do not think I will make it to J-Tree next week. No money, no energy, and I have to get scanned in SF the day afterthe planned party. Oh, well. I have sworn that I will at least go to the gym with my new climbing shoes and pull on something. It is that or go completely mad.
Ruth and I are more chilled out now. One thing about being forced to do nothing, go internal; it teaches you to be still, at least a bit. (How was that for a sentence?) But calmer does not equal happier. I am still working on that.
C-Ya,
Paul
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nature
climber
Kovalum Kerala India
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Mar 27, 2011 - 12:37pm PT
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Doug, is this pic at Ossagon?
Uh.... If I told you I'd have to kill you. And all things considered you sorta have enough of a battle on your hands with that.
yeah, that's Ossagon. I know nothing of the history. As I'm sure you are well aware "we" don't talk about that place to many much less publish it. If you find it - good for you. If not, well... your life coulda been bettah! ;-)
The real prize is who is the climber in that pict? I'll give "you" a hint - he was at SushiFest IV:XX - the first one. And it's not Piton Ron! (Sooze would have an easy time with this one!)
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Iclimb5.1
climber
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Mar 28, 2011 - 02:30pm PT
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Hey Paul,
I'll look for more Humboldt pics. Like I said, I have a VHS video...I could mail it but can't post it 'cause it's old technology. Wish I had one of those cool machines that copies VHS to DVD!
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Mar 30, 2011 - 12:30pm PT
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Paul here.
Feeling real bummed Ruth and I will miss the party and meeting many of you in J-Tree. No road trip for now. I even found comfortable climbing shoes on sale. They are staring at me from across the room with a "what the heck?" look.
In a way, it is rediculous to think of climbing now. I am a skeleton. I don't like to shower, since it means seeing myself in the mirror. Where did I go? When sitting I can motivate to get on it. Upon standing, the reality of gravity takes over...a lot of effort.
The plan is /was to get to the climbing gym tonight. But that might last all of 5 minutes. Is it worth the try? I know doing nothing won't make me strong. But am I actually so ill that too much effort will just make me crash further? Walking a block seems an effort.
The worst is the nausea, for sure. I have hurled nearly dayly for TWO MONTHS now. THat's enough to drive anyone mad. It f*#ks with my head, makes me hesitant to venture out away from the safty of my barf bucket.
Eating is a chore. Only half stays down, and the other half is nearly force fed due to no appitite. And on and on...
Arn't you glad you clicked to get updated? Happy to lighten your day.
IF I can settle the tummy, I will drag myself outside, and then to the gym to try the new shoes. I am scared. Scared! Rediculous! I guess this is what an abuse or rape victem feels like in a way; this sense of dread that the next moment or decision will turn out just as bad as the ones of memory. Cancer PTSD.
On the plus list:
-Ruth's still here and working her ass off to feed and house us both. She still tries no matter how down my attitude becomes.
-I am still at home and coherant enough to write this.
-I have a speech / show invite in a month to prepare for.
-It stopped raining!
I must realize that I am already bigger than my problems, that I am capable of the scary yet mundane. Yet my mind is still too raw and prone to cower rather than cope. I hate that.
If I am to try to live, I need to realize that the things about life I feel inadequate at can be mastered. I must slay a few phobias and put aside behavior which has prooved unhelpful.
Simple to say, harder to believe, and a challenge to change.
OOOhh, my gut hurts. I just want to be a real boy again...
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JOEY.F
Gym climber
It's not rocket surgery
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Mar 30, 2011 - 01:29pm PT
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Hi Paul, I'll pick you up and we can go to the gym. Call me 707 291 8398. (if you want)
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Mar 30, 2011 - 01:47pm PT
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Joey,
Thanks. It won't be until this evening, I think. Ruth is working. When she gets home I will see if she wants to go or not. Might just meet you there. Do you have a regular time you show up?
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JOEY.F
Gym climber
It's not rocket surgery
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Mar 30, 2011 - 01:52pm PT
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Erand running in Santa Rosa, so going pretty soon today if you want to go earlier.
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nita
Social climber
chica from chico..waiting on spring days..
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Mar 30, 2011 - 01:57pm PT
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Paul, I'm so sorry that you are suffering, still wishing and praying for a better change in your health.
I am not a Doctor, nor do i play one on T.V... ...but.
Paul, can you get some Lorazapam/Ativan- to calm you. I have been known to take half of a pill to help me with anxiety, and it really helps.
Sending Love to You and Ruth.
xo
nita
Hi , Joey....
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Mar 30, 2011 - 02:11pm PT
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Joey,
I need to wait for Ruth, so head on out if you are. Might see you there.
Nita,
Got the lorazapam. Took one today. Helps slightly, but not much.
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JOEY.F
Gym climber
It's not rocket surgery
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Mar 30, 2011 - 02:21pm PT
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Maybe we'll mesh another time. Take care, Paul.
Hi ya Nita.
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Mar 30, 2011 - 10:18pm PT
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Hi Paul, Drinking my cup of tea of course. I am in Bishop on the way to J-Tree. I can't tell you how much I wish you were able to go. I'm drinking lots of green tea nowadays as they say it's good with antioxidants and recommended as part of an anti-cancer diet. I ran into a young woman at the Gear Exchange here in Bishop that knows you. Geez, I can't remember her name right now. Anyway, thinking about you sooo much. Good luck with your scans next week and whatever next steps the med team has in store for you. Susan
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JLC
climber
Flatland, USA
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Mar 30, 2011 - 11:10pm PT
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Speaking of the gym... Sam still talks about our visit last summer. Here's one of many pics that I should already have shared with you.
The girls are ready for another road trip. Hope to see you again this summer.
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SteveW
Trad climber
The state of confusion
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Mar 30, 2011 - 11:25pm PT
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I'm bummed you're still suffering like that, Paul.
I hope things will change for you soon so you can
begin living again.
My best wishes to you and Ruth
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yoginigirl
Social climber
Eureka
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Mar 31, 2011 - 11:30pm PT
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Well Paul ~ Maybe this will lift your spirits. there is an electrician guy named Bob that used to talk to you when you would hang out at the brewery. Well, after 2plus years he finally came to do yoga. Says he remembers talking to you and loved having conversations and made it finally to class. Bonus is he is willing to help with the electric problems of the studio. We also just painted the whole downstairs so we have been channeling you. the whole front is pink now,,, peaceful pink and mystic beige with gold trim. The last time we painted it was you, me and N of course.
Looks like we are trapped up north here,, or somewhat anyhow,,, big,big slide just north of Garberville, gotta go ALL the way around to get anywhere. Sun was almost out today. Everyone sends positive, healing energies.
You can do this,,, we have talked often about overcoming fears and perceived in-abilities. Do what you are able and that is enough. You are still yoga-strong in the brain. Just keep with it and drink Ensure if you can keep it down.
Peace, love and light ~ J
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Captain...or Skully
climber
Idaho.
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Mar 31, 2011 - 11:42pm PT
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Rediculous is my favorite color. It's most vibrant.
Thank you for a bunch of perspective, Paul.
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Jan
Mountain climber
Okinawa, Japan
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Still rememberring you and hoping for the best.
I think I remember seeing on another thread that you had to do "pros"? I couldn't figure out if that was new prescriptions or protocols? Weren't you waiting to hear about another clinical trial?
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Gal
Trad climber
a semi lucid consciousness
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Paul, I like reading all of your posts, no matter what kind of space you are in. I was very much hoping to meet you in J-tree. But relaxation is good. Recuperation as your medicine works for you. I hope you are feeling some relief. I hope you are feeling improvements. I look forward to your next post. Continue fighting hard!!!!
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Pastor Dave
Social climber
Yucca Valley, CA
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Paul, Don't give up! My greatest "fear" during difficult times in my life has been that I would discover I "gave up" and "turned back" just before I found "the answere" which was "just around the next corner" or "bend in the road". Keep your eyes, mind and heart open...the "answere" may be closer than you think!
Love to you, Ruth and all your incredible friends!
Dad
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Moof
Big Wall climber
Orygun
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Paul, you truly are one of the best people to hit the Taco Stand in quite a while. I truly hope you find a positive outcome, you've truly added a bit of charm to the lives of this community. Oh yeah, beat the hell out of #13 for me whenever you feel able.
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Apr 2, 2011 - 12:57pm PT
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Hi all. Hanging in there. Thanks for all the shout outs.
Got an e-mail from a friend. Needed to post here too. So to save time I cut and pasted my response to his e-mail:
Hey Paul
Though I haven't posted, I check STopo for updates.
I'm really sorry about your pain. I think of you often and try to send you the strenght to keep fighting.
Some Humboldtians are heading to yosemite mid-May.
Any interest?
Wishing you well.
Hi!
Who's heading to Yo, and what are the exact dates? We have access to a house in Wawona in the park. If I get the dates I can try and reserve it.
I would also like to go back up to Humboldt this month (is the landslide I heard about blocking us off?) It all depends on cancer issues.
We go to UCSF for PET scan Monday, then back for evaluation on Wed. My groin tumor is out of control. It has pretty much taken over down there. I think it is disgustingly interesting in one way, and would post up pix, but that would freak people out. One way or another, It has to go. So I am pushing for that at the next Doc visit. This might mean going off the study I am on. But even if that means the other tumors will grow again, I feel it is better than leaving the big bastard in me. I think that tumor will kill me before the others could catch up. Total bullshit decisions. I want surgery AND experimental meds, but that is not in the 'Protocol". F*#k the protocol. If I lived in Europe I could do both. The USA's health system kills people.
It has been VERY hard lately. I am not sure if I am dying or if there is hope still. I must gain control over my digestive system. If so, the plan is always to show up and try. Nearly every day lately there has come a moment when I think or scream "Just kill me already!" Things hurt that bad. But it is only an overwhelmed moment. I'm glad I'm not a gun owner though, because a bullet is to fast, a lot like a hammer drill, and things can happen quicker than you can take them back.
I don't want to die. Just don't want to not live either. Oddly, many, even family have expressed their support for me going out however I choose. "If the pain gets too bad", that sort of thing. But I just don't see it... Mom tried to kill herself. It did not work. No sense trying something like that without a guarantee. And even if there were one...I think I'm just too belligerent. But, God, I just want to feel nothing often these days.
I got new shoes on sale on line. I feel like an idiot. I can't walk a block. What the f*#k am I doing? I guess its my way of saying No to this Bullsh#t. Perhaps they will be used in Yosemite when I see you there. Perhaps I will not strengthen. Who knows. Who cares. They're cool shoes.
My big personality is contained too tight in this trailer. I am such a loud as#@&%e when frustrated. Everyone that knows me as more than an acquaintance knows this about me. Why do you guys still stick around? Ruth deserves a medal for most hours spent in closest proximity to me under pressure.
The problem with having your eyes opened is what you have to See. The problem with living is sometimes you just have to Be. The problem with my mind is excepting every version of Me. Wait and see what will be with me.
C-ya my man,
Paul
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Jan
Mountain climber
Okinawa, Japan
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I'll be thinking of you and keeping my fingers crossed for you Monday through Wednesday. Once you get through that, you'll have a better idea of which direction to go next.
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Carolyn C
Trad climber
the long, long trailer
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I am a stranger to you, Paul, but I sure am wishing the best for you, and something positive for next week. And, my husband and I live in a trailer, so I know what you are talking about!! Sending you and Ruth good thoughts,
c2
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Gene
climber
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ThaDood,
Thanks for your post. Ain't lame at all.
g
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yoginigirl
Social climber
Eureka
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ThaDood ~ Not lame at all, I am always amazed at how lame our medical system is and how much we suffer from it. Glad to hear someone figured it out for you.
this forum is amazing and I really enjoy reading the stories of inspiration and encouragement of each other. One never knows what small gesture can make a huge difference on someone else's life, nothing is ever too small or lame. It is all up to us to care for each other.
Peace, Love, and Light
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SteveW
Trad climber
The state of confusion
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Paul
My thoughts are with you.
Hang in there--you're an inspiration to us!
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neebee
Social climber
calif/texas
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hey there say, paul and ruth...
just letting you know, i'm remembering you both...
thanks for letting us know how you are...
always hoping for a new open door, that may help you...
god bless...:)
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Jerry Dodrill
climber
Sebastopol, CA
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Hey Paul. I'm pulling for you. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help.
Best, Jerry
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blackbird
Trad climber
the flat water trails...
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Paul -
You remain in my thoughts and prayers... I'm rapidly approaching the anniversary of the first time I went to the Dr. for my (surprise!) initial diagnosis (how many years ago now..??) Climbing today at that particular crag and with intentions of hitting that one route where the strange, twisted, enlightening journey all started for me not so long ago.. Seems that I just have to stand and stare that demon in the face occasionally to remind my self of what all I have gained as a result of my own battle with cancer.
Sending that route and setting up the anchor for you today...
bb
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bixquite
Social climber
humboldt nation
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hey paul and ruth you are in our hearts
think of you often paul and your laughter. do they still have your
engraved beer glass at lost coast brewery? get up here bro
spring is on. tasman is growin like a weed, i put a little
bloom booster in his cereal, he's charging. the surf has been good
all winter and i got three trips out to big flat. spent some time
in kauai, it's paradise. lets go up to the mouth of the klamath
when you get here. 101 will open tomorow. hang in there jedi.
get up here, bro. all our love
biscuit, simone and tas
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Hi Paul, thinking of you as I am drinking my tea. I'm powering down lots of green tea these days. I am amazed at how lucid you are given all you are going through. New shoes? Not silly at all. An affirmation of a goal towards which you can strive. Hoping for good news for you this week. Susan
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okaythatsme
climber
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Found this image--you may already have. That camper sure took you places to nice climbing weekends and other trips.
I'm feeling sorrow at that what's going on. Your statement, "I don't want to die. Just don't want to not live either," hits home -- I don't know your pain, but I can understand that statement. Being, accepting, and not knowing what is to be also resonates.
You should have new climbing shoes. Why not? You've always incorporated climbing and you'll need shoes ready to go.
Remember we are all with you. We are all connected.
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neebee
Social climber
calif/texas
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hey there say, SCseagoat...
check your email...
:)
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aka....Laura Lawyer
climber
Humboldt
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Paul....
I would love to talk to you or Ruth on the phone...there is someone coming to Humboldt 4/15-4/17 that could really really help you if you are open...(personally know his work & he will be staying with us) If you are open, please call....I can tell you more and if you need more info than I have to offer....you can call him directly...he has helped tons of people survive with cancer, Paul.
Lots of Love & Light to you and Ruth...
Laura (Adventure's Edge & Old neighbor) 707 407-0162
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yllw2lip
climber
Orange, CA
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I have no idea what to post. It sucks to hear bad news from my brother. He is off the clinical trial and is considering the radiation treatment to shrink that tumor in his groin. I guess we are waiting to hear if that is going to happen or not. I really wish he wasn't in so much pain and there were better answers for him.
I love you Paul! Maybe me and the fam can come by and visit soon??? I am waiting for an update from Dad and what your status is/ what the plan is for the next step. I could always hitch a ride with him and take the baby and have KT stay with the grandparents. I really would like to see you soon.
XOXO
Your lil' sis
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Very sorry to hear that Paul is off the trial. But if something can be done, radiation or surgery to address the large tumor and relieve some of the horrific pain that may be worth it. Hoping some of the next options will relieve his pain. Susan
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labrat
Trad climber
Nevada City, CA
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More good thoughts going your way.........
Erik
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donini
Trad climber
Ouray, Colorado
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Paul, Angela and I are pulling for you. I was super impressed by you at Indian Creek. I've been around long enough to have met some impressive people and you're right up there at the top. Ruth is a marvel and your dad sounds like someone I would like to get to know. Our best wishes are with you......
and remember, tell the docs exactly how you feel. Their study protocol will be as messed up whether you have surgery or off yourself. You have leverage!
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Apr 7, 2011 - 12:28am PT
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Very bad news. My tumor load is up about 40%. I am in scream out loud pain in my balls whenever I move. My demands for surgery were met with a review of images. The Doc will "Shop" it around to surgens, but does not think many will want the job. The tumor has invaded my genitals to the point where a "Penectomy" or some such thing, basiclly cut you genitals off, would be the result. It's in there deep. So, that's about every guy's worst nightmare.
I seem to be at a corner where many imposible decisions must be made.
Still here, believe it or not,
Paul
PS-Laura, We are in Santa Rosa now. Is your friend heading that far south?
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Fritz
Trad climber
Choss Creek, ID
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Paul: Best Wishes, as always.
I hope for the best for you, and give you positive thoughts for the future.
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Jan
Mountain climber
Okinawa, Japan
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Paul-
I am so sorry that things seem to have taken a downturn for you. Only you can know what the next step should be. At least with your face-it-head-on attitude, the doctors will be telling you straight up what they think so you can make decisions based on facts and not euphemisms or evasions as happens so often.
You mentioned radiation and a friend of mine with a brain tumor was given another three months of life thanks to radiation of her tumor. It also got rid of her pain for most of that time.
Whatever you decide, please know that everyone here will support your decision. Try to keep posting if you can and know that many here are hoping and praying for the best.
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okaythatsme
climber
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Love and whatever support I can give is sent from here to you and Ruth. Continuing to think of you both.
marcella
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aka....Laura Lawyer
climber
Humboldt
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Paul...
I can give you his number and you can speak with him directly....at this point there is no plan for him to be that far south...but that doesn't mean he can't help you still. He requests that we speak in person to give you his phone number...as he likes his information to be a more "live" energy...rather than the internet energy. You can call me or I can call you....I know it's probably not ideal to be speaking on the phone right now. However, I feel extraordinarly hopeful for you Paul, if you can meet up with him some how, some way. If you choose to grab onto this alternative light of hope from this very special man, call me at 707 407-0162. I too support you in whatever decision you make, Paul. I will back off if that is your wish as well.
Sending Heaps of Love & Healing Light your way....
Laura :)
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Iclimb5.1
climber
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"Why do you guys still stick around?"
Perhaps because we value genuine people.
I'm so sorry about the pain and hope with all my hear that this turns around.
We love ya Paul,
Vicky
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SteveW
Trad climber
The state of confusion
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Paul
I hope your pain eases.
I wish I could do something.
Be well, you are an inspiration.
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Pastor Dave
Social climber
Yucca Valley, CA
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Paul and Ruth. Will skip church Sunday morning (a "special dispensation" moe like an "order" from my Pastor)and drive to Anna's in Orange, CA will leave our car with Jason who can not leave So. CA because he is officially "on duty" and could be ordered to report to the airport for an outbound flight with as little as a few hours notice. The five of us, Anna, Katie and Aiden, Marilyn and I will come up together in their SUV. Will stop overnight on the way and arrive sometime Monday. We will stay at the apartment there next to you. I have reserved it for us (April 11, 12, 13)
Will have to leave Wed. afternoon so we can get back home and then go to Clovis NM where I will conduct a memorial service for a very dear friend who was given another three years of life by radiation treatment of his brain cancer. He was also nearly pain free after the radiation so it is worth considering. No matter what the radiation or surgery does to your "junk" you will allways be the greatest MAN I or anyone else on this site has ever known!
BTW When we return from Clovis I will be free to come and help you and Ruth whenever and for as long as either of you need or want me. Do expect Nathan will fly out for a visit right after Easter. Also, don't dismiss the possibility of someone having a special "gift of healing". There are many things that I have seen that can not be explained by logic or science.
A personal note to all of your friends: THANK YOU for your love and encouragement. I refuse to rule out the possibility of a miraculous "cure" or extension of a period of quality time of earthly life. Hope you all will continue to attack this "climb" with us. Victory is as much in the willingnes to keep on trying as it is in reaching the top. (OK so I'm "preaching to the choir" again.) All I can say is you are the greatest "congregation" I have ever known!
Paul's Dad
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Apr 9, 2011 - 12:47pm PT
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Hi All,
Here's a bit more info.
The talk with the doc at UCSF was hard. I argued my case, but was met with the fact that the tumor is taking over my groin and genitals. It will grow until I cannot crap or piss. My kidneys will eventually shut down and I will have to be cathedarized, etc in the hospital to keep the body barely alive. There are other treatments offered, but all have low success, involve a lot of pain, and will likely fail. The pain will increase, forcing me to accept more pain meds to the point of being out of it enough to take the process.
