I was on the fence about whether or not to write a trip report about two pitches of climbing, but as Micronut said in his really funny "press release" here:

http://www.supertopo.com/tr/Self-Rescue-to-the-Rescue-Limpingcrab-Breaks-Both-Legs-and-Crawls-Out-of-Kings-Canyon/t13358n.html

I have nothing better to do for a while.

The few successful mini-adventures I had this season were covered by Vitaliy's beautiful photo journal here:

http://www.supertopo.com/tr/Summer-2018-in-photos/t13357n.html

So I'll skip to the less successful trip last weekend.


This trip started like most others; scouting some rock over and over again until the stars and partners aligned for a trip.

After so much time caving in and around marble, I learned to not trust it and had no interest in climbing it. But, I'd looked at this big dumb rock near Boyden Cavern too many times and had to give it a shot as it was more solid than many other areas. After all, it met all of my criteria for a climbing objective:
1. Big
2. I looked at it

Vitaliy, Macronut and I met up at dark o'clock in the morning for our (sort of) annual October birthday extravaganza. The descent and crossing were uneventful as I'd already scouted it a few times. We seemed to be on the same page, with no sign of what they had planned for me.

The approach gully was interesting and not too difficult. As we neared the cliff I was discussing route options but Vitaliy and Macronut kept bringing up places to hide a body should the need arise. I was naive and thought nothing of it.

No sooner than I took my pack off at the base, Vitaliy launched up onto the dark and foreboding wall, almost as if he'd been here before.

Macronut and I soon followed the surprisingly fun and harder than expected first pitch. As I arrived at the anchor they both, almost in unison, said, "this pitch is for YOU, Daniel."

My memory is foggy now, but I'm pretty sure they winked at each other with a subtle grin as I racked up.

I began slowly, unsure of the rock quality and paranoid about knocking a rock onto the rope or my belayers.

Move by move, the rock was getting better, the climbing more fun, and my confidence more secure.

I placed a bolt above a short overhang, made a few moves and then placed a perfect #3 camalot. Having passed the bulge and entered easier terrain I reached down to back-clean the number three and save it for a beautiful crack that had just come into view.

Two moves later I pasted my feet onto small, but positive and solid, holds that lead towards a small ledge. I then reached up to knock on a block that seemed solid enough. As I transferred my weight onto my left foot and and reach across to the left with might right hand to gently press down (not out) on the block it popped loose.

My feet blew and as I began to fall (and say words I'm not proud of) my reflex was to reach up and push the block back into its seat, which caused me to slide down in a fully extended position with my arms straight up, my feet straight down, and the slab racing by inches in front of my nose.

It was in this position that I slid from near that upper bush, over the bulge, and free fell straight onto the small stance near the lower bush. 12-15 feet to impact, about 20 feet total before stopping. Only the balls of my feet hit the rock, forcing my toes towards my shins, and compressing my foot bones into my calcaneus (heel bone) hard enough to break the top of the calcaneus off in each foot.

Edit:
The flexor hallucis longus tendon strained so hard that the sustentaculum tali cracked in one foot and shattered in the other.

I hung there, and to this day I swear I can't figure out how Vitaliy and Macronut planned such an elaborate trap. They cheered when my fall stopped, either because that's what we do after good falls or because they thought their plan worked and I was a goner. It wasn't until they heard me growling (like that noise you make when you're trying really hard to poop) that they realized I was alive and in pain.

"I hit my feet pretty hard, guys" I called down to them.

"Just hang there for a while, take your time, and see if the pain dies down." Vitaliy suggested.

So I did, but it didn't take long to notice both of my shoes getting tight and painful. I untied my shoes and tested my feet against the rock. Sharp pain shot through the tops of my feet and a strange bulging feeling pressed out from inside my ankles.

It hurt. A lot.

Accepting that I had survived the trap, Vitaliy and Macronut lowered me to the anchors and set up a double rope rappel to the ground. No doubt discussing plan B as I slid down the sharp, textured rock without letting my feet touch the wall.

Once we all reached the ground we discussed the options.

1. Press the SOS button on my emergency beacon. The only way a team was getting me from that spot was with a short haul helicopter pick. I didn't have life threatening injuries and in a windy, cliff-filled canyon a helicopter rescue was risky for a lot of people. Vitaliy and Adam thought this might be a good idea, no doubt hoping a wind gust would finish the job they had started.

2. Start scooting and crawling. I had to at least try so I taped up my hands and got scooting (there might have also been some pride involved in choosing this option).

And scooting...

And scooting...

Meanwhile, my assassins, I mean climbing partners, gathered up all of my gear and started hiking out to sell it on Craigslist or MountainProject. At certain points they had to rappel and I would catch up and rap their lines before they could cut them.

At the river crossing, through excruciating pain, I lunged forward, grabbed onto their shoulders, and was drug across the river before they knew what happened.


Once we hit the far bank the race was on. I needed to reach the car to get help, and they needed to finish the job by knocking rocks onto me. The antler I had been using for self arrest going down the steep gully had become my ice tool for ascending the steep, grassy hill.

[Click to View YouTube Video]
Here is actual footage of me gritting my teeth and going maximum speed up the final stretch of the six hour race.

Macronut and Vitaliy gave it everything they had to pass me and prevent this story from ever seeing the light of day.

Alas, I drove myself down the mountain and my wife took me to the hospital in Fresno, where my brother works, for some VIP treatment. Although, seeing this picture now, she looks a little too happy about my bilateral calcaneal fractures. Maybe she was the shot caller all along...


Postscript
In reality, Vitaliy and Macronut (Adam) were unbelievably helpful the entire way. They had great attitudes and supported my six hour crawl in any way they could, even though I basically ruined our weekend. A huge thanks to those guys because I would not have made it through one of the most physically painful days of my life without them. They carried me through the river, set ropes on the difficult sections, and fed me gummy worms each time I needed a break. Great partners to have in a pinch.

I also owe a lot of gratitude to my family and friends. My wife, who's life just got much more difficult with a crippled husband, basically went out and made our house ADA compliant. A neighbor built a wheelchair ramp in our living room, and dozens of people have offered help in many different ways. As soon as I start thinking of myself as a pretty independent person, something happens to make me appreciate all the awesome people around me.

Thanks for reading, and if you get the time please write some trip reports of your own. I have a lot of time to kill for the next two months :)