There are Many alternative therapies out there. Enough to go into perpetual debt and travel place to place until dead. But the "cures" take too long compared to the growth rate of my tumors, and I don't like the desparate "maybe this..." lifestyle.
All along I have tried to make treatment choices based not just on the fact that it exists to try, but also on my compatability with it. No use trying a radical food regimin if I just won't eat it, etc. No use in endless chemo when the odds to side effect ratio sucks so bad. Find the most likely FOR ME, that was my strategy. So no sense in regrets. I have been in full on fight mode.
There comes a time though, when the lines intersect, and it is clear that the odds have worsened. Perhaps it is time for a change of mindset. What is really important to me, in terms of how I leave this world? How do I want to go? Certainly NOT in a hospital bed. Nor a bloody delf-destructed mess. I don't want to stop before I'm ready to. Yet I would hate to "linger", a soul trapped in an overdue corpse.
When I broke my back, I was on a lot of pain pills. One night I took my dose and went to bed. As I fell asleep I thought: "Did I take that dose twice? Did I over dose? I better wake up." But I couldn't. I willed my body to move but it did not. I opened my eyes and tried to scream but no sound came out. I struggled again, it felt against chains or suckion holding me down. "My God, I'm dying!" With one more jerk I sprung up screaming and vomited. Turned out I had overdosed accidentally.
That felt horrible. I don't want that to be my last feeling. I want to smile when I go and know it is time.
So how will I accomplish that if my illness is the end... Don't know yet. Still working on it.
Today the pain is less. The antibiotics I demanded are helping there. I saw a 3D spinning scan of myself yesterday. The cancer lit up all through me like bright lights. It was sickening. But I will do better than most, in the end. I am the Disaster Master.
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Gene
climber
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But I will do better than most, in the end. I am the Disaster Master.
Paul,
You have done better than anybody could expect and will continue to do so. I speak for many who know you only from this site when I say that your spirit, honesty and openness have enriched my life.
Praying for you and yours,
Gene
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lyn
climber
humboldt county
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Paul - sending you lots of light and love from Humboldt County ♥♥♥
Lyn Jones
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Just brewed my afternoon cup of tea and logged on to check out your thread. It astounds me how you are able to write so lucidly knowing you are in such pain. Seeing those scans must have been heartbreaking as if you weren't going through enough with your pain...my thoughts are with you, as always, Susan
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Brian
climber
California
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Hard to know what to say here, as none of us are in your shoes. Hope you realize how many people here respect your courage in facing this fight, and how many people you've inspired. It's been a big, positive impact--and that's something pretty special. So sorry to hear that things are, if anything, worse for you. Thinking about how you want it to end is smart, and something that many of us in less desperate circumstances should also learn from you. You've got lots of folks thinking about, hoping for, and praying for you, and I hope that you can continue to Master this Disaster as long, and as well, as possible.
Brian
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Pastor Dave
Social climber
Yucca Valley, CA
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Apr 10, 2011 - 11:00am PT
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Paul, will see you tomorrow. I am so proud of you! Just one more Rock to climb! I took you to your first climbs, hope I can help you get to the top of this one, even though, like those first climbs, all I could do was watch you go up and up until you were out of my sight but never out of my heart!
You have always been the "trail blazer" for others and you have been setting up some new routs for all of us!
Love you and Ruth beyond the limits of words or this "introductory period" of our lives.
Dad.
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Jobee
Social climber
El Portal Ca.
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Apr 10, 2011 - 12:27pm PT
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There are no words, thank you for sharing your incredible strength with us.
I'm am in awe.
xxxooo
Jo Whitford
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Moof
Big Wall climber
Orygun
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Apr 10, 2011 - 02:19pm PT
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If you've fought the good fight, get your plan B in order whatever it may be. I'm really sad to say that California doesn't make it easy for doctors to assist in this. When I was helping out during my Grandmother's final couple weeks (large liver tumor) morphine was her only real solace, both she and I wished there was a more humane plan B available than slogging through to the end, but alas it wasn't.
You stand as a great inspiration.
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yoginigirl
Social climber
Eureka
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Apr 11, 2011 - 12:37am PT
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I really hope that can make it up North here for a bit, we have all been holding you in our meditations. We would love to see you and Ruth and give you our love in person if at all possible.
Love and Light to you and your family
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bvb
Social climber
flagstaff arizona
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Apr 11, 2011 - 01:30am PT
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don't know if this has been mentioned yet, but alan nelson was diagnosed with MM in the spring of '84, underwent surgery, then went on to climb like a banshee for decades -- all the while under the influence of a deep spriritualty.
find your higher power, cling close, and climb hard! yesterday's history, tomorrow's a mystery...
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nita
Social climber
chica from chico. spring days..yeah!
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Apr 11, 2011 - 02:35am PT
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Paul, I'm always at a loss for what to say..... So i'm sending you some music, prayers, love and hope.
Today, i was listening to this song by Patty Griffin, and i thought of Ruth..your Beautiful Love, and the voices of all the people who are sending you Love and standing by you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=knEnMCmTZGI
also by Patty..but words by Martin Luther King......this song is comforting to me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rYX5o34U1YY&feature=related
Saludos..
xo
nita..
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okaythatsme
climber
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Apr 11, 2011 - 02:43pm PT
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Hi Paul,
So many thoughts go through me -- past, present and the unknown -- which one really can't fully understand. Over twenty years we've influenced each other in our growing up, even as we developed our own paths. I hope I can visit you and Ruth, if that would be okay. I would understand otherwise. Hope you can e-mail or we can talk.
with love,
marcella
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Gene
climber
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Apr 12, 2011 - 06:58pm PT
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Thinking about you and yours, Paul.
Godspeed!
g
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couchmaster
climber
pdx
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Apr 12, 2011 - 07:31pm PT
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Sounds like it's getting close to checkout time Paul. I'd like to thank you for sharing your heart, pain, joy, and struggles so honestly on this thread which is one more testament to your life. None of us gets out out here alive: here's to hoping you a smooth and easy transition to where we all are heading anyway .....sooner or later.
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SteveW
Trad climber
The state of confusion
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Apr 12, 2011 - 09:14pm PT
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I hope you're pain free Paul.
Best.
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Pastor Dave
Social climber
Yucca Valley, CA
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Apr 13, 2011 - 11:46am PT
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To all of Paul's friends: We are winding up a too brief but very good visit with Paul and Ruth. Keep your love, thoughts and prayers flowing there may yet be a lot of days left for this Master of Disaster but what each day, hour or minuite will bring is unkown until it arrives and has to be Mastered. Will be checking in here as often as I can.
To Paul and Ruth: I am as near as the phone and can be back "in a flash" if/when you need me.
Love you both beyound words
Dad
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Apr 13, 2011 - 02:43pm PT
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I never stop thinking about you Paul, got my cuppa brewing. Susan
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Iclimb5.1
climber
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Apr 13, 2011 - 07:51pm PT
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Pastor Dave, THANK YOU for the update. I hope you will keep them coming as any information you can give is extremely valuable!
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Gal
Trad climber
a semi lucid consciousness
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Apr 13, 2011 - 08:25pm PT
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You are always in my thoughts. I look forward to your posts. Keep fighting, writing, and hoping! I hope your pain is less this week.
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jstan
climber
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Apr 13, 2011 - 08:38pm PT
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After reading your thread I went to Yeary's wonderful "short video."
It said to me
Earth is the beginning
earth is the end
the two are the same
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drunkenmaster
Social climber
santa rosa
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Apr 13, 2011 - 11:48pm PT
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looking forward to seeing your slideshow and hanging out with you next month at the RIM Club bro! anyone else come on out - Rock Ice Mountain Club - first tuesday of the month at round table pizza on occidental rd in santa rosa. every month they have an awesome slideshow and raffel and local climbers meeting. give me a shout out if you want to hang out sometime or need anything anytime..
:)
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Apr 14, 2011 - 10:06am PT
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Hi all.
Good, though odd, visit with family over the past few days. Conversation shifted between my sister's kids and diapers to cremation annd hospice. Good times...good times.
Pain is a little less thanks to a strong antibiotic and a new attitude towards painkillers. Pretty much still in pain all the time. Not easy to listen to or watch when you are use to my warp speed normally.
A small hope: My Oncologist found a surgeon that will consult with me about the possibility of resecting (cutting out) some or all of the main tumor. Don't know, though. It's huge and extensive now. F*#K!
Radiation consult is on Friday. All these are comfort measures in my head, not cures. But I must crap and piss to live at all, and the big tumor is screwing that up. A lot.
End of life optons have been brought up and everyone is concerned with how long this will take, how much pain. There are no good legal safe alteratives to wasting to death, in CA, it seems. Travel out of state seems daunting, since accross the house is an expedition now.
It reminds me of when I had my first Melanoma removal surgery 7 years go. I got up to take a walk with friend a few weeks after. Only wanted to get groceries 5 blocks away. Long 5 blocks! I made it a joke.."Day 1. Crossed the dangerous blacktop glacier today, conditions marginal. Will make base camp at the next corner. Day 2. An alpine start with assistence from local homeless recruited as sherpas allowed placement of a high camp near the drug store. Have run out of fixed line. Must go for it tomorrow or turn back..." You get the picture.
I will do the slide show in Santa Rosa even if in a wheel chair. Only the hospital will keep me from that. I will go out celebrating my life, not regreting the future I might not see.
Very hard to come to terms with all this. Don't want to have to. Falling!
Thanks for the spot everyone,
Paul
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JOEY.F
Gym climber
It's not rocket surgery
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Apr 14, 2011 - 11:53am PT
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Pulling for you Paul. Your epic to the store is so well written. Thanks for the laugh. Let me know if you need a hand for your show.
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Apr 14, 2011 - 11:56am PT
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Here's a couple new scans. All that glows except my brain is Melanoma. Hard to see, but it's a 3D imgage through my body.
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Jobee
Social climber
El Portal Ca.
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Apr 14, 2011 - 12:57pm PT
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nature
climber
Kovalum Kerala India
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Apr 14, 2011 - 01:15pm PT
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It's hard to really know what to say.
A lack of response isn't a lack of paying attention.
Tina says she sends her love. I do too!
stay strong my friend (like I need to offer that up!)
nature
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crøtch
climber
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Apr 14, 2011 - 01:16pm PT
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Paul,
You continue to inspire with your words and attitude.
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Carolyn C
Trad climber
the long, long trailer
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Apr 14, 2011 - 02:57pm PT
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Your love of life and Ruth inspire me every time I read your words. Thank you for continuing to share your journey. I wish you were not falling!
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Apr 14, 2011 - 06:50pm PT
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Hi Paul...your scan indicates how huge that groin tumor is! Oh Paul you are the toughest dude I have ever encountered. Hoping you can have some surgery that will provide some relief. You are in my thoughts...al the time. Susan
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Tony Bird
climber
Northridge, CA
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Apr 14, 2011 - 08:52pm PT
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cheers here too, paul. if you come to josh, would like to visit again.
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Jan
Mountain climber
Okinawa, Japan
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Apr 15, 2011 - 12:13am PT
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I'll be waiting to hear the results of the radiation consult with fingers crossed that it can provide some relief.
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S.Leeper
Social climber
Ft. Useless, Virginia
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Apr 15, 2011 - 12:45am PT
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What an awesome yoga pose, what do you call it?
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TeleMele
climber
Hood RIver, OR
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Apr 15, 2011 - 12:58am PT
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Hey Paul,
If you haven't yet, you might want to get in touch with Laura up north asap. Her friend is wonderful and worth the contact.
I've been sending lots of good juju your way!
Love and support to you and Ruth,
Best,
Melanie
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Apr 15, 2011 - 06:37am PT
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S.Leeper
Social climber
Ft. Useless, Virginia Apr 14, 2011 - 09:45pm PT
What an awesome yoga pose, what do you call it?
Toe Stand, Padangustasana. Toe Stand strengthens the knees and is therapeutic for rheumatism of the knees, ankles, and feet.
It also opens up the knee and hip joints, and helps cure hemorrhoid problems.
It also develops mental strength.
TeleMele
climber
Hood RIver, OR Apr 14, 2011 - 09:58pm PT
Hey Paul,
If you haven't yet, you might want to get in touch with Laura up north asap. Her friend is wonderful and worth the contact.
Got specifics on what the tehnique/ treatment is?
Everyone else: Thanks so much for the encouragment.
Onward and Upward (I hope),
Paul
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Jobee
Social climber
El Portal Ca.
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Apr 15, 2011 - 02:52pm PT
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S.Leeper
Social climber
Ft. Useless, Virginia
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Apr 15, 2011 - 05:49pm PT
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Very impressive pose. I like how it looks like you are levitating from the right angle.
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yoginigirl
Social climber
Eureka
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Apr 15, 2011 - 11:22pm PT
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Paul ~ what a picture!!! I hope you can find time and space to come up and visit. I am glad to hear of your attitude at facing the final stretch and there are many people up here that would love to give you a gentle hug and celebrate your amazing life with you for a few moments. If you haven't seen it yet, there is a movie called Get Low. It is nothing like your life but it's an interesting movie about celebrating life.
We will all understand if it does not happen, you are in our thoughts and your laugh permeates the studio and your picture is still there. We hold you close every single day.
Much love and light to you and Ruth ~ J
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Janice Taylor
climber
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Apr 16, 2011 - 02:25pm PT
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Paul,
Aside from the fact that I think I know where the 40lbs your Dad says you lost went(and that I'd gladly give them back if I could - I certainly don't need them!) it disheartens me to know that your options are somewhat limited at this point. Abdominal surgery is rough and the recovery a bitch (for lack of a better word) but as you say, will alleviate a lot of pain - tough choice
but I'm confident that you will decide and act on what's best for you, as you always have. Although we have never spent a lot of time together, I'd love to see you if you're up for it - talk, comic relief, complaining - whatever.... Maybe even play some cards while we're doing it (Now that I stand a chance if your on pain meds). I guess what I'm really saying is that I want you to enjoy whatever you have that you hold close to you and laugh while you're doing it. I hope we can see each other. Let me know....
Your (favorite)ex-step cousin.
Janice
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Jobee
Social climber
El Portal Ca.
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Apr 16, 2011 - 03:15pm PT
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Poppy's popping. -Merced canyon.
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Apr 19, 2011 - 09:46am PT
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To the Santa Rosa Crowd:
How about "My Up & Down Life" for my show title at the RIM meeting?
Jerry is likely gnashing his teeth over me not calling him yet about my RIM club show on May 3rd. Too much cancer, not enough up-time so far to get with ya. I will have a disc / file of images. Just need to learn how to show them. We will talk (HARUM) soon :).
Anyone who can get there on the 3rd, show up! Might be one of the last chances to chat w/ me about far norh CA climbing and life. (Anyone know an average number of slides to use for an hour show?) Don't want to overload them.
To the Humboldt Crew:
I MISS YOU!
What's your favorite climbing story I told you , or about me?
If the show I do in Santa Rosa rocks, I wold like to do a version in Arcata at Matt's gym, if pos. Hopefully with as many climbers as possible. What would be goo dates? Soewhere around 5/10/11 maybe???????????????
Need to see many Humboldt friends. E-mail me. I will be better at responding now that I am semi bed ridden.
NOLAN,
Where are you? I lost a note about you traveling my way in an opiate haze.(MY haze, not his.) Can you still come by for a visit?
Currently hung upside down by right nut. At least that's the feeling.
Mastering (Ouch!) ON,
Paul.
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altelis
Mountain climber
DC
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Apr 19, 2011 - 10:16am PT
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As others have stated better than I, truly inspiring.
I have a suggestion, and even though it's probably already come up, it bears repeating.
When (and it sounds as if that time is now) you have decided you aren't pushing for a cure but rather as live-able a life as possible, I would recommend two conversations.
The first is with the oncologist heading up your care. Make sure they know that is where you are mentally. Many/most oncologists are fighters, and are willing to push forward till the end. It can also be a mentally draining job, and that can create tunnel-vision in many. Many won't recognize when its time to shift from cure/remission centered care to palliative care, so often the onus is on YOU to make it clear when YOU have reached that point. Remember, palliative care isn't doing nothing, it isn't only pain killers, it isn't only done through/with/in hospice. But when in the mindset of palliative care, the oncologist and consulting surgeons will do a different calculus to determine which procedures are worth trying, and which aren't. And some procedures that weren't on the table before are now viable.
In that light, often its useful to have a conversation with hospice before you are actually ready to commit. They can help guide your transition, in body and ind mind, as well as help you in your conversations with your physicians about things like palliative care before you are actually "officially" in hospice.
I wish you all the best. You obviously have love and support around and within you. Its been an honor feeling your glow from thousands of miles away.
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Apr 19, 2011 - 10:29am PT
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altelis
Mountain climber
DC
Apr 19, 2011 - 07:16am PT
As others have stated better than I, truly inspiring.
I have a suggestion, and even though it's probably already come up, it bears repeating.
When (and it sounds as if that time is now) you have decided you aren't pushing for a cure but rather as live-able a life as possible, I would recommend two conversations.
Good post. We are right in the middle of all of that. Feels good to have made a choice, turned a corner. Yet I have never cried so much before. When I was a young(er) man I did not cry, with pride. It was all atack, thrive, laugh it off, walk it off...
No longer so. Eventually, some things are no longer useful tools. Time to put them away and pull out the next device. anger is loosing importance, though it still erupts in unfortunate plumes. More and more, though it is replaced by empathy and a begruding acceptance.
I doubt I will go quietly into the night, loud, no doubt. But hopfully not enraged.
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Mighty Hiker
climber
Vancouver, B.C.
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Apr 19, 2011 - 10:44am PT
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Paul, for a one hour talk, you probably want not less than 30 and not more than 120 images, most likely somewhere in the middle. About one/minute is a rule of thumb. The important thing, though, is that the images just illustrate your stories, and the stories are what people want to hear. I've heard one hour talks illustrated by maybe ten bad slides that were outstanding, and talks illustrated by a hundred or more high quality slides that were awful.
Good luck!
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Apr 19, 2011 - 11:15am PT
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Mighty Hiker,
Thanks!
-Paul
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Zache
Social climber
Arcata, ca
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Apr 19, 2011 - 02:15pm PT
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Hey Paul,
I will let Matt know about making a presentation at Far North. I will personally be unable to attend at that time but I am sure that plenty of folks will be up here and would love to come see you. I am actually in a transition period in my life changing jobs from nursing at St. Joe's to going to yosemite for YOSAR. Very excited! The job will start on May 1st.
I should be driving through the area and would love to stop by and say hello. Let me know if this could work. I should have your number unless it was changed. I should be driving down on the 27th.
You are an inspiration,
Talk to you soon,
zach
btw. I loved the story about castle rock route "buck naked"
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Marco Paulo
Social climber
Humboldt
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Apr 20, 2011 - 02:19pm PT
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Hey Man
I think it would be great if you were able to come to Humboldt and do a slide show. Of course you've got a place stay. I'm planning on heading to Yos the evening of Wed May 11.
We went up to Footsteps a couple weeks ago. Followed Tom on Pelican's BVD's and Radical Mouse Movement...great lines,thanks man.
Footsteps will always remind me of the first time I met you. It was the first time you climbed on ropes after your back injury. I was a pretty green climber at the time so I was a little nervous to meet the man, the myth, the legend. When you and Tom arrived to pick me up, you got out of the truck stuck out your hand and proudly said "Hi, I'm Paul Humphrey",a introduction I would witness many times in the years to follow. On our drive to Footsteps it quickly became apparent we shared the same taste for a particularly sour flavor of humor. There were many good times(and some not) to come....
Like our trips to Elephant Rock, when we had free time but no money and no car, just your new Harley Davidson Sportster...We must have been a sight to see...You on the front, with your beenie helmet,leather jacket,highwater jeans and flaming Converse lowtops..Me on the back with a backpack full of climbing gear and beer, wearing my climbing helmet(thanks to the vent holes in the helmet it sounded like a jet engine when you got above 55mph). Good times, cruising down the road, the only thing between us was that little backrest you installed so I wouldn't have to hang on to you as we made our venture. I remember holding on to that backrest for dear life and noticing it was only held in place with one of the two mounting screws, good times.
Thanks for the good times, Paul and thank you for your honesty about the not so good times.
Love you,man
Marco
P.S. To many good Humphrey stories to have a favorite, 'Buck naked' is a good one but what about 'Don't you like it', 'unfortunate hamster', 'ribbed for my pleasure', 'bitch bike', 'dumped on the first date',and the list goes on...
P.P.S Happy Birthday, Tom
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yllw2lip
climber
Orange, CA
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Apr 21, 2011 - 02:25am PT
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Hey Paul. I am glad I was able to visit with my two munchkins. Hopefully the "diaper talk" was a good distraction ;-) I hope the next visit pans out with Jason. I know he would love to come see you and finally meet Ruth face to face. A bonus would be seeing Nathan and finally getting all us siblings together. The last time we did that Katie was tiny and we all went to the beach. I have pics of you and your long cury hair holding Katie with sand all over her face (she had proceeded to eat a handful of it while I was following her around taking pictures). You've been a good Uncle to her. She loves you a lot!
I am curious how your radiation consultation went and if you have had a chance to talk to that Doctor about the surgery yet. I am hoping you find some relief from the pain in your groin from one of those options. I cried when I saw you cry from the pain! OUCH!!!!! Don't like seeing you in so much pain. Wish I could help somehow, but feel so useless.
Love you lots!
Anna (AKA lil' Sis)
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Apr 21, 2011 - 11:52am PT
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I asked for favorite stories. marco wrote back:'Don't you like it', 'unfortunate hamster', 'ribbed for my pleasure', 'bitch bike' All funny, but the high cringe factor make me hesitate. Although, who cares now, Huh?
Hospice camee by yesterday, I think. I have been doped up enough to be quite out of it. entertaining, aprantly. (Notice the even worse spelling.) I am i nmy ne Death Bed ,LOL, motor controled. Got ew able and meds / pipe ithin reach. Overll, when I don't move or breath I am almost omfortable.
Not really. It all hurts. Oh, well.
I thought I would not get radiation beause I have no money. They asked for $1,500 up front. So if your rich ya live. if Poor, pooor you. I freaked out. Have been crying a llot. Ruth figured out way to get me on hospic so that th remainder is paid for (I hope) How does shr do these things o well?
So a few days tilll nuclear boy, mutation sequence begin. This lap top kills y tuor pain. Bye
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zeta
Trad climber
Berkeley
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Apr 21, 2011 - 12:03pm PT
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paul,
thinking of you, and wanting to hear those stories! Jen
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tonesfrommars
Trad climber
California
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Apr 21, 2011 - 12:27pm PT
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Paul:
Wishing you peace.
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tom brogan
Trad climber
san diego, ca
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Apr 21, 2011 - 12:40pm PT
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Hey Paul,
We met at the Indian Creek Sushifest. When most everyone else had left, my girl friend (Pat) and I came over and sat in the shade of your camper and talked with you and Ruth. The ants came out and attacked our legs. Remember how hot it was? I have wanted to write before...but the words just wouldn't come. I wish you peace.
Tom
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yllw2lip
Social climber
Orange, CA
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Apr 21, 2011 - 02:28pm PT
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Wow, can't believe you were able to get that update in there Paul. But thanks! I hope you are coping better with the pain now, at least.
I want to hear all those stories that were mentioned. I'm missing out over here! lol
XOXO
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scuffy b
climber
dissected alluvial deposits, late Pleistocene
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Apr 21, 2011 - 02:41pm PT
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Paul's paypal account:
send to
sticksandstones@cliffhanger.com
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Apr 21, 2011 - 03:42pm PT
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Thanks for posting Paul, you've taught me much about living with cancer...the main thing...live life on your own terms...and man do you ever do that! Sitting here with my cuppa tea...sharing it with you. Susan
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Jobee
Social climber
El Portal Ca.
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Apr 21, 2011 - 03:57pm PT
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Apr 21, 2011 - 06:57pm PT
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Thank', Fattrad and Zeta, for the kind compliments.
Zack, Nolan. You must see me!
Gosh, sounds like I HAVE A lot f writting to get to. How outragous / true / campfire do I make the tone. Only theas#@&%es names will bechanged. Put up or shut up....
Pix, Pix, Pix.
Thanks!
Paul
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JOEY.F
Gym climber
It's not rocket surgery
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Apr 21, 2011 - 09:50pm PT
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Don't change the names Paul. What goes down at the show stays at the show. (knott really, heh.) Looking forewared to it!
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Apr 24, 2011 - 08:13am PT
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Morphine makes me sound funny. My last two posts were spelled / composed worse than any others. I have been trippin'! New strong drugs have got me to a place(s) that is much more entertaining than constant pain. Perhaps it is fronm watching TV too much now, but my mind seems split into tiny chanels, one main feed with a hundred little screens.
I will start tlking to Ruth about....
Exactly. Reboot!
My mind wanders. I will often realize that I am talking out some elaborate story I see vividly in my brain. Then, upon seeing Ruth's face and confuzed expression, I realize I have been spewing nonscence. Huh! I've moved from throwing up bile to regurgitating thoughts and fantasies. It's almost a train-of-thought-thing that just won't stop.
I'm a loud bastard
no matter what I do.
Luckiy for me
I found one of the FEW
who can stand this
sort of strong Man
and keep him
chasing Her LOVE...
I LOVE RUTH. I LOVE HER!
I found her. I found Love!
(I didn't even deserve it. But she came.)
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rlf
Trad climber
Josh, CA
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Apr 24, 2011 - 08:25am PT
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"(And I didn't even deserve it. But she came.)"
You found it because you deserve it far more than you know.
Best wishes!
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Jan
Mountain climber
Okinawa, Japan
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Apr 24, 2011 - 12:36pm PT
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Nice photos.
Don't worry about coherency or spelling or grammar.
Just enjoy being without pain.
We're happy for you that you found something that finally works.
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Apr 24, 2011 - 01:18pm PT
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thanks for posting Paul. Loved the pics, your coherency given circumstances is just fine. I know you don't like the heavy meds but it seems better than the terrible pain. Rather read about your "vomiting" strange and crazy thoughts and stories than bile! Got my cuppa tea here, enjoying it with you. You are my guidance on how to live life on your own terms! Susan
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Iclimb5.1
climber
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Apr 24, 2011 - 04:52pm PT
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Thanks for the Paypal reminder scuffyb. I sent a little...I hope others can too.
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donini
Trad climber
Ouray, Colorado
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Apr 24, 2011 - 05:04pm PT
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Tony Bird
climber
Northridge, CA
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Apr 25, 2011 - 10:42pm PT
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what a grand climb that is--thanks for posting and here's to paul.
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urasenke13
climber
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Apr 26, 2011 - 01:24am PT
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Mr. Humperhay!
My trip up north never materialized, but I have some time at my disposal, and I can come up whenever it's best for you. Even short notice works since I am only 6 hours away. Love you buddy. Thanks for posting the pics. I'll see you soon.
Nolan
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neebee
Social climber
calif/texas
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Apr 26, 2011 - 02:03am PT
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hey there say, disaster master.... just stopped in wish you a happier spring, now that easter has sprung reminders of the lord in the hearts of many...
god bless... and may the spring turn nice for you, in some special ways...
:)
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okaythatsme
climber
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Apr 26, 2011 - 02:51am PT
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I am glad you are not in constant pain. I see your being watched over through the years, decades, even when you don't think so. You are cared for and loved.
I would like see you, whether in Santa Rosa or if you are up further north if that is okay. Again, I would understand if it is too much. :)marcella
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Jerry Dodrill
climber
Sebastopol, CA
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Apr 26, 2011 - 10:27pm PT
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Where's the "LIKE" button? ^
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Apr 26, 2011 - 10:57pm PT
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Drinking my tea, as usual, and thinking of you, Paul!
Susan
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nita
Social climber
chica from chico. spring days..yeah!
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Apr 26, 2011 - 11:25pm PT
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Paul,
You and this thread continue to always amaze me . The openness and honesty dealing with your melanoma is something you rarely see. I want to thank you for your incredible writing and your strength. You opened a window that made it ok to talk about your life & death struggles. When we are no longer able to read your words, the silence will be deafening.
We are blessed with your beautiful writing and for honestly sharing your life with us here...Thank you..Thank you..Thank you..
Saludos..Best wishes to you and Ruth and Pastor Dave..
xoxo
nita
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Jan
Mountain climber
Okinawa, Japan
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Apr 27, 2011 - 04:54am PT
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I can't say it better than Nita just did.
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Jaybro
Social climber
Wolf City, Wyoming
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Apr 27, 2011 - 09:48am PT
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Moab vibes sent!
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lyn
Social climber
humboldt county
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Apr 27, 2011 - 05:33pm PT
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Hey Paul,
I remember when you were growing your hair out - it grew at least 3 or 4 inches high before falling over.
Holding you in my thoughts - lots of love and light from HumCo.
Lyn Jones
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Apr 28, 2011 - 12:05am PT
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Still alive, Contrary to some's beliefs, I live on. Just got done with an afternoon of visiting fam. and friend. Smiles all around.
Eric, I will call you soon.
Ruth and I need some chill time. too much concern, but not enough alone time.
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dougs510
Social climber
down south
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Apr 28, 2011 - 12:53am PT
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Hey buddy,
Hang tough, though I don't know you personally, I am your brother and am thankful for your presence in my life. I've spent alot of time pushing for Bean, basically because we've climbed together and all, but I am positive that we could have just as much of a blast hanging together as Bean and I. Be assured that my thoughts and prayers are with you.
Be strong my friend and may peace be with you.
Your forever friend in the vertical world!
Doug
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SofCookay
climber
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Apr 28, 2011 - 12:54am PT
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Paul, there have been very few people in my life that have inspired me and that I truly admire - my partner is one of them and you would be the other. I now have a motorcycle (and yes, I even ride it!) and am planning on climbing my first wall, even though I am a climber (12 years) that is quite afraid of extreme exposure. When I feel weak or think that I just can't do it, I will think of you.
Sending a smile and hugs to you and Ruth :)
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Apr 28, 2011 - 02:22pm PT
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Enjoy some down time with Ruth. Post when you're ready. Raising my cuppa tea to both of you! Susan
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yllw2lip
Social climber
Orange, CA
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Apr 30, 2011 - 01:36am PT
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Paul, I am sad we have to leave in the morning already, but so happy we got some good chats in while Dad, Nate and I were here. You are an amazing person and I am so very very blessed to have you as my big brother. The words "Don't think about what you can't do but think about what you can learn from this." will always be with me. I will do my best not to be fustrated by the distance that keeps me from visiting you more often and from being a support to you during these difficult and painful times in your life. I know you are blessed to have Ruth there who loves you immensely and I am comforted in knowing that she is taking good care of you and loving you as she does. I am so happy you are not alone in this journey. If I can't be around to hold your hand to the end (which is not necessarily my job, I know) I am happy you have Ruth's to hold.
Here is a pic of your growling buddy. That was fun to watch you two exchange "words" lol. XOXO love you!!
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neebee
Social climber
calif/texas
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Apr 30, 2011 - 02:26am PT
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hey there say, disaster master/ paul...
wow, what a very VERY special picture and special time for you, there...
god bless...
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Apr 30, 2011 - 03:11pm PT
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ahh...look at that loving looks flow between the two of you! Susan
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Gal
Trad climber
a semi lucid consciousness
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Apr 30, 2011 - 03:19pm PT
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Hey Paul, I hope you are feeling comfortable and having good thoughts. Hope to hear how you are doing. And hope that you and Ruth are having a good time being together. Family visiting is always nice. My family was just out, it always seems too quiet when they leave.
-Catherine.
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okaythatsme
climber
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Hi you :)
A sweet photo of you and Aiden. I hope you are having a nice quiet and peaceful evening and quiet times with Ruth.
Just a little hello :) Also warm wishes to your siblings :)
With love,
Marcella
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - May 2, 2011 - 05:16pm PT
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I will not do a show tomorrow. It is too much stress and is tearing me apart. My Dad invited my brother and others without telling us. I found out by clicking on here. I quit. My dad hyjacked my thread. my girlfriend thinks I'm nuts and I don't want anymore stress. this was supposed to be my space. NO SHOW TOMorrow.
Leave me and Ruth alone!
Paul
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Paul, it's your life. Live it the way you want. Behind you all the way!
Susan
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okaythatsme
climber
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Your thread, your place of expression and it's good to hear your voice so clear :) you're not nuts on the contrary. Do what you need to do. Call or connect when you need to connect.
:) marcella
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Jerry Dodrill
climber
Sebastopol, CA
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Paul, No worries here. Thanks for letting us know. Peace be with you my friend.
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silentone
Mountain climber
wisconsin
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Paul,
Mabye you should do the show. I know you really want to. Stress is in your mind. You can do this and I hope you do. Best wishes man I feel your pain.
Love to you and Ruth
S.O. (another Paul)
p.s. if you can't you can't
no worrys
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - May 3, 2011 - 11:55am PT
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We have been over-run with changing treatments, worsening health, and well meaning well wishers.
EVERY day has brought an unexpected guest, or a new hospice nurse that needs to be filled in AGAIN on my whole history, or other assorted interuptions. AAARRGGGHH! Not to mention the growing, pain filled tumor.
And worst of all, Ruth does all she can and then is told by "experts" to do it differently. She works her ass off, but is criticized for minor points. At work, requests for updates about me are incessant. She can't even escape to the Yoga studio without constant reminders of how sick I am, how much everyone wants to hear about it and "Have you tried this?" comments.
Stop, kind comforters. We need quiet and space. We know you care. Time alone and $ to help cover the drowning expenses are the two gifts we have received lately that really help. Leaving Earth costs lots of cash, and Ruth is generating all that is not donated. (Thank you!)
We hope to get a week without surprises and extra frustrations. We miss each other.
Love you all...
Paul.
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Jan
Mountain climber
Okinawa, Japan
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I'm sending another check. I hope others will too.
If everyone who has learned and grown from your writings about climbing
and your journey here would just send a few dollars, that would help a lot.
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - May 3, 2011 - 02:20pm PT
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Jan
Mountain climber
Okinawa, Japan
May 3, 2011 - 10:51am PT
I'm sending another check. Wow, Jan. Not required, but certainly appreciated. Namaste!
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Zache
Social climber
Arcata, ca
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Hey Paul, I had a great time hanging out the other day. Thanks for the pizza. thinking about you.
I am having a great time in Yosemite so far. What a change! Missing everyone, cabin fever hit a little early, and so excited to be here at the same time. plenty of mixed feelings.
how do we do this paypal thing?
-zach
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - May 3, 2011 - 02:34pm PT
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Zacke,
Go to paypal.com
Follow the directions to send or give money.
donate from your account to mine labeled sticksandstones@cliffhanger.com. Kind of like sending a money e mail. got to the sit. it is easy. THANKS!
Lots of fun seeing you. Wish it could have been more chill.
Paul
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Babushka
Trad climber
CT
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Paul, can I send the personal check on your name to your address?
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couchmaster
climber
pdx
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Interesting web site:
http://www.hopstudios.com/penmachine.html
Here it is. I'm dead, and this is my last post to my blog. In advance, I asked that once my body finally shut down from the punishments of my cancer, then my family and friends publish this prepared message I wrote—the first part of the process of turning this from an active website to an archive............
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Crimpergirl
Sport climber
Boulder, Colorado!
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Wow Couchmaster. Thanks for sharing that. Amazing.
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Iclimb5.1
climber
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I hope things are mellowing for you and Ruth.
Big hug.
Vicky
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John_Box
Ice climber
Bellingham
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Paul, I gotta figure out some money stuff but there should be a bit more coming once I separate my Paypal info from the dust bunnies wandering around in my brain. Cool photos at Supercrack, it sure looks like a absolutely beautiful area and a hell of a climb. Thanks for posting those Jim.
John
Edit: Does it work to say I'm buying something so that you get all of the money? I always forget how this damn thing works if anyone could fill me in.
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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John...the way it works for me is that if on a debit card paypal charges something like 1.75 if on credit card no fee charged. I just click on the tab that says something like send money. I have no idea what the receiver gets that "converts" it to money but it must work because I usually get a thanks. Susan
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - May 7, 2011 - 01:31pm PT
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UPDATE:
We have had some time to breathe and also slow down a bit. But "life" is far cry from our idea of a minimally happy existance. Too much...everything. I have had no major improvments from the radiaton treatment. In general I am depressed. Even thinking back over past adventures gives me no joy. I just want to be in charge of my own going. And that does not seem to be the case yet.
My heart beats
Unwanted still.
This insitstent pulse
is hard to kill...
My heart beats,
Unwanted, still.
(Just be still)
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SteveW
Trad climber
The state of confusion
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Best wishes, Paul.
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Great angst and heartbreak. This time I am sitting here with a beer. Fitting that I am virtually sharing something stronger with you today. Regardless of the lack of control you feel you have over your life at present, those of us looking in have witnessed a man that has always lived life on his own terms. Susan
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JOEY.F
Gym climber
It's not rocket surgery
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Thanks for continuing to post, Paul. Pulling for you. And Ruth too.
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Seamstress
Trad climber
Yacolt, WA
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Peace.
No one has control.
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reddirt
climber
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re: paypal
I thought they didn't charge if money is sent as a gift?
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okaythatsme
climber
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Breathe... there are small quiet places among all the dark trapped feelings in the mind. Not easy to find. One breath after another. A tranquil pulse without thought.
On the ocean, I have found the most soothing places right next to treacherous ones where water crashes on the sharp rocks.
I hope you can find some of those soothing spots and just quietly breathe.
with love,
marcella
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rlf
Trad climber
Josh, CA
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"I thought they didn't charge if money is sent as a gift?"
Why does it matter if they charge. Either send the gift or don't.
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yllw2lip
Social climber
Orange, CA
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Reddirt: I just sent money as a gift through PayPal, there was no fee. I don't know if its at a certain amount they charge or not. But if they do charge I am sure the fee is nominal, and any amount you could send my brother is greatly appreciated.
Thanks.
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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on a debit card they charge...I think I paid less than a $1 charge by using my debit card. I don't believe there is a charge when you use a credit card. Susan
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Jan
Mountain climber
Okinawa, Japan
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May 10, 2011 - 01:40am PT
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I closed my Paypal account due to identity theft issues
so I did things the old fashioned way and mailed a check.
That works too.
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nature
climber
Railay, Thailand
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May 10, 2011 - 01:43am PT
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they charge a fee to the person receiving the funds not the person sending.
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Gene
climber
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May 12, 2011 - 07:47pm PT
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Thinking about you Paul.
g
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Seamstress
Trad climber
Yacolt, WA
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May 12, 2011 - 08:06pm PT
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Every time this thread pops up, I have to look at it. Hoping today is a good day for you.
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JOEY.F
Gym climber
It's not rocket surgery
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May 12, 2011 - 11:01pm PT
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How's it going Paul.
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Jan
Mountain climber
Okinawa, Japan
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May 13, 2011 - 01:08am PT
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Paul-
As you can tell if you see this at all, your posts and ours have withered away or else we have engaged in insignificant natterings to distract ourselves from the real issue which is your suffering and ongoing demise.
Our culture does not deal with the end of life well at all and we all reflect this. Please do not take this for lack of love and concern. Most people are just at a loss as to what to say.
Also since most of us only know you through this thread, we don't know if your childhood religious upbringing is a comfort to you now or not. Knowing you through this thread however, I would imagine your strategy will be to face this as one more adventure, curious about the other side. Whatever the passage to the other side leads to, love and light, or eternal sleep, you can be sure that there will be less pain than now.
In the meantime, know you have made a huge impact on our lives and we will think of your example of courage when our time comes and many times in between. Meanwhile we wish the best under the circumstances and send our hope that you are as pain free and recollected as possible. And we thank you once again, for sharing this journey with us.
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graniteclimber
Trad climber
The Illuminati -- S.P.E.C.T.R.E. Division
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May 13, 2011 - 01:48am PT
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Every time this thread pops up, I have to look at it. Hoping today is a good day for you.
Me too. We're thinking of you even though we don't have much to say.
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TeleMele
climber
Hood RIver, OR
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May 13, 2011 - 02:59am PT
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Sending love and light your way Paul. Thanks for being a part of my journey and sharing so many adventures. Thinking of your laugh and enthusiasm for life always brings a smile to my face.
Love you brother!
Melanie
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silentone
Mountain climber
wisconsin
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May 13, 2011 - 04:08am PT
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+1 What Jan said.
Very well said.
Wishing you well Paul.
S.O. (another Paul)
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Jaybro
Social climber
Wolf City, Wyoming
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May 13, 2011 - 09:12am PT
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"We're thinking of you even if we don't have much to say."
Amen!
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Pastor Dave
Social climber
Yucca Valley, CA
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May 13, 2011 - 11:06am PT
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To all, Please keep posting, you are a wonderful example of truly caring friends.
Paul's Dad
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Brian
climber
California
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May 13, 2011 - 11:25am PT
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I hope things are unfolding in a way with which you are comfortable (given, of course, the circumstances). I admire both the fight you've given this, and the equanimity (angry outbursts aside--who wouldn't have them?!?) with which you are winding it down. We should all hope to do as well.
Brian
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Seamstress
Trad climber
Yacolt, WA
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May 13, 2011 - 12:29pm PT
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Your struggle reminds me so much of my mom's struggle. I admire the determination, creativity, and ferocity of your fight. Try to find some joy in every second left in life. I still see my baby propped in mom's arms, reading a book. This precious grandma/grandbaby moment delighted both. Very soon thereafter, mom was gone, but the smiles she gave others still lingered.
I wish for you a day with less pain, where your family and friends can show you their affection and care for you. It is truly a gift to be able to care for someone else. It may be an uncomfortable gift to receive. Ultimately it is a gift to the giver as the discover what is truly important in this world, and it is not the hunt for fame or glory.
It is difficult to find the right words when we aren't in the same place.
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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May 13, 2011 - 01:37pm PT
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Brewing my tea, thinking of you... Susan
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LuckyPink
climber
the last bivy
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May 13, 2011 - 02:31pm PT
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Bless, Heart
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Gene
climber
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May 13, 2011 - 03:59pm PT
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Friday afternoon Paul bump. Wishing you peace and comfort.
g
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - May 13, 2011 - 08:26pm PT
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Hello all, it's Paul.
I am a bit more alert so I can write a response. Thanks and love for all the well wishes and gifts. It all helps. I am suffereing from a cut/bed sore and am uncomfortable in most positions. Oh, well. Just gotta deal.
Life is very emotional right now....lots of good but intense talks with Ruth. She seems more rested now.
I just finished radiation treatment. Have some burning on my crotch from the treatments. So far the help has been minor, but it might stil improve over the next week.
Only climbing is in my head lately.
So, overall things are staggering on, and I'll let you know more later.
Thanks all,
Paul
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scuffy b
climber
dissected alluvial deposits, late Pleistocene
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May 13, 2011 - 09:22pm PT
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Thanks for the update, Paul.
Wishing you well...
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nita
Social climber
chica de chico, I don't claim to be a daisy.
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May 13, 2011 - 09:39pm PT
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Yes, so good to hear from you.....
Saludos...
xo
nita
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BrassNuts
Trad climber
Save your a_s, reach for the brass...
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May 13, 2011 - 10:44pm PT
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Sending strength and good thoughts to you and Ruth in these tough times...
Dave
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Steve Grossman
Trad climber
Seattle, WA
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May 13, 2011 - 10:59pm PT
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We're pulling for you Paul.
You are a good man in a tough situation and you are handling it admirably.
Keep us posted and keep battling as you need to.
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SteveW
Trad climber
The state of confusion
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May 13, 2011 - 11:00pm PT
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Good to hear from you, Paul.
My thoughts are with you and Ruth.
Best.
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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May 13, 2011 - 11:20pm PT
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Thanks Paul for the update..I know how even that can sap your energy. Susan
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JOEY.F
Gym climber
It's not rocket surgery
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May 13, 2011 - 11:53pm PT
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Good to hear from you Paul.
There's a vortex of good vibes for you here, always swirling around you.
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stevep
Boulder climber
Salt Lake, UT
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May 14, 2011 - 12:53am PT
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Thanks for the update and the window into your life. My thoughts are with you.
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Captain...or Skully
climber
or some such
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May 14, 2011 - 12:57am PT
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Respect.
Thinkin' & hopin'. Definite fan.
Dig it.
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all in jim
climber
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May 14, 2011 - 02:49am PT
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Hey Paul,
Thanks for the update. Wishing and wishing you well. You are tough as they come.
Jim T
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okaythatsme
climber
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May 14, 2011 - 07:30pm PT
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Good to hear your voice! Wishing you good moments today.
With love,
Marcella
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neebee
Social climber
calif/texas
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May 14, 2011 - 08:05pm PT
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hey there say, paul.... good to hear from you....
sending some prayer-blessings for something special to be there to cheer your weekend...
god blesss....
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Gene
climber
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May 16, 2011 - 04:21pm PT
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Thinking about you, Paul.
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Gene
climber
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May 19, 2011 - 11:32am PT
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Paul,
Wishing you and yours peace and comfort. All of you are in my thoughts.
g
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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May 19, 2011 - 01:51pm PT
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Hey Paul, just brewed my tea. I've morphed from a cue ball to a tennis ball on top. I think about you all the time. I hope you have decent pain meds that don't blotto you out too much. I know you hate that. Susan
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - May 19, 2011 - 02:42pm PT
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Its a painful day. But the Sun is shining...
Paul
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Seamstress
Trad climber
Yacolt, WA
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May 19, 2011 - 02:58pm PT
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Hope the sun kisses your cheeks today
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scuffy b
climber
dissected alluvial deposits, late Pleistocene
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May 19, 2011 - 04:22pm PT
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Hope you fall asleep in the sun today.
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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May 19, 2011 - 07:30pm PT
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But the Sun is shining...
and so are you, my friend, for so many of us. Susan
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okaythatsme
climber
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May 20, 2011 - 04:40am PT
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SunLight inside and out.
Sending thoughts of good dreams to you.
With love,
Marcella
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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May 23, 2011 - 10:48pm PT
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Hey Paul, sitting here with a cuppa tea. Can you believe it was a toss up between a beer and tea? Beer knocks me out way too early so tea it is and hoping maybe the radiation is shrinking your tumor? Susan
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Wen
climber
Jackson, WY
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May 23, 2011 - 11:37pm PT
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Every time I see this thread come up I mean to post, but then I never find the right words and instead I stop myself. And then my heart jumps out of my chest when I see it come up again, and I realize you are still with us, and not only that, you're finding the energy to share with us. I can't thank you enough for sharing with us Paul. Such a generous person, I don't even know you and I'm thankful you've been part of my life, even In this remote Internet world.
I'm sorry I don't post something inspirational to you every day, i wish i was a better person in that regard. But I think of you every day, is that enough?
I hope you know you are surrounded by people who care a great deal about you. Internet or not, we're all with you.
May the sun give you some happiness today.
Wendy Laakmann
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - May 24, 2011 - 01:38pm PT
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A short photo update...
Tired. More soon.
Love to all,
Paul
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Seamstress
Trad climber
Yacolt, WA
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May 24, 2011 - 01:41pm PT
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Good to see the smiles.
Children and pets aren't afraid of sick people. They can bring some joy. Good gift.
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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May 24, 2011 - 04:25pm PT
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I am so HAPPY to see you got outside. That looks like a complicated climbing/play structure. You look pretty darn good for all you are going through. Is the raditation having any effect? It also looks like your pain meds are not "blotto-ing" you out...tons of personality coming through those blue eyes and smiles. Awww...kitty...of course he loves you...who wouldn't love you. Of course I am sitting here with a cuppa tea sharing it virutally with you! Susan
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BrassNuts
Trad climber
Save your a_s, reach for the brass...
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May 24, 2011 - 04:39pm PT
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Nice kitten! Very cool addition to your family. I'm sure you'll enjoy the feline company :-)
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Jobee
Social climber
El Portal Ca.
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May 24, 2011 - 04:59pm PT
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Hi Paul!
I love the new images you posted; the climbing looks grand, and so do you!
Blink is an absolute love .. you look so happy; this made my day.
Yes, yes I do believe he loves you, HOW could he not.
Just want you to know you're in my thoughts here in Yosemite Land.
You can still come here you know!
Love, love, love, to you, Ruth, your family, and sweet cuddles to Blink
Jo Whitford
p.s. in case you didn't know I have 5 kitties .. they make life so purrrr...fect!
here's my newest one Biggie .. rescued from the pet smart prison.
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J. Werlin
Social climber
Cedaredge, CO
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May 24, 2011 - 05:37pm PT
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Nice send Paul!
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Footloose
Trad climber
Lake Tahoe
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May 24, 2011 - 05:56pm PT
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You are one cool cat, Paul.
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okaythatsme
climber
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May 24, 2011 - 11:47pm PT
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Cats are where it's at :) Blink is so sweet. I'm glad you got outside and that you posted these fine photos. Have a good restful night.
with love, marcella.
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S.Leeper
Sport climber
Pflugerville, Texas
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May 25, 2011 - 12:47am PT
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Awesome cat! Looks like a lion
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Jerry Dodrill
climber
Sebastopol, CA
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May 25, 2011 - 12:56am PT
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Cool Paul. You're getting out climbing more that me! Nice send.
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Brian
climber
California
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May 25, 2011 - 01:53am PT
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So glad you are getting out, and smiling, and seeing friends and family.
Wishing the best for you.
Brian
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all in jim
climber
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May 25, 2011 - 02:10am PT
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Hey Paul, glad to see you out in the sun!
Sending good wishes your way,
Jim
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Iclimb5.1
climber
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May 25, 2011 - 09:18pm PT
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Hey Paul, love the top out!!
Blink is too damned cute for words!
Thanks for the photos...good to see you smiling. Man you have some thick locks of hair!
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Crimpergirl
Sport climber
Boulder, Colorado!
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May 25, 2011 - 09:24pm PT
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Blink is adorable! Thanks for posting...
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JOEY.F
Gym climber
It's not rocket surgery
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May 26, 2011 - 12:45pm PT
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CoolCatMaster, good to see the send and the smiles.
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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May 26, 2011 - 12:52pm PT
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CoolCatMaster
OMG, that reminds of the infamous "Herding Cats" commercial. Well if anyone can master a cat it will be Paul. As I stare down at muddy cat prints all over my desk. Goin' downstairs to brew my tea. Sharing it with you Paul as you master your cat, Blink! Susan
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hall
Social climber
Eureka, CA
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May 26, 2011 - 05:18pm PT
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Hey Paul, I haven't posted here yet, but I have been keeping up on yours and others posts. It is good to see the hairy you...try to stay positive, I know it isn't easy. Peace, Greg
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Jan
Mountain climber
Okinawa, Japan
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May 26, 2011 - 11:11pm PT
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Disaster Master-
Always full of surprises!
Great to see your new route variation in the park in the midst of the ongoing epic.
Hospice definitely knows how to get and give good drugs.
Thinking of you and sending positive energy everyday.
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TeleMele
climber
Hood RIver, OR
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May 30, 2011 - 04:58pm PT
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Yay!
Sweet sweet kitty! Nice surprise Ruth!
Love your mountain man look Paul.
Be well!
Lot O' Love,
Melanie
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Jan
Mountain climber
Okinawa, Japan
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May 30, 2011 - 11:27pm PT
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Yes, very beautiful kitty and she's lucky to have you as her stay at home mom so she isn't lonely all day.
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okaythatsme
climber
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May 31, 2011 - 11:34pm PT
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Good evening :) Just wanting to let you know I'm thinking of you and hoping it is a good night for you.
with love, marcella
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Tony Bird
climber
Northridge, CA
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paul--
this may be a sensitive subject, but being in josh here for most of the spring climbing season, i emailed your dad and had a nice cup of coffee with him recently, just a way of trying to give y'all some personal support from a bystander. i think the humphreys are a great clan, your dad was a delightful conversationist, but, like all in the clergy, he's a compulsive soul-saver, and i'm sure would be the first to admit it. if you do make it out this way and want a "referee" from a fellow black sheep, i'm here for you. otherwise, all of the best, and hope to have another conversation sometime as we did out here last winter.
tony
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scuffy b
climber
dissected alluvial deposits, late Pleistocene
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Paul, I wish you the joy of seeing Blink as an old kitty.
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Gene
climber
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Hey Paul,
Wishing you warm sunshine and pleasant breezes.
g
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neebee
Social climber
calif/texas
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hey there say, paul!! wonderful to see you out with family...
seeing you smile, as the others said, too, is a wonderful share, and the kitten is medicine to the soul:
course it is warm and fuzzy, as it "seeps in" and has a tendency for "side affecdts" and "after affects":
side affects/after affects of kitten (or puppy) medicine--that being:
it makes you smile when you wake up, or in mid day, or come evening, for no apparent reason... :)
god bless, thanks for the update...
:)
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JLC
climber
Flatland, USA
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Love the caveman look. Go with it.
Love you Paul.
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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my tea kettle is boiling...I'll pour a cuppa for you too! Sharing time together if not the same space! My kitty has been been "gifting" me regularly with smaller furry creatures with tails...some not so little, eeechkeech eech and on and on. Susan
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Guck
Trad climber
Santa Barbara, CA
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Paul,
Like many other ST climbers, I have followed in silence this thread, may be because discussing cancer is a bit too close to home. Your posts, and the answers have really inspired me by example, and I have now a more positive attitude before my dreaded next PET scan in a few weeks. You taught us that fighting hard is worth it, and to always keep focused on why we live for.
Most of all, I want to thank you for saving many lives. You have convinced many of us not to treat moles as just a blemish on our skin, but rather as a threat to our lives. I am certain that most of the readers are now convinced that melanoma is very serious and will do something about it. May be one in ten readers will end up seeing a dermatologist, may be one in ten will have a mole removed, but in the end that will add to many lives saved!
I wish you peace and strength. Keep grabbing for the happy moments of life! My heart is with you.
Phillip.
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okaythatsme
climber
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Hi Paul :) Wishing you a good afternoon! Continuing to send warm greetings to you and Ruth and hope you can savor a nice day. with love, marcella
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msiddens
Trad climber
Mountain View
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As always his thread, your story and spirit inspire me. Peace to the fight.
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Gal
Trad climber
a semi lucid consciousness
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Hi Paul, thinking of you. -Catherine
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Jun 8, 2011 - 10:09pm PT
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Hi all.
Just emerged from a "Pain Crisis". Could not talk without crying the last few days. I gave up and changed meds to higher levels. Now I am down to a livable level, but it still hurts like hell.
Overall this was a good day at home w Ruth. We sat in the Sun a bit and in general finally chilled a bit. Dopy all the time now on the new med regimne
PS thanks for all the notes comments, $, poetry, etc. It all helps.
Paul
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Brian
climber
California
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Still thinking of you here Paul. Glad to hear you had a good day, and that the meds have reduced the pain level (even if they leave you a bit dopey). Take care.
BRian
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Jan
Mountain climber
Okinawa, Japan
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Disaster Master-
We're always glad to get a bit of news from you now and then and don't worry about being dopey on pain meds. A lot of us manage to be dopey even without them.
Meanwhile, sending you positive thoughts from Japan.
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Kpav
Social climber
Flagaz
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Hi Paul.
Kopavi here. I have often wondered about you over the last few years. I always think of you on our birthday. I even tried calling, but your number stopped working long ago.
Today I am sitting at my desk at work (a loooong way from the top of a tree) and out of boredom I surfed the intraweb. one thing led to another and I found myself on your ST thread. Now I understand why we lost touch. I am so, so sorry to read about your struggles, and I am, as always, deeply moved and inspired by your spirit. I read the whole thread from top to bottom and I was ridiculously relieved to see you are still alive!
thought you might like to know what I've been up to since I last saw you several years ago (after Nick's wedding, I believe). Anyway, I am living in Flagstaff, AZ. I got married to my lovely lady, Katrina, a year ago. I think you met her last time. She is the light of my life, and I only hope we can be as strong for each other as Ruth is for you. I am working for a solar electric company, selling solar panels and stuff. Every time we sell a solar panel to some hippie for his VW van, I think of you and the times we spent camped out in your old van. Can't say as if I have been climbing much, the stone here doesn't speak to me the way the mossy Humboldt rock did. But I spend most of my free time hiking in the mountains behind town and at the Grand Canyon. The Grand Canyon is an amazing place full of adventures and unknowns. In fact, after hiking several thousand miles there over the last five years, just a couple weeks ago I roped up in the canyon for the very first time on a scary, slick, 5.7 limestone traverse, 20' off the ground with no protection. Holy sh#t, it scared me silly, kinda like Trinity Aretes always did. But there are a bunch more buttes and peaks in the canyon to climb...
Anyways, I hope this finds you feeling better today. I think I have some pics from my time in Humboldt. I am happy to post them, if you would like.
Love ya.
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okaythatsme
climber
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Jun 10, 2011 - 06:15pm PT
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Hi to you :)
Glad you are getting what you need to control the pain. Each good day is wonderful. That is what we all hope to simply experience, I believe. I am grateful for the day, hour, or minute when I'm not cruising through yesterdays and tomorrows, but am able to use all my senses to be aware what's surrounding me in the moment with a peaceful mind. Wishing you and Ruth a good day today! with love, marcella
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neebee
Social climber
calif/texas
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Jun 10, 2011 - 07:37pm PT
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hey there say, :)
just saying 'hey there' to you and ruth...
and all your family...
:)
god bless...
:)
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TeleMele
climber
Hood RIver, OR
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Jun 13, 2011 - 03:46am PT
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Hi Paul,
Thinking of you! Glad you are managing the pain.
I meant to tell you I went to SLC for a conference a month or so ago. Stayed across the road from the Shiloh at the Hilton. Brought back memories of our OR adventures way back when! I have to say, the hilton was a bit more comfortable than the ole Shiloh... The thought of me pushing your wheel chair around the show with my broken foot and trying to explain ourselves still cracks me up.
SLC has changed a bunch since I lived there, but still the same overall. Was amazing to get into the mountains again for a ski. So big and open. I feel lucky to have spent so much time there. But always great to come home to Oregon.
Enjoy those sunny beautiful days!
Much Love,
Melanie
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okaythatsme
climber
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Jun 16, 2011 - 12:10am PT
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Hi there Paul! I hope it is another good evening for you. Just checking in. The days have been very bright this past week. My eyes and nose have taken a beating with all the pollen in the air. But it is nice to see all the flowers blooming in a variety of bright colors. I'm glad to see all the people checking in with you on this thread :) with love, marcella
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Guck
Trad climber
Santa Barbara, CA
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Jun 17, 2011 - 11:01pm PT
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Hi Paul,
Just came back from the Valley. It was great, despite traffic jams going in and out. The Merced river is rushing furiously,and there are gorgeous blue wild flower along the roads everywhere. I thought of you often, hoping that you will have a chance to see it soon. You give me strength, and I did some of my hardest leads in years! Getting older, I want to take every chance to enjoy life. I wish you peace and strength.
Phillip.
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Jun 18, 2011 - 12:51pm PT
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Hi Paul, "no news good news?" are you on radiation still? Sitting here with my morning tea. We've been working on the boat so haven't been up to the Valley in awhile. Hugs to Ruth and kitty too! Susan
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Guck
Trad climber
Santa Barbara, CA
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Jun 19, 2011 - 01:08pm PT
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Happy Fathers day Paul!
With love from Gym Birdwell and Blink
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okaythatsme
climber
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Jun 22, 2011 - 06:10pm PT
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Hi Paul,
Wishing you a good day. Thinking of you and always hoping that you are comfortable and without pain. with love, marcella
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Pastor Dave
Social climber
Yucca Valley, CA
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Jun 22, 2011 - 07:04pm PT
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Hi everyone, Ruth is in L A at her advanced Yoga Instructor Class. I arrived here in Santa Rosa Friday afternoon and have been hanging out with Paul, Lots of pain and frustration but some really good "talk time" too. Tumors continue to grow with new ones popping up with each one adding to the symphony of different pains. The nurse says Paul's heart beat is "strong and regular" Paul's lungs "sound like the wind in the grand canyon". They upped the Methadone and he has been able to cut back some on the Morphine. Talking is exhausting, sitting still is exhausting, getting up and moving around hurts with "pain ambushes" no matter what he does or doesn't do. Are we having fun? With Paul the answer is still YES there is still no one I know who is more interesting or better at analysis of any problem or situation even when he feels like he is only functioning at 50% or 25% of HIS NORMAL!
I am honored and proud to be his Dad!
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Gene
climber
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Jun 22, 2011 - 07:06pm PT
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I am honored and proud to be his Dad!
As you should be, Pastor Dave. Let him know that his friends out here are thinking about him. Thanks for the update.
g
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rick d
climber
ol pueblo, az
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Jun 22, 2011 - 09:01pm PT
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hey paul-
miss your posts, get back to it when you can!
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Mungeclimber
Trad climber
sorry, just posting out loud.
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Jun 23, 2011 - 05:01pm PT
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Saw this today, and am reminded of the objective hazards in life.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/43468687/ns/health-cancer
After scrutinizing the medical records of 1,000 people, an international team of researchers have determined that the risk of melanoma was cut by almost half when people took a daily dose of aspirin for at least five years.
Something for Paul when he gets back around to checking the thread...
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JOEY.F
Gym climber
It's not rocket surgery
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Jun 23, 2011 - 06:14pm PT
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Thanks Pastor Dave for the update. Please know that many keep Paul in their thoughts every day.
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Jun 23, 2011 - 10:44pm PT
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Sitting here with an evening cuppa tea and was nice to see an update on Paul. Thanks Pastor Dave. Is Paul still getting radiation? Susan
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Iclimb5.1
climber
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Jun 24, 2011 - 05:02pm PT
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Thanks from me, too, Pastor Dave for the update. Please tell Paul he is in our thoughts and we continue to send love and positive juju his way.
Vicky, Jeff, and Aaron in Oregon.
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blackbird
Trad climber
the flat water trails...
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Jun 24, 2011 - 05:58pm PT
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Thank you for the update Pastor Dave! Paul (and you and Ruth and the rest of the family) continue(s) to remain in my thoughts, heart and prayers as well...
Samantha
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Pastor Dave
Social climber
Yucca Valley, CA
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Jun 24, 2011 - 10:34pm PT
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Is Paul still getting radiation? Susan
The answer is no, Paul is not getting radiation and will not get anything from here on except meds to diminish his pain. "Diminish" is the best word because it could only be "controlled" by making him unconscious. Paul is Looking forward to Ruth's return and my wife, Marilyn actually wants me to come home too. For now we are "soldiering on" together.
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JLC
climber
Flatland, USA
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Jun 24, 2011 - 10:55pm PT
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I was getting gear together tonight for the family's first camping trip of the summer and came across the headlamps Ruth got for Sam and Pyper. Will be thinking of you even more than usual this weekend.
Love you,
jill
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murcy
Gym climber
sanfrancisco
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Jun 24, 2011 - 10:57pm PT
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Hang in there Dave and Ruth.
Cheers and admiration to you, Paul.
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Fritz
Trad climber
Choss Creek, ID
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Jun 24, 2011 - 11:07pm PT
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Best Wishes always to Paul.
You have been an inspiration for the last year!
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Darwin
Trad climber
Seattle, WA
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Jun 24, 2011 - 11:57pm PT
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Thanks for the Humboldt County threads Paul.
"when I woke up this morning, you were on my mind"
Darwin
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Jan
Mountain climber
Okinawa, Japan
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Jun 25, 2011 - 12:22am PT
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Yes, thank you for the update even though it is not what we wanted to hear.
More good thoughts for Paul from Japan.
Good thoughts for Ruth and Pastor Dave as well. From my own hospice work, I have seen that being helpless to alleviate a loved one's pain and suffering is as difficult as to actually suffer it.
May you all find a place of peace.
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lyn
Social climber
humboldt county
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Jun 25, 2011 - 02:03am PT
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Hi Paul,
Sending more love and light from Humboldt County. We are finally getting some sun - good for the veggie garden. You are one of the most amazing people I know.
Peace and much love,
Lyn
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nita
Social climber
chica de chico, I don't claim to be a daisy.
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Jun 25, 2011 - 02:21am PT
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Pastor Dave, thanks for the up-date..
Paul.. You, Ruth, and your Family- are in our thoughts and prayers..
We are by your side.. collectively wishing for the pain to lessen.
give little Blink a kiss.
Saludos Y Paz..
nita..
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Jun 28, 2011 - 06:53pm PT
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Paul and Ruth, Our hearts have always been joined together through good and bad. True LOVE
We had an amazing day full of sweet memories for all of us. We headed to the nearby mountains to a beautiful spot by a babbling brook. There they exchanged symbols of their eternal love.
The cancer will continue to rob Paul of his strength but his amazing strength of body, mind and spirit as well as Ruth's incredible love and commitment will see them through.
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Gene
climber
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Jun 28, 2011 - 07:14pm PT
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FAR FREAKING OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is wonderful.
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nature
climber
WTF?
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Jun 28, 2011 - 07:26pm PT
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LOVE!!!!!
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graniteclimber
Trad climber
The Illuminati -- S.P.E.C.T.R.E. Division
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Jun 28, 2011 - 08:27pm PT
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Congratulations to the Bride and Groom!
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Crimpergirl
Sport climber
Boulder, Colorado!
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Jun 28, 2011 - 08:40pm PT
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Really beautiful. Thanks so much for sharing this with us. Best to all of you.
edit: Can this ceremony be moved to its own thread? I don't feel it's my place to do it, but it seems to me that it is worthy of it's own thread to share the joy.
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Gene
climber
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Jun 28, 2011 - 08:50pm PT
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^^^^^ Good idea ^^^^^
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Brian
climber
California
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Jun 28, 2011 - 08:58pm PT
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Beautiful.
Set me as a seal upon your heart,
as a seal upon your arm;
for love is stronger than death,
passion fiercer than the grave.
Its flashes are flashes of fire,
a raging flame.
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Ashcroft
Trad climber
SLC, UT
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Jun 28, 2011 - 09:08pm PT
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Congratulations to you both!
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SteveW
Trad climber
The state of confusion
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Jun 28, 2011 - 10:42pm PT
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Congratulations!!!!!
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ncrockclimber
climber
NC
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Jun 28, 2011 - 10:44pm PT
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congratulations. i am very happy for both of you.
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Jun 28, 2011 - 11:01pm PT
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Oh My God....no words can express how happy I am for both of them...the picture is also beautiful! The shared love just radiates through! Susan
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neebee
Social climber
calif/texas
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Jun 28, 2011 - 11:05pm PT
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hey there say, paul and ruth....
awwwwwwwww, this is SO wonderful...>:D<
hugs to you both... see, no matter what, LOVE triumps...
that's why i love love so much, it is REAL...
and when it's there, it just shines...
:)
god's blesings, even more...
congrats so much!!!
*or the upload is not working well, so no cake,
:O
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JOEY.F
Gym climber
It's not rocket surgery
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Jun 28, 2011 - 11:19pm PT
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Tears...Much love to Paul and Ruth.
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MisterE
Social climber
Bouldering the Gnar
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Jun 28, 2011 - 11:41pm PT
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Wonderful.
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Jaybro
Social climber
Wolf City, Wyoming
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Jun 29, 2011 - 12:14am PT
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How very very nice!
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S.Leeper
Sport climber
Pflugerville, Texas
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Jun 29, 2011 - 12:39am PT
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How touching. Congratulations to you both!
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Kpav
Social climber
Flagaz
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Jun 29, 2011 - 11:55am PT
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Woohoo! Beautiful!
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SofCookay
climber
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Jun 29, 2011 - 12:30pm PT
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This is wonderful news and I am so happy for you both - congratulations!!!
Sonya
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Iclimb5.1
climber
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This is wonderful Paul and Ruth!!
Lovely picture <3
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yllw2lip
Social climber
Orange, CA
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Congratulations to my brother and his new wife, Ruth, on their marriage. I am so so so SOOOOO happy for you guys! I have a new sister, yay!!! Jason and I were very happy to hear the news.
Love you guys!
xoxo from Katie and Aiden too :)
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J. Werlin
Social climber
Cedaredge, CO
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FACT: MAZEL TOV!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
or Locker style:
Congrat. . . .
. . . ulations!
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blackbird
Trad climber
the flat water trails...
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YAY!!
Big hugs to you both!
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Kpav
Social climber
Flagaz
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A couple pics from my last trip to Humboldt
Last night I dreamed that I came to visit you. We sat in your front lawn with Ruth and a bunch of your friends. You looked healthy, all things considered, and you were happy and at peace with the world. It was nice visiting with you again.
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Big Daddy B.C.
Trad climber
Palo Alto, Ca.
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PAUL, This is the B C I am sorry it took me this long to get back in touch with another of my great climbing buddies. Reading the posts and learning of you and about you have been great for me. You are the MAN!!! Me I will never lead climb again. A vertabre in my neck shifted and partially cut into my spine cord. I need a cane to walk. left side is partially paralyzed, and the right side is starting to do it also More M R I's next week. Wish me luck. I will stay in touch with you thru this site, unless you have an alternative?
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nature
climber
2006 Toyota Tacoma Wherever US, 00000
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B C in the house..... bump!
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tonesfrommars
Trad climber
California
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Jul 10, 2011 - 08:50pm PT
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I just wanted to sign the guest book. God bless you guys.
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Jul 13, 2011 - 02:28pm PT
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It's my sister Anna's birthday! A bittersweet one for her and I. But no regrets, its YOUR DAY TO SAY HURAH, GOD BLESS. God bless this mysterious mess.
I love you Anna! Whooo--Hoooo!!!!
(Anna, I will call you tonight.)
Hope all is well with the rest of ya. I've got frozen peas in my crotch and good hot coffe in my hand. You know, your typical day.
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Jan
Mountain climber
Okinawa, Japan
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Jul 13, 2011 - 10:55pm PT
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Hi Paul, glad to see you still have your sense of humor!
It's always good to see even a couple of lines from you now and then.
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couchmaster
climber
pdx
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Jul 13, 2011 - 11:07pm PT
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Ditto what Jan said. Some folks would pay extra to have frozen peas in their crotch ya know:-)
...all the best Paul.
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Jul 13, 2011 - 11:25pm PT
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Hi Paul, sitting here drinkin' tea...glad to see a post from you. Gotta love those frozen peas. I've used them on a bum shoulder in the past. Susan
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SteveW
Trad climber
The state of confusion
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Jul 14, 2011 - 12:22am PT
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Good to hear from you, Paul.
I hope you get some relief from the pain.
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JOEY.F
Gym climber
It's not rocket surgery
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Jul 14, 2011 - 12:58am PT
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If you have lemons make lemonaid, if you have frozen peas, make pea...oh well the mind reels...thanks for posting Paul!!!
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Jul 14, 2011 - 05:07pm PT
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Well, another day of growing pain. There sems to be litle other than knocking me out to get any more relief. That's all 4 now.......charge!
Edit: I have a lot of DepeshMode running through my head latly.
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Iclimb5.1
climber
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Jul 15, 2011 - 12:53pm PT
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Hi Paul!
Aaron got a ball in the nuts during a baseball game the other day...I should've given him peas!!
Depeche mode...'I...take...pictures......photographic..pictures'
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NUP5W10wGEA
Vicky
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yllw2lip
Social climber
Orange, CA
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Jul 17, 2011 - 03:22am PT
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Paul,
Thanks for the birthday wishes and for the phone call! I was shocked to hear from you, to tell you the truth. I never know, of course, when you will be feeling up to a phone call. So it was nice that you had a lucid moment and felt good enough to make a call for my birthday, that was special. Thanks again! And I love you lots and lots too!!!!
xo,
your sister
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MH2
climber
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Jul 17, 2011 - 03:31am PT
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Good wishes from the night shift.
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Mighty Hiker
climber
Vancouver, B.C.
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Jul 18, 2011 - 11:09pm PT
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Hi Paul! I hope things are OK today. The sun has come out in Vancouver, so perhaps that's a good sign.
But one little bone to pick. Ever since you posted about chilling with frozen peas, I've been visualizing whirled peas. Could it maybe be mixed vegetables?
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Jul 19, 2011 - 12:51pm PT
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Hi Paul, just thinking about you and Ruth...as I start brewing my morning tea. Susan
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Jul 22, 2011 - 01:47pm PT
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Managed to get ahold of my middle bro, the most(?) Reverend Nathan Humphrey,[Or are you still just a mster of divinity, still?
Sure would be nice to see you adn defnily bfore too long. ( the ewve namage i my figers mkes my tpe,see what mean? Frustrating!
So for ow, Happpy B-Day, Bro.
LOvE YoU, You,Love LOvE YoU, You,Love LOvE YoU, You,Love LOvE YoU, You,Love LOvE YoU, You,Love LOvE YoU, You,Love LOvE YoU, You,Love LOvE YoU, You,Love LOvE YoU, You,Love LOvE YoU, You,Love LOvE YoU, You,Love LOvE YoU, You,Love
BIG Bro, Paul
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Jul 22, 2011 - 02:21pm PT
|
Jeff,
Thanks for our friendship and your posts on ST. I can handle andything except CONSTANT pain. Just pause here or there to recooperat is a all I need to make it seem better an Ii is, or at least breath either.
I am beginning to see that peace chases me just as fast as pain. Pain is a bastard, but I smother it in peace, andwith rage. Oh, it might come ouut a rage atfirst,my go to emotion, but in th end LOVE always wins. Imagine an explosion capping well. Constructivey done and its 'BOOM!, FIRE OUT.MOVE ON. Done wrong, you just got a bigger exxplosion.
Well, I plan on going out
Guys, try nad get you woe to understand constnd ball pain. i am havng have a hard ti getting apprpriate "Oh, shit!" rsponses.
C-Ya
Paul
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dirt claud
Social climber
san diego,ca
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Jul 22, 2011 - 02:48pm PT
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I have followed this thread over the last year and I must say.
Thanks for being such an awesome role model to so many Paul, your strength and willingness to love and live is an example for us all to follow. I pray for your recovery and that your current pain will diminish soon. I'm glad you have such loving and caring friends and family to help you through this as best they can. Have a good weekend
Claudio
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JOEY.F
Gym climber
It's not rocket surgery
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Jul 22, 2011 - 11:18pm PT
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It's good to hear from you Paul. Mr. Claud said it very well. Hope you have a good weekend.
Joe.
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Jul 23, 2011 - 01:27am PT
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Thinking of you Paul. Hoping hospice is able to help with your pain. I don't think I've run into anybody tougher than you are. A man who definitely lives life on his own terms. Susan
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jstan
climber
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Jul 23, 2011 - 01:54am PT
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I have to say this Paul.
You are redefining what it is possible for a person to do.
The bar is so high now we can hardly see it.
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James Doty
Trad climber
Phoenix, Az.
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Jul 23, 2011 - 02:32pm PT
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I just hope I am somewhere near how badass you are when my time comes.
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urasenke13
climber
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Jul 23, 2011 - 05:53pm PT
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Hey there buddy. Think I might be in your neck of the woodsin two weeks. Not sure about my schedule yet. Was hoping you would be up for a visit. Totally understand if not.
Nolan
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TeleMele
climber
Hood RIver, OR
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Jul 26, 2011 - 07:31pm PT
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"In the end Love always wins"
Thanks so much for that Paul, love has been a theme lately that feels so right and freeing. I hope you can feel how you are surrounded by Love at all times by all of us and more, supporting you through this awfulness. You are a well loved rock star!
Just got back from my first annual trip to the dermatologist. Thanks for being the little voice on my shoulder to finally get me in there! So many years at high altitude with fair skin.... Pretty much clear except a little probably-nothing-type-something I'll go back in a few months to have checked. Cherishing my health!
Alrighty, back to my writing... Oh, by the way (!?!) I'm working on a chapter for a book collaboration with a number of other coaches. My part is on "effortless commitment" with a yoga (warrior two pose), health and personal growth theme. Go figure...
Be well warrior!
Lots O Love,
Melanie
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J. Werlin
Social climber
Cedaredge, CO
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Jul 26, 2011 - 07:50pm PT
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Just a shout out to you Paul. Peace brother.
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Brian
climber
California
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Jul 26, 2011 - 11:35pm PT
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Great to hear from you Paul. And glad to hear that love wins out. You're inspiring lots of folks here. Best of luck with your journey.
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Footloose
Trad climber
Lake Tahoe
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Jul 27, 2011 - 12:01am PT
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Hear, hear! what Brian said.
Way to kick ass, Paul. And way to represent courage.
Thanks for the TR and bringing us along.
Send this baby!
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Jul 27, 2011 - 02:32pm PT
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Thanks so much for that Paul, love has been a theme lately that feels so right and freeing. I hope you can feel how you are surrounded by Love at all times by all of us and more, supporting you through this awfulness. You are a well loved rock star!
Just got back from my first annual trip to the dermatologist. Thanks for being the little voice on my shoulder to finally get me in there! So many years at high altitude with fair skin.... Pretty much clear except a little probably-nothing-type-something I'll go back in a few months to have checked. Cherishing my health!
CHERISHING IT TOO, YOURS AND MINE. Fantastic conversation with dd today
"FEEL BETTER, NOT WORSE, AT THE EXPENSE OF NO-ONE.
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Jan
Mountain climber
Okinawa, Japan
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Jul 30, 2011 - 11:25am PT
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I just received this.
Dear Ones, At 8:20 PM on Friday, July 29, 2011, Paul Humphrey ended his earthly Journey of 39 years and 8 months and began his new, Eternal Journey.
We want to thank everyone for their love and prayers over this past year. Please remember Paul in your own, individual way.
We will notify you of any formal or informal gatherings but please feel free to gather in person or on line to share your "Paul Stories". Always remember that Paul would want you to do whatever will make you "feel better, not worse."
Paul's years may have been shorter than expected but his life was much fuller than most.
David and Marilyn Humphrey
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murcy
Gym climber
sanfrancisco
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Jul 30, 2011 - 11:31am PT
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Condolences to all who loved him. A full and inspiring life indeed.
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Guck
Trad climber
Santa Barbara, CA
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Jul 30, 2011 - 11:51am PT
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Sorry to hear the news. Paul's spirit will be with me forever. He did change my attitude and saved many of us. His courage is an awesome inspiration. Thanks Paul!
Phillip.
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nita
Social climber
chica de chico, I don't claim to be a daisy.
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Jul 30, 2011 - 12:14pm PT
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Thinking about Ruth, Pastor Dave, and the whole Humphrey clan....Sending condolences and Love.
Condolences to his friends too..
I never met Paul, but i was always inspired by his strength and honesty. I learned several life lessons from him....
I'm going to miss his presence on this form. It is comforting to know that his spirit lives on in the gift of his writing.....Thanks, Paul.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NAmBkQDAUh4
With love..
nita.
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Jul 30, 2011 - 12:24pm PT
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Oh. I was dx with cancer about a month after Paul started posting. Paul helped me tap into courage I wouldn't have thought possible. I got to meet him in person in December. To know that incredible voice is silenced cuts...oh so deep. To keep his spirit alive through all of us will be a gift.
Hugs to you Phillipe (Guck) ... Yeah, we know exactly the profoundness that Paul brought to our lives. It did change us...very deeply.
Oh Ruth .. Pastor Dave and Marilyn ... The unnaturalness of losing a child...no matter what their age.
Susan
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ncrockclimber
climber
The Desert Oven
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Jul 30, 2011 - 12:50pm PT
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Condolences to the family. I never met Paul, but got a lot from his and Pastor Dave's posts.
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Marco Paulo
Social climber
Humboldt
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Jul 30, 2011 - 01:09pm PT
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Hey Paul Humph-er-rey,
sorry to hear you have left this reality.
Tom called to tell me last night. I love you more then one 'flaming heto-sexual'(to use a phrase you coined) should love another.
sitting here in Massachusetts visiting family and building a deck for my dad.
running behind on the project, as usual.
But I got some good news, my 2 brothers and a dear friend just arrived to help me move the project along. But, more important, we will have a great experience, and make great memories today. And thats what it's all about.
I'm doin' carpentry in flip-flops, shorts and no shirt, listening to Jimmy Buffet...crying and thinking of all the wonderful memories with you.
I should probably dry my tears and get to work, but i want to leave you (or you leave me) with a few words....
'life is what happens when you are busy making other plans'
---john lennon
'the memories of man in his old age are the deeds of a man in his prime'
---pink floyd
'you should be diggin' it while it's happin', 'cause it just might be a one shot deal'
---frank zappa
'And if i don't meet you no more in this world, i'll meet you in the next one, and don't be late, don't be late'
---jimi hendrix
I love you, be well, my friend,
marco(paulo)
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mucci
Trad climber
The pitch of Bagalaar above you
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Jul 30, 2011 - 01:36pm PT
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Thanks Paul for your words, you touched many and I wish you peace in your rest.
Best Regards,
Josh Mucci
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Carolyn C
Trad climber
the long, long trailer
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Jul 30, 2011 - 01:39pm PT
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I have been inspired by the courage and honesty of Paul, Ruth, and Paul's family. My deepest sympathies to all who love Paul.
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nature
climber
back in Tuscon Aridzona....
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Jul 30, 2011 - 03:18pm PT
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oh my... so sorry to hear this news.
I'll dedicate my practice to Paul today.
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martygarrison
Trad climber
Washington DC
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Jul 30, 2011 - 03:19pm PT
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Disaster Masters writings were the high light of this forum for the last year. Gods Speed with your new journey Paul.
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Crimpergirl
Sport climber
Boulder, Colorado!
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Jul 30, 2011 - 03:20pm PT
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An indomidable spirit lost to this world. Very sorry and condolences to those hurting. :(
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rlf
Trad climber
Josh, CA
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Jul 30, 2011 - 04:46pm PT
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While I am very sorry for the loss, I am very happy that the suffering has ended.
Robert
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landcruiserbob
Trad climber
BIG ISLAND or Vail ; just following the sun.......
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Jul 30, 2011 - 04:46pm PT
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Wow, his last statement here on ST pretty much sums it all up.
He was in a good place.
Aloha
RG
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jstan
climber
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Jul 30, 2011 - 04:53pm PT
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What an example he is.
That about says it.
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Russ Walling
Gym climber
Poofter's Froth, Wyoming
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Jul 30, 2011 - 05:13pm PT
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An extremely inspiring and sad story all the way around. Best to Paul in the next one, and all the best to his family and friends in this one.
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Fritz
Trad climber
Choss Creek, ID
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Jul 30, 2011 - 06:29pm PT
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My condolences to all of Paul's family and friends.
He had a very special place on Super-topo for the last year or so, and he will live large in my heart.
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drljefe
climber
El Presidio San Augustin del Tucson
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Jul 30, 2011 - 06:37pm PT
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so sorry for those close.
{{{{Keep on shinin' Paul!}}}}
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labrat
Trad climber
Nevada City, CA
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Jul 30, 2011 - 07:08pm PT
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Bye Paul. :-( Never met you but I feel like I did. Great stories and climbing.
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Darwin
Trad climber
Seattle, WA
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Jul 30, 2011 - 07:57pm PT
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Love and condolences to family and immediate friends. Paul managed to touch a lot of us only through this forum, and that fact mitigates some of the negative feelings I (we?) sometimes have about Supertopo. He was an inspiration to me, and I owe him for making me aware of the Humboldt climbing scene after I left so long ago.
For someone I never met I'm hit remarkably hard by this, but he made me proud to be a human by his attitude, courage, and conduct.
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phylp
Trad climber
Millbrae, CA
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Jul 30, 2011 - 08:20pm PT
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Farewell, Paul. I am glad your earthly pain is ended.
My deepest condolences to Ruth and to Paul's loving family.
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Double D
climber
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Jul 30, 2011 - 08:38pm PT
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My condolences to Paul's family and friends. It's never easy.
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graniteclimber
Trad climber
The Illuminati -- S.P.E.C.T.R.E. Division
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Jul 30, 2011 - 09:41pm PT
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Farewell Paul and thank you for sharing your journey with us. I've been thinking of you often.
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couchmaster
climber
pdx
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Jul 30, 2011 - 09:45pm PT
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Hope I meet you on the other side Paul. That Paul's suffering has ended isn't but a small consolation. Warm regards to Paul's loved ones during these times.
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R.B.
Trad climber
47N 122W
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Jul 30, 2011 - 09:58pm PT
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Climb on in Peace Brother! My condolences to Paul's family and friends.
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Vegasclimber
Trad climber
Las Vegas, NV.
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Jul 30, 2011 - 10:17pm PT
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Wow.
I was just reading one of his TR's that someone bumped...thinking about how hard it must have been for him, to get through the cancer, and the injuries, to have to fight it again.
I was floored by his honesty, his writing style, and the fact that through it all he kept finding reasons to go on.
Then, I find this...and know the reason his posts are being bumped.
What a loss. RIP. Don't know what else to say. I was already in shock reading his TR, and then this.
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SteveW
Trad climber
The state of confusion
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Jul 30, 2011 - 10:25pm PT
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Paul
May you rest peacefully. You showed the way for many of us.
My sincere condolences to Ruth and the rest of your family and all
of your friends.
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J. Werlin
Social climber
Cedaredge, CO
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Jul 30, 2011 - 10:30pm PT
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It was an honor to be taken along by Paul on his terribly difficult journey.
The man kept it real. Beautiful, raw, brutal, but always real. That must be true courage.
I'm pretty broken up. I knew him only here, through 'Topo, but still I'm broken up.
It's tough when such a bright light drifts out of sight beyond the horizon forever.
His presence here was a huge gift, and I hope even more that it gave him some catharsis.
Miss you already Paul.
-Jeremy
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JOEY.F
Gym climber
It's not rocket surgery
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Jul 30, 2011 - 10:40pm PT
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I suppose we knew this day would come.
Paul's influence was inspiring on our daily lives. We were lucky to experience the sheer courage of the man. So grateful to have met you Paul a few times.
My condolences to Ruth, his family and friends.
Sending love,
Joe.
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sportcamper
Trad climber
NEW HAMPSHIRE
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Jul 30, 2011 - 10:45pm PT
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Paul, will miss You. your posts have opened my eyes to many things.
And like Riley said,
I am glad Your pain is over. James.
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jogill
climber
Colorado
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Jul 30, 2011 - 11:54pm PT
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A sad tale, Paul, but boldly told. I hope you are with the spirit of climbing, on the rock in some distant dimension.
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Wayno
Big Wall climber
Seattle, WA
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Jul 31, 2011 - 02:29am PT
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Happy Trails, Paul. The man had a powerfully touching story to tell. My condolences to all his family and friends.
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Roughster
Sport climber
Vacaville, CA
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Jul 31, 2011 - 02:52am PT
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I can't believe he is gone. Statistics are something that happen to other people, and other people who we do not know.
I knew Paul, just briefly, from a stint of development in the Natural Bridge / Hayfork area and general climbing in the far NorCal areas particularly bouldering at Moonstone and Lost Rocks. I remember a day where we hung out at the base of the Dirt Surfer wall, just chilling and enjoying a nice summer day in the middle of nowhere. Although we disagreed on the topic of debate for the day, Removable Bolts (RBs), the banter was light and the day was ended with smiles all around.
I am so sorry for his family and those who knew him better. The North Coast was such a tight nit community, I can't imagine what many of them are going through. Paul has got to be climbing or tree topping somewhere in the beyond with a smile on his face and an energy for what he is doing.
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Jobee
Social climber
El Portal Ca.
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Jul 31, 2011 - 03:43am PT
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Forever Paul
Love, love, love.
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Wade Icey
Trad climber
www.alohashirtrescue.com
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Jul 31, 2011 - 04:00am PT
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where even heavy things are weightless...
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Gal
Trad climber
a semi lucid consciousness
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Jul 31, 2011 - 04:48am PT
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I feel sad. But I know that Paul, you are now free of pain and your spirit will climb on.
-Catherine.
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Patrick Oliver
Boulder climber
Fruita, Colorado
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Jul 31, 2011 - 06:40am PT
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I just saw this thread for the first time. At its beginning
I was moved by the beautiful spirit that radiated from the
photos. I was about to communicate, try to, with Paul, when
I scrolled down and find he has passed. I feel glad to have
"met" you Paul, through this thread.
I have had a strange sore on my right arm, to the side of
my bicep, kind of like a small
red, deep-into-the-skin dot. I have wondered what it is, or if
it is progressing. It seems to have stayed mostly the same,
though possibly gotten a slight bit bigger. I don't know what
a skin cancer looks like or if I should worry.
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Tony Bird
climber
Northridge, CA
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Jul 31, 2011 - 11:10am PT
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adios, amigo.
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Footloose
Trad climber
Lake Tahoe
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Jul 31, 2011 - 12:31pm PT
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Nice lead, Paul.
Hey don't forget - leave some FAs for the rest of us.
:)
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drunkenmaster
Social climber
santa rosa
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Jul 31, 2011 - 12:34pm PT
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Rest In Peace Bro.
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Brokedownclimber
Trad climber
Douglas, WY
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Jul 31, 2011 - 12:41pm PT
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Patrick Oliver, amigo-
You need to get it checked out! Remember the saying: "from tiny acorns..."
Rodger
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Pastor Dave
Social climber
Yucca Valley, CA
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Jul 31, 2011 - 12:42pm PT
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To ALL: In the last months of Paul Humphrey 's life, AKA "Disaster Master," the cancer pain in his body kept him from climbing. He was sad to think he'd never climb again. Of course he was always climbing in his mind. Last month, as we remembered good times, Paul had an idea, "What if we sprinkled some of my remains into chalk?" I could continue to climb all around the world! Paul's chalk balls? No, I've got it PAUL'S BALLS!
And so became Paul's last wish. We will honor him and make Paul's Balls by adding a pinch of his ashes to a Metolius chalk sock. One of Paul's climbing friends was so excited. "Yea, if I climbed with "Paul's Balls" I'd never fall." Join the celebration of Paul's life by climbing with him.
A $10.00 Donation to cover cost and shipping will be appreciated.
Go to www.paypal.com click on "send money"
Enter the email address yogaforstrength@yahoo.com
Under the "Personal" tab click "Gift"
**We request that you take a picture of where Paul has been climbing with you and post it. In each "Paul's Balls" there is a litllt bit of Paul. Remember, a little bit of Paul goes a long way.
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Brokedownclimber
Trad climber
Douglas, WY
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Jul 31, 2011 - 12:42pm PT
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My condolences to the surviving family members, and to Pastor Dave in particular.
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SofCookay
climber
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Jul 31, 2011 - 12:45pm PT
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It was with deep sadness that I read of Paul's passing. I did not ever have the pleasure of meeting him, but enjoyed his adventurous stories and was touched by his open and honest sharing of his struggle with his condition. He inspired me greatly and will not be forgotten.
My deepest condolences to Ruth and all of Paul's family and friends - my thoughts and prayers are with you.
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Iclimb5.1
climber
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Jul 31, 2011 - 01:53pm PT
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I first met Paul when we were at College of the Redwoods in '92. I went to this club meeting, CROAC (C.R. outdoor adventure club) and he was the founder and leader of the club. Jeff, my boyfriend at the time and now husband, met him climbing at Moonstone. Funny thing is Jeff knew Marcella from So. Cal. some years back. We became a tight-knit group of hikers and climbers and were together much during the 5 years we were in college at Humboldt. Paul could be a real pain in the ass at times, mostly because he had a lot to say to the world. His poetry and writing took off at that point, and we found ourselves going to his poetry readings and getting first reads of some of his essays. A talented climber and writer, Paul lived life to the max.
We lost touch a bit over the years as we moved around, but reconnected when Paul was in Oregon climbing trees...Jeff and I happened to come to be living in Oregon too. When Paul had his fall and broke his back, I went to the hospital here before he went into surgery. Then he recovered at our house for a couple of days. We were always amazed at how Paul overcame that struggle and eventually went on to climb again.
We were in and out of each others lives since meeting, and I remember telling Paul when he was at our house recouping from his back injury that it didn't matter whether 20 years went by, he was always welcome at our door. He was touched by that.
If I had just one word with which to describe Paul, it is genuine...He was one of the most genuine people I've met.
My condolences go out to Ruth. It is obvious how much you love each other and thank you for taking such good care of Paul during this illness.
My condolences also to Pastor Dave, Yellow Tulip, and the rest of Paul's family. He was a special guy.
We will miss you Paul.
Love,
Vicky
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cranky
Big Wall climber
Oceanside, CA
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Jul 31, 2011 - 01:58pm PT
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Thanks to Paul for sharing his writings with us. It was a pleasure to read his posts and those from his family and friends. May we all live each day to the fullest and cherish our health.
I wish peace to his wife and family in their time of loss.
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Nibs
Trad climber
Humboldt, CA
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Jul 31, 2011 - 02:04pm PT
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My wife and I met Paul as he assisted David Nakamura at an HSU Center Activities rock climbing class. His enthusiasm was infectious; he was really giving to us absolute noobs. though we only knew him through those classes and climbs he left a positive unforgettable impression.
We feel fortunate to have gotten to know him deeper here through his writings...he will live on not only in our hearts' memories, but in these virtual pages.
love and sympathy to his family and close friends.
Gary and Genia
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BluntMan
Gym climber
Wild Omar, CA
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Jul 31, 2011 - 02:11pm PT
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RIP Paul. You are a shining example of how a man can face his own mortality with vision, clarity, and love. I never had the good fortune of meeting you but your willingness to share your journey has been inspiring.
With Much Respect And Love,
Bob Austin
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jstan
climber
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Jul 31, 2011 - 02:12pm PT
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When Stonewall Jackson was dying he was asked if he wanted laudanum for the discomfort ( an opium product). He said, "No. I want to keep my mind clear."
As he passed he said. "Let us strike the tents and wait under the great oaks beyond the stream."
While we live we need, always, to seek out great trees under which to wait.
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Mighty Hiker
climber
Vancouver, B.C.
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Jul 31, 2011 - 02:40pm PT
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I'm very sorry to hear of Paul's death. He was a light to our little community, and will be missed.
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Wade Icey
Trad climber
www.alohashirtrescue.com
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Jul 31, 2011 - 02:44pm PT
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Clock's ticking folks. Thanks for the reminder Paul.
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hooblie
climber
from where the anecdotes roam
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Jul 31, 2011 - 07:50pm PT
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sorry to hear that such a singular fellow who dug deep and shared fully had to move along
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Jaybro
Social climber
Wolf City, Wyoming
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Jul 31, 2011 - 07:56pm PT
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Condolences to Ruth, Pastor Dave and the rest of Paul's family; nuclear and beyond.
Thank you for sharing this with us Disaster Master. This meditation on the here and now was invaluable to us and I hope, cathartic for you. You're always with us whatever waits on the other side.
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Pastor Dave
Social climber
Yucca Valley, CA
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Jul 31, 2011 - 08:11pm PT
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Check out the Forum "Paul's Balls" on Super Topo too.
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Jan
Mountain climber
Okinawa, Japan
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Jul 31, 2011 - 08:57pm PT
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Here's a copy of of my response to the idea of Paul's Balls which I posted on the other thread of that title.
I think on this issue as so many, Paul was way ahead of most of us, with much more courage to face the inevitable than we are. I do have some experience of honoring a climber's remains however, since just last year my husband's ashes were placed high on a ledge above Yosemite where tourists will never go and overlooking his favorite climb. They will be reabsorbed into the roots of a tree there and nourish life in a place that he loved.
Given my experience, I'm thinking it might be easier for Paul's friends and still in the spirit of things, to have be a pinch of Paul's ashes mailed to different climbers, including maybe some tree climbers on the coast, and the ashes sprinkled, or buried on a belay ledge on different climbs around the country. His vision was vast and it's fitting that we pay tribute to it out of doors in places far away, including places that he never climbed.
I live in Japan but am making an unexpected trip to Wyoming this summer and I'm sure I can place some of the ashes on one or several of the wonderful climbing areas there. Since I'm a really old trad climber, I don't anticipate using chalk and I'll also admit I'm squeamish about the idea of ashes mixed with chalk. I'll be happy to volunteer however, to take some of Paul's ashes some place interesting in that state where he's probably never climbed before.
After I'm done, I'll post up photos. If everyone does the same, we can think of it as the tribe sharing Pauls's final climb.
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Gunkie
Trad climber
East Coast US
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Jul 31, 2011 - 09:11pm PT
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As my second post to this thread, but as an avid follower/lurker, I am very sorry for Paul's family and friends and their loss of an incredible person. Paul showed courage beyond anything I can truly comprehend. Hope to meet you in the next life.
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nature
climber
back in Tuscon Aridzona....
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Jul 31, 2011 - 09:24pm PT
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I've been spreading Ms. Summit's ashes around the world. Paul was a friend. We shared the passion of writing the guide(s) for Northern Cali / Humboldt. My friend Billy who is a tree climber and also a friend would probably participate if those that will decide deem it appropriate.
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Jan
Mountain climber
Okinawa, Japan
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Jul 31, 2011 - 09:34pm PT
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Thanks nature. I think if Paul wanted his ashes scattered around different climbs then his wishes should be honored if possible, especially by those of us who benefitted so much from him sharing his final journey with us.
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BrassNuts
Trad climber
Save your a_s, reach for the brass...
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Very sad news... RIP Paul. I'm glad I got to briefly meet you and Ruth in Indian Creek last year. I'm sure you will visit again...
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zeta
Trad climber
Berkeley
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so sorry to hear this news...I followed this thread for a long time and was always so amazed by Paul. My heart goes out to his family and good friends.
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Pastor Dave
Social climber
Yucca Valley, CA
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Here is a picture of the Package Designed by Paul's Sister Anna, (yllw2lip)
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yllw2lip
Social climber
Orange, CA
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Thank you to all for your warm thoughts and wishes sent to the family. He will be missed and we are all together remembering him and celebrating his life. Its been a good experience. I am blessed to have called Paul my brother. I am beyond proud to be his sister, he was such an amazing person and I hope he continues to effect the lives of others even after death... which I can already tell he has.
Anna
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wack-N-dangle
Gym climber
the ground up
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I can't imagine knowing my end, and not lapsing into regret or self pity. Especially, if the end came much too young. Paul's concern for others, and his positivity was obvious in his posts. They burned much brighter than his illness could diminish. My stepdad passed away from lung cancer about 5 years ago. Some people carry that spirit, and it really is a gift.
I remember Paul typing that he would put his ashes in chalk, so that his friends would take him back to the rock with them. He said something about leaving his marks on the walls. I wanted to type that they should be sure to leave some sandbag tick marks here and there too. Still, he was looking at other treatments, and I never posted a reply. I hope that it would make him smile.
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Brandon-
climber
The Granite State.
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I'm so sorry to hear this. Really really sad.
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wbw
climber
'cross the great divide
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Goodbye to a truly inspiring man.
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Tony Bird
climber
Northridge, CA
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a buddy of mine, greg stevens, came up with this awhile back:
in beer, there is ... truth
in wine, there is ... wisdom
and in chalk, there is ... courage
so, put me down for one o' them balls, dave. geez--didn't think i'd be chuckling at the end of this thread.
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dirt claud
Social climber
san diego,ca
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Just read the news this morning and I have to admit it affected me more than I though it would. I only knew about Paul through this thread, but I respected his courage and will to live so much, as I'm sure we all did. I'm very saddened to here about his passing.
I hope friends and family can find comfort in knowing that Pauls' life here on earth brought, and still brings so much inspiration to us.
Whatever situations I come upon in life that seam challenging and tough to deal with I will look to Pauls' courage for inspiration.
Hope to meet you on the other side when the time comes. Glad you're not suffering anymore. Peace be with you.
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scuffy b
climber
dissected alluvial deposits, late Pleistocene
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I'm grateful for what Paul brought to us here.
Bon Voyage
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splitclimber
climber
Sonoma County
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I felt a kinship with Paul for some reason. Probably because I spent about 8 years in Humboldt and share a passion for the forests and wildlife up there.
I met Paul and Ruth several months ago and they were both brimming with positivity. Paul's laugh was immediately infectious and I could tell he felt at peace being in a social setting with a bunch of local climbers.
He even brought the "birdwell chicken". Too funny.
My best to Ruth and family.
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nature
climber
back in Tuscon Aridzona....
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Did he have any final wishes regarding Jim Birdwell?
If not I could use a little more chick drama in my life if ya know what I mean.....
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Kpav
Social climber
Flagaz
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Disaster Master, your genuine love and infectious enthusiasm for Bigfoot climbing inspired me to climb above and beyond what I thought was possible. Through you I found a home and family with the Northcoast climbing community for several years before I left the area.
Your courage, and your ability to thrive and grow stronger than ever (in flesh and even more so in spirit) in the face of such extreme adversity, will continue to guide and inspire me for the rest of my life.
You will be missed, and never forgotten. Your passing leaves this world a shade duller, but your inspiration makes it stronger.
Thank you. You are loved.
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all in jim
climber
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So sad to hear this. Thank-you Paul for being such a welcoming ambassador to the Nor Cal climbing scene. I had a great time climbing with you!
Jim Thornburg
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Jobee
Social climber
El Portal Ca.
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Sending love, and condolences to Ruth, Pastor Dave, and to Paul's loved ones; you are in my thoughts.
If there is anything I do for you here in Yosemite please don't hesitate to ask.
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Bill Mc Kirgan
Trad climber
Cedar Rapids, Iowa
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Heartfelt condolences to Paul's family and dear friends.
I consider myself part of his Supertopo family, but never had the privledge to actually know him in real life.
I hope to know him in the next, and will do my best to carry with me always a bit of the kindness and love and courage he shared with our 'forum family'.
PAUL, THANK YOU FOR LETTING US BE PART OF YOUR LIFE.
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rincon
Trad climber
SoCal
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RIP Paul, thanks for sharing so much with us!
Best wishes to Ruth and Paul's family.
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hootowl
Mountain climber
VA
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Someone with talent and time should convert this thread into a short story, complete with Paul's and others' illustrations and photos. This year-long journey with Paul and Ruth was amazingly intimate and genuine, much better than some expensive and well-produced documentaries I've seen (among them, the very bad one of Farrah Fawcett's demise from cancer). The love, sorrow, fear, joy, anxiety, anger, selfishness, selflessness, compassion, kindness, and wisdom manifest in Paul's postings should be saved, read and reread as a probing and insightful look at what it is to be human and alive in this world. To Paul, and a life well lived!
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Brian
climber
California
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RIP Paul
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Rick A
climber
Boulder, Colorado
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Sincere condolences to the family and friends of Paul.
He was a very courageous guy, and an inspiration to cancer survivors.
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Darn it these men deserved better than this desease.
No sheeeet. Every time I brew my cuppa tea my eyes water up as I shared my daily tea virtually with Paul. Susan
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urasenke13
climber
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Hootowl.
There is something in the works, but we haven't considered extracting content from these threads. It's a great idea. Thanks for mentioning it.
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rick d
climber
ol pueblo, az
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thanks paul for your posts and wisdom.
To his family and closest friends, you all have a life long treasure from his presence.
adios.......
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yoginigirl
Social climber
Eureka
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My condolences to Ruth, Pastor Dave, and all the rest of Paul's family and friends. A special thank you and love to Ruth for loving Paul so completely these last few years. You are both so lucky to have found that love.
I know Paul through the Bikram Yoga world in Humboldt. I met him right after he got out of his body cast and started coming to yoga. He was pasty white and his hair was bright yellow with green in it and his toenails were painted silver. I thought, "Who is this guy?" Soon after we became very good friends.
He inspired me to never give up, no matter what. No matter your body type, no matter your financial status, no matter what! His struggles only served to remind us that our spirits are immense and can survive even the biggest traumas in life.
I know he is free from pain now and can rest. Namaste
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Berdette Robison
climber
the present
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An amazing inspiration to so many...deepest condolences to his family and friends.
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yllw2lip
Social climber
Orange, CA
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Thanks again for all the condolences. I miss Paul a lot! But I am so glad he is no longer suffering in pain, that was hard to watch.
-Anna (Paul's sis)
Here is a quote from Paul:
If I laugh
even when I feel
like crying
then even my
worst days will
be hilarious.
P.D. Humphrey
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neebee
Social climber
calif/texas
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hey there say, dear family of paul...
oh my, this was on my friend's birthday, and before mine...
had not recently checked here, as the thread seemed busy, and i figured paul's known-friends were cheering him on...
oh my...
my condolences to you, paster dave, ruth, his sister and other family and loved ones.... i was sure so happy for paul and ruth, in their vows...
love endures, though, after the body is gone, and may that love sustain you, ruth... will be praying for you to be strong through the loss, so you can share in the love that he left you, among his family...
god bless to you all, at this hard time...
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lyn
Social climber
humboldt county
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RIP Paul xoxo
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amyjo
Trad climber
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Very Quiet Here Tonight.
haven't checked in in a while but I always go to
Malignant Melanoma Survivors Who Climb.
That thread drew me in from the beginning.
Partly because of Millis or the too many friends I have
had on the same trip.
Paul Humphrey was amazingly generous while in middle of his own struggle
giving advice about treatment strategies, showing it's ok to laugh, to cry, to kvetch.
Looking at the first post: He knew what was coming
but met it with a fine sense of Cosmic Irrelevance, Laughter, Love
Immense of humor and compassion, for himself as well.
Up Against The Wall - not only the cancer but also the medical bureaucracy
I don't know if there's any gravestone
but if I were carving it, it would say
B R A V E S O U L
in his choice of professions - tree acrobatics, yoga teacher,
in his climbing - pioneering as well as following
in his choice of hair color and toenail polish
I'm glad he had the wonderful Ruth and that she had him.
Paul, Sorry you didn't get to your slide show.
It was splendid.
My heartfelt condolences to his family and friends
waking up to this quieter world.
Good night.
Amy
I'm wondering, knowing ,
how expensive it is to die,
whether there's a paypal address for Ruth?
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Jan
Mountain climber
Okinawa, Japan
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Checks can be sent to:
101 Colgan Ave # 29
Santa Rosa, CA 95404
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O.D.
Trad climber
LA LA Land
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May your soul ascend to the greatest heights,
May those who mourn be comforted, and,
May we only celebrate joyous occasions together.
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Johnny K.
climber
Southern California
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Paul ,Condolences to Ruth,Pauls family and all the amazing friends Paul had all over the world.
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yllw2lip
Social climber
Orange, CA
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Ruth's paypal account is under yogaforstrength@yahoo.com if you want to send money that way too. Thanks Jan for posting the mailing address.
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blackbird
Trad climber
the flat water trails...
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SOOOOO beyond sorry to hear this news, yet at the same time I know that there is peace within the pain and grief..
My sincere, heartfelt condolences to all of Paul's friends and family. You are in my heart and my prayers...
Samantha
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rcknsno
climber
California
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Aug 10, 2011 - 12:23am PT
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RIP Paul. You have been an inspiration to so many of us - thank you for sharing.
My condolences to his family and friends.
Karin
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stevep
Boulder climber
Salt Lake, UT
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Aug 10, 2011 - 12:30am PT
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RIP Paul.
As a survivor of a relatively recent bout of cancer, I'm doubly thankful for what you posted here.
Good luck on any further adventures.
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Aug 10, 2011 - 04:37pm PT
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Bump...sitting here with a cuppa tea...missing Paul's posts.
Susan
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Gym Birdwall
Gym climber
The
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Aug 10, 2011 - 06:23pm PT
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In celebration of Paul Humphrey's life.
We lost Paul to cancer July 29, 2011.
Paul was an amazing man. An awesome climber and a patient teacher.
He would rush to set up ropes so everyone could climb.
He was my best friend, my climbing partner, my love, my life.
Please bring your own stories of Paul to this thread
Rejoice, post pictures, smile and tell campfire stories online.
His last wish was to climb. On and on and on.
"Why not keep climbing with my friends," he said. "why not?"
Put a bit of ashes into chalk and off I go...climbing new routes,
jamming into cracks, holding onto a rock.
Make it so! I have Metolius chalk socks awaiting.
That's right...Paul's Balls.(Paul's great sense of humor to the end)
Good Times, good times.
Contact me if you would like onetake Paul climbing with you
Climb on
Love you Babe,
Ruth
aka Gym Birdwall
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Big Daddy B.C.
Trad climber
Palo Alto, Ca.
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Aug 18, 2011 - 01:07am PT
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Paul will always be in my soul with his pleasure of climbing. He is an inspiration to all . This sucks!
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urasenke13
climber
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Aug 20, 2011 - 12:07am PT
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Disaster Master's Last Moments
I wrote this the morning after Paul passed.
Writing is ultimately an act of selfishness. Who am I to presume that I have anything to to say? What audacity to believe that it could possibly have meaning to another.... And yet, the words are all I have, insufficient as they are.
Last night, at 8:15 pm, a great and gentle soul departed our world. Paul David Humphrey, after several years of pain, suffering, hope given and taken, chose to leave his mortal body for what lies beyond. I used the word choice not merely to soften the blow. I really do believe it was a choice. I spoke with him two days prior. His laugh, though weakened, was still as vibrant. His mind, though bleary, was just as sharp and witty. His spirit, though it had taken a beating, still held all its potency. Those who spent his final days with him will testify: his body gave out, but he never gave up. He never surrendered. He lived far longer than any doctor thought possible. He endured far more pain than any pharmacist believed was tolerable. And even in the end, there was strength in him. Just that morning he stood on his own and worked his way to the restroom for his morning ablutions. In my frantic scramble to get there to be with him, I always believed that I would get to speak with him one last time, that I would get to hug him, tell him how much I have missed him, how much I love him.
When I arrived, I found him unconscious, laboring for breath. I knew that breath. I had seen it in my father before he died. And yet, I still held to hope that he would have one more lucid moment. So I sat next to him and chatted with Ruth, his wife, and David, his father, waiting. I held Paul's hand and stroked that lovely head of thick hair. I held his head up while Ruth administered the staggering dosages of pain killers. Nobody believed that a person could take that much morphine and not go into a coma. But the disbelievers didn't know Paul. The will to endure and the strength to see it through weren't just facets of his character, they were also the tools that shaped him. He chose to endure it all as long as he did, and nobody knows why.
As with most things, the moment approached without notice. Ruth was on the phone with the hospice nurse talking about the foam in his mouth, not sure if removing it would mean that his body would be denied the pain killers it needed and yet concerned that he might choke on it. I was rubbing his head. Sometime during the administering of his medicine, one of his eyes had opened, and his pupil was moving back and forth. I couldn't tell if it was an autonomic response or deliberate, but I watched that unblinking eye, looking into him as one looks into a bottomless pool. I held his hand. He stirred ever so slightly. His breathing calmed. He swallowed ever so slightly. He turned his head, and those brilliant eyes took in my gaze. I thought he was coming to consciousness. I smiled at him, inches from his face, gazing.
“Hey Buddy. I made it,” I said. His eyes moved back and forth. His labored breathing calmed, and he looked on at me.
“I sure have missed you,” I said. I didn't know what else to say. It was simple truth. We hadn't seen each other in years. He looked at me. Then with one last breath, and one last look, his body collapsed in on itself, and his life winked. No outwardly visible thing happened. I was looking into his eyes at something, and then it simply was gone. Even then, looking so deeply into his eyes, I could see his spirit, strong as ever, vital as ever. And just before he let go, that spirit exploded into the Universe, a star gone Super Nova, the light of which will radiate forth for years and decades to come.
Paul David Humphrey. You are a force in the Universe. You always have been. You always will be. It is our duty, our task, our labor of love to unravel what it all meant. As for me, I know why you endured so much for so long, but it would be selfishness in me to exclaim it. All I can say is thank you. Thank you for everything, the tenderness of our friendship, the adventures we have had, the trials of life we have endured together, the laughter, the triumphs, the stumbles, the wisdoms we have gleaned. You live on in me as a difference. My life would not be where it is had we not shared our path together for a time. I love you. I miss you. But most of all, you will live on in me as that Force.
Goodbye my friend,
Till we meet again,
outside of time.
Nolan
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John Butler
Social climber
SLC, Utah
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Aug 20, 2011 - 12:50am PT
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:'|
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Aug 20, 2011 - 01:09am PT
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yep. Susan
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Mighty Hiker
climber
Vancouver, B.C.
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Aug 20, 2011 - 01:12am PT
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Thank you for standing vigil with Paul as he died. It's one of the most important things we do as humans.
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Captain...or Skully
climber
or some such
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Aug 20, 2011 - 01:18am PT
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Aye. Stand with those that lead the way.
Be with them. For them & you, too. For us all.
I miss Paul & I never even met him. Glad that I got to be touched, even remotely, by his Life.
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Gym Birdwall
Gym climber
The
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Aug 20, 2011 - 10:18am PT
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Thank you Nolan
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Iclimb5.1
climber
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Aug 21, 2011 - 12:50pm PT
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Beautiful post, Nolan. Thank you.
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yllw2lip
Social climber
Orange, CA
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Aug 26, 2011 - 08:08pm PT
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Yes, that was a beautiful post Nolan. Thank you. I wish I could have been there in those final moments, but it wasn't meant to be. I am glad he had you and Ruth there in those final moments.
Anna
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okaythatsme
climber
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Aug 31, 2011 - 05:10pm PT
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Thank you for sharing your last time with Paul. He is loved and missed.
He was connected to most beautiful and amazing friends.
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S.Leeper
Sport climber
Pflugerville, Texas
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Aug 31, 2011 - 06:32pm PT
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What a wonderful and true tribute to your friend.
Thank you Nolan and may we all be blessed to have a friend like you.
Scott Leeper
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nature
climber
back in Tuscon Aridzona....
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Aug 31, 2011 - 07:02pm PT
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Thank you Nolan for sharing that. Wow...
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jsb
Trad climber
Bay area
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Sep 12, 2011 - 04:32pm PT
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Wow, just noticed this thread. My sincerest condolences to all those who were close to Paul.
We should all try to live our lives so unreservedly. Our time is so short.
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Kpav
Social climber
Flagaz
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Sep 13, 2011 - 02:51pm PT
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Just got my Paul's Balls! It made me laugh out loud! Can't wait to go climbing with my old buddy!
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Dec 20, 2011 - 07:33pm PT
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Thinking a lot about Paul, Ruth and his family. I really miss his spunk and sass and that indomitable spirit.
Susan
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thudge
climber
CO
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More COWBELL'S !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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neebee
Social climber
calif/texas
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hey there say, susan (just saw your post) and all...
i loved the picture of him and his wife, on the first? page, think it is...
nice to see the bump, thanks to 'bumper'...
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Kpav
Social climber
Flagaz
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Happy Birthday Paul! Climb strong friend.
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Oh Paul, I miss you so and think of you so frequently. I was gifted with recovery and hopefully it will last for a very long tme. I still drink my cuppa teas and so often think of our conversations as we both battled. I take your "balls" with me on every trip, right now in Moab, and leave you lovingly.
What a spirit, what a mentor, what a guy,
Susan
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labrat
Trad climber
Nevada City, CA
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Miss your posts. Hope you are out there somewhere climbing up a storm!
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neebee
Social climber
calif/texas
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hey there say, susan...
wow, as to your quote:
Oh Paul, I miss you so and think of you so frequently. I was gifted with recovery and hopefully it will last for a very long tme. I still drink my cuppa teas and so often think of our conversations as we both battled. I take your "balls" with me on every trip, right now in Moab, and leave you lovingly.
What a spirit, what a mentor, what a guy
sooooo sweet... when i drink tea, i will think of this, and how you both
shared so much...
also:
a happy birthday paul, i send out for his family...
i just learned that it is his birthday, in a special way...
saw it here, now too...
god bless...
prayers to ruth and his family and buddies...
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Gene
climber
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I don't think anyone i never met in real life ever taught me as much as Paul. I miss my unmet brother.
g
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yllw2lip
Social climber
Orange, CA
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Jan 21, 2013 - 01:21am PT
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I am sad to report that Paul's wife, Ruth aka Gym Birdwall, has passed away ironically from the same type of cancer. She died on December 21, 2012. The cancer attacked her brain and they gave her less than 2 months to live when she found out. She was gone in less than a month after I was informed she had cancer.
I am thankful for Ruth and all she did for Paul and for her willingness to start up "Paul's Balls" in his memory. I am glad that many took the opportunity to spread a little Paul around all over the world and take him on their adventures.
Anna
aka Paul's lil sis
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neebee
Social climber
calif/texas
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Jan 21, 2013 - 05:52am PT
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hey there say, yllw2lip...
once again, thank you for sharing...
my condolences to you, and to her family and loved ones...
:(
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Jan
Mountain climber
Okinawa, Japan
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Jan 21, 2013 - 06:14am PT
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If people can choose the timing of their death, that surely was the case here. Together in life,
together after death, in another dimension. We miss them both but the important thing is that they journeyed together.
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donini
Trad climber
Ouray, Colorado
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Jan 21, 2013 - 12:50pm PT
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I have fond memories of Paul and Ruth from time spent at Indian Creek and at our home in Ouray. They epitomized the word...class.
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yllw2lip
Social climber
Orange, CA
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Feb 10, 2013 - 08:42pm PT
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Thank you for everyone's condolences. This is a very sad event in my life, to lose my brother Paul and his lovely wife Ruth. They were two amazing people. RIP
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kennyt
climber
Woodfords,California
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Feb 10, 2013 - 08:50pm PT
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I was just reading through some of Pauls stuff today. my up and down life, I'm sorry I never had a chance to meet him.
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yllw2lip
Social climber
Orange, CA
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May 22, 2013 - 01:48am PT
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http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/paulandruth/annadwingersfundraisingpage
I have set up a donation page to Melanoma Cancer research in memory of Paul and Ruth. I am training to run a full marathon and I would like to raise money for every mile I run. My goal is $40 per mile for the 26.2 long run. If you would like to donate please click on the link. Thank you!
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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May 27, 2013 - 12:13pm PT
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Bump for Paul and Ruth on Memorial Day.
He got me through some of the darkest days of my life.
Drinking my cuppa tea, as always, dear Paul and Ruth
Susan
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yllw2lip
Social climber
Orange, CA
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Dec 14, 2013 - 10:48pm PT
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In memory of Paul and Ruth I wanted to post this letter he sent to his family about fighting melanoma. He was a fighter. He was strong. He was loved. RIP Paul.
Aug 21, 2010
It is not always possible to put on a happy face... “Buck up camper, it's OK.” Sometimes it is simply
not OK. I have been genuine in my notes to everyone as far as my emotions go. I really do have a lot
of verve and fight in me. But I must Deal, and those times can be dark. I must deal though, not just for
my sake but the one I love, Ruth. I need her smile. But my anger is bubbling over. I don't want to scald
those I wish only to embrace.
So I am opening up the dark cupboard in the back of my mind. Perhaps that will let some light in. Here
are my thoughts I wrote down this early morning...
-*-
I'm trying to figure out the cause of my angst, my anger. Or at least the version I feel in this moment...
Perhaps This:
When I shattered my back in 2004 the pain was all encompassing. I swam in pain. I swallowed it,
nearly drown it it, and wallowed in a sharp swamp of nerve endings. I could not fathom a normal
lifespan feeling the constant over-stimulation of Pain.
See, the fall hadn't killed me, and it wouldn't. At the time, I began to wish it had. Instead it turned my
nervous system into my personal bully, a Ghost-Siamese-Twin that I can't cut off or kill or poison. It's
just there. The bargain of Life seemed too costly.
But, wonderfully, I wrestled my mind back, and made peace with my Pain. I don't think I “Accepted”
my diminished body, but I made a comfortable enough, livable agreement: I'll learn the difference
between real pain and mere sensation. Pain will teach me where my true limit is, the line between
discomfort and injury. (It makes sense to me, but the words are not invented yet to explain.) I never
thought I would be, but I am perfectly OK with Pain. Bring it on.
I realized at 5am today that the bargain on Pain's part was to let me live on. Poke me, prod me, kick me
in the balls, Pain could do that. But it could not kill me. That was our bargain.
This morning, one leg is swollen with lymphadema, I haven't slept much in days. The “Poison for the
Cure” route of experimental drugs seems to not be working. And the litter of alien puppies in my gut is
filling me up. I think I could live with that, if the cancer would simply let me live!
Why have I learned the hard lesson of Pain? What was the point.
“Life is Suffering” said Buddha. He didn't mean “Life sucks” He meant “Get over it and move on.
Move Beyond.”
OK I get it! Give me the f#*%ing time.
I'm not sold on this come-back-again-to-finish-figuring-things-out philosophy. Science and school
trained me too well to be a skeptic.
I might not have the time I need to become the man, the Human, I know I can be. I stumble, like we all
do, and obviously I fall. But for some belligerent reason, so far I've gotten up again. Will I rise one
more time?
Time.
I did not want it when I thought it meant morphine and blackouts and an invisible whip in my spine. I
want it now. I learned to want it no matter what. Checking out is a cop-out. Yet I am tired.
I am not done
Becoming yet. I don't want my hard won improvements to disintegrate into dust.
And my mind only knows that it doesn't know.
So my fear, I realize, is of a Life uncompleted. Who knows how long it takes to learn to be complete? I
wish that Satori moment for myself, the dream of Completion in an instant of Realization. Well, I'm
realizing new things right now, yet the drama plays on. A moment, a day, a year, a century....
Dead is natural in the end. But I am still
Inhaling! I'm not ready to exhale into the night until I have
tempered myself enough to only show Love to the world. I'm not there yet.
I'm pissed.
-*-
7am now and attempting to deal.
a poem:
...So let us embrace
each other, all of Us.
Let our arms intertwine
as beautiful serpents.
For we are not so different
as it is often supposed.
We can put more than
our heads together.
And love is not
confined between our legs.
LOVE is not confined at all.
We walk through it every moment,
Breath it in with every breath.
These forms we preen,
fuss over and cover
are less solid than lace.
Not such a barrier after all.
So let our serpent arms entangle
and the wind blow in
through lace curtains...
The Sun is coming up.
Attempting to Master on,
Paul.
Please donate on my page for the Melanoma Cancer Research Foundation if you can: http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/paulandruth/annadwingersfundraisingpage
Thanks, and God bless you!
Anna
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yllw2lip
Social climber
Orange, CA
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Dec 14, 2013 - 11:06pm PT
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Here is a letter Paul wrote about the trial he got on that actually shrunk his tumors for a while, giving him the ability to climb one more time.
DISASTER MASTER Climbs back
Paul David Humphrey
October 30, 2010
The last time many of you heard from me I had ended my involvement in the YM155 clinical trial for my stage IV Metastatic Malignant Melanoma. The drug combo they had me on, especially the decarbazine chemo component, crippled me further. My leg swelled with lymphedema, to the point where I could not take the heated room for yoga and work. Hurt too much. My options did not look good. One new drug, PLX4032, was on the nightly news one day. We followed up and were referred to UCSF Mt. Zion Melanoma Center to see if I might qualify.
After a wait…we got an appointment. The place is a ZOO! Long wait for the doctor…then, BAM, a whirlwind! Prodded, poked, weighed, pressure tested and then consulted by at least four fast talking specialists about best option, next option, etc. Damn. The lead, DR. Daud, was obviously on my side but hyper over worked. He said test me to see if I have a B-RAF gene mutation. OK… The dermatologist took four samples from a tumor on my collarbone. Deep cuts. I was blood tested, etc. then kicked back out the door with a “We will rush this through.”
A week later we get “the” call. We thought. Instead we are told that the sample was not usable. “What?”
“There’s no melanoma in the sample.”
“Excuse me, so I don’t have melanoma?”
“No, you have melanoma, just not in the tumor we biopsied.”
“I don’t get it.”
“Yeh, it’s odd.”
That was an understatement. What was going on here? I called and called. But getting the Doc there is like ringing up Obama, ain’t happening. New appointment instead in a few days. Ruth and I were very confused. No answers for a few days though, and I don’t wait well.
We finally got to UCSF. I do have melanoma. But they biopsied a lypoma. They need another sample to start all over again. Another wasted week! I was pissed. Ruth was frazzled. They biopsied another tumor on the other collarbone. They looked at it this time to ensure it was melanoma cells. Then off it went to Roche Labs, the drug company that makes the pill. More waiting…
We decided that if I waited in the RV in Santa Rosa, I would fade away. So new plan, on the road. We decided to go traveling while awaiting the news of whether or not I was a mutant. I wrote about much of it on supertopo.com, a climbing (sort of) web-site and forum. Never thought I would be posting to a place on the web regularly. But here it is. My ID on the site is my nickname, DISASTER MASTER. Check it out for more info.
Malignent Melanoma Survivors who climb
http://www.supertopo.com/climbers-forum/1239624/Malignent-Melanoma-Survivors-who-climb
Trip Report
My Up And Down Life, Disaster Master
http://www.supertopo.com/tr/My-Up-And-Down-Life-Disaster-Master/t10807n.html
Ruth and I stayed in a cabin in Wawona, inside Yosemite NP. It was lent to us by a yoga student and dear friend. That was perfect, since I was cane bound and could barely walk, let alone climb. We saw Wawona grove of redwoods. Walked up the hill. Paid for the shuttle ride down. In the handicapped section, no less. We got little Walkman’s to listen to a John Muir impersonator. Tourists.
It took me a while to shift from always road trip to climb mind to just have a good time mind. Strange. I used to poo-poo the tourists when I went rock-climbing above them. Now one of them, I regret that. Even BS like cancer can widen your view. So cranky but curious, we left Yosemite for Utah. Over Tuolumne pass past mono lake and across the lonely highway through Nevada.
I had RSVP’d us for a party called “Sushi Fest”. It was a sushi all-you-can-eat dinner in the desert, near Moab, UT. I know, sounds weird. The chef was an old acquaintance from climbing and collage, Doug Lafarge. He loves sushi. And he makes it at climbing areas through these internet-notified parties at world class rock climbing areas. Still strange? IT was great! Stuffed myself on excellent raw fish. Ruth is not a sashimi girl, so less for her. Many people were there including Jim Donini, a world renowned climber. He and his wife invited us to their house in Ouray, CO.
After climbing ”Supercrack of the desert” hard 5.10 crack climb at Indian Creek UT, we wandered the Moab area for a few days. Then off to CO. This no plan road trip was working out. I was getting weaker daily, though. And Ruth had to do all the driving, and put up with my pain and mood swings. She is remarkable!
Jim Donini was off to climb in Yosemite when we got to Ouray. But his wife, Angela was there and a great hostess. We were given free reign of the guest studio over the garage with a view of the mountains. And assess to the hot tub. Ruth loved that. There was mineral hot springs in the town of Ouray. So we checked those out. They felt great on our tired bones. Went climbing in the park near the pools. Not a very stressful spot to live. Called the Switzerland of America.
I kept getting sicker, though, and spent several days lying on the futon mattress on the floor of our hosts’ cabin. Nice view, though. The fall in to place nature of this trip was fantastic. We seemed guided along the way, every day. Good weather. Strangers turned friends in minutes. Amazing views. But I was dying, still.
I had begun to make my peace with that when, RRRIIINNNGGG…..a call.
I AM A MUTANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The test came back the right way. I was BRAF positive. This means that the drug PLX4032 would likely work for me, attacking cancerous tissue, but not the rest of me like the last chemo component of treatment. Wow. Unbelievable. Yet my mood darkened….I am too used to body-slaming-blind-sided disappointments of late. I dared not believe. Not yet. So to the annoyance of Ruth, I sulked with her to LA to see relatives on the way to appointments at UCSF in San Francisco. Family was fun, but my mind still lurked in the shadows of uncertainty. Would this end up being another waste of our time? I did not have much left, and did not want to spend any good time as a guinea pig. I wanted back on the road.
But onward to SF and scan land.
I lost my wallet, my ID, cards, medical info, hundreds of road trip dollars from my mom’s account that my sister got when mom passed. Worse mood for Paul. Near breaking point for Ruth’s nerves. She still drove all the way from La to the Bay. What a woman! Then parked in downtown SF at night….Ay, yie, yie.
Up the next day for testing. The dos are excited. Ruth is excited. I am….numb. I won’t believe it until the pill is in my hand. Everything goes well until… late in the day we talk with the doc. He says that something is lighting up in my brain on a scan. It could be melanoma, which would disqualify me, not only for this trial, but most others as well.
“It’s not a cancer!” I insisted. “It was there three months ago and was noted on other scans as unlikely to be Melanoma. It could be a malformation, or evidence of my past head injury, or evidence of pain management.” (The part of my brain lighting up controls pain signals and consciousness. Interesting…???)
The Doc’s face lit up, really lit up. He said that could be the ammo he needs to convince the drug company to let me on the trial. He needs the old reports, though. Otherwise I will likely be rejected. AAARRRRGGGHHHH!!!!
Back to Santa Rosa. I found the scans and reports and faxed them off. The weekend came. No word. Four more days of waiting… Ruth and I almost gave up hope. After all, the company wants clean numbers. I have a variable they don’t need. And there must be many people vying for this treatment.
Then the word…I’M IN! They just need to book a room at the hospital to start. Just a few more days. Ruth is smiling for the first time in a long time. I am still guarded. The pill is not in my hand yet. What a rollercoaster.
Finally we get it, October 20, 2010, 10:45 AM. Pill Swallowed. I sigh, yet the crankiness remains. I just don’t believe anymore, not in anything that might cure me. It all seems too late, a long shot, a pipe dream. The trials coordinator tells us I was the last one admitted to the study. Other people in the building right then were being told the drug would not be available to them. A cruel victory for me.
We left with a bag of pills, a schedule of appointments for the next month, and a weird off kilter feeling. Down the rabbit hole again. One pill makes tumors smaller… two????
I have been taking the wonder pills for 7 days as of this writing. I am beginning to believe in miracles! My energy is returning. I was able to do a complete hot yoga class, the first in 2 months. My cane is forgotten more often than not.
AND THE TUMORS ARE SHRINKING!
I know, incredible. It seems to be true. The ones on my neck and front torso are smaller for sure. Some on my back too. Most important, the main large masses in my groin seem better. My leg pain is less. The swelling is down…. I can barely believe it. But it is true.
If all goes well I will try and teach a little yoga again, then climb in Joshua tree NP next month.
This dreadful disease Melanoma, so down-played still by most, is a drug resistant bastard. The tumors may grow again. But for now, I seem to be a step ahead of cancer. It bites my heels, so I gotta run.
Mastering on,
Paul
Missing Paul and Ruth today.
Anna
http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/paulandruth/annadwingersfundraisingpage
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nature
climber
Boulder, CO
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Dec 14, 2013 - 11:47pm PT
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yllw2lip
Social climber
Orange, CA
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Bump for Paul and Melanoma Awareness Month May 2014
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yllw2lip
Social climber
Orange, CA
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Jul 28, 2014 - 09:57pm PT
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July 29, 2011 Paul passed away after a painful battle with metastatic melanoma cancer. I wish I was a climber and could reach out to you all somehow, but all I can do is run for him, for Ruth. In their memory I raised over $1450 for melanoma cancer research by running a marathon March 2014, at the LA Marathon. Now I created a "Virtual Birthday Run" to continue to raise money for melanoma research. It's my new mission in life, to bring awareness to this type of cancer and encourage people to get their skin checked every year and to keep doing self exams on your skin every few months.
The info for the fundraiser is at www.virtualbirthdayrun.blogspot.com And if you feel so inclined to donate or to participate by hiking and counting your miles towards the 13.1 miles for the medal, please feel free to do so. I run 13.1 miles on my birthday. I did it for the first time on my bday last year, this year I am making it into the best birthday gift I could receive... donations for the Melanoma Research Foundation www.melanoma.org
Take care of your skin! And in Paul's words, "Belay on!" (hope I spelled that right! lol)God bless!
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Kpav
Social climber
Flagaz
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Happy Birthday buddy! I'm gonna celebrate our mutual birthday by taking your balls climbing! We are gonna go explore some new rock in a beautiful little corner of the earth, enjoy!
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SC seagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, or In What Time Zone Am I?
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I think of Paul so often.
So this is his birthday.
I will raise a cuppa tea and then some more
I will carry him with me always. He literally showed me the way when I was hurting.
Susan
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yllw2lip
Social climber
Orange, CA
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Nov 30, 2014 - 02:53pm PT
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Thank you for keeping my brother alive in your hearts and memories. It means so much to be to be able to come to this site and see he is still on the minds of others. He is missed, but never forgotten!
Anna (Paul's lil' sis)
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SC seagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, Moab or In What Time Zone Am I?
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Sep 11, 2015 - 01:47pm PT
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Thinking of Paul today. He was a rock for me.
Susan
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yllw2lip
Social climber
Orange, CA
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Sep 27, 2015 - 07:02pm PT
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Thank you. Paul is a source of strength for me on many occasions still. He was strong and amazing. Love him and miss him every day.
-Anna (Paul's lil sis)
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dirt claud
Social climber
san diego,ca
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Sep 28, 2015 - 06:48am PT
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I had only been here a little while before Paul's passing, I did not ever have contact with him on here directly but these threads of his had an impact on myself and I'm sure many others here. Even though his threads may only pop up a few times a year I'm sure many here think of him more often. Hope you and your family are well.
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bixquite
Social climber
humboldt nation
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Sep 28, 2015 - 07:54am PT
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yeah Paul was gonna open Suds and Sutra, a yoga studio and tap room. miss your misschievious
laugh bud, Ruth and Paul are on the eternal road trip and sometimes, in Jtree or Index WA
i start laughing thinking of sh%t Paul would say. LIP laugh in peace
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yllw2lip
Social climber
Orange, CA
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Sep 30, 2015 - 10:08pm PT
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Dirt Claud: I had only been here a little while before Paul's passing, I did not ever have contact with him on here directly but these threads of his had an impact on myself and I'm sure many others here. Even though his threads may only pop up a few times a year I'm sure many here think of him more often. Hope you and your family are well .
I very happy he lives on in the memories of those who knew him, even if only through the internet. His personality was bigger than life. He didn't even realize how bright his light shone. He was like a magnet, people were just drawn to him.
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yllw2lip
Social climber
Orange, CA
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Sep 30, 2015 - 10:10pm PT
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@bixquite Paul was mischievous and hilarious... good times. He is missed.
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nature
climber
Boulder, CO
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Keep an eye on that stuff Burch!
Happy Birthday Paul. Miss you brother!
Gym says Hi!
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SC seagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, Moab, A sailboat, or some time zone
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Love you Paul!
You were and always will be my rock.
If I ever have a recurrence it will be "WWPD"... What Would Paul Do!!!!
Susan
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bixquite
Social climber
humboldt nation
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happy b day bro, i'll tip back a green label for you
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yllw2lip
Social climber
Orange, CA
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Jul 16, 2016 - 05:00pm PT
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@ Burch, good thing you went in! I had a small amount taken off my thigh. It was a "severe a-typical" mole. But as Paul would say, "When in doubt cut it out!" I was happy to get it off me!
July I do a virtual run to support Melanoma Research in Paul and Ruth's memory. Check out my newest site, to help honor their memory and make an impact in the arena of melanoma research:
http://virtualbirthdayrun.wix.com/melanomaresearch
I have raised almost $400 this year for the Melanoma Research Foundation!
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Gnome Ofthe Diabase
climber
Out Of Bed
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May 11, 2017 - 07:04pm PT
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Bump? . , ! See a dermatologist!
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Off White
climber
Tenino, WA
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May 12, 2017 - 09:00am PT
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That's funny, I have an appointment today. A follow up on the removal of my first superficial basal cell carcinoma; the dermatologist and I have begun a regular relationship.
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SC seagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, Moab, A sailboat, or some time zone
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May 12, 2017 - 12:10pm PT
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I can't say enough about Paul and the impact he had on my life.
I had great joy in meeting him and Ruth.
Forever in my chalk bag, but more importantly, in my heart.
Susan
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Kpav
Social climber
Flagaz
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Love you Paul! Gone, but not forgotten!
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fear
Ice climber
hartford, ct
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Nobody will ever forget "Pauls Balls"....
Check those moles!
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Darwin
Trad climber
Seattle, WA
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For many reasons, one being that I lived in the outskirts of Arcata 71-77 but mostly the way he came across:
the guy got to me. Love to all
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zBrown
Ice climber
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Did not know Paul
But I do know melanoma's ugly face
My niece, here, fought hard and by so doing she won even though she passed.
[Click to View YouTube Video]
I have had one basal cell and one squamous cell episode
Am on great terms with dermatologist now
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skywalker1
Trad climber
co
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A little late to this thread. I had the liquid N2 a few weeks ago. Now the cream starting tomorrow. Most of my face. Derm says I'm O.K. she's just being aggressive with me. At 44 it seems early but I guess not. I didn't know Paul but he seems very loved. Out of the sun for a little while and sun screen is my future make-up even if it looks funny and sombrero!
S...
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SC seagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, Moab, Bozeman, the ocean, or ?
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^^^^. Excellent advice...44 def not too young to be on top of everything. Paul was quite young.
Paul really helped me when I was Dx with ovarian cancer and started chemo. His outlook and attitude about facing a life limiting experience carried me through some very dark times. I felt blessed to have met him and Ruth several times. The fact they both passed within about a year of each other shocked me to the core. They were an incredible couple.
Paul’s Balls still remain with my climbing and outdoor gear and have traveled to many, many places; even if it wasn’t a climb but some sort of other wild adventure.
I miss them, and when ever this thread pops up I have tears of sadness and gratitude. He and I said if he were ever to do another first ascent before he passed we’d name it “Forever Remission”. That’s what we both wanted....he wasn’t so fortunate, I may be.
I miss him and Ruth. Wonderful souls together forever.
Susan
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Darwin
Trad climber
Seattle, WA
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May 29, 2019 - 08:51pm PT
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This is a thread I don't "like" bumping, 'cause it makes me sad. Still for just an online presence, Paul got to me. I'm going to be in Arcata in July 6th-13th and will be hitting some of my old surfing and beach-bouldering spots. dovalonso at g---- you know what.
SC seagoat, I'll miss your online presence.
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SC seagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, Moab, Bozeman, the ocean, or ?
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May 30, 2019 - 05:35am PT
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SC seagoat, I'll miss your online presence.
Thank you....back at ya.
“Paul got to me”
Boy, didn’t he? He and Ruth, two souls left way way too soon.
Susan
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Gunkie
Trad climber
Valles Marineris
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May 30, 2019 - 05:44am PT
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The most personal and intense trip report of all time on SuperTopo.
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neebee
Social climber
calif/texas
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May 30, 2019 - 12:05pm PT
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hey there, say, susan...
and, all--
thanks for the bump...
he did... he touched us all , and i hope we all touched him, as much
as we could...
and then-- the story of his wife, too...
we heard it here, as well... short, though it was :(
another thought too-- there were SO MANY appreciation as to how
the taco SHARED with these illnesses that were posted here:
by the FAMILY MEMBERS, later...
it just goes to show:
there are deeper runners, in our friendships, than we ever realize, and
the SUPERTOPO let these runner, reach out...
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nature
climber
Boulder, CO
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May 31, 2019 - 02:35pm PT
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BumpFest 2019
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JOEY.F
Gym climber
It's not rocket surgery
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May 31, 2019 - 02:40pm PT
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You still have Gym, Nature?
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JOEY.F
Gym climber
It's not rocket surgery
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May 31, 2019 - 02:58pm PT
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^^^
Very cool 😎 guys!
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